Angelboots NC log...

[angelboots]

Ok here I go.. Today was day one of NC.. after last nights discovery I am feeling really comfortable with not having to see or hear from him ever again.. Of course I am sad, I feel empty, used, foolish, depleted, but thankfully no longer confused.

 

I am grateful for that, no longer being in denial about who and what he is.. He is a text book Narcissist... it feels weird accepting that diagnosis now..

 

I thought my love could fix him some how.. i gave and gave and made excuses for his lack of respect, his lack of empathy, lack of understanding for those around him... all the time thinking he would one day wake up and realise that he was wrong about who I was..

 

One of the main thoughts I would battle with was "Why can't he see me for who I really am?"

 

He would always turn everything around on me.. if he stood me up it was my fault, if he had problems at work it was my fault, i was a liar and a cheater even though I have always been honest to a fault...

 

I had to be available at ALL times for him.. work wasn't an excuse, school wasn't an excuse.. if I didn't reply to a text with in half an hour the abuse and accusations would start.. he would prank call me to keep me on my toes..

 

But when it came to me contacting him.. well.. He would rarely reply in response to what I had said, or he would disappear for days and say he was busy with work and school and "why cant you be even a little bit understanding of how important my life is",,,,,,,,

 

I am in therapy now.. I stayed and gave until I have very little sense of self left but I refuse to allow him to have ruined me.. I am going to untangle what ever mess I am in now emotionally.. just watch me.

 

I should add that he sent me four abusive messages today and fake called me twice.. before messaging me to say I am full of ****, I am the cheater and Liar and he is sick of my games and to leave him alone...

He has always done that... self projection stuff but this time i just let it roll off my back... I didnt respond.

 

I am scared he will escalate in rage when he realises I am really gone this time... he threatens all sort of violence and public humiliation on me and my daughter.. I just hope this time he stays gone..

Edited March 3, 2011 by angelboots

[angelboots]

this morning I woke up and the first thing i did was check my emails... then remembered I have blocked him from contacting me,,

 

At first I felt a rush of panic but it only lasted a brief second before the relief came in to slow my pulse.

 

Today is about my daughters birthday AND my first shift at the new Youth Centre When I was with the ex any day that was about my work, doing a radio show, media release or Public speaking event my ex would go into rage mode.

 

I would try to text him through out so he would feel included, call him afterward to share the high of having done a good job, or being offered further work, send him pictures or video so he could feel as though he was there with me and I would always thank him for his support..

 

But he would stage some drama to keep the attention on him, he would tell me my job still wasn't important and I should give up and try something else, that i was turning into a lime light hog, that people only told me I was talented because they felt sorry because I was unattractive...

 

Or he would promise to show up.. and stand me up, when i would come home he would be gone.. sometimes for up to a week.. then he would reappear with no explanation and if I told him I felt he wasn't being supportive OMG he would rant and rage and call me names and say I was selfish and ungrateful and that he was my biggest fan but unlike the rest of the world he wouldn't lie to me..., it started making me feel anxious to have work.

 

 

Today I feel safe to know I can enjoy my work, come home and have a nice dinner and cake with my Daughter and not need to worry about him..

 

I cant wait for my daughter to open her presents tonight.. for the first time in a long time she has gotten exactly what she asked for.. plus a few little extras, my job doesn't pay great.. but it pays enough to know I can afford to make her day special so for that today I am grateful

Edited March 3, 2011 by angelboots

[marqueemoon4]

stay strong!!

 

cute new avatar

[angelboots]

Thank you for your support, I am actually really trying this time

 

and thank you for the compliment lol

 

You stay strong too, we will all get there in the end.

Edited March 4, 2011 by angelboots

[angelboots]

Yesterday was my first shift at the youth center... right on two oclock when he knew I was about to start work The ex sent me through a picture message.. I didnt know it was him at the time because I had deleted hes number but since I was starting work i just put my phone back in the bag and decided I would check it when I got home.

 

It was a picture of his new Tattoo saying "I know you dont want to hear from me but i told you I was getting a new tattoo so here it is"

 

I immediately deleted the number and picture. Why the hell do I care that he got that tatt? because I designed it I know he was just looking for a response but I still refuse to talk to him. I dont ever see the point anymore as I know what will be said.. how he will respond and where the conversation will go... he wanted to be told its a nice tatt.. or that i miss him... even abuse would have fed hes need for supply

 

Today I am stll definitely never going to fall for him again.. not even on a friend level.. but today I feel a little sad. I miss talking to the man I thought he was.

Edited March 4, 2011 by angelboots
excuse the typo's I just woke up lol

[angelboots]

Today for lack of a better word... sucks

 

I have been wanting to talk to the ex all day but its like a tug of war... The rational side of my brain is excited and relieved he is gone.. yet the "fantasy" of who he was and the memory of the conversations and friendship remain.

 

Both working in the same industry I want to tell him how well my first day went, how it has made me feel to work with these kids..

 

I guess I do miss parts of what we had. I have to keep physically checking my own thought patterns to "clarify" what happened, by reminding myself of all the bad things that happened and by reminding myself that the type of love I am capable of feeling and the type of love he feels are two totally different things.

 

Some one today told me that recovering from this type of relationship will take about three times longer then if it had been a healthy relationship.. which I thought was kind of cruel of them.

 

The fact I will never get any closure from "him" and have to find it by just accepting that it is what it is sucks and is hard to swallow. If I dont stay strong and hold my ground he will latch back on and start the whole parasitic cycle all over again.

 

On the plus side he didn't contact me today so I didn't have any extra temptation to respond and I can just focus on my own emotional needs for a bit.

 

I still love him or probably more parts of who I thought he was... Who he is in reality makes me sad, I pity him. Its weird to imagine a life without him in it now.. like a whole slate has been destroyed and left blank.

 

all this and its only day three... ouch.

[Bluebelle38]

Hey there

 

3 days is nothing... of course you miss the good things about him, but focus on the fact he is a manipulative liar.

 

Onwards and upwards. You know the pattern will only repeat if you text him.

 

Keep moving forward, it gets easier.

 

x

[K.K.]

I remember when we first broke up... laying in my bed wanting to die from missing him so much. Every night I'd say this is day 1... day 2... 3... . After I got to day 6 it hurt so damned bad that I had to force myself to blank out every time I saw his face in my mind. It's funny cause the other night I realized that I hadn't done that in a long time. And it's going on day 90 now. omg. day 90.

 

I think angelboots, it's a day to day struggle. A minute to minute struggle. Loving them so much even though you know they're poison. That's the worst. All the what could've beens. The magnet still drawing you towards them. SUCKS.

 

But somehow, I realized (as I think you will) after about day 60 that you cannot ever take them back again because of what they did. And suddenly you don't WANT the phone to ring. You don't WANT to go through the pain anymore. You don't WANT to ever run into them again. And even though it still hurts, (the what could've beens) you just realize that no matter what.... you don't even want them back anymore. So there's nothing left to do but try to forget and wallow in the RELIEF that comes from being free of their crazy asses.

 

I miss my good times with my ex more than anything as I know you do yours. But you know what? They screwed us royally. **** um.

[angelboots]

thanks bluebelle and K.K i do feel a lot better today, I slept for 14 hours straight and woke up with a big smile on my face, I think it all just sways from time to time.. anger, sadness, anger, a glimmer of acceptance, sadness...

 

Despite now having the worst cold I have had all year I actually feel good today I am glad he isn't contacting me at the moment.. You do think you want crumbs at the start but i prefer NOT hearing from him. The sooner he is just a story in my past the better.

[KennyD]

I will continue to watch your log. We can both help one another...tough times you need people who can relate.

[angelboots]

I will continue to watch your log. We can both help one another...tough times you need people who can relate.

 

 

Thanks Kenny I will do the same with yours

 

Today was good, got some assignments finished and listened to some tunes, no news from the ex is good news.. I am still in angry at him mode but at least now I am allowing myself to stay here instead of feeling mean about being angry.

 

I guess I am a little bit old fashioned but I believe in treating ppl how you want to be treated... so me being a little mad but not taking it out on him doesn't seem like such a crime in comparison really to what i have been through honestly lol

 

Ive been thinking a lot about how many red flags I ignored, how many lies I knew he was telling but how I let them slide at the time because I didn't want to rock the boat. I can see now how I enabled him to continue playing the game he plays so well.

 

I used to think to myself "why do you let him do this stuff, no other guy would have gotten away with half of this b/s" I guess its a question I'll be asking myself for a while, Obviously I have self esteem issues or something that I need to deal with.

 

Like attracts like as the saying goes.. thankfully I survived the weekend.. work etc this week will keep me distracted and might even go out with friends and see some live music on Friday while my daughter is away.

 

I think I am having an easier time dealing with this after our second attempt at things.. or more to the point MY second attempt.. he didn't make any effort.. Idk guess time will tell

[Shatter3d]

Goodluck Angelboots, its going to be tough, but we can get through this.

 

No doubt he will send more texts your way, you need to keep refreshing your mind about who he really is and what he did to you... It's so easy to forget the bad and only remember the good.

 

I barely survived this weekend...I was a hermit the whole weekend and drank myself into oblivion on Friday night... luckily didnt drunk text the ex, but texted a mutual (girl) friend from work as to how much I miss him etc. No doubt she will tell him tomorrow :\ Sighhh..

 

Just keep your head held high and keep strong, we are in this together..

[KennyD]

I guess I am a little bit old fashioned but I believe in treating ppl how you want to be treated... so me being a little mad but not taking it out on him doesn't seem like such a crime in comparison really to what i have been through honestly lol

 

Ive been thinking a lot about how many red flags I ignored, how many lies I knew he was telling but how I let them slide at the time because I didn't want to rock the boat. I can see now how I enabled him to continue playing the game he plays so well.

 

 

Same here...same here. Red flags you ignore because you are blinded by love. Because people can tell you something....you are always going to do what YOU WANT.

 

Enabling them is their way of manipulation.

[angelboots]

Thank you shatter3d, i am trying to be strong

 

Good on you for messaging your friend instead i hope she doesn't tell him though for you, last thing you want to do is boost his ego by knowing he got to you..

 

Tonight has been a bit up and down.. part of me wants him to contact me.. part is glad he hasn't and the other part is sick of the first two parts giving a damn either way lol I guess i am the picture of someone being torn.

 

I haven't cried though since the other night though which makes me happy... when he and I first broke up a few months back i cried every day.. hell I cried up until we decided to try again lol no I feel too angry still to cry..

 

I cant sleep...

 

I still cant believe after everything I supported him through he would treat me so bad.. I have never done that to anyone..

[angelboots]

.

 

Enabling them is their way of manipulation.

 

 

 

exactly kenny... they feed off it.. like parasites

[KennyD]

 

I still cant believe after everything I supported him through he would treat me so bad.. I have never done that to anyone..

 

 

My thoughts exactly.....people have no remorse, no regret for their common man. Its becoming more and more likely.

[angelboots]

I like to hope its not most people.. but the number does seem to keep growing sadly. I thought I was safe with him because he is passionate about working to help troubled kids the same way i am, i thought he must have a heart...

 

Now i know the "pat on the back" he gets for working with these kids is what drives him to do it.. he lives to be adored, but i know on the inside exactly how scared and sad and empty he feels because he has told me about it and i helped him deal with it.. or i thought i did.. guess now I know it was just more "love" taking he was after...

 

Idk I think I must be out dated or something... I remember once in my late teens trying to be a "bitch" but it didnt work lol i instantly felt awful and apologised and didn't try again. I have never been able to cheat or hurt a partner.. even when I break up with someone I do it to their face, as gently but firmly as I can and answer all their questions as patiently as I can so they can get their closure.. I dont understand WHY our ex's cant have any empathy or respect. cowards... thats all they are.

[KennyD]

Cowards is right.

 

I'm a human being, so are you-- we deserve to be treated like humans...not dogs that you "put to sleep" when you are done with them.

[angelboots]

lol sorry to laugh but i do remember crying to a good friend a few nights ago asking if he could euthanase me to put me out of my pain.. i figured it would be more humane at that point...

 

The pain does ease though at least... sometimes it doesnt feel like it but it has been for me. slowly... omg so slowly

[KennyD]

lol sorry to laugh but i do remember crying to a good friend a few nights ago asking if he could euthanase me to put me out of my pain.. i figured it would be more humane at that point...

 

The pain does ease though at least... sometimes it doesnt feel like it but it has been for me. slowly... omg so slowly

 

So slowly...like a knife being twisted.

 

LOL its good to laugh though, we are better than dogs...people just dont know how to treat others right.

[angelboots]

agreed..

 

Just had my therapy session for the week.. decided my goals are to deal with some of the things that happened in my childhood, in hope of understanding why I attract the types of men that I do.. How to NOT do it any more.

 

No word from the ex... still a good thing. When she asked me to talk about the night he posted our video online I threw up anxiety and emotion.. wow I hate that combination..

 

He has really done a number on me I hate him so much right now..

 

so what did i learn from that?

When forced to face the reality of how things are... it can be a sickeningly sad thing

Edited March 7, 2011 by angelboots

[angelboots]

ok so right now, right at this moment I am missing him I just feel like I need a cuddle so bad.. I want to feel safe and warm and loved right now and I dont. I feel discarded and scared and sad.. I feel like a piece of tissue that he blew his nose on and threw in the rubbish.. I served a purpose and now he is done with me..

 

It feels bad right now. I am trying to focus on the bad stuff.. there was a lot of it... but the "fantasy" remains.. the person I thought he was, he isn't, the future we planned never will be... The concept of feeling for anyone other then him right now is beyond me.

 

In him I thought I had found "the one" when things were good we knew each other inside and out, we could read each other like a book, we understood each other... to have someone take such a violent and sudden turn to the left and leave me standing here alone right when things were looking up in other areas of our lives has shocked me to the core.. I didnt see it coming the first time it all went down and now the fact he has continued to use me at every turn hurt.

 

I feel like there is a river of emotional wastage just pouring out of me, I feel sick from it.. I hate this whole thing. I wish i could just fix it all some how and make it be what I wanted it to be.. but I cant far out I hate this feeling

[angelboots]

Day 5 NC:

 

so having a crappy afternoon lead to having a crappy night, i cried in the bath for what felt like forever then slept poorly but woke up today feeling stronger for it, I didn't break NC thankfully and still have no desire to do so, this time around NC is for me completely. Thankfully no word from him either.

 

I have come to accept a lot about the relationship. I am comfortable with the thought I gave it my best, that I was true to myself through out towards him and also that it was doomed before it started. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if its not divorced, its still married to someone else.

 

I do wish him bad at this point.. no more so then to have her give him what he gave me.

[angelboots]

ok so just found out one of my friends ratted him out to hes ex wife... now i am worried drama is going to start i hope they all just leave me alone. If I had of known he was playing both of us off against each other i wouldnt have been involved with him again in the first place far out i friggen hate drama. I feel anxious.

[angelboots]

crap now he is at me god give me strength right now. all he has to say is "dont stress im not going to worry about "bob" ratting me out, i wish we hadnt of tried again, i miss chatting to you"

 

wtf go away