Simone84 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 What in the hell could have possibly made him contact after 5 months of absolutely nothing??? Long story short - was long-distance relationship of 1.5 years, he's from my city but he moved away for a job a year ago, he always visited me, i never visited him, when i finally offered to come up for his birthday he made up a bunch of excuses, then when i said i already booked tickets HE DUMPED ME. Out of the blue, no warning. I said all good, i already knew you were seeing someone else, just needed confirmation. He flipped out and kept denying it - i'd already shut down and wasn't responding. FIVE MONTHS LATER, after no contact at all, i get a text last Saturday night at 1.30am, him saying he's not texting to get a reply so it's all good, he doesn't know why he's bothering but he has to for some reason, that he wasn't seeing or f**ing anyone, that everyone in his town did know he had a girlfriend back here, that he wasn't using me for a place to stay when he was here, and that he just had to say it again because it hurts having me think that he did that, that he hopes i'm well and that he won't bother me, don't worry. I haven't replied. But what the hell brought this on after 5 months of silence????? Hope someone has some advice... Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Sounds a bit like a drunk text. Interesting that he's still thinking of you after 5 months of NC though. Something must have triggered it. He pointed out a lot of things that I would have thought didn't need mentioning after 5 months as well... I dunno, he may have had a really crappy day and then gone out on the piss. Good combo for a drunken text to an ex. Did you reply? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simone84 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 No i didn't reply, i still haven't five days later... And yeah you're right - it just seemed to me like the text was almost pointless because he was just rehashing the conversation of denial that we left off 5 months ago... I just don't know what to make of it that's all. And i don't know whether i should reply or not because the way he dumped me was pretty cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
PowerOfOne Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 Oh yeah, you mentioned you didn't reply. *facepalm* There is something funny about ex dynamics. I mean, if i had a falling out with a friend and 5 months later i got a text from him/her it wouldn't nearly have the same.... not weight - something... but it wouldn't make me think two, three, four times over what it meant. If you know what I mean. I'd certainly be curious as to what made them think about sending a text like that. It's a pretty lame attempt at an apology. If that's what it was really about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simone84 Posted March 3, 2011 Author Share Posted March 3, 2011 I know, i'm completely clueless about this. It was quite a shock to be honest... It's one thing when they say 'oh give it a few months and you'll hear from him' or something... But FIVE friggin months, that's like almost half a year... A couple of people have suggested that maybe he was trying to open the lines of communication or reach out in some way... Other people are saying he's just in a bad place and needs someone to make him feel better... I have no idea what to think. I figure if he wants something he'll get in touch again. And yeah, you're right - it's not even an apology!! It's just re-living the whole fiasco from 5 months ago, as though it happened yesterday or something. Not sure what would make him think any of it is still even relevant... Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) No i didn't reply, i still haven't five days later... And yeah you're right - it just seemed to me like the text was almost pointless because he was just rehashing the conversation of denial that we left off 5 months ago... I just don't know what to make of it that's all. And i don't know whether i should reply or not because the way he dumped me was pretty cruel. Thats smart not replying,let him stew. Me,i'd be tempted to reply when he contacts me after all these months but its smart not to let dumpers,which he is know that they can ignore or be silent for half a year then expect you to be there once they decide to reach out. Did you try to reach out to him before,or not contacted him at all? Edited March 4, 2011 by MidnightinMadrid Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Simone, how do you feel about your life? Have you moved on from him? Link to post Share on other sites
Gossamer Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 ...has been at war with his callous way of dumping you. Unlike a lot of people here, I don't think hasty dumpings are all about our dumpers moving on to someone else. I know my ex didn't do that, but he dumped me in a horribly cruel way, on a train track before a date. He was somewhat emotionally impulsive anyway, fell in love with me quickly, had tantrums throughout our relationship, though a lot of it I can't characterize as being truly emotionally abusive, just immature. Was he a very expressive/demonstrative/emotional person when you were dating? Emotionally impulsive or impulsive in other ways? My work in therapy has taught me since the 6 months he dumped me, is that he actually didn't mean to break up with me. We had been fighting recently, and in that moment, he lost his emotional calibration again, he was burned-out from his high-stress job, he is very young, and our combined period of stress caused him to "flight" in the moment of "fight or flight". Long distance relationships can cause some people with maturity issues to be dishonest in relationships, not about cheating, but about getting burned out either regarding the work that is involved in keeping it going, or incompatibiity issues that they're thinking about, bothered about, and don't know how to broach when your only time together is supposed to be "compressed bliss and perfection". It sounds like he began analyzing/overanalyzing your incompatibilities, and was just too immature to deal with having a mature discussion with you. He found a reason to be angry/disappointed with you, so that he could justify treating you so badly. This is what I take away from the way my ex dumped me 6 months ago. My ex was just not emotionally mature enough to cross the line into a more committed relationship, became overwhelmed, scared, panicked, held grudges, and then cruelly dumped me. Even if he was cold about it, it sounds like he was having very large doubts. Whether his doubts were reasonable or not, he's a d*ck. And he's been feeling like a d*ck knowing you think he's a d*ck all these months, and that is preventing him from moving on, romantically, even if he's been dating. Anyway, my 2 pence, based on my own experience, which had nothing to do with him cheating on me, or moving on to someone else so quickly. I have to say I believe your ex. At the same time, he still betrayed you by being dishonest about his doubts, and not working on the relationship. He bailed in a very immature and cruel way. I hope in some way though that you know how much power you hold over him, because he does want you to know at least that he did not cheat on you, even if he's a confused, dumb-ass mess. Don't know if I agree with the drunk dial, either. Sounds like he was ruminating...and not only in that moment that he called. It was his closure...because he, for what it's worth...has been suffering...though in a selfish way. /Goss What in the hell could have possibly made him contact after 5 months of absolutely nothing??? Long story short - was long-distance relationship of 1.5 years, he's from my city but he moved away for a job a year ago, he always visited me, i never visited him, when i finally offered to come up for his birthday he made up a bunch of excuses, then when i said i already booked tickets HE DUMPED ME. Out of the blue, no warning. I said all good, i already knew you were seeing someone else, just needed confirmation. He flipped out and kept denying it - i'd already shut down and wasn't responding. FIVE MONTHS LATER, after no contact at all, i get a text last Saturday night at 1.30am, him saying he's not texting to get a reply so it's all good, he doesn't know why he's bothering but he has to for some reason, that he wasn't seeing or f**ing anyone, that everyone in his town did know he had a girlfriend back here, that he wasn't using me for a place to stay when he was here, and that he just had to say it again because it hurts having me think that he did that, that he hopes i'm well and that he won't bother me, don't worry. I haven't replied. But what the hell brought this on after 5 months of silence????? Hope someone has some advice... Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I was thinking about this for quite a while yesterday... totally agree with Gossamer. Also, there is another thought that came to mind. Perhaps he wasnt' seeing anyone but he was thinking about it and maybe chatting with a few people. Usually when you call someone on behaviour that you suspect... I've found this in my life, anyway... and they react very strongly there is kernal of truth in there somewhere. Gossamer is correct, though in my experience. An immature D**k is still an immature D**k, 5 months later, 5 years later, and even 25 years later. Sometimes that self centered immature behaviour never grows up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Simone84 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 First up - no, during the last 5 and a half months - the SECOND that he dumped me, i shut down and never ever contacted him again. Despite the fact that as soon as i said 'whatever, i knew you were seeing someone else anyway' - he flipped out for the next few hours and was trying to call and was texting frantically like a madman denying it. I'd just left it, just let him continue freaking out that afternoon on his own. And haven't had any contact with him whatsoever ever since that day. So no, i never tried to "reach out" to him in any way the moment he dumped me. Sorry but the first thing that came to my head (after thoughts of "i'm glad, good, suffer")... was "too little, too late". This wasn't even an apology, this was just him rehashing the same issue. And why? I'd dropped it almost 6 months ago - why bring it up again? Again, on my side of things, the last time i said anything to him was back in late September. Goss - wow, im really sorry about the way you got dumped, that really is cruel too... The funny thing is that YES, he was pretty emotionally impulsive. He'd had freak outs about us before and whatever, he's said in the past he'd stressed about how we were gonna work because of the distance, and we weren't completely compatible.. But the point is he said as much as i did that we would make it work. Then he goes back on all of that and BAILS. What you said about your ex 'falling in love with you very quickly' and having tantrums here and there... That sounds EXACTLY like my ex as well. Except for tantrums (we hardly ever really fought) - replace that with 'freak outs'. But yeah, he fell for me really quickly, which took me by surprise. Also to answer your question - the only thing was that he WASNT a physically expressive/affectionate person. That was actually one of the problems that we had issues with, he said he had a fear of intimacy (which i think is a load of crap to be honest). He just claimed he just wasn't an affectionate person and he felt bad about that. Not sure if i believed that because he'd been pretty damn affectionate in the beginning of the relationship before issues started coming up. Which makes me wonder if he checked out and hence wasn't being affectionate. You might be right that he'd been overanalysing issues in the end, maybe that did have somethign to do with it. I'd been convicned all this time that he had something to hide (he'd been cheating) and thats why he didn't want me to come visit him there... But according to him and his denials at the time, he'd been having doubts about us the past few days before the breakup but he didn't have the heart to say anything bceause he's "always changing his mind" (impulsiveness?)... As for how I AM doing right now? The funny/ironic thing is that about a week ago before i even heard from him - i was sitting there thinking 'damn, my life is pretty good, everything has actually gone 360 from how terrible i was feeling - everything is actually brilliant in my life!'... Then a week later - i hear from the person who f**ed it up in the first place. I haven't been with anyone new since we broke up, and that's the only thing that sucks probably, but everythign else couldn't be better for me right now. Hadn't been in a more positive place in a long time, then i hear from him. The other thing is that last Friday (so nearly a week after he texted and got no response), i noticed i had a missed call from a private number in my phone. Now i know that it could have been ANYONE, true, but it made me wonder whether it could have been him because he's tried to called me from a private number when he's known i was pissed off with him in the past. I'm also thinking maybe he thought i'd changed my number and never got his text, hence i didn't reply - so maybe he tried to ring to see if my number was even in use anymore. Thanks for all your insight though guys - hope i can help some of you as well with your probs! Link to post Share on other sites
depplover_1980 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Hail to life going on again without him then I think!! Link to post Share on other sites
lovnlost Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Aesome posts....Goss....well said. Deeplover...you have posted on mine several times and I have seen you elsewhere here. You have a great emotional intellect. Very valuable to you, and others I think. Simone....I was reading this to see what it may be like for me in 5 or 6 months once I start to move on with more clarity. And I feel for you as I was treated about the same. I feel for you, and praise you for your commitments and discipline. Best of luck to you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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