Baby with MM

[blueroses10]

Sorry, but that law is so unfair.

What does that mean though? He now is responsible (not by choice, even if he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but legally) for your baby out of wedlock? He has to pay financially?

 

Yes that is likely what would happen if I didn't correct things. It isn't fair and there are steps that he can take himself to get out of the situation. He could petition the court to take his name off the birth certificate, etc.

 

I think the law is this way so that "every child is born with a father and not considered a bastard." There are several states that do this. Also if a woman is pregnant and married, most courts will not allow for a divorce until after the child is born in my state.

[blueroses10]

A good therapist isn't meant to tell you what to do. If you went to a therapist for an answer to your problem and expected an easy answer- you misunderstand therapy.

 

You hold the key to your own answers- no one else can tell you what to do.

 

Here's your situation, according to you: You are pregnant, your baby's father is married to someone else and he doesn't want to take responsibility. You are married, your marriage isn't ideal, and he's not the baby's father. You are faced with 18 plus years of raising a child... What are your options, and what is the best course of action?

 

List your options, weigh your options, decide what makes the most sense.

 

If you were to step outside your own situation and give advice to a stranger in the same situation, what advice would you give them?

 

What outcome are you looking for in all of this?

What's your ideal ending?

 

You are in control, maybe if you tell us what you want things to look like in ten years, we can help guide you- but you have a lot of choices to make that need to be made NOW- and YOU have complete control over those decisions.... But you have to start making them.

 

Ten years from now, I would like to have a healthy, happy child who isn't in the dark about anything. I don't want any secrets threatening to pop out of the closet and to walk on eggshells everyday and have nightmares every night.

 

Marriage wise, if it is going to work, I would like it to start working very quickly or see effort from both of us because right now, I don't want to be married to anyone for that matter. If we stay married, I want a healthy relationship with two parents on the same page.

 

As far as MM is concerned, if he decides that he wants to play a role in her life and has come to terms with everything, I wouldn't mind. As more of his family learns about my child, I would like her to develop healthy relationships with them as well.

 

I pray that before 10 years, I will be able to forgive myself for this mess that I was a party to. I have undoubtedly learned my lesson.

 

The fantasies of just the two of you living on an island sipping mojitos with not a care in the world rarely works. I really wish that I had followed my gut instinct and gotten out before things got so complicated but then I wouldn't have my little one and I love that child with every breath that I take.

[blueroses10]

I had a therapist like this, too and I hated it! My suggestion is to find another therapist, someone who gives you feedback and acknowledges that they hear you.

 

 

 

The only life other than yours than should should concern yourself with is that of your baby's. Plenty of kids grow up with an absentee parent and they grow up to be happy, successful people. I find that the kids from single-parent homes who have problems have them because the parent who is present doesn't have his/her act together. Of course having your child grow up without the presence of her biological father is not ideal, but neither is your situation; you have to make the best out of things and demand nothing but the highest and best for you and your baby. I'm no expert, but I truly believe that as long as you are stable, happy, and well-balanced, your daughter will be fine.

 

Carrot, how did you find a better therapist. If the job of a therapist is to just sit there and listen, then my therapist did an excellent job, lol.

 

However, my expectations from therapy were to have someone with better life skills or the knowledge of life skills question and answer with me so that I would feel the right thing. Just telling my story didn't help me figure anything out. Something akin to talking to a best friend who could see things that you don't see and give advice. Maybe my expectations are off.

[TurboGirl]

A few do and would like to have a relationship. We haven't told most people because we haven't figured out what is in my child's best interest. I am going to look into finding a new counselor, maybe someone who deals more with issues like this. I want the best for my child's mental and emotional stability.

 

Counselor for.... whom? If you plan on telling the world that this child is not your husband's biological child, but someone elses... seriously, get child support! The way I see it... shut up, stay married, and the child is yours and it is no one's business. You tell the child the truth later, or not. Either way, that child will probably want to know who its biological parent is at some point and want to connect with him.

 

OR throw it out in the open now and get child support.

 

Frankly, this guy is not worried about you, darlin'. HE is the selfish one! I don't give a rat's a** if his kids are in private school and it would upset his wifey to find all of this out. If his kids are in private school that means it won't be a problem for him to pay support. Please don't let anything he says weigh into your decision. I suggest getting a lawyer, going after him, and if he won't pay, garnish is wages! Family court will do that for you.

 

Did this guy say he wants to be in the child's life?

What does your husband say about this?

 

I am so glad you had the courage to go forward and have this child. You are a strong woman, and you will get through this. Chin up, it will all work out as it was meant to.

[WorldIsYours]

I don't want any secrets

 

Then why cheat?

 

Marriage wise, if it is going to work, I would like it to start working very quickly or see effort from both of us because right now, I don't want to be married to anyone for that matter. If we stay married, I want a healthy relationship with two parents on the same page.

 

That is not your decision to make after what you've done.

 

As far as MM is concerned, if he decides that he wants to play a role in her life and has come to terms with everything, I wouldn't mind. As more of his family learns about my child, I would like her to develop healthy relationships with them as well.

 

You're in no position to make any decisions about these type of subjects. Even if your husband stays, you think he's going to want to see OM coming by his house so often after he screwed his wife? And do you think your OM's wife will want to put up with that baby? All you need to do is take care of that child yourself, and not expecting no one else around you to help. You hurt a lot of people so don't expect hand outs.

[blueroses10]

Then why cheat?

 

 

 

That is not your decision to make after what you've done.

 

 

 

You're in no position to make any decisions about these type of subjects. Even if your husband stays, you think he's going to want to see OM coming by his house so often after he screwed his wife? And do you think your OM's wife will want to put up with that baby? All you need to do is take care of that child yourself, and not expecting no one else around you to help. You hurt a lot of people so don't expect hand outs.

 

I would fully understand if my husband left. I have not placed any pressure on him to stay, in fact, I have questioned why we are still together and not divorced.

 

I understand that it would be hard for ExMM's wife and yes hard for my husband. I fully understand also that I have hurt people and I am deeply sorry. Cheating went against everything I ever believed in yet I did it. I'm not expecting hand outs from anyone. My child's father should support her. I wasn't in an affair by myself.

[bentnotbroken]

I would fully understand if my husband left. I have not placed any pressure on him to stay, in fact, I have questioned why we are still together and not divorced.

 

I understand that it would be hard for ExMM's wife and yes hard for my husband. I fully understand also that I have hurt people and I am deeply sorry. Cheating went against everything I ever believed in yet I did it. I'm not expecting hand outs from anyone. My child's father should support her. I wasn't in an affair by myself.

 

 

Very true. May I ask? How has your out look changed since all has transpired? What will you tell you child if she finds herself facing a similar situation someday?

[blueroses10]

Very true. May I ask? How has your out look changed since all has transpired? What will you tell you child if she finds herself facing a similar situation someday?

 

BNB, I really don't understand all the aspects of why things happened. I think I understand some of them. Believe it or not, I was a BS and I think a lot of things just took me down a path that I thought I would never take.

 

I would definitely tell my child that it's not worth it under any circumstances. I was really shocked that everything came from the same playbook. From the cheating to the pregnancy. I feel at times that I've lost faith in what I believe but at the same time, it's faith that has gotten me through. I wonder if I know myself and if I would do anything else that's out of character. I beat myself up 24/7.

 

I wouldn't do it again that's for sure.

[bentnotbroken]

BNB, I really don't understand all the aspects of why things happened. I think I understand some of them. Believe it or not, I was a BS and I think a lot of things just took me down a path that I thought I would never take.

 

I would definitely tell my child that it's not worth it under any circumstances. I was really shocked that everything came from the same playbook. From the cheating to the pregnancy. I feel at times that I've lost faith in what I believe but at the same time, it's faith that has gotten me through. I wonder if I know myself and if I would do anything else that's out of character. I beat myself up 24/7.

 

I wouldn't do it again that's for sure.

 

 

I wouldn't continue doing this. Your child is more important than this. I appreciate your honesty.

[blueroses10]

I wouldn't continue doing this. Your child is more important than this. I appreciate your honesty.

 

I know. I am just finding it hard to forgive myself and not keep asking for forgiveness. I know this doesn't make a bit of sense to anyone.

[bentnotbroken]

I know. I am just finding it hard to forgive myself and not keep asking for forgiveness. I know this doesn't make a bit of sense to anyone.

 

 

It makes more sense than you know. God truly forgives.

[WorldIsYours]

divorced.

 

Then divorce him and spare him more pain. He's not holding you hostage.

[blueroses10]

your H should be an idiot to be with you still...but either way he stand loose more, in a materialistic way(probably he doesn't know the value of freedom)....anyways why don't you take his name out of birth certificate....so he can at least be free from the extra s***

 

Materialistically he doesn't stand to lose anything. We divide our assets and move on. I don't think it's a matter of me just removing his name off the birth certificate, just like it wasn't a choice to put it on there. I don't agree with this law but I'm sure there's a reason it's in place.

 

Now if there were a question of whether I would try to seek support from my husband knowing that my baby isn't his, no I wouldn't do that and I don't think it is fair that he would have to pay support. He is fully aware of what the legalities are in this situation so I'm not attempting to trick him in anyway.

[blueroses10]

Then divorce him and spare him more pain. He's not holding you hostage.

 

Nor am I holding him hostage. He's an intelligent guy and he's not tied up in the basement or chained to any walls.

 

I don't have all the answers or any of them right now. That's why I finally asked for advice. I've been mulling this over in my head since the beginning of my pregnancy. I've searched message boards to see how things worked out.

 

I think (I should know from him saying so) that he wants to be married. I am learning that we all come from different backgrounds and men especially don't communicate their feelings well. I am willing to go to couple's counseling with him but whatever it is he's holding onto inside that's been hidden for years has to come out.

 

A lot of this is hard to understand without divulging all my personal information but I have been through a lot during this relationship. Now however, I guess my misdeeds have exceeded his.

 

Lastly, I am not intentionally inflicting pain upon him. He does love the baby.

[blueroses10]

It makes more sense than you know. God truly forgives.

 

I know He does, I have to accept it. I'm going to make a vow that I am going to move forward with my life and live it in a positive manner.

[tinktronik]

your H should be an idiot to be with you still...but either way he stand loose more, in a materialistic way(probably he doesn't know the value of freedom)....anyways why don't you take his name out of birth certificate....so he can at least be free from the extra s***

 

You are really out of line. Back it down just a bit please.

 

The OP is obviously trying to work a difficult situation the best way she can. Her H has made his choice at this point, he has decided to stay for now; his decision. OP, you may want to step back a bit from the back and forth with this poster, I smell a troll stirring the pot here, and take a quick breather from replying. No need to stress yourself out answering abusive posts to defend yourself. There is always the "alert us" button to use as well if you think any specific poster is being abusive or attacking toward you.

[blueroses10]

if you are so clear in your thought process why don't you just file.....anyways you did pretty much everything you should not supposed be doing,so what is that stopping you from taking that extra step...i mean,you are not doing any favors by staying....

i don't know why he is still there....but ,did he know about the affair/kid not being his....did you tell him.....i think people can be dumb or some times they see what they wanted to see.....

 

Yes I told him about the affair and that I was pregnant. We were not romantically involved so he knows the baby isn't his but he also knows who the bio father is. I haven't played games with any of this or tried to snow him over. I told him in the very beginning in case that was the next question.

[desertIslandCactus]

Yes I told him about the affair and that I was pregnant. We were not romantically involved so he knows the baby isn't his but he also knows who the bio father is. I haven't played games with any of this or tried to snow him over. I told him in the very beginning in case that was the next question.

 

Blueroses, I don't know if you can be self supporting for you and the baby, but it appears your main problem is if you wish to stay married, or be on your own.

[Emme]

He does love the baby.

 

 

In the end that's all that matters. I will say that I have watched a friend stay with her husband after he had sex with her best friends daughter... he got her pregnant. Then asked his wife to help him raise the child because the mother wasn't capable. In my mind I use to call her a fool. Years have gone by and now I know what love truly is. To work through something that thick... I mean heavy. It's just unreal. I don't think I could ever walk in her shoes. It takes great strength to let the past go and only look to the future. To love someone completely despite their flaws. Blueroses you are a lucky woman that he is still in a sense by your side. Not many would stay. As long as you can come to some common place where you guys have respect for each other it can be done. Trust that it can.

[trinity1]

I agree with all of you. I know I have to look out for the best interests of my child but through my guilt, I have taken on his family's interests. I think it's because he also says that I would be responsible for losing them.

I did see a therapist and honestly I got very little out of it. The therapist would sit there and look at me waiting for me to spill who knows what (lots of pregnant pauses). I even asked her to directly ask me what she needed to know.

 

Looking back, maybe she was sickened by the whole situation and couldn't help me. She did tell me that I am not responsible for XMM's feelings for his child and that I have to make peace with that.

 

I was in my car driving earlier and just burst into tears (I never cry because I am emotional) because I feel like whatever move I make is going to ruin someone's life.

 

At the same time, I don't want to stress myself to death and my precious baby not have a mommy around to see her grow up.

 

I have had the exact same experience as you of a therapist. I felt like I was talking to a wall. It gave me nothing. Don't think that this had anything to do with you or your situation. Some therapists work like this. You are the one supposed to talk, and they just sit and listen.

[tinktronik]

I have had the exact same experience as you of a therapist. I felt like I was talking to a wall. It gave me nothing. Don't think that this had anything to do with you or your situation. Some therapists work like this. You are the one supposed to talk, and they just sit and listen.

 

:lmao: My therapist won't shut up long enough for me to get a word in edgewise. I'm like breath darnit, breath.

 

OP try a different therapist, sometimes it can take a few tries.

[blueroses10]

:lmao: My therapist won't shut up long enough for me to get a word in edgewise. I'm like breath darnit, breath.

 

OP try a different therapist, sometimes it can take a few tries.

 

LOL that wouldn't be helpful either. I need a happy medium.

[blueroses10]

In the end that's all that matters. I will say that I have watched a friend stay with her husband after he had sex with her best friends daughter... he got her pregnant. Then asked his wife to help him raise the child because the mother wasn't capable. In my mind I use to call her a fool. Years have gone by and now I know what love truly is. To work through something that thick... I mean heavy. It's just unreal. I don't think I could ever walk in her shoes. It takes great strength to let the past go and only look to the future. To love someone completely despite their flaws. Blueroses you are a lucky woman that he is still in a sense by your side. Not many would stay. As long as you can come to some common place where you guys have respect for each other it can be done. Trust that it can.

 

Thank you. Your friend has to be a very strong woman. Very inspiring story. I know that my husband is a good guy and realize that he didn't have to stay during my pregnancy or after. I am grateful for that and if we could find a common place and stop all the bickering, it wouldn't be so hard. My baby needs a healthy environment to grow up in. My parents argued all the time and it made me a nervous nelly when I was younger so I always vowed that I wouldn't want a child of mine to be in that environment.

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement.

[Carrot2000]

Carrot, how did you find a better therapist. If the job of a therapist is to just sit there and listen, then my therapist did an excellent job, lol.

 

I didn't. After the last therapist I realized how much I'd grown from my previous sessions with other therapists (I received low-cost counseling through a training clinic for advanced PsyD students). The first two were great at letting me talk and providing feedback. They really helped me look at things from a different perspective and I appreciated that they were able to show me that they cared about my well-being and still keep a professional distance. After the last experience I felt like I was ready to take off the training wheels, using the coping skills I'd developed to move forward with my life.

 

Do you have any close friends who can make a recommendation or get a referral through EAP at your job? There is someone out there who can give you the professional guidance and support you need, so don't feel like your expectations are unreasonable.

 

Now go give that baby a big kiss and have faith that everything will turn out well for both of you.:bunny:

[WorldIsYours]

i still don't get it....what is that keeping you from filing....obviously you don't love him or give a s*** about him....you are just using him for your own convenience nothing more than that.....i hope he realizes that ASAP.

 

Exactly and just because he says he "loves the baby" now doesn't mean he will later. He's emotional right now and still trying to deal with your betrayal, regardless of whether you and your husband no longer worked on the marriage (which is another attempt to justify your cheating and pregnancy).