Decade of marriage & have crush on another man.

[midwestconfusion]

I have been married for nearly a decade now and recently, I met a man that, upon first sight, prompted butterflies in my stomach and an instant attraction. I kept my distance in the beginning but after the third encounter I couldn't resist and had to approach this man. I was floored to learn that the attraction was mutual. After many conversations we did share a kiss and although I regret doing so, I also felt weak in the knees, a sensation I haven't felt in a very long time. For the next couple of months afterwards, I avoided seeing him but I soon found myself longing for those butterflies again and gave in to temptation and took myself to him again. He saw me and upon first sight, he offered me the most amazing smile, just to be seeing me again, and I melted. I was instantly transported to cloud 9.

 

I have developed the most incredible crush on this man. I can't get him out of my head. I feel so terrible about this and I know that even if I were single, this man would not be anything more than a fling. He's not marriage material, but more of a boy-toy. He is younger than I am and I tend to wonder if perhaps this crush is derrived from seeing what I used to see in my husband. Over the years my husband has lost his charm, wit and boyish good looks. He has become a stern, uptight, homebody with no sense of humor or interest for adventure and I have found myself to have compromised my identity to satisfy his changing priorities and personality as well, just to keep the marriage alive.

 

I just don't know what to do. I know that I love my husband but sometimes I don't know if I am "in love" with him anymore because he has become such a stick in the mud.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? Could I be going through some sort of "7 year itch" a little later than usual? Could it be some sort of subconscious way of trying to revisit my youth? I did get married fairly young and when I did get married, I was just coming out of a very emotional breakup...literally days of. My husband and I had eloped less than 6 months of meeting and many said our marriage wouldn't last but it's been 10 years now.

 

I have this longing for spontenaety, excitement, romance, laughter, pleasure and just great fun. My husband does not stimulate me in any way anymore, not even though conversation. We cannot even engage in a stimulating discussion about anything because he's so engrossed in his habitual rituals and focusing on anything BUT me.

 

I just want to know that I'm not alone in this situation. To know that I am not the only one this has happened to and if it happened to you, what did you do?

 

I'm very confused.

[zarathustra]

Wow, are you smitten, girl! I'll leave it for others to sternly remind you of your marriage vows, commitment, the virtues of monogamy, yadda, yadda , yadda. You'll be told to seek counseling, visit a useful website known as marriagebuilders.com. and to try to reinvigorate things with your husband. All good, mature advice, which you should heed.

 

But right now, this young man is everything your stick-in-the-mud husband is no longer--young, attractive, interesting, interested in you and, dare I say it, FUN. The man makes you swoon.

 

If this young man is single, emotionally available but not going to expect you to leave your husband for him, why not have a fling? I'm not talking a 5-year affair. Just a few week fling. Realize, though, that things, especially in matters of the heart, frequently don't go as planned. Much could happen that might ruin your marriage, reputation and self-respect.

 

After the affair, you may decide that you're no one's wife, anymore. In which case, move on to new men and adventures. Or, you may find that the grass isn't always greener in another man's arms. Are you willing to find out? Is it worth the risk?

[midwestconfusion]

You hit the nail on the head. I AM "smitten".

 

I've tried to engage my husband more. Tried to draw the "old him" out for the past year and then some and nothing changes. I've become a fuddy duddy myself as a result and this crush has actually been the eye opener. I've been able to look at myself in the mirror and ask "where have you been"...TO MYSELF! I've missed the old "us", but nothing seems to work. I even rented out a secluded hideaway for a spontaneous romantic weekend setup and my husband wasn't psyched to go. Once there, he just wanted to sit in front of the TV and go to bed early...TO SLEEP!

 

When my husband and I met, I was the life of the party. Everyone's friend and unpredictable. A real wild child & free spirit. I was the biggest flirt and was a real fan of dating. But once I met him, I longed for security, commitment. I wanted to settle down but didn't expect "settling down" to mean I'd be living a boring, sheltered life with no excitement, laughter or affection. My husband doesn't compliment me, doesn't reach out to me, doesn't make me feel desirable. This crush does.

 

On one hand I would really like to spend time with this crush, but it's not about intimacy. I can honestly say that I don't desire to sleep with him, but just to spend time with him to talk, laugh and have fun because when I'm around him, he makes me feel like I'm interesting, captivating, attractive, desirable, funny and just a joy to be around. My husband doesn't make me feel this way anymore.

 

Is it a bad idea to try to formulate a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that you have a crush on?

[jmargel]

You need to set boundaries. I was once that young guy. She lived about 2 miles from me and was in a 18 year marriage. She was faithful to him, yet wasn't in love with him anymore. The marriage was more like a chore.

 

I was her friend, listened to her, talked to her, went out with her. She fell head over heels, fast. I told her from the start it was JUST friends. I couldn't get myself involved with someone who's married, and has two kids. We became closer and we did end up having sex. I didn't think much of it, but apparently she did. A few weeks later she came over to confess that she was in love with me.

 

It was a hard thing to tell her that I wasn't, and all she did was cry. Later in the weeks she got very upset at me and threatened to tell her husband.

 

So, don't you see something SO simple just as a friendship can lead into a soap opera?

 

If you have a crush on him I would probably stay away. Having male friends is one thing, but you would be tempting yourself too much. What does this guy want? I would possibliy guess just some sex. In my situation I was foolish and was curious about what it would be like. If I'd had known all the problems that came with that there would be no way that would've happened.

 

Take a step back and think. You've been voided of affection, romance, initimacy for a long time now. Like you said this guy makes you feel wanted. Sleeping with this guy or starting something with him is not going to solve the emptyiness inside you feel about your marriage.

 

A marriage needs to be able to run on certain principals and love. For a relationship to work and thrive you need to love and be IN love with your partner. You need to ask yourself those questions. Now is a turning point in your life on whether to end it with your husband or not.

[zarathustra]

Is it a bad idea to try to formulate a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that you have a crush on?

 

 

A "bad idea" for whom or what?

 

You? I don't believe so. You'll find it wonderful. Energizing. Rejuvenating.

 

Your husband? Possibly. Difficult to say one way or another. It's not as if he'd notice. You're invisible to him, now. This young man SEES you.

 

The institution of marriage? Possibly, it depends where this leads.

 

If someone makes you happy, go for it. People like that don't come around very often.

[meanon]

I can see why you are confused. You say you are smitten but that you don't want to sleep with him. All you want is fun, you are STARVED of fun

 

You say the attachment is not sexual, it could simply be that he is the only person you have had fun with for ages. The solution is simple: have more fun!!!!

 

In the past you have craved comfort and security. I wonder if there isn't a little bit of "the grass is greener on the other side" going on here. Is your husband a possessive man? Why is it that you feel you are unable to have fun, to laugh with other people?

 

If you are not in love with your husband then the marriage may well be over. If you are in love with him but want more from the relationship than he can give then it may be over. If neither of these apply please do explore the possibility of letting the wild child out and staying married. Having fun is not cheating, despite what many may have you believe.

[quankanne]

well said, margel.

 

midwest, you're looking for answers in places where there probably aren't any. Yes, the other guy looks appealing ... but that's because you're so unhappy with your situation within your marriage. Before you try to come up with answers outside your primary relationship (i.e., your marriage), go bug the hell out of your husband to see if you guys can't make y'alls relationship more mutually enjoyable.

 

I've said it once, I'll say it again and again and again: seriously consider a Marriage Encounter weekend or a tool like Marriage Builders. People can pooh-pooh the idea all they want, but you married this guy for a reason and you owe yourself one more try to rediscover why y'all got together. Sometimes that one last plea to do something is the one he hears loudest ...

 

Hottie Guys who make you feel "special" are a dime a dozen. if you decide that marriage to someone who isn't interested in working at keeping it alive just isn't worth it, there'll always be someone out there who can cheer you up the way you want to be cheered up.

[moimeme]

I'm with Quank.

 

In addition, you say:

 

he makes me feel like I'm interesting, captivating, attractive, desirable, funny and just a joy to be around. My husband doesn't make me feel this way anymore.

 

Nobody 'makes' you feel any way. You are in charge of your feelings.

 

I am one of those 'stern' posters who thinks that your husband would likely be devastated if he found out you had an affair - and THAT is the reason not to do so. Either divorce him or try to renew the marriage.

 

Have you spoken to your husband at all about this? Is it possible he thinks you're disconnected so he has disconnected? Have you tried suggesting counselling? A second honeymoon?

 

There's a good site: <URL removed> They have marriage renewal seminars but there is a lot of information on their website, too, about getting the oomph back into a marriage.

[moimeme]

Bark/Jester/whoever

 

Would you give the same advice to your wife? What would you do if she had an affair?

 

Just curious.

[midwestconfusion]

I wanted to thank those of you who took the time to reply and offer food for thought, advice and suggestions. I have been so starved for attention, fun and to become visible and have not "put myself out there" for so long, this is the first time in years that I've had this type of response from ANYone! I honestly think that if the person had been a woman, I would have actually felt the same feelings and I'm heterosexual! I believe the kiss was the result of my overwelming pleasure to be getting the attention that I was getting and since I used to be an overtly sexual person, a part of me that has been surpressed for so long, it just seemed like the natural thing to do, the most intimate of ways to express my gratitude and appreciation for the attention. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

I think I am going to continue to regard this person as an acquaintance and a platonic friend. Nothing good could come from acting on impulse and I'm intelligent enough to recognize that. Surely an affair could spark self confidence, self esteem, increased labido and increased energy but I'm sure I'm partially to blame for the changes in my husband.

 

I've always been the flirt with a wandering eye. Yes, I believe it goes both ways. I know that my husband doesn't give me the type of attention I would like (or deserve) and I also know that we come from two different worlds (he's from the country club, I'm from the trailer park). But we both found something in one another enough to wed and stay together for this long and I just don't think my life would be complete without him. I do love him and thanks to you guys, I'm going to push harder to get him to notice me and be the man I married again. We've got too much invested into our marriage for me to throw it away on a boy toy that would probably keep me around for a few months before moving on to the next wayward soul. Yes, this guy I've got a crush on is exactly the same type of guy that I dated for years...the "temporary", as long as you don't get "too close" or "too serious". My husband is grounded, consistent, sincere, genuine and dedicated. This crush is just another one of those guys I had fun with before I got married, but another one of those guys that lacked substance for the long haul.

 

I guess with age DOES come wisdom. I was smart enough to ask for some advice and obviously smart enough to take it to heart!

 

Thanks again!

[quankanne]

I'm glad you found something useful in all this advice we've offered -- and there's something a bit exciting about planning to seduce your husband, isn't there ... go get him, Tiger!

 

I'm sure I'm partially to blame for the changes in my husband

 

please please PLEASE don't start taking blame for his reactions. His being a stick in the mud when it comes to romance (and lots of spouses are guilty of this at any given time in a long-term marriage) is his decision, not a result of something you've done. Keeping a relationship alive takes both parties, not just one, so it's not really fair to blame one person for the action of another.

 

anyhow, back to our original conversation: go seduce the guy, and have fun doing it even if his response isn't initially what you hope for. Maybe he'll get the idea that all of this is just for him, and no one else (a good butt rub is a nice place to start).