donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My bf's wife said 'if that's what will make you happy'... And that changed to 'mum is not going to cope well with this, she'll probably fall ill and if she dies it will be your fault' And then... 'you can't leave me at this age, it's the worst age to be left, I have nothing and no one. Why would you abandon me?' And then... 'you'll never cope, you can't function on your own, you don't know how to look after yourself, I only came back to you because I knew you couldn't have a decent life without me'. And... 'NOW you leave, now I can't have children... how selfish...' And so much more. I suspect that a LOT of betrayed spouses tell their other half to eff off. And I also think a hell of a lot of other things get said, Donna, and you are oversimplifying. I suspect he told you she said those things. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 And then... 'you'll never cope, you can't function on your own, you don't know how to look after yourself, I only came back to you because I knew you couldn't have a decent life without me'. wow this one really stood out to me. So they split and then she came back to him? So am I right to assume they are off again because he was still with you on the side? So he actually took her back even after they split? You are okay with that and your position now? Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I honestly wouldn't recommend it. I'm sad for you that you feel that way. Ok, it's sad that you actually truly believe that. No, I wouldn't do that. It does no good for me. I am not going to throw out my values and my mental state to get all caught up with drama. I already been there, unwillingly and unware. It was horrible. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to go through it. Besides, I wouldn't want my children to be ashamed of me. They will hurt too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 I suspect he told you she said those things. I find your response rather disappointing. Donna, it matters not what YOU suspect. As yet there is no reason for me to suspect he is making those things up. And additional info and comms and third party interaction very much backs up his assertions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Silly_Girl Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 wow this one really stood out to me. So they split and then she came back to him? So am I right to assume they are off again because he was still with you on the side? So he actually took her back even after they split? You are okay with that and your position now? She left him for another man, for over a year. She came back and continued a close but non-physical relationship with her MM. Around a year later I met my bf. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Donna, Since owoman's point was misconstrued, let me add some more evidence to the pile that you all should find less offensive. The bs in my case also begged my mm to stay with her when d-day hit. For over a year after he left, she was STILL begging him to come back to her. I know this from reading the emails and cards that mm showed me. Also, consider the case of notsure7. He intended to tell his w that be was leaving for ow when he disclosed his A. His w cried and pleaded and begged for him to stay, and he decided to stay. The point is simply that bw's pleading with the wh to stay isn't all that unusual, and may in fact be the most common scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Donna, Since owoman's point was misconstrued, let me add some more evidence to the pile that you all should find less offensive. The bs in my case also begged my mm to stay with her when d-day hit. For over a year after he left, she was STILL begging him to come back to her. I know this from reading the emails and cards that mm showed me. Also, consider the case of notsure7. He intended to tell his w that be was leaving for ow when he disclosed his A. His w cried and pleaded and begged for him to stay, and he decided to stay. The point is simply that bw's pleading with the wh to stay isn't all that unusual, and may in fact be the most common scenario.Well, that's three so far... Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Well, that's three so far... Ok fine- There's also my neighbor who left his w for a 24 year old he met at the gym. BW pleaded and begged for him to come back and he did. They immediately got pregnant, bc that fixes everything A woman I used to work with - her h also left her for another woman. Again, she pleaded and begged fir him to come back and made it nearly impossible for him to see his kids because she was trying to manipulate him into coming home. I could go on and on.... Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Donna, Since owoman's point was misconstrued, let me add some more evidence to the pile that you all should find less offensive. The bs in my case also begged my mm to stay with her when d-day hit. For over a year after he left, she was STILL begging him to come back to her. I know this from reading the emails and cards that mm showed me. Also, consider the case of notsure7. He intended to tell his w that be was leaving for ow when he disclosed his A. His w cried and pleaded and begged for him to stay, and he decided to stay. The point is simply that bw's pleading with the wh to stay isn't all that unusual, and may in fact be the most common scenario. go read some other sites about infidelity and how to survive infidelity and you will find that that certainly is not the norm. Did "your" married man go back to his wife or is he with you now? Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 go read some other sites about infidelity and how to survive infidelity and you will find that that certainly is not the norm. Did "your" married man go back to his wife or is he with you now? Neither. He got divorced almost 2 years ago and we were engaged. He treated me like crap, so I left him. He begged me to come back to him for a long time until he heard I was dating a new guy. To my knowledge, he's not back with xw. I almost wish he was. Those 2 deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Neither. He got divorced almost 2 years ago and we were engaged. He treated me like crap, so I left him. He begged me to come back to him for a long time until he heard I was dating a new guy. To my knowledge, he's not back with xw. I almost wish he was. Those 2 deserve each other. I just have to ask. Why is it you feel his betrayed wife deserves him if he treated you like crap? You feel she deserves crap? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Also my mother. She initially kicked out her cheating 2nd H and then proceeded to beg him to come back within a couple days. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 brokenlady are you an ow to a new man or have you not been an ow for a while now? That's sad about your mother and it was her 2nd husband? It sounds like you didn't have a very good example of marriage growing up. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I just have to ask. Why is it you feel his betrayed wife deserves him if he treated you like crap? You feel she deserves crap? Why? Both of them thrive on abusing each other. For a long time I believed it was just that she was abusing him. As I got to know her better, it became clear it was a two way street. And they both absolutely suck as parents - constantly putting the kids in the middle of their crap. They are probably the two most dishonest manipulative people I have ever met. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Both of them thrive on abusing each other. For a long time I believed it was just that she was abusing him. As I got to know her better, it became clear it was a two way street. And they both absolutely suck as parents - constantly putting the kids in the middle of their crap. They are probably the two most dishonest manipulative people I have ever met. and you were stuck right in the middle of their big pile of crap. Aren't you glad to be rid of that trash? Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 brokenlady are you an ow to a new man or have you not been an ow for a while now? That's sad about your mother and it was her 2nd husband? It sounds like you didn't have a very good example of marriage growing up. I will never ever be an ow ever again. Never. I can't be emphatic enough about that. It was never a lifestyle choice for me. I was in love with someone I thought was a much better person than he was. New boyfriend is single. And absolutely wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I will never ever be an ow ever again. Never. I can't be emphatic enough about that. It was never a lifestyle choice for me. I was in love with someone I thought was a much better person than he was. New boyfriend is single. And absolutely wonderful. I love when I read things like that. Congrats!!! You learned a hard lesson but are so much better for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 and you were stuck right in the middle of their big pile of crap. Aren't you glad to be rid of that trash? Omg yes!! I only wish I had gotten out sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Ok fine- There's also my neighbor who left his w for a 24 year old he met at the gym. BW pleaded and begged for him to come back and he did. They immediately got pregnant, bc that fixes everything A woman I used to work with - her h also left her for another woman. Again, she pleaded and begged fir him to come back and made it nearly impossible for him to see his kids because she was trying to manipulate him into coming home. I could go on and on.... The people who stay or come back? They did because they WANTED to. As I said previously, I can't imagine many people wouldn't be devastated upon discovery. It may take some folks a few days to regain their footing and make a decision from a position of strength. If the WS was so ambivalent as to be that easily swayed, there was most likely not much time between discovery and the decision to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I will never ever be an ow ever again. Never. I can't be emphatic enough about that. It was never a lifestyle choice for me. I was in love with someone I thought was a much better person than he was. New boyfriend is single. And absolutely wonderful. Awww, a happy ending! Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 The people who stay or come back? They did because they WANTED to. As I said previously, I can't imagine many people wouldn't be devastated upon discovery. It may take some folks a few days to regain their footing and make a decision from a position of strength. If the WS was so ambivalent as to be that easily swayed, there was most likely not much time between discovery and the decision to stay. Obviously. My point was not about the wh's motivation to stay, leave, or come back, but rather about the frequency of bw's pleading their h's to stay after d-day. It makes me sad really. I mean, they've already been disrespected and traumatized and then they feel like they have to disrespect themselves to keep their world together. I would hope thAt if I were ever unfortunate enough to be in the position of a BW that I'd have the strength to kick him out for good. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Obviously. My point was not about the wh's motivation to stay, leave, or come back, but rather about the frequency of bw's pleading their h's to stay after d-day. It makes me sad really. I mean, they've already been disrespected and traumatized and then they feel like they have to disrespect themselves to keep their world together. I would hope thAt if I were ever unfortunate enough to be in the position of a BW that I'd have the strength to kick him out for good. Everyone's path is different regarding how to deal with infidelity. It may take some folks a few days to regain their footing and deal with the situation from a position of strength, whether it be to try to work out the M or boot the offending party. Strength comes in many packages and at various timelines. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer That was a little random (the bolded part). Has anyone on this thread claimed that they are? One thing we don't have to argue: everyone who cheats IS a cheater. So...if you overate at a party does that make an an 'overeater'? An overeater for life? Not necessarily. I didn't say "everyone who EVER cheated is a cheater." I used the present tense on purpose. Listen, I have done a lot of things in my life that were, according to my own morals and values, BAD. I cheated on a boyfriend when I was young (stupid "revenge" for his own), and I later cheated on a man who loved me because I was swept away by a fantasy about an ex. I messed around with a married man who was my boss. I am a recovering drug addict, so you can imagine what all went with that. I am not "holier than thou." I've possibly done more "bad" things than the majority of people posting here. And I don't take any of that lightly. I DO believe that a person who has the propensity to cheat - to seek and use any other "easier" ways do deal with a bad situation than direct, honest, confrontation; OR to just be weak in the face of temptation, will likely have this tendency for life. I think that the key to this, as I believe I posted earlier (but I'm not sure, since it seems like a decade ago), is TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY AND BEING FULLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR ONESELF AND ONES OWN SHORTCOMINGS. Also, for any and all hurtful results of those to other people. That means, to me, that I need to be aware of when I am headed towards a dangerous (to me) path, to always be as honest as I can with myself about my own motivations, and to keep away from the slopes that I find slippery. Of course, this presupposed that I have already decided that certain behaviors are "bad" and destructive, to me and to others. I am fully aware that lots of people who post on this forum do not think that cheating is "bad." And I apologize for using the value-judgement-drenched word, "BAD," so much, but why mince them. This entire topic would not even exist if it were not for value judgements. Other people who have cheated, or done other "bad" things don't have to be labeled for life, as long as they don't leave those avenues open to themselves and the communication about those issues is always clear between their loved ones and themselves. Including me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I will never ever be an ow ever again. Never. I can't be emphatic enough about that. It was never a lifestyle choice for me. I was in love with someone I thought was a much better person than he was. New boyfriend is single. And absolutely wonderful. Good for you broken! Wonderful is what you deserve not trash! I wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
mzdolphin Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 MM who cheated with me, cheated again after I told his wife. Continued to cheat for months after that. I finally wised up and ended it and he continues to pursue. I'm sure he presented to his wife and kids as "people make mistakes". But I'm convinced that not only would he continue to cheat with me if I let him, that he's probably cheating with other women. And this guy is a good father, has a high profile job and even admits that his marriage is not horrible. He claims it's me. That he can't get me out of his mind. I know better. He's just a cheat and will continue to cheat. Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
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