JerryS Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 Hi everyone, this is my first post here and could use some input. I'm a 50 divorced guy and have had very few relationships in my life. A few years ago, I met a divorced women, five years younger than me on match.com and we hit it off and have been in a committed relationship since. For the last year or so though, I've personally been struggling with things and I'm not sure what to do. I was wondering if anybody could weigh in and give some opinions. My girlfriend is attractive and she is loving person, honest, and decent. She works hard, has a successful professional career,and has made a good life for herself and her kids. I do love her but there are some issues. First, she has some habits that I don't share. She smokes (she tried to quit several times with no luck) and she drinks (whiskey and 7-up) every night. She says she needs to do these things to help her relax or she can't sleep. She has a stressful job in health insurance which she talks about incessantly. She has two teenage kids (boy and girl) who are very disrespectful towards her and with whom she often gets into loud, profanity-laced shouting matches. In the past year, she has been in the ER twice because of anxiety attacks. We don't share many common interests (she really isn't interested in very much outside of work) and she tends to put down things I'm interested in like music or sports. She is also somewhat unhappy with me because we still maintain separate residences. She has a fairly large house and she invited me to move in but I have said that due to issues with our kids (I have three girls, the youngest now 16) and finances, I am not quite ready for that. We've had only a few arguments during our time together but this last issue has caused some very bad feelings for her and some very heated arguments which actually almost caused us to break up last summer. Her thinking was that if I don't want to live with her, she is just wasting time with me because I'm not committed to her. I do go to her house to be with her almost every night and will typically spend the night there. A couple nights a week, I will stay at my house because I have things to do there and also want to spend time with my kids but she does not come there at all. So, the situation for me right now is that, I feel quite a bit of tension on a daily basis trying to maintain this relationship. When I go there, I'm always nervous about what I'm walking into. I can typically count on her being intoxicated before the end of the evening, which changes her mood for better or worse depending on the day. There is also a good chance that I'll be treated to an hours long discussion about how bad her job is and/or find myself in the middle of a fight between herself and her kids. And, I feel like there time-bomb ticking away before the next inevitable blow up about the living arrangements. I really feel like I'm walking a tight-rope trying to keep her happy and if I don't perform perfectly, I'm in big trouble. I can't really tell her any of this either because she will surely be offended and that will set the bomb off again but it's getting really hard being the that environment of stress everyday and it's really starting to suck the life out of me. By the way, she's had a few other relationships before me since her divorce, which she all ended for one reason or another. The last one was a "friends with benefits" type thing who she said tried to control her too much so he had to go. But she also said he was a better friend to her than I ever was because he would just show up and do "handyman" kind of things. Anyway, I tried to keep this short as possible so I'm sure there's things I left out but anyway, what do you all think should be done? Link to post Share on other sites
Datura Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 You mention trying to keep her happy, what about your happiness? Are these matters superseding her "loving, honest, decent" nature? There seem to be a lot of underlying issues that need addressed or else things will continue to fall apart. Is counseling an option? Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 1, 2011 Share Posted March 1, 2011 (edited) For several reasons, this does not look hopeful at all. To me, at least. I suspect that there's more to your reasons for not being "ready" to move in yet than you let on. And no, you're not lying -- it's a hard thing to acknowledge. I suspect the main reason is that you're looking into a future living with her, seeing it as the same as what you have now but with you having no home of your own to retreat to and your girls being miserable in that environment, and knowing in your heart of hearts that you don't want your life to look like that. I've been where you are, but when I finally had the strength to admit that I was miserable in the relationship, we'd already been living together for nine months. I, too, felt like the life was being sucked out of me. The actual process of getting out of the relationship wasn't a picnic, given that we were living together (it was crappy, actually), but when I'd finally extricated myself, I felt like I'd just been paroled. Seriously. It was a hard decision, but absolutely the right one. So, back to your specific situation: she judges her previous friend-with-benefits as being a better friend to her than you are, because he would show up and act as her handyman. That says quite a bit. You have few common interests, and the interests YOU have, she denigrates or otherwise doesn't value. Can you imagine how much opportunity she'll give you to pursue those interests once you're living with her? Next to none, I'll bet. Not with all the handyman stuff she'll have you doing, the drunken ranting you'll be listening to, and the fights you'll be trying to defuse between her and her kids. You're already nervous and apprehensive every time you head over there. Try to imagine what your life will be like when you're feeling that way EVERY DAY. Every time you go home. I'm sure there are things about her that you like and that you do care about. That's why this is so hard for you. But honestly, it sounds to me like your future happiness is going to depend on ending the relationship. Hope that's not to blunt, mang, but I call 'em like I see 'em. Best of luck with your next steps. Edited March 1, 2011 by reservoirdog1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2011 Share Posted March 2, 2011 Welcome to LS. I know this person you're talking about.... just kidding That said, it sure sounds familiar. She's a type A controller. I especially noted her demonstrated lack of care for aspects of your life, like they're insignificant. That's ominous. My bet is, if you dropped her today, she'd lasso another guy next week and get him into the corral with her crop and spurs. They always do. I've been down this path and have seen the supernova. Up to you if you want to see what that light is or warp out of there. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts