KennyD Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 how ya doing angel? hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Im ok.. just ignoring him still... Im mad my friend breeched my NC by giving him an excuse to contact me again.. he just sent through a message saying he still cares and wasn't playing me.... he was caught red handed.. I caught him red handed. Its stupid. I want him to go away. Every word he says sounds hollow these days. Hopefully he will get bored soon and leave me alone. Link to post Share on other sites
KennyD Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 cold shoulder time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 yahuh.. exactly Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 ok so I buckled a little bit tonight. We ended up discussing how much of an ******* my friend is for using a girl while trying to get back with hes ex......... ............ ............ He genuinely couldn't see any comparison between what he did to me... and what my friend is doing to the girl he is using......... ,,,,,,,,,, i asked him if he ever feels bad for hurting ppl.. he said sometimes he does.... not once did he apologise for what hes done to me... not one word of remorse. Just wanted to talk about hes tatt and himself.... i dont know how i feel about it. it confirms the narcissist theory... that doesnt make me feel any better though. just numb. time for bed. what the hell Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 FORGET HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 you are too cute to be wallowing over some total pr*ck! new avatar pic plzzzz Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 there u go MM4.. if only forgetting him was as easy as changing a photo Link to post Share on other sites
AC06 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 there u go MM4.. if only forgetting him was as easy as changing a photo I wish it was that easy as well. If there was some secret shortcut, I'd pay for that information. On the other hand, obviously, your avatar is very pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 thank you.. I swear that if there was a memory wiping technique then i would use it now if only having a pretty avatar made u undumpable.. un~usable.. un~hurtable.. i just hate that he used me for a whole year. that everything was a lie. that he feels no remorse even. no explanation nothing. He is emotionless.. completely. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 um. wow. I'm really glad I requested a new pic Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I am so mad at me for breaking NC again... I ended up lying last night in hope it would make him go away. I told him I am seeing someone else and was cheating on him anyway.. I know that seems extreme as I wasnt but at this point I just want him to go away. My friends all know I wasnt and am not but I dont care outside of that what others think of me. I havent heard anything since I told him except the "how could you, you used me, you lied to me" rant from him.. I was kind of amused he chose to see my fake affair as bad yet hes doesn't count.. So now I am the bad guy apparently, but I dont mind. I just want him to move on now, if he does it hating me so be it... Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 (edited) thank you.. I swear that if there was a memory wiping technique then i would use it now if only having a pretty avatar made u undumpable.. un~usable.. un~hurtable.. i just hate that he used me for a whole year. that everything was a lie. that he feels no remorse even. no explanation nothing. He is emotionless.. completely. I remember someone once saying "Good People are at a serious disadvantage when dealing with Bad People. They fail to grasp just underhanded the latter can be--since they themselves don't operate that way." Hearing this helped toughen me up. I began to anticipate just how low my adversary could go--and I stopped falling for it. Best to you Angelboots. I've been following your story since you joined LS. Rooting for you. Edited March 9, 2011 by cerridwen Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Thank you to everyone who has been following my story.Tonight I feel like a bitch for lying and saying I was with someone else.. but I am happy to let it be how it is.. I watched a show we used to watch together n cried tonight. I had an actual anxiety attack which was awful. I am thinking I might see a doctor about getting on some meds just to help me sleep at night. I hate the chemical help concept but I need sleep and I am just not getting it. No word from him today.. for that I feel relieved. Went and had dinner with a friend and all the kids tonight which helped too I worry now that I am becoming jaded about "love" even existing in todays society. everything is treated as being so disposable, has that happened to love too? I feel ill at the thought of dating again still. any time i catch someone looking at me i feel repulsed and angry. has anyone else felt this way? Does it pass or is it just the "realisation of reality" ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 Today i decided i wanted a fresh look, I had a little bit of extra money this week left over after my pay so I decided to dye my hair After 15 years of being dyed red, i have decided to take a walk on the dark side and am now a dark brunette I must say the pampering felt good! the ex always wanted me to let my blonde grow back out so in a way i feel like i am rebelling at him by doing it, but at the same time a change is as good as a holiday. I also went and brought a few things for my first truly free night out tomorrow. I am taking my brother to an all ages live metal music festival so we are all getting punked out. It should be a good night out and I am looking forward to it! my ex has hardly entered my mind much today which is also feeling good... its nice to report today hasn't sucked as yet ((touching wood)) Link to post Share on other sites
KennyD Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 How you doing buddy? Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 not much... i am nervous about tonight, going out for the first time tonight since I have realised there is no hope with the ex... It feels wrong somehow but I know my friends are counting on me to be there... its easy to get into the trap of hiding out at home during the break up but once its said and done it takes a bit to want to get back out there. I have told the group i am not interested in any set ups and just want friend time so hopefully they listen and the ex doesn't come to mind too much when i am out. Ill post about it all when i get home no doubt. I hate that we cant maintain friendship at this point, my partners tend to become my best friends, its a good music line up, would have been something I would have liked to do with him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lemontang Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 I know heading out for the 1st time with friends after a breakup can be a little daunting at times. You spend half the night looking over your should either hoping or dreading (or maybe both) that the ex will walk in. Plus your friends sometimes play on tender hooks looking after you throughout the night (I find that really annoying when they do that). Not only that when you do finally meet someone else it almost feels wrong for a moment before you snap yourself out of it and realise you have every right to be happy and happy with who ever you want to be happy with. Hope you had a great night though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 Cant sleep right now.. my head is a bit all over the place.. to be expected after talking to the ex i guess. today i am going to ignore him.. today i am going to ignore him... if i tell myself i can do it i know i can do it.... I realise I need to do it. I need to sever contact. He sent me another bearly decipherable message tonight.. we were joking about something he did at work and he was pushing me to tell him what i was thinking because i am having a few family problems and he wouldnt let up he keep asking me to tell him what i am thinking and i slipped with a me to him: "ffs i love you "insert name".." I recieved back immediately him to me: Ur the only 1thT says I dont What the hell does that even mean.. i asked him what that mean't and of course no reply..... lost and floundering and again its my own fault... today i will ignore him... today i will ignore him... today i MUST ignore him.... sigh Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcjkkBtXgIc love lock down by kanye west... this is my song for now, its been on repeat which is odd because I am usually more of a rock chicky but somehow i am feeling this the most of anything else on my track list at the present time. the ex contacted me today with a random stupid message so I just did a copy and paste my original question about what the above text meant... no reply. Not that I am surprised but I am thinking at this point its either keep copying and pasting the question until he answers it or gets bored n moves on.. or until i am sick of pasting it and I move on and have no further contact. I dont want to play any more Im tired of his games. seriously tired. Edited March 14, 2011 by angelboots Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcjkkBtXgIc love lock down by kanye west... this is my song for now, its been on repeat which is odd because I am usually more of a rock chicky but somehow i am feeling this the most of anything else on my track list at the present time. the ex contacted me today with a random stupid message so I just did a copy and paste my original question about what the above text meant... no reply. Not that I am surprised but I am thinking at this point its either keep copying and pasting the question until he answers it or gets bored n moves on.. or until i am sick of pasting it and I move on and have no further contact. I dont want to play any more Im tired of his games. seriously tired. For crying out loud...STOP CONTACTING HIM. You are TORTURING yourself. Ignore him!!! Delete his number, change yours! Who cares what it means? He's barely literate, he cheats on you, he treats you like dirt and you go crawling back ever time he crooks his finger. I think deep down you enjoy the drama. I think if it wasn't a drama you wouldn't even recognise it as love. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 please stop responding to him, please. he's just trying to play with your emotions and you are LETTING HIM! NC NC NC NC NC Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) I think deep down you enjoy the drama. I think if it wasn't a drama you wouldn't even recognise it as love. Everything you said, bar this, was actually fairly productive, this though is an unfair assumption and over all fairly nasty. LS is a place we come to support each other but to assume that i am enjoying how I feel in any respect is just ignorant. I friggen hate it, every second of it, i genuinely loved this man and I am struggling just like everybody else here in the coping section to come to terms with the loss of that love, trying to understand just like everyone else what went wrong and to find peace with in myself with out him. I still love the prick.. yes i know he is a prick.. but i genuinely loved him, That doesn't just go away. Why did i love him? Because our relationship had its happy moments, we connected, i could see my future with him beside me, i felt happiness and contentment. My hang ups are really connected to the fact that the person he turned into just before the break up, and the way he has treated me since with all the on off bull ****e is doing my head in. I cant tell if he is just mentally immature, a total ass hole or definitively nassesistic.. I knew nobody was perfect but he's flaws at the start where not the obvious ones I am faced with now. You are here for the same reasons as everyone else, your relationship ended and you are trying to cope, but dont pass judgement on my feelings based on what ever you "think" i must feel. Edited March 14, 2011 by angelboots Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebelle38 Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 hi angelboots I am sorry you are struggling. I was where you are with my ex. He too is a prick and selfish, but the good times we had were incredible. I was totally myself, we had great holidays, a great xmas just gone but sometimes things are not meant to be. I don't believe you enjoy the drama and agree that comment, while probably meant in the best possible way, was harsh. I am a few weeks on NC and I feel a sense of peace with it. I still have wobbly moments but I know I deserve more than what my ex offered me. I'm getting on with my life and thoughts of him are less and less. i am finally sleeping better and have started a new project (writing) which is something I always wanted to pursue. Of course you remember the good times. You would have not been with him if they didn't exist, but what you must try and focus on is that he is more than just those good times. He is also the person that cheated, made you feel the incredible lows with the highs. A man that truly loves (and deserves you) would never knowingly put you through such pain. What I have learnt is if a man is capable of such hurt once, he is more than capable of doing it again. You are a smart, attractive woman, and I'm sure a great mum. That is enough for now. You don't need any man to make you whole; that will come in time. Keep posting, keep looking forward but do not boost his ego any more by contacting him. This is all a game to him, but it is your heart that is paying the price. You will get there, once you pass that 2-3 week mark of no contact you will start to make real inroads. You will feel peace with your life and you will be stronger when his ridiculous and cryptic messages come through. Good memories are lovely, but this man is in no way worthy of your love or time. Link to post Share on other sites
Fern Posted March 14, 2011 Share Posted March 14, 2011 Everything you said, bar this, was actually fairly productive, this though is an unfair assumption and over all fairly nasty. LS is a place we come to support each other but to assume that i am enjoying how I feel in any respect is just ignorant. I friggen hate it, every second of it, i genuinely loved this man and I am struggling just like everybody else here in the coping section to come to terms with the loss of that love, trying to understand just like everyone else what went wrong and to find peace with in myself with out him. I still love the prick.. yes i know he is a prick.. but i genuinely loved him, That doesn't just go away. Why did i love him? Because our relationship had its happy moments, we connected, i could see my future with him beside me, i felt happiness and contentment. My hang ups are really connected to the fact that the person he turned into just before the break up, and the way he has treated me since with all the on off bull ****e is doing my head in. I cant tell if he is just mentally immature, a total ass hole or definitively nassesistic.. I knew nobody was perfect but he's flaws at the start where not the obvious ones I am faced with now. You are here for the same reasons as everyone else, your relationship ended and you are trying to cope, but dont pass judgement on my feelings based on what ever you "think" i must feel. Look, I'm sorry if I offended you. That probably was a bit mean but you just frustrated me. You're starting to remind me of a really good friend of mine who did this too - went back and forth with this abusive a**hole husband of hers and we all listened to her woes and offered her support and advice and it always ended up being for naught because she always ended up back in the same cycle with this a**hole. Ten years that went on. He wrecked every nice thing she ever bought. He drunkenly crashed every car they ever had, he called her fat and ugly and stupid and ruined her self esteem, cheated on her and lied about it, you name it, he did it. TEN YEARS. And you know when it finally stopped? When she finally said enough was enough? When we told her we were sick listening to it because nothing ever changed and it seemed like all we ever did was pick up the pieces after every new drama and we weren't going to do it anymore. We told her she was welcome to come round to us and out for drinks/dinner/whatever but we weren't going to let her talk to us about him anymore because it was ALL she ever talked about. And we stuck to it. We hung up on her if she phoned to complain about him. We stopped her in her tracks when she got drunk and wanted to bitch about it. We MEANT it and we all stuck to it. six weeks later she threw him out. She used to do what you do too. When she was angry with him she'd say all the right things about cutting him out of her life but next thing you know he'd crook his finger and she'd be texting him that she loved him. What's the point? You're a grown woman and from what I recall you have a daughter? Is this what you want your daughter to grow up thinking love is supposed to be like? Is this the example you want to set her of how it's okay for men to treat her? You're addicted to the drama in the sense that you mistake the anxious feelings for butterflies. Been there, done that. I myself had to learn to differentiate between feeling bad and feeling butterflies. They're remarkably similar. So you love him. He's still a sh*tbag and he's never going to change. You need to go cold turkey. You're only prolonging the misery the way you're behaving now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author angelboots Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 woke up today feeling more determined to get him out of my life then yesterday, re blocked him from computer communication. I am not changing my number but am looking into options to get his number blocked on my phone so he cant text or call me. Therapy today. so tired though. I can do this I know I can. Link to post Share on other sites
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