Baby with MM

[blueroses10]

Our stories couldn't match more (except for the fact that you are married).

 

I am due in about a week with exMM's baby. He and I haven't spoken in a couple months because he went ballistic when I told him I was pregnant. He has never been a violent person or a bad-tempered person but he turned really abusive after that, tried to manipulate and harass me.

 

He is married with two sons, excellent job, his older son also just started private school. But he wants nothing to do with our child. I told him I am all for a private agreement between us, his wife doesn't need to know anything but he refused, threatened me, tried to make me feel guilty etc. you know the drill.

 

Finally, after long consideration I figured out that it would be best if I don't file for child support, I told him that I will leave him be, as long as he leaves me alone. He can pretend he doesn't have a child.

 

That was my decision. I figured that right now it's best if the two of us don't have this person in our lives. And him actively paying child support gives him rights.

 

Noelle I cried when I posted this morning and now I'm crying again when signing back on. You were the poster that I referred to earlier, I didn't want to say your name. I really prayed for you and felt what you were going through.

 

I'm really happy that you are almost to the end point and get to see your little one. I will think about what you and others have said.

 

Please know how much you helped me and you never even knew me. I am so happy that you had the courage to post your story. Hugs and many blessings to you during delivery.

[desertIslandCactus]

Our stories couldn't match more (except for the fact that you are married).

 

I am due in about a week with exMM's baby. He and I haven't spoken in a couple months because he went ballistic when I told him I was pregnant. He has never been a violent person or a bad-tempered person but he turned really abusive after that, tried to manipulate and harass me.

 

He is married with two sons, excellent job, his older son also just started private school. But he wants nothing to do with our child. I told him I am all for a private agreement between us, his wife doesn't need to know anything but he refused, threatened me, tried to make me feel guilty etc. you know the drill.

 

Finally, after long consideration I figured out that it would be best if I don't file for child support, I told him that I will leave him be, as long as he leaves me alone. He can pretend he doesn't have a child.

 

That was my decision. I figured that right now it's best if the two of us don't have this person in our lives. And him actively paying child support gives him rights.

 

So happy you came along and posted Noelle

 

I agree it gives him rights, which is a good reason for a woman to do it on her own If She Can.

 

It would seem probable that after being left off the hook, he may be moseying over in years to come. And I know you wanted his involvment for your daughter's sake ..

 

I still don't think the MM deserves involvment unless he lends support.

Edited March 2, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[Emme]

No he doesn't depend on his wife financially. I think he doesn't want to give up any part of his lifestyle or want anything to change from a financial standpoint. He makes really good money. Kids attend private school but he doesn't want or even think he has to take care of this child since it was conceived outside of marriage and because he's married. Also his wife would miss the money if he paid support.

 

All types of threats have been made about if I file, what he might do to himself, that he might quit his job, etc. I've read other stories and it all seems to come from the same handbook whether they are aware or not.

 

 

You have to have your ducks in a row to get what you need from this man. He is not going down without a fight. I hope you can find some strength and help from your husband. Even a girlfriend. This is not going to be easy. He will even quit his job.... wow. He likes being rich... so he will fight to keep his money. Good luck hun.

[findingnemo]

I agree with all of you. I know I have to look out for the best interests of my child but through my guilt, I have taken on his family's interests. I think it's because he also says that I would be responsible for losing them.

 

I did see a therapist and honestly I got very little out of it. The therapist would sit there and look at me waiting for me to spill who knows what (lots of pregnant pauses). I even asked her to directly ask me what she needed to know.

 

Looking back, maybe she was sickened by the whole situation and couldn't help me. She did tell me that I am not responsible for XMM's feelings for his child and that I have to make peace with that.

 

I was in my car driving earlier and just burst into tears (I never cry because I am emotional) because I feel like whatever move I make is going to ruin someone's life.

 

At the same time, I don't want to stress myself to death and my precious baby not have a mommy around to see her grow up.

 

 

How close are you to the family of MM? Were you friends with the W?

 

Your baby's interests are the priority. No matter what happens now, the child will want to know who the father is. Some secrets just can't be kept forever. So perhaps you need to ask what you would do if his family already knew and everybody accepted that it was MM's child. Would you expect child support? What does your H want? Divorce?

[Carrot2000]

Blueroses, you said your husband loves the child; do you think he would be open to adopting the baby or assisting you financially?

 

I'm in agreement with folks who think it might be a good idea to just let MM go about his way. I'm sure your MM is not capable of it, but there are too many stories about men that hurt children because they don't want to pay support; this man has made his feelings known and I think it's too much of a risk to pursue him for monthly support. However, in lieu of child support get him to carry a $500,000 life insurance policy with the baby as the beneficiary and to set up a 529 college saving plan for the child's education. Neither of those things should cost enough money to raise suspicion if he's concerned about his wife finding out.

[blueroses10]

How close are you to the family of MM? Were you friends with the W?

 

Your baby's interests are the priority. No matter what happens now, the child will want to know who the father is. Some secrets just can't be kept forever. So perhaps you need to ask what you would do if his family already knew and everybody accepted that it was MM's child. Would you expect child support? What does your H want? Divorce?

 

I don't personally know his family. I definitely don't know his wife. I always felt guilty because I could put myself in his wife's shoes from an infidelity standpoint so I didn't want to further hurt her. However, he rants on and on about how I'm selfish and not thinking about his wife or kids or his family, etc. In actuality, it's all I've done but I can't continue to live that way. It is/was literally killing me.

 

My H doesn't talk about the situation or our marital issues. That's why I'm left floundering in the wind trying to figure out what's best for everyone. I think it will take intense counseling for us to get on track and that was before the baby.

[blueroses10]

Blueroses, you said your husband loves the child; do you think he would be open to adopting the baby or assisting you financially?

 

I'm in agreement with folks who think it might be a good idea to just let MM go about his way. I'm sure your MM is not capable of it, but there are too many stories about men that hurt children because they don't want to pay support; this man has made his feelings known and I think it's too much of a risk to pursue him for monthly support. However, in lieu of child support get him to carry a $500,000 life insurance policy with the baby as the beneficiary and to set up a 529 college saving plan for the child's education. Neither of those things should cost enough money to raise suspicion if he's concerned about his wife finding out.

 

Those are very good ideas and honestly I never thought about him hurting the baby at this point. I did think about him hurting both of us during my pregnancy but I can't say that he would have. I just didn't take any chances.

 

I think my husband would adopt her but things get dicey for me when I think about what happens if/when we divorce?

[summerdowling87]

I wish you the best of luck and hopfully your situation will turn out good for you and your baby. And bless you for putting your baby first not many people do that these days.

[desertIslandCactus]

I don't personally know his family. I definitely don't know his wife. I always felt guilty because I could put myself in his wife's shoes from an infidelity standpoint so I didn't want to further hurt her. However, he rants on and on about how I'm selfish and not thinking about his wife or kids or his family, etc. In actuality, it's all I've done but I can't continue to live that way. It is/was literally killing me.

 

My H doesn't talk about the situation or our marital issues. That's why I'm left floundering in the wind trying to figure out what's best for everyone. I think it will take intense counseling for us to get on track and that was before the baby.

 

If you were to read your story as an outsider, as myself: You would probably feel that if a woman is not self supporting, the father of the baby should contribute to the support of that baby.

 

His present circumstances are besides this new baby - not instead of he/she.

[Emme]

I say you should get child support. If he was a person that had no means of contributing financially then I'd say let him be. This is not the case. If you don't need his funds fine. You accept the funds and place it into a account for when your child becomes of age. Don't touch it. Your child deserves to be taken cared of by both parents. Period. This whole connection with the other side of the family... get that idea out of your head. Don't look for that to happen or push for it to happen. Take care of you and your children. End of.

Edited March 3, 2011 by Emme

[Star_Bright]

I say you should get child support. If he was a person that had no means of contributing financially then I'd say let him be. This is not the case. If you don't need his funds fine. You accept the funds and place it into a account for when your child becomes of age. Don't touch it. Your child deserves to be taken cared of by both parents. Period. This whole connection with the other side of the family... get that idea out of your head. Don't look for that to happen or push for it to happen. Take care of you and your children. End of.

 

I completely agree. Every child is entitled legally and morally to the financial support of both parents. This man helped create this baby, he can't just turn his back on the child and not help support it.

 

I do understand that with financial obligation often comes "strings" or ties. It might be more hard on you blueroses to have to deal with this man still in your life. I can see the benefit of cutting all ties for the sake of some peace. And you don't know how he will treat your child and whether he will resent the child for having to pay support. Still, you could cross that bridge when you come to it. My gut feeling in this kind of a situation is that the MM will not want to see the child or visit with the child, etc., but will have to pay child support through the court system. I think this is the way it should be because he is financially established and it's not fair to the child to not have that benefit that is available for the child's well-being.

 

I can't imagine him suddenly wanting to be involved in the child's life "just because" he has to pay child support. He is either going to want to be in the child's life, or not, voluntarily or not. He can always come forward with his interests/rights in being the child's father. That is an issue separate and apart from his obligation to pay child support and the child's right/entitlement to receive it. So I think you should go forward and fight for your child's rights and let him decide what if anything to do about his rights to see his child. If he does become spiteful toward the child then you just don't let him around the child (I highly doubt he would be resentful of the child and also fight to see the child... unless he is highly vindictive and cruel).

 

Good luck and I wish you the best. Love is all that matters and you clearly love your child, so, I think everything will turn out for the best no matter what you decide to do.

[Carrot2000]

I did see a therapist and honestly I got very little out of it. The therapist would sit there and look at me waiting for me to spill who knows what (lots of pregnant pauses). I even asked her to directly ask me what she needed to know.

 

I had a therapist like this, too and I hated it! My suggestion is to find another therapist, someone who gives you feedback and acknowledges that they hear you.

 

I was in my car driving earlier and just burst into tears (I never cry because I am emotional) because I feel like whatever move I make is going to ruin someone's life.

 

The only life other than yours than should should concern yourself with is that of your baby's. Plenty of kids grow up with an absentee parent and they grow up to be happy, successful people. I find that the kids from single-parent homes who have problems have them because the parent who is present doesn't have his/her act together. Of course having your child grow up without the presence of her biological father is not ideal, but neither is your situation; you have to make the best out of things and demand nothing but the highest and best for you and your baby. I'm no expert, but I truly believe that as long as you are stable, happy, and well-balanced, your daughter will be fine.

[Goldenspoon]

Unless you're a multi-millionaire, you need to seek child support for your child for his next 18 years plus 4 years of college and maybe 4 more years of graduate school. She deserves that money and it's unfair that you deprive her of that or seek that money from your husband instead.

 

Talk to an attorney and file for child support. Your child needs to be recognized as who she is, be known by his side of the family, half-sinblings, etc. and NOT left as some dirty little secret growing up.

[fooled once]

My motives definitely aren't to pull him back in. I have thought about the various angles and what would happen if he asked for time. He wants nothing to do with the child now and wants to protect his marriage at all costs (even the cost of his child).

 

I want our child to know his family and her extended family. I also don't want secrecy to backfire on me later. I am really stuck in a black hole. It's very hard to gauge if a child will understand why things were handled a certain way or if they will become a teenager and totally rebel. Not to mention this is killing me. Yes, the cheating was killing me too and I had decided to end it and found out I was pregnant.

 

Perfect Lifetime story.

 

His lack of interest in the child could change down the road. You never know, but you dang well better protect yourself legally. You do need to find out if your H is automatically declared the father of the child. Trust me, you want to know your legal rights on this.

 

I would be ok with them having visitation if he sought counseling and could really prove that he loves this child and I would hope that a judge would want to know that he would be a loving father since he has said he wants nothing to do with our child. As far as his wife is concerned, as long as she treated my child well, I wouldn't have a problem but if it turned into an ugly situation with my child being in a hostile environment, then no I would not allow that to happen.

 

I was raised in a stepfamily so I know that it can be done in a loving manner but I also know people who can be abusive. If the situation were reversed and my husband had a child and I chose to stay with him, I would love the child like my own. Probably more because the child wouldn't be mine.

 

You cannot make him get counseling. He is the birth father - legally he has as much rights to the child as you do. That is why I stress you MUST talk to a lawyer. He could come and take the child and there is little you can do about it especially if he is proven by DNA to be the birth father. With regards to his wife, again, you don't get a say so if he gets visitation. Your hand are tied. You will have to hand over your child to him & her for his parenting time.

 

I have a very hard time with people saying "I would love the child as my own". If you have never been a parent OR a step parent, this is such a fantasy. I am a mother AND a stepmother. It took years for me and my step daughter to get to the place where we are today - we are very close and love each other very much. But there were many years there where that wasn't the case. It is VERY hard, especially when there is an active bioparent in the mix who is NOT keen on the involvement of a step parent.

 

I think he may have rights even if he doesn't pay child support (though if brought into the court system, they would make him pay) - I think he'd have to sign away his parental rights to have absolutely no say about anything dealing with the child.

 

He WILL have rights. Child support and visitation/parenting time are two ENTIRELY separate things. Even if a parent doesn't pay child support, judges DO give them visitation. And some are required to pay child support but refuse to have any thing to do with their child. It is a very slippery slope and today's courts are very different from 10+ years ago. Courts were VERY pro-mom and now, although there are still many courts which don't see how equal a father is to a mother, courts have come a long way. Like I said, many courts now split custody 50/50 - live with mom a week, live with dad a week or 3 days with mom, 4 days with dad and then it switches the following week. There is NOTHING worse than not having your kid Christmas morning (and I thank GOD I never had to deal with this as my ex never showed interest in having our son Christmas morning...and even if he did, I would have told him no. I was the one raising him 24/7 with him showing up for under 24 hours a MONTH).

 

Good luck blue. It can be a very bumpy ride. I personally would isolate myself from him (the dad) and fade away from him. I wouldn't want to have to share with him and his wife.

[blueroses10]

I wish you the best of luck and hopfully your situation will turn out good for you and your baby. And bless you for putting your baby first not many people do that these days.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[fooled once]

If this OW's BH decides to be a cuckold and raise another man's kid, it will be impossible for OM to see his kid.

 

Why do you say that? If he is found, by a paternity test, to be the biological father (and the state recognizes that he is the father), he will have rights. Like I said, he may change his mind and decide he wants to be a part of the child's life and nothing that has been posted about this situation would make a judge deny him custody/visitation or take away his rights.

[pureinheart]

Why does this have to be about him? This is about your child. If you need financial help to give your child a better life ,then MM needs to step up to the plate. Sorry but you didn't get pregnant on your own.

 

Sue him for child support and let him deal with the fall out(if there is) on his marriage on his own.

 

Of course, the ideal scenario (for me) would be to just walk away and not give him another thought and raise the child on your own.

 

I'm way late on this thread, although this was me also...and this is what I did. Not with a MM, the kids dads chose not to pay c/s...so I said FU and did it myself.

 

Hang in there girl, you've done good! I haven't read your thread, although I can only imagine some of the responses...(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[Goldenspoon]

blueroses10, how about a response to this:

 

Unless you're a multi-millionaire, you need to seek child support for your child for his next 18 years plus 4 years of college and maybe 4 more years of graduate school. She deserves that money and it's unfair that you deprive her of that or seek that money from your husband instead.

 

Talk to an attorney and file for child support. Your child needs to be recognized as who she is, be known by his side of the family, half-sinblings, etc. and NOT left as some dirty little secret growing up.

[blueroses10]

blueroses10, how about a response to this:

 

Unless you're a multi-millionaire, you need to seek child support for your child for his next 18 years plus 4 years of college and maybe 4 more years of graduate school. She deserves that money and it's unfair that you deprive her of that or seek that money from your husband instead.

 

Talk to an attorney and file for child support. Your child needs to be recognized as who she is, be known by his side of the family, half-sinblings, etc. and NOT left as some dirty little secret growing up.

 

I'm not a multi-millionaire yet (even they seek support) but I am weighing my options. As someone said above, he would have access to my child if he paid or didn't pay support if a DNA test shows that he is the father etc.

 

At this point, my husband is the legal father and the MM would not be able to do anything without our consent as far as a DNA test is concerned.

 

I want her to know the relatives that want to know her and establish a relationship and not wait until she's 15 and things are really awkward for her.

 

To an above poster, lol, I had to google cuckold. I wouldn't call my husband that even when I am the maddest at him.

[Carrot2000]

I want her to know the relatives that want to know her and establish a relationship and not wait until she's 15 and things are really awkward for her.

 

If you're talking about MM's relatives, do they even know she exists? Does your family and your husband's family know that he is not the bio father?

[whichwayisup]

At this point, my husband is the legal father and the MM would not be able to do anything without our consent as far as a DNA test is concerned.

Sorry Blue, I must have missed this before, unless this was the first you've spoken of it. Your H has taken responsibility and is the baby's legal father? if this is the case, why not get exMM to sign off his parental rights so your H can adopt the baby as his own.

 

ExMM could easily go to court and get papers so a DNA test could be done. Neither you or your H could stop him either, if he at some point, changes his mind and wants to prove the baby is infact his.

 

How old is your little one now?

[blueroses10]

Sorry Blue, I must have missed this before, unless this was the first you've spoken of it. Your H has taken responsibility and is the baby's legal father? if this is the case, why not get exMM to sign off his parental rights so your H can adopt the baby as his own.

 

ExMM could easily go to court and get papers so a DNA test could be done. Neither you or your H could stop him either, if he at some point, changes his mind and wants to prove the baby is infact his.

 

How old is your little one now?

 

The laws in my state dictate that H is the legal father because the child was conceived during the marriage even if the child wasn't conceived with the husband.

 

As far as my H adopting, I'm not sure if that is ideal if I don't think we are going to stay married. If we were, I wouldn't have a problem with him adopting. Tangled web...

[blueroses10]

If you're talking about MM's relatives, do they even know she exists? Does your family and your husband's family know that he is not the bio father?

 

A few do and would like to have a relationship. We haven't told most people because we haven't figured out what is in my child's best interest. I am going to look into finding a new counselor, maybe someone who deals more with issues like this. I want the best for my child's mental and emotional stability.

[whichwayisup]

The laws in my state dictate that H is the legal father because the child was conceived during the marriage even if the child wasn't conceived with the husband.

 

As far as my H adopting, I'm not sure if that is ideal if I don't think we are going to stay married. If we were, I wouldn't have a problem with him adopting. Tangled web...

 

Sorry, but that law is so unfair.

What does that mean though? He now is responsible (not by choice, even if he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but legally) for your baby out of wedlock? He has to pay financially?

[D-Lish]

I had a therapist like this, too and I hated it! My suggestion is to find another therapist, someone who gives you feedback and acknowledges that they hear you.

 

A good therapist isn't meant to tell you what to do. If you went to a therapist for an answer to your problem and expected an easy answer- you misunderstand therapy.

 

You hold the key to your own answers- no one else can tell you what to do.

 

Here's your situation, according to you: You are pregnant, your baby's father is married to someone else and he doesn't want to take responsibility. You are married, your marriage isn't ideal, and he's not the baby's father. You are faced with 18 plus years of raising a child... What are your options, and what is the best course of action?

 

List your options, weigh your options, decide what makes the most sense.

 

If you were to step outside your own situation and give advice to a stranger in the same situation, what advice would you give them?

 

What outcome are you looking for in all of this?

What's your ideal ending?

 

You are in control, maybe if you tell us what you want things to look like in ten years, we can help guide you- but you have a lot of choices to make that need to be made NOW- and YOU have complete control over those decisions.... But you have to start making them.