What can I do? My family hates my bf.

[LillyNeko]

I'm torn inside right now, half unbelievabley happy, the other half, completely hurt/saddened, all because of what I'm going through right now. Yet I really would love some outside advice about my situation, any is truly appreciated!

 

About 4 months ago, I met my now boyfriend on Yahoo chat. I never gave yahoo much credit for nice people, but my bf changed that. When he imed me that one night in December, we hit it off as friends. Open communication was there from the start, casual conversation became a trusting friendship. He was going through a lot of stress in his life at the time, and confided in me, as was I. I had been jostled around in a rough friendship situation and he was there for me. I admit I had feelings for him near the end of that first 2 months. We met up, it was supposed to be friends,at the end of January, and well, we both admitted to the other when we met face to face, we really liked each other. Grown more than friends, and we started to go out with each other. Though this is extremely hard on us, as he lives in another city from me, about an hour or so, but we both don't drive so it's kinda taxing. I take the greyhound all the time to go down and see him.

 

Here comes the problem....when I told my mother about my bf, she frowned immediately, but to me, I didn't care what people thought about him...I was starting to fall in love with him, and I know what an amazing person he truly is! When we were together those many visits, we grew stronger, and promised to be faithful to the other. The trust was just there, and we have always been open and honest on everything. I mean, he even told me when he hated my hair a certain way! Lol! I didn't mind. I like his honesty, not brutally honest, but enough so that I can feel better about myself. I'm the same with him. Anyway...my mother asked what he did for a living and everything...and **bites lip** I told her, as hard as it was.

 

My bf is a ticket scalper, a single father of a beautiful 4 year old boy. Works when he can for a moving company, but he has a hurnia that is limiting him to do much. He doesn't drive, but loves public transit (saves on money), but he doesn't have any post secondary education, heck I just found out he didnt' graduate highschool. That is all because he's been living on his own since he was 17. He had a child with an ex-gf of his whom he was with for 4 years, but she ended up cheating on him the entire time, and disowned her son. Shouting it right ot his face and his fathers. Saying she didn't want them in her life no more. So, my bf took care of their son to this day, and is an excellent father! He does everything he can for that little boy. A long time ago when he was 24 he had been on probation for scalping, but needed to live off something and he went and sold some tickets....that costed him violating his parole. He had to go to court, but something had come up that day and he never made it. He didn't know for the longest time he had a warrant out for his arrest, and he eventually found out. He turned himself in not too long ago to get all of this cleared up, not only for himself, but for his son mostly.

 

He wants to end scalping, and wants to be a professional truck driver. yet living on your own and taking care of a child is hard work. He gives his all to create a good life for his son, and I agree, he does. The boy lives in a great environment, with lots of family and friends. Nothing poor on him at all. Just his dad, sacrifices things for himself for his son, like his hurnia operation for one. Money is tight. Facing these charges is one thing he wants to take care of right now, and the second is his hurnia. Then he's going to get his full time job as a mover and truck driver. That is his ambition. And boy does he have a lot. That's why I love him so much! I love everyting about his character, and cannot deny he is a good person. Heart of gold, and he showers me with showing how much he loves me in simple small ways, always tells me he loves me. I hear from everyone else he knows when he's not around, how much he talks about me, and they're like, "Damn, he really loves you."

 

Because he's been cheated on before he's told me he hates that and would NEVER do it to anyone he was with. The feeling is wretched, he said. So, a long distance relationship is built on trust, and a lot of strength.

 

Enter my family conflict. My mother absolutely dislikes him! As well as my sister. When he came up here to meet them, he knew already they didn't like him. So...he didn't say much, nervous and well, his sense of humor and social background is different than my own. He's never known a "proper" family, only one that was rough in a sense. He gets a long beautifully with his sister and mother...but he never had a family situation like mine. Parents were never married, and he hates his father. Anyway, my sister felt my bf was leering at her when she was talking, and said he was looking at her chest sometimes. My brother in law is a security guard and was unnerved by him (later saying he felt he's like the guys he deals with down at the bus station, rough ones). My mother was uncomfortable about him, saying he didn't seem friendly enough, or answer her. She didn't understand his jokes. When I did. He's a character, and very outspoken. Yet, no arguements happened, and I was confused by all of this, as we were playing a board game laughing like crazy talking and I thought it was all good. Nope. Next day my mother said she was "physically ill" and scared for me.

 

We had a huge fight, but made up later on to agree to disagree. But she said to me she felt I was not respecting my family's opinions at all. Well that hurt me, just because you hate him for who he is doesn't mean you have to make the decisions in my life. That's what she wanted me to do, dump him, for my family's well being. When my bf makes me so happy and I feel he is like my best friend. He was misunderstood that day they met him, because he came knowing they already hated him. I think my mom is scared because of the fact we met online, hates he is technically doing illegal activities for work, and maybe unnerved by our age difference. He's 29 I'm 23. I'm in college right now, almost completing my 3 year program, that will pay me rather well, and she feels he is going to use me for my money. I said, no way! I'm living on my own when I move out and no one touches my money. I will always have my own account, even if I get married.

 

Anyway....time passes by, and they tolerate my traveling to see him every other weekend. The arguements continue...and my mom and sister absolutely want nothing to do with him. Yet I've found my contentment, and I hate feeling trapped between my family and him. I want to keep things going with him. And he's so hurt that they hate him that much. He's not allowed at my house at all, because I live with my parents still. So, I can only see him at his place. It's really hard, and I dont' know what is going to happen. Some of the stuff he is going through scares me, and I wish he would change, like maybe finishing highschool and then taking truck driver's school, but that's only because I love him, and know he is worth so much more than he gives himself credit for. My sister and mother are scared for me, saying I will have a poor life if I stay with my bf. That he will suck me down and give me a crappy life. They don't want me to worry about food or finanical stuff. Well...I don't want a big house full of stuff like them. I've always hated lots of things, and i know I won't starve, because I have a good job of my own. sheeze. It seems they will never give him a chance, and when I ask "will you ever learn to accept/tolerate him?" They are like "We'll see when we cross that bridge" How can you? When you never let me talk about him, or get to know him, or even believe he is progressing for the better!!! I hate hurting my family, but I refuse to let go of him, when I've found something I've never had in a relationship before...amazing communication and someone who is my best friend!

 

We are both willing to work hard at our relationship and life, to make a happy long life together, so we can make our dreams come true, but they don't believe us. Do you know how much my heart would hurt if he turned out to be the one, and my family never accepted him? The separation would split my heart into a zillion pieces. My heart is already breaking knowing how much my bf is hurting over this, as well as my family and me, stuck in the middle. I refuse to let him go, I'm standing for what I believe in, even when not everyone agrees with me. IT's my life.

 

Sorry to be so long...but any advice?

[cutiebabe]

Ok... DO NOT... i mean DO NOT sacrifice ur happiness for ur familys. They may not like him but thats their fault ok so like u said its ur life and you have to do what makes u happy otherwise you're forever going to b pleasing everyone else and U will b miserable! Tell ur family that you are not going to choose between them and that they will have to live with the fact that you love each other and you will not give up ur happiness juz because they arent happy. Honestly tell em to get over it!

You could also move to where ur b/f is and do ur uni by correspondence, that would also certainly help with his lifestyle as he could go on and either go back to skool or work on his dreams.It would b good too for the child.You shouls discuss this with ur b/f and let him know that no matter what you will not leave him because of ur family. he needs to kno you'll b there for him.

goodluck and remember, b true to urself and put ur happiness first (no its not selfish).

[pregnant lurker]

Your family has known you a lot longer than this guy has, and they probably want the best for you - so definitely try to consider what they are saying and see it from their perspective. It seems your entire family is against him, from mom to brother-in-law. I would not go cutting off all ties with them and moving to be with this guy. You don't need to rush here - you're only 23, right?

 

Your bf says he wants to change and stop scalping, make a better life for his son. Let him do it. Be supportive of him. You want him to change - face his charges, get his hernia fixed, finish high school and get his trucking license. Does *he* want that? He lacks the advantages you've had as a child, but that doesn't mean he can't change - but that change has to come because he wants it, not because you want it. These are NOT impossible tasks. Help him to set goals and then meet them if you really love him.

 

Once your family starts seeing him grow as a person and better himself, they may come to accept him. If you rush into this, you're going to have a husband or partner with a lot more problems than you reckoned on, you're going to be the main supporter of a family of 3, he could even go to jail at some point or end up with some serious health problems that keep him from working - plus you'll have an unsupportive family. Do you need that kind of pressure?

[KRISTIE]

I shed a few tears reading your story and i know it must be soo hard for u cuz i know how hard it is to choose between family and the love of ur life. I guess your family just wants whats best for u, they're just concerned. but they judged your boyfriend too quick , i think they should atleast give him a chance to prove himself wrong. And isnt happiness worth more than anything else?? You should also encourage and help your boyfriend to get a better job and maybe even finish school. Maybe if he had a better job things might change. Also ask yourself, do u truly love this man or is it just lust? If u truly love him, help him and try harder to get your family's acceptance (he has to try harder too) and if all else fails then follow your heart. I have a similar problem to yours too . My parents does not like my boyfriend because he is of different race (east indian). My boyfriend comes from a great family background, he finished college, has a well paying job, treats me with all the respect, loves me sooo much and very committed to me. We always talk about marriage and our future together. He is like my best friend, my lover , my everything. My mom is not that bad,,she is more accepting but my dad told me he doesnt like him only because of his race. he said he is embarrassed to tell him friends his daughter is dating that race.. what kind of a reason is that?? it totally breaks my heart. You can change other things but u cant change ur skin color or ur race. its not his fault that his skin is darker and its not my fault for falling in love with a different race. Its hard because it is very important for me to have my parents like who i marry (i want them to be happy) but i cannot let go of someone that is soo good to me. I hope my parents will learn to accept it but if not i will have to go my way (i really dont want to) but i will have no choice either. I know your situation is probably worse than mine but keep in mind that your parents can only control your life to a certain point. And that everybody deserves a chance to be accepted.. Good luck and i hope they will come along and look at the bright side..