fresh8 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Hey everyone. I am new. Looks like a good forum and here is my story (hope you don't get bored reading!) We have known each other for 3 years. We met through work when she was 16 turning 17. I had just turned 20 at the time. She had a crush on me from the beginning but I never entertained the thought of being with her since I felt that she was too young for me. However, we hung out more and one thing led to another and I asked her out on a date. She told me that although she did like me before, she now only saw me as a very good friend. Her brother found out about us the next day. We all worked together and I was in fact friends with him at the time. Understandably he would have felt betrayed that I went for his sister. He told me to back off. I said sorry to him but made it clear that what me and her had was our own business. He told me that I need not speak to either of them anymore. She was too scared to see me after that and the brother and I had a falling out after I foolishly confronted him. About 8 months later, she started to talk to me again and even asked me out to see a movie. One thing led to another and after a few months as friends, we began dating. From the start, it felt so natural and easy to be together. I could feel that the feelings we had for each other were more advanced and developed than I would have expected after so little time together. I let slip that I loved her after a month. She just smiled and didn't say it back to me. Then 2 days later, she told me that she loved me too. Everything was perfect a month and a half into the relationship. Then she told her brother about us. She stood her ground and said that he could not take her away from me. A few days later, the brother told her parents who forced her to break up with me. We would get back together and secretly date. For the next 10 months up to now, it was the perfect relationship. We rarely fought, we had very strong love for each other and for the first time in each of our lives, we were happy. She told me that she has never loved someone this much and I know I have never loved anyone this much. She was the first girl that I stood up against my parents for and slowly (but surely) they had accepted her. It's funny how things go. We recently spent a lovely Valentines Day after I had finished work. During the weekend, we spent the day at the beach. Everything was still great until one morning she told me she couldn't sneak around anymore and we had to stop what we were doing. The next night she asked to break up via email. I was so heartbroken. A few days later, I asked her to see me face to face. She refused to. We tried to talk on the phone but all she did was break down. I remember when we first broke up 10 months ago, I promised that I would never stop fighting for us to stay together (She said that I better not break that promise). However, I don't think I can fight for her this time because her mind seems to be fairly made up. She said even if we did get her parents to accept me, the rest of her family wouldn't. I know that we are too young to consider a life together (now she is 19 and I am 22) but for us, we did discuss it in the end (perhaps even too late). When I left her a voice message because she couldn't talk on the phone and refused to see me in person, she said that when she is older, she wants a normal family and that means that she has to leave me because together she is convinced we will always be judged. I am heartbroken. I can't eat and I can't sleep. Whenever I think of her, I want to cry but I can't even do that. It's been nearly a week since we broke up and I just can't take it. She says that she still wants to be friends when everything settles down but I don't see how it's possible. She could have been 'The One' for me and I feel like I will potentially always have a thing for her. I don't know what to do. I want to let go but I don't. I wish I could convince her to stay with me but I don't want to even try as I don't want her to feel like I am forcing her to do something she does not want to do. I tried to make it work so hard and all we had to do was wait 9 months. I've been doing extra subjects to finish my law degree and I was convincing myself that maybe when I finished that and get a job as a law clerk, we'd be able to convince her parents that I am a good guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fresh8 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 After consulting with a friend who claims he has been through the same thing twice, he advised me to pursue her if I am really wanting to. The reason is this: my own family presented me with the same challenges that her family would do. Long story short, my parents weren't happy I was with her. My grandma found out from an aunt about it and grandma actually called mom from overseas and told her to tell me to stop seeing this girl. Mom was of the same opinion and with the influence of the rest of the family, threatened to 'disown' me if I kept seeing this girl. I stood my ground and told her that she can't choose who I want to be with. After a few testy months (but no more than 3), mom began to accept my ex for who she was and after seeing us so happy together, she began to allow her into our lives. I never told my ex because I was worried that it would ruin the 'relationship' between her and my mom. Mom was always nice to her and luckily they did not see each other while I was fighting with my parents about her. However, upon hearing this, my friend told me I'd be stupid to not tell my ex. At the same time, I'm scared that it's too late. She broke up with me 7 days ago and the last time we messaged each other was about 4-5 days ago. One option I haven't explored is that I could try talk to one of her close girl friends but I'm worried that she will get back to my ex first about this. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Saphira Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 i think you should pursue things. sit down with the family. tell them how you feel about there daughter. what is it exactly that they are judging? the age? if you think about it it relly is only 3 years difference. If you two feel as strongly for each other as you lead me to believe, then fight man fight! like i said. knock on the door one night and sit with the family. dont leave let them know how you feel about her. there has to be some other reason that both the brother and family despise this relationship so strongly for. i cant see it being only the 3 year age difference. I wish you the best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author fresh8 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) We're different nationalities. I think that was one of the stumbling blocks. At least for me, that is the only stumbling block. For her, we have the additional one of her brother hating me and continually feeding into her parent's minds that I am a bad guy (which I do not understand why he thinks that). I know a lot of my friends find the concept foreign in this day and age so hopefully all of you can understand. With you being the same age as her Saphira (I believe you are 19 as well), let me know if it's scary to commit to something long term. Because as I see it, that's what we need to commit to if we were to fight back... Edited March 1, 2011 by fresh8 Link to post Share on other sites
Saphira Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 yes, i will be turning 20 this month though xD and yes i understand that the nationality thing does still continue. i am mixed, i havent gotten it alot, but i get it on occasion. and not just in relationships. i was in the store once. and a Spanish man yelled at me for being his color !_! he was all im so tired of your ppl making oreo babies that look like my ppl. it was weird. anyway, sorry i got off topic, yes i think you should commit. if you BOTH want to commit. I mean why else date if your not thinking about something happening in the long run. But you both need to have a conversation about that, and maybe involve the family. If the brother is bad mouthing you, your only option is to prove to the family that your not a bad guy. and that is buy stepping up and talking to the family. introduce yourself to them. converse with them. let them know your feelings toward their daughter. and have her there with you so she can chime in too. If you BOTH want this then you BOTH are going to have to help, and tie the two families together. i know it seems like alot to do at such a young age. but at the moment its your only choice. you dont have to ask her to marry you lol. but try and talk to the parents. with her, and let them see how you really are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fresh8 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Well, I have raised the possibility of confronting her parents but she says that she would prefer not to. I quote her: 'my dad has done so much to bring the family here that I cannot let my feelings ruin theirs.' So I am not sure if by me telling her about my family will actually make any difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Saphira Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 man i dont know. there is only so much you can do without her help unfortunately. if she isnt willing to try things im not sure what to tell you. I dont see how one conversation would ruin all that they have worked for. its not like your going over there because of them being here. your just talking about your feeling towards their daughter. may i ask what the nationalities are. it doesnt make a difference, just curious. umm, but like i said. there isnt much you can do on your own, and t seems like if you do some of the things you need to do she wouldn't be happy about it, which in turn would backfire. I guess the only thing you can do is wait untill she decides what to do. Or face the fact that it may not work because she is letting her family get in the way of everything. all my advice seems to be shot down by her, Im not saying anything bad about her, please dont mistake my meaning, she sounds wounderful, but without her effort in it, or her help, i dont know what else you can do that you haven't already tried. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fresh8 Posted March 1, 2011 Author Share Posted March 1, 2011 Yeah, my last option if I want to pursue would be to send a message to her friend and see what she thinks. I guess I don't want to in case she goes to my ex and tells her and they think I'm needy or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Saphira Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 yes, and in most cases a friend will do that. If she is a good friend (in us girls terms lol) then yes she would most likely say something to her Link to post Share on other sites
Author fresh8 Posted March 2, 2011 Author Share Posted March 2, 2011 Well, I sent her friend a message on Facebook. I'm pretty sure she's seen it but has not replied. :S Not looking good for me unfortunately. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Saphira Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 im sorry to hear that. I hope things get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fresh8 Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) So I sent her an email about what I did with my family. She replies that it's good we're not together if so many people were opposed to us. She also states that she's over being in a relationship because of sacrifices she's had to make. Then I said that my family have accepted so maybe I could speak to her family to accept us. After some tos and fros, we eventually got into an 'argument' over text message. (Yes, text message... we still have not spoken in 2 weeks) Some words were said and she told me stuff like: - You chickened out the first time when you had a chance to speak with my family (Got me angry cause she begged me not to confront her family at the time) - We were nothing special (to which my friend Amy says, 'as a girl I can tell you she is lying) - I don't want to go through what I went through 12 months ago - I'm happier now than when we were together I told her that if that's how she is then I'm wasting my time and then I texted, 'I want to fight for us but if you don't want it, then I can't do nothing. I will stop bothering you from now on.' She replies, 'Fine! I will stop bothering you too!' I was in a class and so angry that halfway I walked out and my friend followed and I was cussing and all that. At that point I said, "I"m gonna move on first! Screw her" 30 minutes later she texts, "I'm sorry for wat I said..." >.<" Since I am such an idiot, I texted her one last time 'I would have spoken to your parents then but it wasn't right. We have a better chance now. Let me fight for us. Please." She would reply, "No. I think this is for the best we stay apart. I miss you a lot but I'm sorry." Then she would text, "I'm sorry but you know this is true. No one wanted us together... I miss you. I know relationships are all about sacrifice but family is not something you sacrifice." I guess I got my answer and yesterday I fared better than the past week. Last night, I told my friends that I was going to try and move on. Funny thing is that I could not bear to delete our photos together on my phone then this morning, I actually deleted them all by accident. A bit gutted but oh well... it had to be done eventually. Anyways, more **** came my way this morning. My sister (who has a disability) ran away from home. We went to the police to report her missing. When I got home, I didn't know who to talk to so I stupidly texted my ex. We texted about my sister then got to us (we were probably exchanging texts for 2 hours like we normally did). And I told her that although I miss her a lot, I understand her decision and was glad that we could still be in eachother's lives. She said she felt the same and was glad we were texting again. Now I'm worried that I'm gonna get really jealous of her when she moves on first. I dunno what I'm doing... Edited March 5, 2011 by fresh8 Link to post Share on other sites
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