Help!!Porn, Masterbation Just upset!!

[Upset]

I have been with my husband for 14 years now. We have 2 children. I have a huge problem with my husband viewing porn / videos on the internet. At first it was just a game. He would hide it I would find it. We had a huge fight for 2 days. He told me that it was keeping him from cheating. Because i wasnt wanting do have sex at all. I have a medical problem with my Thyroid. Had lost all sex drive. But i am taking meds daily now and since not had a problem with my sex drive.

 

My husband works shift work and times he would stay up the night before and tell me he wanted to get in the grove of sleeping in the day. Ok whatever, never thought about it anymore. Well one night at 4am in the morn i got up to see what he was doing. He was in computer room with the door locked. So i went outside looked through the window and i was shocked to see him masterbating with a porn video. I instantly got pissed and confronted him. He gave me this story of how i never want to have sex and i would push him away.(before taking thyroid meds). Never thought of it anymore sex resumed.

 

Two yrs later we got seperate computers. He was back to his old tricks of watching pron and masterbating. Sometimes i will go 2wks without sex. Because he doesnt want to do it. We had a big fight. I think i had a break down. I was yelling a swinging my arms. Told him to leave, and to leave me alone. We talked through what we wanted in our sex life and what fantacies he liked. Trying to rekindle what we had lost in the previous yrs. My Husband and i are very open. We talk about everything.

 

Well I had had enough and thought about spyware. So i found one and put it in the computer. Wow was i suprised at how often he was looking. He had also told me at one time not to send him dirty pics before work, because it was good to get all worked up before work. During one of our spats about porn. He told me he took everything off his computer. Said he didnt like me being upset and thought it wasnt worth the trouble of looking a porn.

 

We had gotten a labtop and i thought the was a reason for it. Yesterday I had noticed him looking a porn on the labtop and did a search on the harddrive. Didnt find a thing. Well he had copied all his dirty movies to a disk and had hidden it. So when he got up for work this am. I got up too. But he didnt know it. I snuck outside and peered through the window. Nothing, He was being good on his regular computer. Then i seen him go for the laptop and his hidden disk. Headed to the bathroom and masterbated to porn. I was upset again. It had been a wk since we had sex. Came back in and confronted him again.

 

I dont understand how he can say he loves me and then does this. Im sorry but my definition of love is way diffrent then his. He dont tell me he loves me except on the phone. He doesnt kiss me. I am overweight due to the thyroid issues, and am very insecure about that.

 

After each confrontation, a huge arguement ensued. He would get very mad and not talk to me. Then he would tell me he was sorry. Then a month later he would find a diffrent route to hid his porn, until i would stumble upon it again.

 

I dont know what to do? Ive tried everything. Seperation keeps coming into my mind. I want the passion, love and romance. I do not like Valentines Day because it represents love and romance. My husband does nothing on this day. He uses the excuse once he bought me a dozen roses 13yrs ago and they died very quickly. So now he does nothing. I keep telling him even if its just to say I Love You or an email of Romance or something. He doesnt do it.

 

Is this normal for a marriage. Im going crazy. I have to spy on him all the time. Am i worrying over nothing.

 

Thanks for listening to me!

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

upset

[MalibuAshlee]

Dear Upset,

I cannot give you advice from a married position but I can give you advice from a women's position. It's easy for men to say, "Well, all men do it, it's natural." And while I believe masturbation is a healthy part of sexuality, your husband seems to have an addiction with it. Anything that is so upsetting to you that it is having an affect on your marriage is not ok. He is looking at it from a basic male need fullfilled by fantasies (and that's what they are- they are not reality) but it is hurting your reality. This may seem like an extreme request- excuse me if I offend you- but maybe you could have him take naked, or suggestive pictures of yourself as an alternative to the porn. This way not only is he getting his sexual energy out, but it will also boost your confidence that he is still excited by you sexually. Though I think your husband should care more about your feelings, maybe you should ask him what would help stop the sneaking around. Maybe a trip away without the kids?? Good Luck!

[jmargel]

Your problem has nothing to do with masterbation or porn. That is a side effect due to the lack of communication, respect and love you are giving one another. Making him stop this is not going to solve the main problem here.

[Upset]

Hello,

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

My husband are very close. I have dated and been married to him for 19yrs. We communicate well. I dont have a problem of him looking at porn. I have told him that. I have a problem of how he uses it. When it interfers with me and my sexlife he will know about it. I respect him fully!! He however does not respect me.( He knows how degrating it is to me!) But yet if its sitting around the house he will use it.

 

Last night we had a long talk about this. He said he works 12hr days and he didnt think i wanted to be awaken at 4am. I told him not to underesimate me I have a wonderful built in alarm Clock. I know when he gets up and i usually lay there while hes home.

 

So all porn on computer and on disk was removed. Not by me by him. He said he loves me to much for this to interfere with our relationship. He gave me the disks to destroy or do with as i want. But lets see how long this lasts.

 

I did take nude pics of me and i also mad 2 home videos on the pc for him to view. He had them in the same folder as the other porn but when it came down to what he wanted to look at he chose the other porn. Now to me that means hes not happy with what is at home. But his excuse is with family staying occasionally he didnt want them to find.

 

jmargel~ What do you mean by lack of communication? Now respectful i understand. He is being disrespectful to me. I have never disrespected him! LOVE I express my love all the time. I do not however intiate sex. I have a couple times but my husband had turned me down. In all the 19yrs i have known him i have never intiated sex. So if Porn and Masterbation is not the problem then what is. Am i suppose to just sit aside and watch him lust after another woman! Am i suppose to go months and months without sex just so he can watch porn and masterbate to make himself happy! I think NOT!! We are married. This doesnot make me happy! If he loves me he will honor my wishes. If there is something he doesnt like me to do then i dont do it. He gets real mad when i flirt with other guys. Sorry but i see no diffrence in that and lusting after other ladies. So there fore i dont do it!! RESPECT!!

 

Thanks for the time!

Bonnie

[zarathustra]

On one side are the mostly, but not exclusively, unmarried male posters who view porn/masturbation as symptoms, not causes, of troubled marriages.These are the Apologists (for spousal porn/masturbation). To the Apologists, porn isn't toxic, the underlying marriage is.

 

On the other side are the mostly , but not exclusively, married female complainants who view their husbands' porn/masturbation habits as the fundamental cause of deteriorating marriages. These are the Victims (of spousal porn/masturbation). To the Victims, their marriage is not the problem, porn/masturbation is.

 

The Apologists , in a single minded defense of porn, tend to minimize the grief caused in a marriage when one spouse, on a regular basis, chooses porn/masturbation over his wife. The wife's desparate competition with porn is often viewed by the Apologists as a power grab , not a cry for love and attention.

 

I believe that a spouse, even in a rock solid marriage, can develop porn/masturbation habits, which the Victim spouse reasonably views as degrading, insulting and hurtful. And I believe that when she expresses these hurtful feelings to us that we be careful not to argumentatively deny her the validity and reality of these feelings. Because by doing so in a hurtful, argumentative manner, are we not making her a victim twice? Are we not displaying the same lack of respect that haunts her marriage?

 

Shouldn't we lighten up on these women?

 

Note: I'm referring to Threads other than this one. We know which ones.

[dixiepix]

Sorry for your situation, been there. It is very heartbreaking and insulting. I don't think men really understand how it truly affects women and their relationship with the real women in their lives. Check out my thread and posts, posted just a few days ago. Be patient,this may get lengthy. I believe I posted the thread on Thursday night. Well through the weekend, he "caught" me checking Loveshack and inquired as to what it was. I explained to him how the forum worked. Not even knowing I had posted a thread, he got irate. Told me that Loveshack was only going to cause problems. Blah, blah, blah. I told him he had hidden "private" stuff on his computer to leave what I do on mine alone.

 

After reading advice posts, I decided to confront him on some of the issues surrounding our problems, leaving out the porn thing unless he started (like the above statement). Well he caught me checking loveshack again Sunday night, at which time another quick spat ensued...due to the fact, I intentionally clicked off it when he approached... to show him what it's like to have things hidden.

 

Well, today, I opted not to go to work. My 12 year old had an induction to Jr. Beta club at school and I did not want to miss that. He forgot that I had planned that and decided to come home to have lunch with me when he could not reach me or work. Well, he decided to pull up the history on my computer which went straight to Loveshack...He already knew my "codename". He pulled up the thread and its posts. He never said he did, but he was almost in tears, apologizing for everything and promising he would work on the issues. Now we had already discussed the issues a few days ago, but once he read the advice I was getting, he did indeed realize the seriousness. He did promise me that he would work on the issues. That he could make a million excuses for his lack of attentiveness, but that would not help, and that kids and I were the most important thing in the world to him, not to do anything drastic...to at least give him the chance. This happened only about an hour ago.

 

My suggestion is...if he is not husband enough and man enough to put down the porn and take care of his wife's physical and emotional needs, then you need to move on...for your sanity as well as your dignity. The longer he continues this behavior, the more of a habit it will become. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Life is too short. If you need to separate and see if he realizes how serious these issues are.

[zarathustra]

My suggestion is...if he is not husband enough and man enough to put down the porn and take care of his wife's physical and emotional needs, then you need to move on...for your sanity as well as your dignity.

 

 

And a great suggestion it is, too, dixiepix.

[Upset]

Thanks for the responses.

 

zarathustra~ Yes i kinda thought there was a war on porn. I have read a few threads where me would come on and say its not porn itself there is other problems in the marraige. It just makes me mad to have a single guy tell me how normal it is for men. When a man makes the commitment of marraige, he is promising me love, happiness, forever.

 

dixiepix~ I may have read your post. I will go check it out. Thanks for the advice. I have left for a wk to stay with my mom over spring break with the kids. He was mad! He said he missed us, the house was to quite, He wanted me to call everynight. I had a hard time getting off the phone. When i returned home i felt like I was in love again. He cuddled, Loved me. Because he needed me. He admitted last night that it wasnt worth the pain he was putting me through. Said he loved me to much to let porn interfere. But he always manages to do it again. He also said he is a slow learner and it has taken several times but he thinks he got it this time. He blames his behavior on me. Says i push him away(when he grops or fondles). I would have to agree i use too. But i dont anymore. He also gets upset and frusteraded when he cant make me Oragasm when we do have sex. I tolo him last night it takes longer for a woman to get stimulted. You cant just jump into bed and expect a woman to orgasm as quickly as a man.

 

I also sent him links last night on several threads here on LS. He read them, and i watched to make sure he read them. He use to tell me that it was normal for a man to view porn, and i know men are visiually stimulated. Thats not my hang up. It is the masterbation part. I feel that i am here for that if thats what he wants. I guess i was under the understanding that marriage was a union. Sharing, Communication, loving each other, affection, ect. How can porn be affectionate. I also really hate when men view porn, get all worked up and then expect a woman to be all happy about it and make the ultimate love. When my husband gets aroused i want it to be about me. I want to be the center of his attention. I want him to lust after me.

 

I came to LS for support and advice. Not to be told how normal it is for a man to look a porn. I know masterbation is healthy. I suppose if i got it more that once a wk or 2wks. I probably wouldnt care if he masterbates in between having sex with me. If hes gotta have it every day. Then he can do it when im fully satisfied. If he has sex with me every other day and then masterbates in between. Ok watever.

 

Well im rambling.

 

Have a Nice Day!

upset

[sumdude]

I only have one thing to offer. You simply cannot expect your spouse to not masterbate, porn or not. That is an unfair and I think unhealthy expectation. Marriage is a union, of individuals. At some level we're still people who need some bit of privacy, even from our spouses.

[sumdude]

Never mind what I said. It's true but I didn't read up on the thread so it doesn't apply.

 

My bad

[zarathustra]

You'd be absolutely right if this involved occasional masturbation. Telling a guy he may not masturbate is like telling a fish he may not swim.

 

I'd defend to the death our inalienable right to masturbate.

 

Unfortunately, as you see, more, much more, is involved here.

[Orange County]

I am not trying to be mean, but how about stating the obvious: He may not be sexually attracted to you anymore. You mentioned that you had gained weight due to the thyroid problem. Maybe your weight gain has played a role here. He uses porn as an outlet in lieu of adultery.

 

This does not make him a bad person. He probably loves you very much, but just lost the physical attraction he once had with you.

[Bubbles]

Example: If there was no porn available on the internet....most men would not know how to use a computer!

 

I started this thread 2 weeks ago and got bashed all the way around! I have not posted since.

Upset, my advice for you is this......THROW OUT THE COMPUTER! or DIS-CONNECT THE INTERNET.

 

Bubbles

[Upset]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Orange County~ I had addressed this to him. But he doesnt tell me a thing. I dont know if he is afraid of hurting me, but i think that this is hurting me worse. He told me during one of our arguemts that he hoped i was mature enough to understand that being over weight had no part in what he does. He is a bit overweight himself. Plus he has told me time and time again that he will never cheat on me. I have given him plenty of oppertunities. I even went as far as using a fake email and name to do some internet chatting with a diffrent lady. Even downloaded some pics to email him. He was very distraut and very upset that a woman would want to have an internet affair. I even said i had a boyfriend what they didnt know wouldnt hurt anyone. (this fake woman) A couple days later he asked me to read these messages. I finally told him it was me that i was testing him. He didnt get mad he just couldnt figure out why i needed to test him. He had an oppurtunity to act with another person. Orally online. He just wouldnt fall for it.

 

People change in appearances. I expect that. I even had started gaining weight when we got engaged. So i was no thin and trim thing then. This was before i found out about my thyroid issues. I dont know what to do about the physical attraction. I do need to loose weight. I know this. As an overweight person im thinking balemia doesnt look so bad. My husband gets upset when i say it. But if its physical then what am i suppose to do. I say commit the ultimate act so i can get on with my life. Why make my life hell, If hes not attracted to me. Right now i dont think porn and masterbation is enough for a divorce. But adultry would get me out the door instantly.

 

Bubbles~ I have thought about that. But we do alot of online business. Buying and paying online. It is convienient for us to have the internet.

 

Thanks Again

upset

[InmannRoshi]

Originally posted by Bubbles

Geez! where's Jenny to tell this girl that she is all wrong! and moimeme too.......

 

Example: If there was no porn available on the internet....most men would not know how to use a computer!

 

I don't know .. maybe because its sexist and offensive ?? Kind of like saying if it wasn't for Oprah's Book Club most women wouldn't know how to read.

[Orange County]

Originally posted by Upset

As an overweight person im thinking balemia doesnt look so bad.

 

Please tell me you are joking. Hell, even joking about it is far worse than your husband smacking one off to some internet porn.

 

 

Also, I know it is hard to believe, but men did this kind of stuff long before the internet was around.

 

 

Try this tonight: Go rent some porn movie from the video store, light some candles, drink some wine and get nasty. If that doesnt do the trick I dont know what to say.

[Upset]

Orange County~ No im totally serious. My weight issue is a big concern to me. I know how unattractive it is. How ppl look at you. How ppl treat you. Luckily i have never ran into anyone that has made rude or harsh comments about my weight. I am thankful for that. I am very unhappy about it.

 

Also we have a bunch of porn videos and dvds, but he never asks to watch them. Plus i feel uncomfortable watching them. It probably all phycological. I wish i could get past this.

 

Thanks for the responses you guys are really opening my eyes about this porn issue.

 

upset

[Orange County]

For my girlfriend and I, porn is erotic as well as educational. It helps us keep the spark in our sex lives.

 

Bulimia is a very serious disease. Please do your own research on the health hazards associated with it. Unless your health is NOT worth more than your appearance you need to stop thinking about that NOW!

[moimeme]

Now to me that means hes not happy with what is at home.

 

This is your belief. It does not reflect reality.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Now, to your issues:

 

When a man makes the commitment of marraige, he is promising me love, happiness, forever

 

NO human, man or woman, can or should expect a spouse to 'make' you happy, and nobody can expect 'happiness forever' and put the weight of that on the spouse. Similarly, that someone's self-esteem is poor is not the fault of a spouse unless the spouse actively insults one all the time. These are issues that you must work on for yourself and for your own sake.

 

So what happens is the spouse who expects a husband to 'make' her happy and 'make' her feel good about herself blames the viewing of porn on her lack of these feelings and begins to attack the husband over the porn. This causes problems in the relationship as a whole. The husband, feeling put upon, retreats emotionally and decides that the naked strangers on the screen at least won't beat up on him all the time - plus he can get his rocks off. And so this cycle continues with nobody addressing the original and underlying problems.

 

You freely admit that your husband had to do without sex for long periods of time because of your condition - but even then, you refused to be understanding about him masturbating to porn. This did not help the relationship.

 

Now you're both in a bad situation. Yes, he should pay more attention to you, but it sounds like the emotional disconnection is pretty severe.

 

So what people need to do in ALL these situations (unless it's addiction, and while your husband is using it a lot, it doesn't sound like addiction) is GET TO A COUNSELLOR STAT. NOT for you to bash him repeatedly over the porn, but rather to discuss the OTHER issues which triggered the porn use.

[capitald]

If your husband is looking at girls and is masturbating and is enjoying himself and is horny then at least he is ALIVE. Count your blessings.

[echocrush]

I went through this for eight years, I was a very open minded woman, with a very high sex drive so that wasn’t the problem, I did gain weight after the birth of our children but he said that was never it.

 

Other than that our stories are identical, it was a game at first, then separate computers, all of that. It ended the night I found him in front of the computer masturbating (at 4 AM even, must be something to that) After eight years I’d had enough, I smashed the computer to pieces. The one and only time I was violent in our marriage… We divorced shortly after and he said he had learned his lesson, he wasn’t doing it anymore. Only, I am friends with his new girlfriend, and he is still doing it, and still lying to both of us about it…

 

I didn’t really believe in porn addiction until after I actually saw it in action. That’s sounds like what you may be dealing with… An addiction is defined as being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming. Don’t let the fact that it’s all part of normal human sexuality fool you. That’s where the biggest problem comes from. When your husband is an alcoholic you can talk to other people about it, join groups, find support. It’s an accepted addiction. No one will tell you, oh boys will be boys, and alcohol is perfectly natural. But it’s just as powerful…

 

They defend it, they hide it, they deny it… but they can’t resist it without help, and they will backslide. It takes a lot of support because it comes from deep psychological issues. My ex was raised in a home where sex was so dirty you didn’t talk about it, you didn’t think about it and you didn’t do it… The kind of home where a curious child was punished. These addictions come many different places, but for whatever reason these men grow up thinking differently about sex than other boys, and that later becomes part of the turn on, sometimes even required for arousal at all. The secrecy, the “dirty” feeling, and the hiding…

 

I don’t know for sure if your husband is addicted to porn, there really isn’t a line saying over here is normal use of pornography and over there is addiction. But if this is an addiction you are going to need help to deal with it. The problem with dealing with a spouse who is addicted to anything is the risk of becoming codependent yourself, the more you try to help the more you get wrapped up in their addiction.

 

There are some wonderful resources on the internet for finding out for sure if this is what you are dealing with, and what you can do about it…

 

http://www.no-porn.com/

 

So yes it can be dealt with, and there is help, so I hope you find your way out of this cycle, because I know the toll it took on my children and myself, and even now what it is doing to my ex. But there is always hope, and if he loves you enough to try as hard as he already has for you then there is hope for your marriage as well… Good Luck

 

EchoCrush

[zarathustra]

After eight years I’d had enough, I smashed the computer to pieces.

 

 

 

What a heartbreaking tale, Echo. I'm glad you fought back, however.

[echocrush]

Not so heartbreaking, it was a healing experience. He and I are still friends, but I am glad that part of my life is over, I have no regrets in walking away. I wanted to help him, but he still doesn't think he has a problem. So at least it's not my problem any more.

 

Upset, I know I had some issues in my past that made the porn problem especially sensitive. To me it felt like he was not able to control himself sexually and it made me worry about the safety of my daughters with him. But alot of that fear came from my past... Just a suggestion, but is it possible that you might have deeper reasons for being so upset?

 

And the weight issue, I know it well. He assured me constantly that he was still attracted to me, that he loved me, he couldn't explain why he needed to do something that hurt me so much. But it does send your self esteem into the toilet. And it is so easy to blame it on your body, or your face, or anything that makes sense to you. But it's not right... Even if he HAS lost interest in you because of a weight issue, it's his issue not yours.

 

But my new husband loves me just as I am, he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet. I don't care if he looks at porn because he always comes to me for the real thing.

[Bubbles]

echocrush,

 

I started crying when I read your post......sounded like my own story. It is good to know that I am not the only one that this has happened to. Emotionally it feels the same as being cheated on huh? At least you got to smash the computer! I was not strong enough to do that

 

You know if my ex took a day off claiming that he was "sick" he would sit in front of the computer and spend his day groping himself and jacking off allllllll day long. How HUMILIATING is that?!!!! to come home to? wake up to? Look for your partner in bed at 3:30 in the morning and where would I find him? sitting on the computer!

 

Bubbles

[jenny]

whoa. i respect your response, but i think it comes down to the kind of person you want to be. if you want to emerge as the kind, rational, introspective, woman, you take one road. you decide in advance whether or not you can handle porn and make your demands clear and present during courting. if he likes porn, and you do not, you let it be known and dump him easily if he does. if he manifests porn during the marriage, you leave him, and continue on to love again.

 

if you take the other road, you destroy things: computers, relationships, marriages, identities, always privacy. unsure of your feelings, you just destroy until you are certain you are right. that's also a valid, if tragic and harmful, response.

 

i'm glad you could be leaving him. i'm glad this could be done. no child needs to be around this kind of drama.

 

you can lose weight, we are here to help you! and there are some things i guess people cannot compromise upon, and i dig. my guy does look at porn, but the girls all kind of look exactly like me, so i expect that helps. i don't want to be obtuse or stupid about this issue anymore...just let us know what we can do to help.