When to Date Again - Will it be Obvious?

[D78]

Hey Folks,

 

I have a question for those of you who have survived heartbreak and gotten back into the dating world. Did you know when it was time to date again? Or, did you have to try it and find out whether it was (or wasn't) time to date again?

 

It became very clear to me tonight that it's not yet time for me to date. I'm just wondering if it's something you know before you accept a date, or something you don't know until you are actually on a date and realize it's not time.

 

And, if you had one of those 'oh jeez it's not yet time' dates with a person who was awesome, would you try again later when you think it's time, or write that one off as a lesson learned?

 

Thanks!

[dave560]

It's an interesting question – I personally don't know, it's been 2 months since I came out of a 6 year relationship and I can't tell the difference between genuine unease of dating or if this feeling is just a bit of anxiety because it's been so long. So I can't really help answer your question.

 

I am curious though how your date went and how you knew you weren't ready?

[is2008]

I'm the same as Dave, circa 2 months since I came out of a 6 year relationship.

 

They say allow yourself 1 month for every year you were in a relationship, so for me and Dave that's 6 months! I am starting to feel better for a number of reasons.

 

I've gotten closure and finality now. There is no going back. Secondly, I read an article about emotional attachment (something that I have with my ex) and the article explained that it's actually our own insecurities that need to be addressed. Our partners merely masked those insecurities by making us feel safe and secure. It's the security we crave.

 

Going a bit off topic here but I think once you're happy with yourself completely, you're ready to date.

[strangeways]

Been 6 months since the breakup and feeling pretty good and keeping busy. Had a brief fling a couple of months back and that was a mistake. Realised I wasn't ready. Made me think about the ex more.

 

TBH, the thought of getting involved with anyone fills me with dread! Think I'm just enjoying being single, doing my own thing and not having to take anyone else's feelings into consideration.

 

Not sure how it works but I don't feel ready just yet. Who knows though, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow and I'll feel different.

[D78]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses.

 

It's an interesting question – I personally don't know, it's been 2 months since I came out of a 6 year relationship and I can't tell the difference between genuine unease of dating or if this feeling is just a bit of anxiety because it's been so long. So I can't really help answer your question.

 

I am curious though how your date went and how you knew you weren't ready?

 

dave560 - I feel the same way. I'm 3.5ish months out of an 11ish year relationship. I find myself looking forward to all that crazy 'does he like me' junk that comes along with meeting someone new, but I'm wary of it all. I guess I'm not sure how much I can trust myself.

 

Oh yeah, and my date didn't go. He knew my "situation" and I showed up looking nervous. He gave me an easy out and I took it, because apparently I'm a total coward.

 

 

I'm the same as Dave, circa 2 months since I came out of a 6 year relationship.

 

They say allow yourself 1 month for every year you were in a relationship, so for me and Dave that's 6 months! I am starting to feel better for a number of reasons.

 

I've gotten closure and finality now. There is no going back. Secondly, I read an article about emotional attachment (something that I have with my ex) and the article explained that it's actually our own insecurities that need to be addressed. Our partners merely masked those insecurities by making us feel safe and secure. It's the security we crave.

 

Going a bit off topic here but I think once you're happy with yourself completely, you're ready to date.

 

is2008 - I've have taken this growing and learning about myself to an extreme. I was lucky because I knew there was no going back, and I got closure at the perfect time (the one awesome thing my ex did during this whole thing). I don't feel any emotional attachment toward my ex.

 

It will probably be several months until I'm completely happy with myself, but that has to do with things outside the breakup. Sigh. I thought my excitement toward something new might be a sign of me being recovered. Oh well.

 

It'll be at least 11.5 months until I commit to something serious, that's for sure. I guess that gives me plenty of time to perfect a "handle me with care, please" speech.

 

 

Been 6 months since the breakup and feeling pretty good and keeping busy. Had a brief fling a couple of months back and that was a mistake. Realised I wasn't ready. Made me think about the ex more.

 

TBH, the thought of getting involved with anyone fills me with dread! Think I'm just enjoying being single, doing my own thing and not having to take anyone else's feelings into consideration.

 

Not sure how it works but I don't feel ready just yet. Who knows though, maybe I'll meet someone tomorrow and I'll feel different.

 

strangeways - I hear you about enjoying the single life. I realized a while ago that I've only been single, maybe, 6-7 months since I was 15 (and I'm 32!). The idea of dating did fill me with dread, but then that feeling passed. Now I feel like I would like to casually date, but I guess I was wrong because I took the easy out. Stupid feelings!

 

I'm afraid of getting close to someone and thinking about my ex. The idea makes me feel a bit sick.

 

If I find the answer, I will certainly share it. It's probably one of those questions, though... Question: "What is obscenity?" Answer: "I know it when I see it."

[screwball]

I think you'll know during or after the date whether you're ready

 

I went out a few months after the split, but my motives were mostly just to make me feel better. The date was awful and set back my healing somewhat.

 

I then started dating closer to 6-7 months after the split and while the dates were better, I just couldn't really get excited about it. The fantastic first date (and second and third ...) set my expectations too high. I got burned out from dating and took some time off.

 

I recently took up dating again, now a bit over a year after the split. The dates have been better and I felt a real connection with a couple of them. I felt like the relationship could go somewhere. Unfortunately, I'm super clingy right now (never used to be) and after thinking about it a couple weeks ago, I may still not be ready to date. I'm at the stage of being able to accept dates for who they are instead of comparing to my ex, but I don't feel like my single life is complete. I feel like there is still a hole and I am trying to fill that hole with a relationship. It makes sense to me - I have an idea of the course I want to take with my life now that I have the opportunity to pursue it, but I haven't started along that path. I feel like I need to be well on my way before I'll be ready to have a healthy relationship again.

[GreenPolicy]

I look at it as drawing a bath - you stick your fingers in periodically to see if things have warmed up enough. I started going on dates three months after my split and I realized I wasn't ready enough. I don't know if it was because I didn't feel a particularly strong connection with anybody I went out with, or if I was incapable of making a connection considering where my head was at. I compared them all to my ex and if they were really different, off they went into the reject pile, fair or not. I realize now that my ex is a unique individual and I will not find her in another person. Hopefully I can find her good qualities in another person, but I realize now I won't find her.

 

Another thing I realized so soon after the split is that I might be making out with a girl and internally I was very frustrated at having to stop at first base, even though that's completely appropriate for somebody you're only on a first or second date with. But from what I understand, while I might enjoy sex right now, afterwards I would probably feel empty since I wouldn't have strong feelings for that person.

 

It's a hard thing to gauge. I don't want to be sitting around on the sidelines FOREVER. Then I'm letting this breakup control my life. I guess what I've accepted is that it takes a full year for the cycle of grief to complete. In that year, don't expect the quality of your dates to be great, because you're not bringing your best self to the table. You have some baggage that you haven't shed yet. I know enough not to discuss my ex, but I found myself bringing up the breakup in a very oblique, peripheral and roundabout way. I also frequently found myself delving into self help speak. It makes sense, given where my head is at. One thing that is heartening is that every woman I went on a date with wanted to see me again for a second time, and two women I ended up getting to a third date with. And this is when I am still pretty emotionally f*cked up and not 100 percent.

 

I think as time goes on, my patience with the dating scene will grow, the baggage I bring with me on dates will be less, and therefore my ability to forge a connection with somebody will improve, like the guy above said. I am going to be very forgiving and patient with myself when it comes to whatever happens the first year after my breakup.

Edited March 2, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[Graceful]

Nothing about dating has (or ever will) change. The only thing that's different is the analysis and the most recent experience(s) you bring with you when you are dating. The constant analysis of why you feel the way you do, (about dating or trying to date)

juxtaposed against the breakup, is the driving factor. But the truth is that you didn't then, and you won't now, like every person you date. You won't feel a connection with every person you date. You won't be attracted to every person you date. And the converse is also true for the person you date, and that's why you should not take it personally when someone isn't into you.

 

Dating is no different from learning a new skill, trying, failing, trying again, getting better, succeeding, failing again, back and forth, and forth and back. When are you ready to go down the "adult" mountain when you learn to ski? When are you ready to drive a car in traffic when you are first learning to drive? When are you ready to take the training wheels off the bike? You don't know. No one knows. You try when your mind is open. So you fall? What's the harm in that? You pick yourself up and try again. Chances are, though, once you take off the training wheels, you're going to be damned if you put them back on that bike, even if you continue to fall, you're going to work a lot harder at maintaining balance until you succeed.

 

Your mind is the only thing holding you back. That's what holds us all back, if your mind is closed, I don't care if you broke up 5 minutes ago, 5 months ago, or 15 months ago. If you're ready to start a new chapter in your life, then you don't mind the ups and downs, you accept them as part of the life process. To me, just "not minding" means you are ready to date -- or do anything, for that matter.

 

I mean seriously. What's the big deal in sitting and chatting over a cup of tea for an hour? What's the big deal in having dinner with someone, even if they don't strike your fancy? You're growing. What's the harm (or big deal) in that?

Edited March 2, 2011 by Graceful

[GreenPolicy]

Nothing about dating has (or ever will) change. The only thing that's different is the analysis and the most recent experience(s) you bring with you when you are dating. The constant analysis of why you feel the way you do, (about dating or trying to date)

juxtaposed against the breakup, is the driving factor. But the truth is that you didn't then, and you won't now, like every person you date. You won't feel a connection with every person you date. You won't be attracted to every person you date. And the converse is also true for the person you date, and that's why you should not take it personally when someone isn't into you.

 

Dating is no different from learning a new skill, trying, failing, trying again, getting better, succeeding, failing again, back and forth, and forth and back. When are you ready to go down the "adult" mountain when you learn to ski? When are you ready to drive a car in traffic when you are first learning to drive? When are you ready to take the training wheels off the bike? You don't know. No one knows.

 

Your mind is the only thing holding you back. That's what holds us all back, if your mind is closed, I don't care if you broke up 5 minutes ago, 5 months ago, or 15 months ago. If you're ready to start a new chapter in your life, then you don't mind the ups and downs, you accept them as part of the life process. To me, just "not minding" means you are ready to date -- or do anything, for that matter.

 

I mean seriously. What's the big deal in sitting and chatting over a cup of tea for an hour? What's the big deal in having dinner with someone, even if they don't strike your fancy? You're growing. What's the harm (or big deal) in that?

 

I think it's the expectations that a recent dumpee generally brings to dating. Maybe some people can be in the moment and accept things for what they are, but I think some dumpees miss being in a relationship and desperately want to replace their dumper. So they bring baggage and expectations along with them, when the reality is as you said, the vast majority of people you go on dates with you won't develop the chemistry and you won't end up in a relationship with them.

[Graceful]

I think it's the expectations that a recent dumpee generally brings to dating. Maybe some people can be in the moment and accept things for what they are, but I think some dumpees miss being in a relationship and desperately want to replace their dumper. So they bring baggage and expectations along with them, when the reality is as you said, the vast majority of people you go on dates with you won't develop the chemistry and you won't end up in a relationship with them.

If you're that conscious that you're dating to find a "replacement", then you're not ready to date. But I am not talking about that at all. I am talking about the idea of having an open mind in general. Your mind holds you back. It holds you back from being able to accomplish physical as well as emotional activities. Having an open mind and being accepting of the roller coaster as part of the way you will feel is the hump to get over. If your mind is open, and you can have a more light-hearted approach to meeting people, you find that meeting new people is actually a very enjoyable part of life. Not something to dread.

[GreenPolicy]

If you're that conscious that you're dating to find a "replacement", then you're not ready to date.

 

I do want what I had with my ex in my life again, but with somebody else. How else does that get accomplished other than putting yourself out there, meeting people and asking them out on dates? Isn't the purpose of dating the search for a mate? Women are not going to come to my apartment and knock on my door. Being a hermit is not going to accomplish anything for me, dating or otherwise.

 

I see your point about just relaxing and having a good time and not putting any pressure or expectations on things, just go with the flow. But underneath all of that, isn't the purpose of dating to find a mate?

[Graceful]

I do want what I had with my ex in my life again, but with somebody else. How else does that get accomplished other than putting yourself out there, meeting people and asking them out on dates? Isn't the purpose of dating the search for a mate? Women are not going to come to my apartment and knock on my door. Being a hermit is not going to accomplish anything for me, dating or otherwise.

 

I see your point about just relaxing and having a good time and not putting any pressure or expectations on things, just go with the flow. But underneath all of that, isn't the purpose of dating to find a mate?

 

This isn't what the OP addressed, IMHO. She asked about readiness to date, that's all I was addressing. So if you want to ask about the purpose of dating, that is not what I was addressing. Sorry for any confusion.

[D78]

Thanks for more great answers. I feel like I could read as many tips and stories as everyone can offer on this subject.

 

I think you'll know during or after the date whether you're ready

 

I went out a few months after the split, but my motives were mostly just to make me feel better. The date was awful and set back my healing somewhat.

 

I then started dating closer to 6-7 months after the split and while the dates were better, I just couldn't really get excited about it. The fantastic first date (and second and third ...) set my expectations too high. I got burned out from dating and took some time off.

 

I recently took up dating again, now a bit over a year after the split. The dates have been better and I felt a real connection with a couple of them. I felt like the relationship could go somewhere. Unfortunately, I'm super clingy right now (never used to be) and after thinking about it a couple weeks ago, I may still not be ready to date. I'm at the stage of being able to accept dates for who they are instead of comparing to my ex, but I don't feel like my single life is complete. I feel like there is still a hole and I am trying to fill that hole with a relationship. It makes sense to me - I have an idea of the course I want to take with my life now that I have the opportunity to pursue it, but I haven't started along that path. I feel like I need to be well on my way before I'll be ready to have a healthy relationship again.

 

screwball - When I decide to date again, I guess I'll just go for it and see what happens on the date. I wish there was a big sign that would light up, like an APPLAUSE sign...

 

Fortunately, I'm completely numb to making a fool out of myself. I don't think dating will make me feel better... I'm just going stir crazy. I mean not in a 'need sex' way, in a 'bored sitting around my house' way. And I guess I was also motivated by the fact that this guy asked me.

 

I'm glad to hear that you have had some connections and some great first dates. I bet at one point you thought that was impossible. Do you think you'll contact those dates when you reach that certain point?

 

 

I look at it as drawing a bath - you stick your fingers in periodically to see if things have warmed up enough. I started going on dates three months after my split and I realized I wasn't ready enough. I don't know if it was because I didn't feel a particularly strong connection with anybody I went out with, or if I was incapable of making a connection considering where my head was at. I compared them all to my ex and if they were really different, off they went into the reject pile, fair or not. I realize now that my ex is a unique individual and I will not find her in another person. Hopefully I can find her good qualities in another person, but I realize now I won't find her.

 

Another thing I realized so soon after the split is that I might be making out with a girl and internally I was very frustrated at having to stop at first base, even though that's completely appropriate for somebody you're only on a first or second date with. But from what I understand, while I might enjoy sex right now, afterwards I would probably feel empty since I wouldn't have strong feelings for that person.

 

It's a hard thing to gauge. I don't want to be sitting around on the sidelines FOREVER. Then I'm letting this breakup control my life. I guess what I've accepted is that it takes a full year for the cycle of grief to complete. In that year, don't expect the quality of your dates to be great, because you're not bringing your best self to the table. You have some baggage that you haven't shed yet. I know enough not to discuss my ex, but I found myself bringing up the breakup in a very oblique, peripheral and roundabout way. I also frequently found myself delving into self help speak. It makes sense, given where my head is at. One thing that is heartening is that every woman I went on a date with wanted to see me again for a second time, and two women I ended up getting to a third date with. And this is when I am still pretty emotionally f*cked up and not 100 percent.

 

I think as time goes on, my patience with the dating scene will grow, the baggage I bring with me on dates will be less, and therefore my ability to forge a connection with somebody will improve, like the guy above said. I am going to be very forgiving and patient with myself when it comes to whatever happens the first year after my breakup.

 

GreenPolicy - I like the bath analogy. I'll think of attempt #1 as my drawing a bath, realizing I'm an aquaphobe, and running like h*ll.

 

After my failed attempt #1, I wasn't sure how to approach it from now on. I think I'll follow your suggestion - keep checking in every once in a while. I'm gonna have to meet a ton of new guys! Darn! It beats waiting around for the sign to light up, right?

 

I think I will practice with my friends talking about my past without mentioning the ex. I know not to mention the ex on a first (second, third, any...) date, but I hadn't considered the mechanics of that until you mentioned it.

 

Ugh. I can see myself diving into the self-help talk, too, as an inappropriate response to a complaint about a lost drivers' license or something.

 

 

Nothing about dating has (or ever will) change. The only thing that's different is the analysis and the most recent experience(s) you bring with you when you are dating. The constant analysis of why you feel the way you do, (about dating or trying to date)

juxtaposed against the breakup, is the driving factor. But the truth is that you didn't then, and you won't now, like every person you date. You won't feel a connection with every person you date. You won't be attracted to every person you date. And the converse is also true for the person you date, and that's why you should not take it personally when someone isn't into you.

 

Dating is no different from learning a new skill, trying, failing, trying again, getting better, succeeding, failing again, back and forth, and forth and back. When are you ready to go down the "adult" mountain when you learn to ski? When are you ready to drive a car in traffic when you are first learning to drive? When are you ready to take the training wheels off the bike? You don't know. No one knows. You try when your mind is open. So you fall? What's the harm in that? You pick yourself up and try again. Chances are, though, once you take off the training wheels, you're going to be damned if you put them back on that bike, even if you continue to fall, you're going to work a lot harder at maintaining balance until you succeed.

 

Your mind is the only thing holding you back. That's what holds us all back, if your mind is closed, I don't care if you broke up 5 minutes ago, 5 months ago, or 15 months ago. If you're ready to start a new chapter in your life, then you don't mind the ups and downs, you accept them as part of the life process. To me, just "not minding" means you are ready to date -- or do anything, for that matter.

 

I mean seriously. What's the big deal in sitting and chatting over a cup of tea for an hour? What's the big deal in having dinner with someone, even if they don't strike your fancy? You're growing. What's the harm (or big deal) in that?

 

Graceful - I like your skiing, driving, cycling analogy. The thing is, I've never actually been on a date with a stranger.

 

My ex and I went to summer school in 7th grade together, and went to the same school all the way through high school... Trace everyone I've dated back to my first 1-week boyfriend in 6th grade, and I've always either attended the same school or worked with anyone I've dated. So I knew all of them fairly well before we dated.

 

I'm looking forward to getting to someone while dating, and taking it slow (sssllllloooooowww). It will be different.

 

I can't tell if I'm skitzy about dating a stranger or about dating in general.

 

I guess as long as I'm taking it slow (i.e. no or little physical intimacy), it is like going out for coffee. So what's the big deal? I must repeat this to myself!

 

But when you do this with a stranger, do you approach the whole thing with him pegged as a date or potential boyfriend, or think of him as just a friend with the door open to the future? Ugh I guess I'm pretty clueless. And I guess I should ask all this in the dating forum, huh? My bad.

 

I see adventures in my future. Thanks everyone!

 

(P.S. I'm off to get my new office, hopefully! Fingers crossed. Yay!)

[Rose T]

Chances are, though, once you take off the training wheels, you're going to be damned if you put them back on that bike, even if you continue to fall, you're going to work a lot harder at maintaining balance until you succeed.

 

I love this and it's so true! I remember after my last big break-up, going on a couple of dates with guys I'd met through internet dating, and trying to keep my chin up during the dates but basically lamenting the lack of chemistry. With the first, I felt a bit fragile the day after. With the second, I wasn't interested either but had a bit of a giggle the next day with my friends. Then I went for a couple of dates with a guy I'd met at a football match. Incompatible, but I was starting to enjoy the dating process. The fourth guy I met I ended up going out with for five years... with that one, I literally saw him across a dancefloor, went up, introduced myself and kissed him. I didn't give a damn and that was a sign that I was ready for a relationship and also made me more attractive, I guess...

 

The thing is, I've never actually been on a date with a stranger.

 

We should swap notes - I've hardly ever been out with people I really know before! i think my challenge should be dating someone I get to know pretty well and yours should be to grabbing a coffee with someone you meet fleetingly... are you up for it?

 

Overall, I think that some excellent points have been made in this thread. It's three months since my break-up, I'm definitely curious about dating again but winter is still curtailing my social life (rubbish excuse, huh?!) I'm still having bad days but I feel that March or April might be a good place for me to start. Spring has always put a glint in my eye.

[Anxiety]

It's been 3 months since my 1yr relationship ended and I know I'm not ready. I am curious, so I look at women on dating sites but thats as far as I can go right now. I'm still messed up...I'm still holding on to a fantasy that one day my exgf will call me and want me back.

[D78]

We should swap notes - I've hardly ever been out with people I really know before! i think my challenge should be dating someone I get to know pretty well and yours should be to grabbing a coffee with someone you meet fleetingly... are you up for it?

 

RoseT - I'm up for it. I'll work on meeting someone fleetingly. Any tips are greatly appreciated. But, you don't need my notes. Just basically do what you did on the dance floor to one of your friends, and hope for the best.

 

 

Overall, I think that some excellent points have been made in this thread. It's three months since my break-up, I'm definitely curious about dating again but winter is still curtailing my social life (rubbish excuse, huh?!) I'm still having bad days but I feel that March or April might be a good place for me to start. Spring has always put a glint in my eye.

 

Maybe it's Spring that is making me hopeful. Today was beautiful. Daffodils and some other bulbs I planted after the break up are blooming. I got my new office, finally, and new clients just magically appeared. My best friend from high school is having a baby, as I type (and updating everyone on FB). I really needed a day like today.

 

I agree about the excellent points - thanks everyone!

 

 

It's been 3 months since my 1yr relationship ended and I know I'm not ready. I am curious, so I look at women on dating sites but thats as far as I can go right now. I'm still messed up...I'm still holding on to a fantasy that one day my exgf will call me and want me back.

 

Anxiety - I'm sorry you're still fantasizing about your ex returning. This too shall pass, right? It's great that you know you're not ready to date. It sounds like you're being patient with yourself, which is great. I wish I had your clarity. Good luck!

[iamenough]

Some days I think I'm ready, other days I know I'm not. I did go on a date with an AMAZING, amazzzzing guy about 4 months after my breakup. I really liked him but I probably shouldn't have accepted, because I clearly wasn't (still not) over my previous relationship. That said, I am still SO glad I went. It didn't work out, BUT it was a really nice reminder that kick ass amazing guys DO exist... and once in a blue moon, they WILL ask for a date. Turned out he was just what I needed right when I needed it.... so... why not give it a whirl? Doesn't have to go past one date if you don't want.

[D78]

Some days I think I'm ready, other days I know I'm not. I did go on a date with an AMAZING, amazzzzing guy about 4 months after my breakup. I really liked him but I probably shouldn't have accepted, because I clearly wasn't (still not) over my previous relationship. That said, I am still SO glad I went. It didn't work out, BUT it was a really nice reminder that kick ass amazing guys DO exist... and once in a blue moon, they WILL ask for a date. Turned out he was just what I needed right when I needed it.... so... why not give it a whirl? Doesn't have to go past one date if you don't want.

 

iamenough - Thanks for your story. It gives me hope. I think I'll wait a couple of weeks and give it a whirl if I feel like it. Or, maybe even if I don't. I'm even more determined to not chicken out, because that's just unacceptable

 

Overall, I've learned: I probably won't know until I'm on a date whether I should be on that date. Either during the date or after, I'll know. It might make me think about my ex. I might compare my date to my ex. It has the potential to set me back in recovery (or show me that I'm not as recovered as I thought). Maybe if I keep these things in my mind, I can go on a date and it really will be like dating as usual. Or, maybe not, but that won't be the end of the world. I should probably write a 'warning' speech so my strange behavior won't make anyone feel bad.

[screwball]

I'm glad to hear that you have had some connections and some great first dates. I bet at one point you thought that was impossible. Do you think you'll contact those dates when you reach that certain point?

 

I doubt it - all of the people I went out with I didn't know well before dating, so they don't know the situation that I went through with my ex. I think for dating to be enjoyable and to work out, a certain momentum is necessary - both in terms of emotional and physical closeness as well as an increase in the frequency of seeing each other. I'm chalking it up as two lessons learned:

1. I lost myself in my last relationship and I'm resolved to work out those issues before getting into another one.

2. There are a TON of amazing people out there if you open up yourself to experiencing the present and stop carrying around a set of expectations. This goes for people, food, experiences, everything. Why do I have to compare today's chicken sandwich with the one I had last week? If today's is better, then that diminishes the memory of the sandwich I had last week. If last week was better, then I become preoccupied thinking about how this week's sandwich isn't as good and I take away from the goodness of what I am currently experiencing. If I just let life's experiences flow through me, then I can cherish the memory of last week's sandwich while still appreciating the goodness of the current sandwich

[D78]

I doubt it - all of the people I went out with I didn't know well before dating, so they don't know the situation that I went through with my ex. I think for dating to be enjoyable and to work out, a certain momentum is necessary - both in terms of emotional and physical closeness as well as an increase in the frequency of seeing each other. I'm chalking it up as two lessons learned:

1. I lost myself in my last relationship and I'm resolved to work out those issues before getting into another one.

2. There are a TON of amazing people out there if you open up yourself to experiencing the present and stop carrying around a set of expectations. This goes for people, food, experiences, everything. Why do I have to compare today's chicken sandwich with the one I had last week? If today's is better, then that diminishes the memory of the sandwich I had last week. If last week was better, then I become preoccupied thinking about how this week's sandwich isn't as good and I take away from the goodness of what I am currently experiencing. If I just let life's experiences flow through me, then I can cherish the memory of last week's sandwich while still appreciating the goodness of the current sandwich

 

It sounds like it was worth it. You learned a lot!

 

I'm going to think about my expectations now...

[hopeful4someday]

I'm a week or two out of a 4 1/2 year relationship, though as others have helpfully pointed out , evidently my relationship didn't count so maybe I shouldn't be on a normal timeline.

 

I was planning to just jump in the pool again starting with a guy I had been jonesing for before his divorce and my breakup, but I realized last week that he was going to just let me down so I pre-emptively stopped things with him. I suspect he is perplexed, but I'm refusing to entertain any behaviors that don't indicate intent to commit. Today, I was supposed to go to my first social mixer, and I bailed, telling myself I had to do some homework. Guess how much homework I've done? That's right, none.

 

I went from feeling empowered and ready to get out there to feeling angry and vindictive and hateful and utterly incapable of being emotionally ready to find or support a partner. I feel like if I were out right now, I would either cry about my old relationship or take out all of my insecurities and anger on some new unsuspecting fellow. I don't think either is ok, so I'm sitting it out.

 

I don't know if I'd stick to a timeline for myself. I feel like I'll know when I'm ready when I don't chew out poor tech support guys when I call them for work, and when I don't get derailed in my thoughts and plans because something catches me that makes me feel pathetic. In short, I'll know I'm ready when I actually feel excited about going out there and spending time with someone. Who knows how long it will take, and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later (for my friends' sake, haha). Sigh. I know a lot of people who've replaced one LTR with another in literally 1 week or less. I just can't do that.