A big mistake? I feel empty.

[xcrossmyheartx]

Me - 21 year old male

Him - 28 year old male

 

Recently, my boyfriend and I had broken up. It was mostly mutual, as we noticed that there was tension in our relationship. From my viewpoint, his libido was extremely low and never wanted to have sex, whereas I really enjoy sex and wanted it from him. Over time, it kind of made me a little bitter and the feeling of not being attractive and sexually desirable set in. I would frequently be annoyed when I tried to make passes at him and either start ignoring him, mocking him, etc. I know, it's pretty childish. He says that over time, this made the pressure of sex even worse and it was to the point where we would only have sex once a month. He even went to the doctor and got some libido pills, and while they do help, he never wanted to take them.

 

Despite all of this happening, the end of our relationship really put things in perspective for me. I love everything about him, and I feel really horrible for throwing his libido problem in his face. Instead of supporting him with it, I put even more pressure on him which didn't do any good.

 

Since then, I have hooked up a few times and have noticed that it really didn't do a thing for me. I thought that maybe having the sexual freedom would be amazing, but it's far from it. I miss him so much and want him back.

 

After we broke up, I asked again for a second chance. He said "once I make up my mind, I don't change it. It's very unlikely that we'll get back together." That really crushed me.

 

I've talked to a few friends, and they have all suggested that I just do my own thing right now. Go out with other friends, make myself less available to him, etc. At the moment, we're still really good friends, and we live together. Now, I know a lot of people would normally suggest 'no contact' with the ex, but it's really hard to do when we live together. Is there anything else that I can do that might be able to still salvage our relationship? Since we are friends, I don't want to be perpetually in the friend zone. I want to show him that despite his libido problems, I really do care so much for him and want to help him work through them.

 

Any suggestions?

Edited March 3, 2011 by xcrossmyheartx

[xcrossmyheartx]

I forgot to mention, we were together for 14 months. It wouldn't let me edit my post, sorry!

[xcrossmyheartx]

bump? .____.

[Bluebelle38]

I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he has made himself clear.

 

If I were you I would move out temporarily and stay with a friend. Put some space between you. He could work on the low libido if he really wanted to but he doesn't - at least at the moment.

 

Sorry can't be more helpful. I think he made his stance clear.

[amee]

hi x, I thought I would chime in here with some advice. You are far too young to commit yourself to someone with a low libido unless you have one. Sex is far too great a component in a relationship to forego it. If you do get back together you will again resent him, you will again feel "unattractive", and "undesired". I know from personal experience.

 

My suggestion to you is that you really put some time and space between you and your ex and eventually you will see the road ahead. The reason you felt empty after the hook ups is that you didn't have the connection with the hook ups that you had with your ex. So, you are effectively between a rock and a hard place. My reco, get up, move forward and don't look back.

 

The reason I'm repsonding to you is that I had an identical situation, I was 22 he was 21, we were together 3 long and frustrating years. I adored him, he was everything I wanted in a man. I loved his family, we did everything together, but he had a low libido. He once said I can go the rest of my life and not have sex. Thing is, there was absolutely nothing wrong with his body, it was his head. A story for another time. Know however that I did tread very lightly, and that is why I wasted so much time on a dead end relationship.

 

Now your ex might have some chemical thing going on but he should have gotten help with that. Sex is just way too important for one partner to say "deal". Relationships break over that all the time. He is not being a good partner in the least pushing back on this. Yeah, I know it's super senstive but it's your sex life too.

 

Please step back and give yourself some time. You are stinging from the loss now and will for several weeks. Take a breath, have some non-sex fun, then put yourself back out there. You will NOT regret it. But you WILL regret it if you try to get back into a relationship with someone who does not want to have sex 80% of the time you do. Try not to focus on all the great things about him, and whenever you do, try to generate that awful, frustrated feeling you had when you made passes and he responded with "meh". Try to remember how that eroded away at your sense of being desired and remember what a shame it would be to go without it when the chances are 100% that you WILL find exactly that with another man you are in love with. I know all too well what this all feels like and I wish so much that someone had knocked some sense into me, or that he had left me. I would have cried for weeks and weeks, then I would have thanked him profusely.

 

The utter deliciousness of sex with the one you love is not to be given up, and especially so young.

 

Give yourself some time, I promise you won't regret it. This isn't about him, it's about you. It has to be about you.

 

luck

 

a

[heartshaped]

I think you are just upset right now because the breakup is fresh. In time, you will realize that this was the best thing for both of you. Sexual incompatibility is not something you can just get over. It usually ruins marriages and relationships..it's better that you end things now before you end up in an unhappy marriage. People can't just flip a switch and want sex more often or less often. When looking for a partner, you need to find someone who is compatible with you on all levels.