Baby with MM

[blueroses10]

I've been a lurker for over a year now and have posted on other threads. My reason for joining was to get up enough courage to ask for help regarding my dilemma.

 

I'm married, had a baby with a married man, and not sure what the future holds.

 

Things are over with the MM. He freaked when I told him I was pregnant and became a person that I didn't know at all. He displays no interest in our child as he is doing all that he can to protect his marriage.

 

My H knows that the child isn't his child and has known from the beginning. We honestly haven't had a marital relationship in many years so there wasn't a question as to whether the child was his. He knew it wasn't possible.

 

My dilemma is that I know that I need to end my marriage and be alone but there are some fears there. I have been thinking of filing child support from my child's bio father but he has begged me not to do so.

 

I beat myself up every single day over the situation and I am asking that everyone be as non-judgemental as possible. The fact that I am posting this means that I am at rock bottom.

[tami-chan]

I've been a lurker for over a year now and have posted on other threads. My reason for joining was to get up enough courage to ask for help regarding my dilemma.

 

I'm married, had a baby with a married man, and not sure what the future holds.

 

Things are over with the MM. He freaked when I told him I was pregnant and became a person that I didn't know at all. He displays no interest in our child as he is doing all that he can to protect his marriage.

 

My H knows that the child isn't his child and has known from the beginning. We honestly haven't had a marital relationship in many years so there wasn't a question as to whether the child was his. He knew it wasn't possible.

 

My dilemma is that I know that I need to end my marriage and be alone but there are some fears there. I have been thinking of filing child support from my child's bio father but he has begged me not to do so.

I beat myself up every single day over the situation and I am asking that everyone be as non-judgemental as possible. The fact that I am posting this means that I am at rock bottom.

 

Why does this have to be about him? This is about your child. If you need financial help to give your child a better life ,then MM needs to step up to the plate. Sorry but you didn't get pregnant on your own.

 

Sue him for child support and let him deal with the fall out(if there is) on his marriage on his own.

 

Of course, the ideal scenario (for me) would be to just walk away and not give him another thought and raise the child on your own.

[carrie999]

Why does this have to be about him? This is about your child. If you need financial help to give your child a better life ,then MM needs to step up to the plate. Sorry but you didn't get pregnant on your own.

 

Sue him for child support and let him deal with the fall out(if there is) on his marriage on his own.

 

Of course, the ideal scenario (for me) would be to just walk away and not give him another thought and raise the child on your own.

 

Agreed. But I don't think xMM should be let off the hook that easily. He made his bed...

 

I'm with tami, and my instinct would be to have pride and just raise the child alone. But that is rarely in the best interest of the child, if not for financial reasons, for the sake of your baby's sense of identity. Someday your child will want to know who his/her father is.

 

And look at the other side...someday, the father may wish to become involved in his child's life. If he chooses to do so, he will have paternity rights even if he hasn't earned them.

 

I'd sue for child support if I was in your situation. This is really no longer about you or him, but your baby.

[Flabbergaster]

It's possible that several people will post insulting remarks to you, here. If so, please ignore them. (to the haters: this woman is in serious bad place, please save your scorn for other threads)

 

You need the advice of a lawyer.

 

You need a therapist.

 

You might also want a psychiatrist, who can issue medications.

 

A lawyer could discuss options with the MM other than child support. For example...an agreement where he gives you X a month for the child to avoid being taken to court for child support. It's important to use a lawyer for this; if you try to handle it on your own you might accidentally commit a crime (blackmail) or invalidate future claims for child support.

 

Lawyer can also advise if you have a chance at alimony etc from your husband. Some states you'd have no chance (he can prove you cheated), other states you can still persevere (claim neglect, etc).

 

If you need money to provide for the child...my advice is to lawyer up and fight dirty.

[summerdowling87]

Since he is the father and no one told him to have a baby by you. I'm sure he know how not to have a child but since he has one he should support his baby in some degree it takes to make and it should be to take care of the baby it's only right

[blueroses10]

I agree with all of you. I know I have to look out for the best interests of my child but through my guilt, I have taken on his family's interests. I think it's because he also says that I would be responsible for losing them.

 

I did see a therapist and honestly I got very little out of it. The therapist would sit there and look at me waiting for me to spill who knows what (lots of pregnant pauses). I even asked her to directly ask me what she needed to know.

 

Looking back, maybe she was sickened by the whole situation and couldn't help me. She did tell me that I am not responsible for XMM's feelings for his child and that I have to make peace with that.

 

I was in my car driving earlier and just burst into tears (I never cry because I am emotional) because I feel like whatever move I make is going to ruin someone's life.

 

At the same time, I don't want to stress myself to death and my precious baby not have a mommy around to see her grow up.

[Silly_Girl]

Honey, your baby deserves the best chance in life. Their parentage and associated circumstances were not of your child's making. Go for the child support. You now have only 2 people to look out for; yourself first (that's how you'll be a great mum, by taking care and loving yourself) and secondly your little one

 

What's a normal day like for you? Who can you/do you talk to? If you start to make some life changes do you have any loose plan in your mind? Is that something we can help you with?

 

Keep posting, please. Promise you'll get some wonderful support and help.

[NoIDidn't]

Do NOT let him throw your child under the bus. I'd go for the child support and make it clear to his W that I was done with him because of the way he handled the situation.

 

I don't know where you are in the world, neither am I asking, but in the States, some states will automatically make your H the baby's father and he'll be responsible for child support.

 

Call a lawyer for a free consult. I promise you, they have seen it all when it comes to child support.

 

A divorce lawyer and a family lawyer.

 

Good luck.

[blueroses10]

Yes I'm in the states. I have done a lot of research and come to the conclusion that a lawyer was the next person that I needed to speak to.

 

Right now, I am weighing all my options and figuring out what will be best for my child.

 

I haven't had anyone to talk to about the situation. My H won't talk about it or anything about how he wants to proceed. I know he loves my child but we can't raise a child in a hostile environment.

 

In some ways, I think he wants us to be a family but he will not verbalize anything. This was the case before all of this happened so I can only guess what is going on inside his head.

 

As far as my feelings go, I am more than grateful that he has been there for my child but because of all that we have been through, the feelings that I once had are just gone or somewhere deeply buried.

 

I want to ask him to at least seperate for a month or so, just to get my head together but also so that I'm not living in a pressure cooker every day. I also don't want my child subjected to arguments.

 

It feels like a big relief to just be able to type it out here.

[fooled once]

I've been a lurker for over a year now and have posted on other threads. My reason for joining was to get up enough courage to ask for help regarding my dilemma.

 

I'm married, had a baby with a married man, and not sure what the future holds.

 

Things are over with the MM. He freaked when I told him I was pregnant and became a person that I didn't know at all. He displays no interest in our child as he is doing all that he can to protect his marriage.

 

My H knows that the child isn't his child and has known from the beginning. We honestly haven't had a marital relationship in many years so there wasn't a question as to whether the child was his. He knew it wasn't possible.

 

My dilemma is that I know that I need to end my marriage and be alone but there are some fears there. I have been thinking of filing child support from my child's bio father but he has begged me not to do so.

 

I beat myself up every single day over the situation and I am asking that everyone be as non-judgemental as possible. The fact that I am posting this means that I am at rock bottom.

 

The biological father is financially responsible for the child - PERIOD.

 

Make sure your reasons are not to manipulate him back into a relationship with you. Make sure your child's best interest are the ONLY priority.

Be ready for him/his wife to either go for joint custody or at the very least, visitation. He is entitled to visitation and that has NOTHING to do with child support. Be ready to split holidays, birthdays, etc. Again, those are standard things in a custody agreement. It isn't fun or easy to hand your kid over to the other parent every other weekend; and in this case, he has a wife who may not be very happy with you and 'could' take it out on the child (I don't mean physically, I mean in bad mouthing you to the child as the child grows up).

 

Good luck

[Carrot2000]

 

Lawyer can also advise if you have a chance at alimony etc from your husband. Some states you'd have no chance (he can prove you cheated), other states you can still persevere (claim neglect, etc).

 

In some states, any child conceived during the course of a marriage is considered a product of that union; your husband may be on the hook for child support. I'm sure there are declarations of paternity and whatnot that you can sign to assert that he is not the biological father, but that's another complication you will have to keep in mind.

 

Blueroses, say you know you need to end your marriage, but are you sure you really want to end it? Is there a chance your marriage could be saved with a trial separation and some marital counseling ?

[complicatedlife]

Do NOT let him throw your child under the bus. I'd go for the child support and make it clear to his W that I was done with him because of the way he handled the situation.

 

If I was his wife, I would be disgusted and repelled by his behavior: in addition to cheating, you created a life and you turn your back on YOUR OWN CHILD? That alone right there would make me REALLY question his character and if I ever knew him! I'm in the minority in that I wouldn't ask for any child support, but I WOULD ask him to sign a document that relinquishes his parental rights to the child.

 

I really felt sad when I read this, you sound like you're in a lot of pain and confusion. But you've gotten some great suggestions here and I second them: lawyer, a GOOD therapist, and hug that baby every chance you get. (((HUG))).

[desertIslandCactus]

It's possible that several people will post insulting remarks to you, here. If so, please ignore them. (to the haters: this woman is in serious bad place, please save your scorn for other threads)

 

You need the advice of a lawyer.

 

You need a therapist.

 

You might also want a psychiatrist, who can issue medications.

 

A lawyer could discuss options with the MM other than child support. For example...an agreement where he gives you X a month for the child to avoid being taken to court for child support. It's important to use a lawyer for this; if you try to handle it on your own you might accidentally commit a crime (blackmail) or invalidate future claims for child support.

 

Lawyer can also advise if you have a chance at alimony etc from your husband. Some states you'd have no chance (he can prove you cheated), other states you can still persevere (claim neglect, etc).

 

If you need money to provide for the child...my advice is to lawyer up and fight dirty.

 

Isn't this a little Much .. and beyond what OP is asking ..

[fooled once]

In some states, any child conceived during the course of a marriage is considered a product of that union; your husband may be on the hook for child support. I'm sure there are declarations of paternity and whatnot that you can sign to assert that he is not the biological father, but that's another complication you will have to keep in mind.

 

Blueroses, say you know you need to end your marriage, but are you sure you really want to end it? Is there a chance your marriage could be saved with a trial separation and some marital counseling ?

 

Yep. In some states, your H is automatically the father even if a DNA test proved differently. Going after your H for child support would not be a good thing, IMHO. Kinda like throwing booze on a fire.

 

If I was his wife, I would be disgusted and repelled by his behavior: in addition to cheating, you created a life and you turn your back on YOUR OWN CHILD? That alone right there would make me REALLY question his character and if I ever knew him! I'm in the minority in that I wouldn't ask for any child support, but I WOULD ask him to sign a document that relinquishes his parental rights to the child.

 

I really felt sad when I read this, you sound like you're in a lot of pain and confusion. But you've gotten some great suggestions here and I second them: lawyer, a GOOD therapist, and hug that baby every chance you get. (((HUG))).

 

I agree with Complicated (HI COMPLICATED!!!!!! )

[desertIslandCactus]

BlueRoses,

 

I'm with those who say this appears to be about you and your child.

 

It should be an expectation that your child's father pay child support, no matter what the circumstances.

 

It would be nice if you could work out your M with your H, but should you decide to disolve your marriage, perhaps you could receive alimony. Your current H should not be asked pay child support.

Edited March 2, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[bentnotbroken]

He did the deed. He is responsible for supporting a life he helped to create.

[complicatedlife]

I agree with Complicated (HI COMPLICATED!!!!!! )

 

Hiya, Fooled Once!! :bunny:

 

I'm surprised that anyone would agree with me - maybe you didn't mean my child support part? Call me weird, but I just can't bring myself to force someone to do something that they KNOW they should do! Yes, the man should be financially responsible, but I won't MAKE him be what he should be. I feel like as a woman, I know that if I have a child, I am going to be the one who has to ultimately take care of the child in every way since I'm the mother, so if the man wants to skip out, he can do so; I'm prepared to be the sole provider if necessary. And I'm not asking you for a dime. Explain your reasons why you didn't do for or see your child to your child....if and when they decide they want to come find you and ask.

Edited March 2, 2011 by complicatedlife
grammar

[fooled once]

Hiya, Fooled Once!! :bunny:

 

I'm surprised that anyone would agree with me - maybe you didn't mean my child support part? Call me weird, but I just can't bring myself to force someone to do something that they KNOW they should do! Yes, the man should be financially responsible, but I won't MAKE him be what he should be. I feel like as a woman, I know that if I have a child, I am going to be the one who has to ultimately take care of the child in every way since I'm the mother, so if the man wants to skip out, he can do so; I'm prepared to be the sole provider if necessary. And I'm not asking you for a dime. Explain your reasons why you didn't do for or see your child to your child....if and when they decide they want to come find you and ask.

 

Yep, I do agree with you.

 

If I am going to have unprotected sex and risk a pregnancy, then I am willing to handle the child rearing on my own, especially if the guy is (a) married and (b) wants nothing to do with the kid. No way would I ever want him or his wife to have visitation with my kid

[fooled once]

Many betrayed spouses would not want to see or take care of another's child, most likely in OP's case.

 

True - or out of spite, will try to get custody. Have seen it before The kid is used to punish.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yea that is true sometimes but the kid was nonetheless, brought into the marriage by the cheater.

 

But I think the child is the priority because he/she is the most helpless, vulnerable, innocent.

 

And I know the OP probably knows this and will design her life accordingly.

[Jessica232]

Definitely file for child support!!! Your child deserves it. You need to put MM's feelings aside, and do what is best for your child.

[SoleMate]

You are a mother to be, and you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD. That includes either getting a voluntary, binding support agreement from the father (you MUST see your OWN lawyer for this), or if unsuccessful, filing for child support.

 

Support from BOTH parents is EVERY child's right. Your child cannot do this him/herself; therefore, YOU must.

 

No doubt, MM will be in the soup at home when the certified letters and court summons start arriving. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I can assure you, MM will take care of HIMSELF first, and his W second. Therefore, YOU must take care of yourself and your kid. That's how it works.

[blueroses10]

The biological father is financially responsible for the child - PERIOD.

 

Make sure your reasons are not to manipulate him back into a relationship with you. Make sure your child's best interest are the ONLY priority.

Be ready for him/his wife to either go for joint custody or at the very least, visitation. He is entitled to visitation and that has NOTHING to do with child support. Be ready to split holidays, birthdays, etc. Again, those are standard things in a custody agreement. It isn't fun or easy to hand your kid over to the other parent every other weekend; and in this case, he has a wife who may not be very happy with you and 'could' take it out on the child (I don't mean physically, I mean in bad mouthing you to the child as the child grows up).

 

Good luck

 

My motives definitely aren't to pull him back in. I have thought about the various angles and what would happen if he asked for time. He wants nothing to do with the child now and wants to protect his marriage at all costs (even the cost of his child).

 

I want our child to know his family and her extended family. I also don't want secrecy to backfire on me later. I am really stuck in a black hole. It's very hard to gauge if a child will understand why things were handled a certain way or if they will become a teenager and totally rebel. Not to mention this is killing me. Yes, the cheating was killing me too and I had decided to end it and found out I was pregnant.

 

Perfect Lifetime story.

[blueroses10]

You are a mother to be, and you need to TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILD. That includes either getting a voluntary, binding support agreement from the father (you MUST see your OWN lawyer for this), or if unsuccessful, filing for child support.

 

Support from BOTH parents is EVERY child's right. Your child cannot do this him/herself; therefore, YOU must.

 

No doubt, MM will be in the soup at home when the certified letters and court summons start arriving. NOT YOUR PROBLEM. I can assure you, MM will take care of HIMSELF first, and his W second. Therefore, YOU must take care of yourself and your kid. That's how it works.

 

Thank you Sole, I do think this is the right way to go one second and change my mind. Before all of this happened, I used to think that women who allowed men to get off the hook while their children suffered were weak and now look at me. I'm not of the frame of mind to hurt anyone or take them to the bank but support is needed.

[Emme]

Oh honey...(((((hugs))))) I think that during this pregnancy you should not let anythign stress you. You have to tak care of yourself right now and this means that you need to make the hard choices now not later. If you want your child support for that child that is what you have to do. It's not about you or him or his wife. It's about that child that you are carrying. I don't know what hold his wife might have over him to why he's so scared. Does his livlihood rests in her hands. If he has a career then you put in an oder for child support. Your husbande is not financially responsible for this child. If he chooses to help you then you are a very blessed woman. Cherish hin for that even though you and him have not had a marriage in a while. You need help, you get help. This is not you burden alone to bear. I hope you can come to a agreement with him if finance is you issue. If it can be done privately if you choose. If not get that social security and go to court house. It's time he woke up and faced reality. Congrats on your baby.