31 Days No Contact... wanting to email for closure?

[wmrjw82]

My girlfriend and I broke up on Jan 14th. We were living together at the time it was a very intense love and we were around each other all the time. The breakup came out of nowhere for me. (If you wish to read the whole story check out some of my other threads on it)

 

Anyway, it took me about 2 weeks to move out all my stuff. The last day I communicated w/ her was the day I left my key on her dining room table, Jan 31st. She sent me 2 texts on Feb. 9th to wondering how my custody trial had been (i'm going thru a year long custody battle and she was always kind of my rock. She even offered to be a character witness). I never replied because not only had she kicked me and my 12 month old son out 3 weeks before the trial, but she broke the news to me over facebook. I was bitter and angry and confused as to why she could "pray for me and my custody outcome" when she could just as easily let us go just 3 weeks prior. Since those brief 2 txt msgs from her on Feb. 9th there has been no communication from her.

 

I'm now on day 31 of NC and I dont feel like i'm getting any better. I keep feeling like I closed the door to any kind of reconciliation with her when I didn't reply to her txt on Feb. 9th. I have her unfriended on Facebook and have removed all pictures with her on it but I still find myself thinking about her and missing her everyday. Why am I not getting stronger? I feel like I dont have a sense of closure with her. I want to reach out and send her one last email letting her know everything I feel because all she heard from me in the 2 weeks after our breakup was begging and pleading. I feel like since this month of NC has gone on, i've been able to step back and see the situation more maturely and objectively instead of me asking her how she could do this to me, etc.

 

Her reasoning for the breakup was that she was "just not happy" and "not ready for a family" and "found herself intererested in another guy, even though nothing had happened". We never fought and hardly had a disagreement in the 6 months we were together. I really thought she was the one because of how much love she showed my son and I.

 

Should I send this email and ask if this breakup is final or if there is a chance for us in the future? I'm just tired of each day going on the same and hoping she will contact me but it never happens. I dont want her to think that i'm pissed at her or angry with her. I want her to know I accept her feelings no matter what they are. I'm unable to be friends w/ her because i'm in love with her but I miss her everyday. I just want to find some closure with this and see if she really is done for good with me.

 

Should I email her?

Edited March 2, 2011 by wmrjw82

[EmperorR]

Been there all your email will do Is make you feel miserable and set you back to day 1, and you will start nc again

[810]

Should I email her?

 

No. Once she'll receive the email, she would not see you in a different light other than the one you were in 2 weeks ago. It wouldn't help if not making it worse.

 

I agree with EmperorR. That email would reset the NC time again to zero. You have to start all over again.

 

Have a box, write her name on it, and write as many letters as you like, print them out and put them in the box. g'luck. i understand that it seems long and painful but this, too, shall pass.

[Rose T]

I've been a bit of an NC hypocrite on LS. I do think that going for long periods of NC (like at least a month) is a really good show of strength, as far as your ex is concerned, and helps you heal. In my recent break-up, though, almost to second-guess myself and make sure that I'm doing the right thing, I have caved into responding to contact to test the waters on occasion. I also initiated it a couple of times.

 

Some people seem to manage really long NC periods and I think that's amazing. Sometimes breaking NC is a slap in the face, but sometimes that's sort of what you need - a reality check about the other person. If you want to get in touch, you might not like what you hear, you might not even hear back. But hey, you're human. NC does work though if you ride out the worst moments, so do bear that in mind and be proud of how far you've come.

[wmrjw82]

You're right. I wont do it. Gotta keep the track. She doesn't give a damn about me. Otherwise I'd hear from her. **** people who lie about their feelings and make you believe it. I won't give her the satisfaction.

[Eddie Edirol]

You have to realize that she was thinking about breaking up with you months before she actually did it. By the time she did it, she was soo unattracted to you that she just had to get away from you, and giving you no hints in the meantime. So sending the email will not ony get you no closure, but will send her further away. Women who break it off with you this way have no desire to get back with you especially since she started seeing someone just before breaking it off with you.

[wmrjw82]

Well she was definitely a good liar about it. Especially the long love email she sent me in the middle of the night back in November.

 

Reminds me of the song "Goodbye Time" by Blake Shelton.

 

"If the feelings gone...words won't stop you anyway."

[stopthemadness]

I say dont do it!! Dont contact smone whos says they're leaving the relationship because they are not happy. Stop thinking of them and start thinking of you. It would only hurt you if she didnt respond or worse responded with smthing rude. Why do you even need to ask if your broke up, when the girl is staying with another man. But if you do need to hear it, ill tell you. Am 99.99 % sure that you guys are over. and at this point no matter what you say now all shes gona remember is the begging and pleading ( i did the same thing) But now at this point we both have our days of N/C and they cant take that way from us. Ive tryed to still have contact, it only causes more pain. Ive been a month and a half of N/C and am doing alot better. I wouldnt contact him now if he were on fire and didnt know it. At this point i remember all the hurt and pain he put me through. But most of the time not thinking of him is easy.. So hang tough on the n/c..Like they say. The only time you wanta hear what they have to say is when their banging on your door begging you back!!!Keep posting it helps........

Edited March 3, 2011 by stopthemadness

[Flabbergaster]

She sent me 2 texts on Feb. 9th to wondering how my custody trial had been (i'm going thru a year long custody battle and she was always kind of my rock. She even offered to be a character witness).

There were positive things about you and the relationship. She cared, she wondered. Honestly...it was selfish of her to ask. She knew you were in pain, but she wanted you to tell her that everything else was ok. Jeez, that's such a guy thing to do.

 

I'm just tired of each day going on the same and hoping she will contact me but it never happens.

Yeah, this part sucks. Oh it sucks.

Ok...so if you send her an email...then you'll stop waiting for a response? NO, then it will be worse, because you'll be double hoping for a response.

My friend...she's not gonna contact you. It's time to thank her (silently) for the time she gave you, and move on. WIthout her in your life, then, that period would have been so much harder, right?

 

I dont want her to think that i'm pissed at her or angry with her. I want her to know I accept her feelings no matter what they are.

She's not pissed at herself; that's all that matters to her.

 

I just want to find some closure with this and see if she really is done for good with me.

You left your key on the counter, and you walked out. That's closure. She had her chance to say 'wait.'

 

Especially the long love email she sent me in the middle of the night back in November.

Love letters suck. They're the gift that keeps on giving...pain.

Don't re-read them, move them somewhere out of reach.

I keep seeing these words 'forever' and 'always,' in the ones sent to me. Hmm, I don't think she understands what those words mean. Ah well, too late to correct her.

 

You want to call and say "Hello! This is goodbye!" because you want to call and say "hello!"

 

IF you must contact her...and I don't think you should...the response should be cut and dry, smt like "I didn't respond to your sms because further communication with you was (is?) painful to me. You were extremely supportive of me during the trials. In gratitude for that, I am giving you this update on the court case. Please do not contact me further; I am not able to be 'just a friend' with you.

[wmrjw82]

She sent me 2 texts on Feb. 9th to wondering how my custody trial had been (i'm going thru a year long custody battle and she was always kind of my rock. She even offered to be a character witness).

There were positive things about you and the relationship. She cared, she wondered. Honestly...it was selfish of her to ask. She knew you were in pain, but she wanted you to tell her that everything else was ok. Jeez, that's such a guy thing to do.

 

Thanks for the response flabber. I'm just a little confused on your statement here. Are you saying perhaps I should have responded to her at the time because that's a typical "guy" thing to do? Or are you stating that HER behavior here was typical guy behavior?

[Flabbergaster]

 

Thanks for the response flabber. I'm just a little confused on your statement here. Are you saying perhaps I should have responded to her at the time because that's a typical "guy" thing to do? Or are you stating that HER behavior here was typical guy behavior?

 

Her behavior, asking a Q so she wouldn't have to wonder how to court stuff turned out, is selfish and / or thoughtless. It's behavior that I would expect from a guy.

 

It's fine that you didn't respond at the time; you can't let her jump in and out "like a friend" and torture you. She didn't ask because she cares about you; she asked because she wanted to know how that story ended.

 

Don't kick yourself about not responding. If you had responded, she would still be 'away from you.' Nothing you could do to prevent her change, it's about her not about you.

[wmrjw82]

Her behavior, asking a Q so she wouldn't have to wonder how to court stuff turned out, is selfish and / or thoughtless. It's behavior that I would expect from a guy.

 

It's fine that you didn't respond at the time; you can't let her jump in and out "like a friend" and torture you. She didn't ask because she cares about you; she asked because she wanted to know how that story ended.

 

Don't kick yourself about not responding. If you had responded, she would still be 'away from you.' Nothing you could do to prevent her change, it's about her not about you.

 

Thanks Flabber. It really bothers me that I could fall so hard for someone who could change their minds/hearts so easily. Especially when my 12 month old son was involved. If anything i've learned to take things extra slow. I dont want him getting hurt because of me choosing the person to be with.

 

Deep down I know she wont be back. My eyes water up just typing that, but I know its true. A woman just doesn't kick you out of her life the way she did me without it being permanent. She knows how badly she hurt me and I also know she's the type of person that doesn't go back and forth with her emotions. When she's done...she's done. I just dont understand how she could let me go though. I really was good to her and sometimes it seems like the only way to get a woman to miss you is to act like a complete ass to them.

 

I'll continue no contact but i'm 32 days in now and things seem like they are getting harder for me as the days go by. I didn't think this was how this was supposed to work. Reality is setting in that she's not coming back and it burns me to the core. I find myself thinking about her more and more. I thought NC would help me dwell more on myself but it seems to be having the opposite effect.

Edited March 3, 2011 by wmrjw82

[baxcdt86]

I've been there, two days ago in fact! I had 26 days no contact under my belt and thought I was ready to just send a quick email for pretty much the same reasons as you as the last contact I had with her was a grovelling disgrace of a text message.

 

I typed up the email, and had it in my drafts for a few days, then finally sent it...

 

At first it felt good, I didn't think I'd care about getting a reply, but days later I found myself checking my emails and checking my phone but nothing came through. i then sent her a txt asking if she got my email (what an idiot) to which she texted back 'yes I did, thankyou x'. What was I expecting to see? I regretted it immediately. Back to square one I went, back to 0 days NC and feeling like sh*t.

 

I would really recommend not sending her anything and heed the advice given by everyone.

 

However unfortunately the only way to really appreciate the advice is to make the mistakes and realise how terrible you feel afterwards, almost like teaching yourself a lesson!

 

But trust me, it's not worth the pain.

 

Peace.