whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 My motives definitely aren't to pull him back in. I have thought about the various angles and what would happen if he asked for time. He wants nothing to do with the child now and wants to protect his marriage at all costs (even the cost of his child). I want our child to know his family and her extended family. I also don't want secrecy to backfire on me later. I am really stuck in a black hole. It's very hard to gauge if a child will understand why things were handled a certain way or if they will become a teenager and totally rebel. Not to mention this is killing me. Yes, the cheating was killing me too and I had decided to end it and found out I was pregnant. Perfect Lifetime story. So, you're totally okay if (and this is a big IF) he accepts the baby as his own, takes responsibility and his wife is Ok with everything... That you're willing to have shared custody with him and his wife, who will be stepmom to your baby. ? I suggest you tell him this. There's also a big chance that she will Freak Out and kick him out, and divorce him after a DNA test proving the child is infact his. She may not want to be stepmom to another woman's child conceived by her H. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Yep, I do agree with you. If I am going to have unprotected sex and risk a pregnancy, then I am willing to handle the child rearing on my own, especially if the guy is (a) married and (b) wants nothing to do with the kid. No way would I ever want him or his wife to have visitation with my kid Co-sign! Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 So, you're totally okay if (and this is a big IF) he accepts the baby as his own, takes responsibility and his wife is Ok with everything... That you're willing to have shared custody with him and his wife, who will be stepmom to your baby. ? Yes, curious about how the OP feels about this... Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Yes there is a child involved, but it doesn't take priority over everyone else. Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If I am going to have unprotected sex and risk a pregnancy Sorry, unless I missed something? Did she say that they had unprotected sex? Or did the condom break, the Pill not work? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Yes, curious about how the OP feels about this... Me too. She better be sure of what she wants. If MM is going to pay child support and wants to be involved in his child's life, there's no reason why they can't have shared custody. Even more so if MM's wife is fine with this. (Though I still doubt very much she's going to be okay with it). Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Many betrayed spouses would not want to see or take care of another's child, most likely in OP's case. Too true...but not me...I hate it when adults drag children in the middle. If I was the BS I will MAKE my WH pay for child support and encourage him to have a relationship with the child. But I won't forgive him for cheating on me. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 OMG!! Lol. I see you like to try and push people's buttons with some of your comments. But, yes, "YIKES" at a statement that refers to a child as "IT". Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Too true...but not me...I hate it when adults drag children in the middle. If I was the BS I will MAKE my WH pay for child support and encourage him to have a relationship with the child. But I won't forgive him for cheating on me. Ditto. Well, I wouldn't make him, I'd encourage him to do both...but the mere fact that I would need to do that would give me pause about who he is as a man. Edited March 2, 2011 by complicatedlife spelling Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Ditto. Well, I wouldn't make him, I'd encourage him to do both...but the mere fact that I would need to do that would give me pause about who he is as a man. Hi Cl! nice to see you back! Well, I have very strong feelings about how children are treated by adults. I think when you have kids your life essentially ceases to be yours alone. There is that little, innocent life that depends on you for basic sustenance-for their very survival. So for me, if I am the only remaining adult to do the "right" thing ("right", according to the available choices I can make/take), then so be it-pride be damned. So yes, I will MAKE, nay DEMAND that he make timely child support payments. But I agree with you on the bolded part. Another reason why there is no forgiveness for someone like him in my household. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueroses10 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Oh honey...(((((hugs))))) I think that during this pregnancy you should not let anythign stress you. You have to tak care of yourself right now and this means that you need to make the hard choices now not later. If you want your child support for that child that is what you have to do. It's not about you or him or his wife. It's about that child that you are carrying. I don't know what hold his wife might have over him to why he's so scared. Does his livlihood rests in her hands. If he has a career then you put in an oder for child support. Your husbande is not financially responsible for this child. If he chooses to help you then you are a very blessed woman. Cherish hin for that even though you and him have not had a marriage in a while. You need help, you get help. This is not you burden alone to bear. I hope you can come to a agreement with him if finance is you issue. If it can be done privately if you choose. If not get that social security and go to court house. It's time he woke up and faced reality. Congrats on your baby. No he doesn't depend on his wife financially. I think he doesn't want to give up any part of his lifestyle or want anything to change from a financial standpoint. He makes really good money. Kids attend private school but he doesn't want or even think he has to take care of this child since it was conceived outside of marriage and because he's married. Also his wife would miss the money if he paid support. All types of threats have been made about if I file, what he might do to himself, that he might quit his job, etc. I've read other stories and it all seems to come from the same handbook whether they are aware or not. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 No he doesn't depend on his wife financially. I think he doesn't want to give up any part of his lifestyle or want anything to change from a financial standpoint. He makes really good money. Kids attend private school but he doesn't want or even think he has to take care of this child since it was conceived outside of marriage and because he's married. Also his wife would miss the money if he paid support. All types of threats have been made about if I file, what he might do to himself, that he might quit his job, etc. I've read other stories and it all seems to come from the same handbook whether they are aware or not. I suggest you speak to a lawyer. Can I ask. Was the baby conceived by accident? Like the condom broke or the Pill didn't work? Or did you two take your chances with no birth control.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueroses10 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 So, you're totally okay if (and this is a big IF) he accepts the baby as his own, takes responsibility and his wife is Ok with everything... That you're willing to have shared custody with him and his wife, who will be stepmom to your baby. ? I suggest you tell him this. There's also a big chance that she will Freak Out and kick him out, and divorce him after a DNA test proving the child is infact his. She may not want to be stepmom to another woman's child conceived by her H. I would be ok with them having visitation if he sought counseling and could really prove that he loves this child and I would hope that a judge would want to know that he would be a loving father since he has said he wants nothing to do with our child. As far as his wife is concerned, as long as she treated my child well, I wouldn't have a problem but if it turned into an ugly situation with my child being in a hostile environment, then no I would not allow that to happen. I was raised in a stepfamily so I know that it can be done in a loving manner but I also know people who can be abusive. If the situation were reversed and my husband had a child and I chose to stay with him, I would love the child like my own. Probably more because the child wouldn't be mine. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I agree with all of you. I know I have to look out for the best interests of my child but through my guilt, I have taken on his family's interests. I think it's because he also says that I would be responsible for losing them. He said that, didn't he? Blueroses, HE IS RESPONSIBLE IF HE LOSES HIS FAMILY. He has a mind of his own (or did you put a spell on him that he was powerless to think for himself?). The decisions he made where his own. The choices, the risks -all his. He needs to own them, as you have yours. I swear, normally I would say, just walk away. But you know what, I said that because if something like this would ever happen to me now, I CAN walk away-as I am financially well-off. But if you need financial help in raising the child, then you need financial help in raising the child. No two ways about it. I agree with Flabbergasted. Get yourself help. ASAP. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry, unless I missed something? Did she say that they had unprotected sex? Or did the condom break, the Pill not work? Why does this matter? To assign blame? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueroses10 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 I suggest you speak to a lawyer. Can I ask. Was the baby conceived by accident? Like the condom broke or the Pill didn't work? Or did you two take your chances with no birth control.. We used protection and I almost fainted when I found out I was pregnant. I have been in a fog every since. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Why does this matter? To assign blame? If they were careful, and the condome broke that's one thing. It's another for them not to be concerned and go without and just do it, hope that no STD's or pregnancy happens. My question isn't malcious, it's a valid question. One I'm sure his wife will want to know IF she is informed of her H fathering a baby outside of their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 No he doesn't depend on his wife financially. I think he doesn't want to give up any part of his lifestyle or want anything to change from a financial standpoint. He makes really good money. Kids attend private school but he doesn't want or even think he has to take care of this child since it was conceived outside of marriage and because he's married. Also his wife would miss the money if he paid support. All types of threats have been made about if I file, what he might do to himself, that he might quit his job, etc. I've read other stories and it all seems to come from the same handbook whether they are aware or not.[/QUOTE] BlueRoses, Yes, from what I've read on here - it does seem to come from the same handbook, and with threats. Please try to not meet with him. When it's time to ask for support, turn everything over to an attorney. (sorry, I don't remember if the baby is here or not). Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I would be ok with them having visitation if he sought counseling and could really prove that he loves this child and I would hope that a judge would want to know that he would be a loving father since he has said he wants nothing to do with our child. As far as his wife is concerned, as long as she treated my child well, I wouldn't have a problem but if it turned into an ugly situation with my child being in a hostile environment, then no I would not allow that to happen. I was raised in a stepfamily so I know that it can be done in a loving manner but I also know people who can be abusive. If the situation were reversed and my husband had a child and I chose to stay with him, I would love the child like my own. Probably more because the child wouldn't be mine. Oh of course. And you need to protect your child no matter what. We used protection and I almost fainted when I found out I was pregnant. I have been in a fog every since. How far along are you? I think right now you need to focus on staying as stress free as you can, eat well, take all the vitamins you need to take, and rest. Put yourself and that soon to be cute belly of yours first. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If they were careful, and the condome broke that's one thing. It's another for them not to be concerned and go without and just do it, hope that no STD's or pregnancy happens. My question isn't malcious, it's a valid question. One I'm sure his wife will want to know IF she is informed of her H fathering a baby outside of their marriage. Ok, so let's say they did not use a condom and was just hoping for "the best" they won't get pregnant but got pregnant anyway then what would your advise be? Remember, the question is about CHILD SUPPORT. Please explain how that connects. I am sure the wife will want to know a lot of things about the relationship, as she has every right to, imho. Again, STDs or no STDs, protection or not- fact is,she is pregnant of MM's child and is asking if she should compel him to pay child support. Your question may not be malicious, but how is that valid to the OP? Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 If they were careful, and the condome broke that's one thing. It's another for them not to be concerned and go without and just do it, hope that no STD's or pregnancy happens. My question isn't malcious, it's a valid question. One I'm sure his wife will want to know IF she is informed of her H fathering a baby outside of their marriage. I have to say, I don't think it matters either. The W will know enough just knowing her H had sex with another. And whether or not the two used birth control, doesn't appear to be a part of the original question. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I have to say, I don't think it matters either. The W will know enough just knowing her H had sex with another. And whether or not the two used birth control, doesn't appear to be a part of the original question. Thank you, DIC.! My point exactly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueroses10 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Oh of course. And you need to protect your child no matter what. How far along are you? I think right now you need to focus on staying as stress free as you can, eat well, take all the vitamins you need to take, and rest. Put yourself and that soon to be cute belly of yours first. No I've already had my baby but did as you said. Things weren't easy and I tried to remain as stress free as possible and prayed a lot. I tried to read a lot about situations like mine. Not sure if I can mention her name so I won't but a young lady came on in much the same situation except her MM was violent. The advice that you guys gave her helped me. I never met with MM after I told him I was pregnant. I really didn't know what he was capable of, mind you none of this ever manifested in the time that I've known him. I was really shocked that he wasn't more supportive since we were in this together. It really is true what a lot of you write about the fact that the MM is only in things for himself even when he seems loving and caring, etc. This situation has changed my whole outlook on life. I love my child with all my heart and I'm blessed. I don't understand how I could be given such a precious gift out of a bad situation. If only for one reason, it ended an affair that had been hard to end and my child brings me so much joy. I have to learn to accept it completely though because I don't feel I deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 I've got to admit that my gut reaction would be the same as FooledOnce and Complicated Life. I'd not want the involvement, the hassle nor the drama of drawing the MM and his family into mine - forever. If you have the financial resources to raise the child on your own, that is the choice I personally would make. It doesn't mean that when your child is older and asks about his father that you can't tell him/her about the father. Then it is your child's choice to pursue a relationship or not. I'm not keen on forcing someone to do something they aren't interested in doing (even when it is the right thing) - but that's me. Also, in case you haven't already thought of this, the BW during the drama stage will probably claim that you got pregnant on purpose to "trap" him, and your child will almost undoubtedly hear that at some point - probably from his/her half-siblings.... I'd just not go down that road, personally. There are a lot of things more important than the financial advantage of child support. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Our stories couldn't match more (except for the fact that you are married). I am due in about a week with exMM's baby. He and I haven't spoken in a couple months because he went ballistic when I told him I was pregnant. He has never been a violent person or a bad-tempered person but he turned really abusive after that, tried to manipulate and harass me. He is married with two sons, excellent job, his older son also just started private school. But he wants nothing to do with our child. I told him I am all for a private agreement between us, his wife doesn't need to know anything but he refused, threatened me, tried to make me feel guilty etc. you know the drill. Finally, after long consideration I figured out that it would be best if I don't file for child support, I told him that I will leave him be, as long as he leaves me alone. He can pretend he doesn't have a child. That was my decision. I figured that right now it's best if the two of us don't have this person in our lives. And him actively paying child support gives him rights. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 (edited) Hi Cl! nice to see you back! Hi, Tami Chan!! :bunny: If you have the financial resources to raise the child on your own, that is the choice I personally would make. It doesn't mean that when your child is older and asks about his father that you can't tell him/her about the father. Then it is your child's choice to pursue a relationship or not. I'm not keen on forcing someone to do something they aren't interested in doing (even when it is the right thing) - but that's me. Also, in case you haven't already thought of this, the BW during the drama stage will probably claim that you got pregnant on purpose to "trap" him, and your child will almost undoubtedly hear that at some point - probably from his/her half-siblings.... I'd just not go down that road, personally. There are a lot of things more important than the financial advantage of child support. I absolutely love what you have written here, especially the bolded part - it is the exact way that I would be. I have a very good friend who has a 13 year old with her ex-boyfriend. He never gives her any money for the child, but he is VERY active in the child''s life. When I asked her about it, she said, "He sees her almost everyday, picks her up from school, she sleeps over his house, so he KNOWS what she needs. If he still doesn't feel compelled to do something for her monetarily, that is completely on him. I just know that I am not going to stop my child from having a good relationship with her father and I'm not telling a grown man what to do when he knows what he SHOULD do. I do whatever else needs to be done." This is why we are friends - we are so much alike! Call us weird, but to me, this is the right way to be for the child and for your own sanity. Finally, after long consideration I figured out that it would be best if I don't file for child support, I told him that I will leave him be, as long as he leaves me alone. He can pretend he doesn't have a child. That was my decision. I figured that right now it's best if the two of us don't have this person in our lives. And him actively paying child support gives him rights. I concur. I think he may have rights even if he doesn't pay child support (though if brought into the court system, they would make him pay) - I think he'd have to sign away his parental rights to have absolutely no say about anything dealing with the child. Edited March 2, 2011 by complicatedlife Link to post Share on other sites
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