BS prefers long term OW

[neveragain1]

It occurred to me that a BS may actually prefer that their spouse cheats with the same woman because she is "safe". There is security in knowing that WS is not having multiple liaisons but strictly devoted to one "friend".

 

Any thoughts?

 

ya, its ridiculous to think a BS would prefer their spouse have an OW/OM at all.

[neveragain1]

I see the reasoning.

 

but of course you do:rolleyes:

[Emme]

I understand your post. I do think some women would prefer a stable partner for their husband. One that possibly is married as well. In a whole, safety from std's might be the issue and not wanting him to roam from women to women and get attached emotionaly. It would mean the risk of love being a factor when he's only with one but it's a risk some people take. Sometimes couple even swap wives.

 

I know men who cheat with many women. Risk it all... They also cheat internationally. Take trips out of the country to a tropical island of their choice and get a full fledged line up of all availble women willing to do every and anything under the sun.

 

So even though it sounds rediculous ... I get what you mean blissfullyoblivious

[Silly_Girl]

Good point.

 

My view on WS that confess is as follows:

 

1. They are afraid of being outted and want to manage the fall out.

2. They want BS to know so that s/he realises what a "catch" they are/were.

3. They want to end the affair and It is easier if WS takes control.

 

 

All self-serving. If you are "brave" enough to cheat are you really so weak that you confess out of "guilt".

 

Oh wow. Here we go....

[Silly_Girl]

but of course you do:rolleyes:

 

Why do you say that?

[Silly_Girl]

Oh there are some dimwits here.... 'Prefer' infers a choice. So Lesser of two evils might be an appropriate stance.

 

The question was not: would you prefer a cheat, or not a cheat.

 

It was: of the two types of cheater.....

[Spark1111]

And I think the overwhelming response is they are both heinous. One is not better than the other, if you are the one being cheated on, whether you are the spouse OR the OW.

[donnamaybe]

I cannot imagine a situation where anyone would prefer either. I get the question in the OP, but if two women were accepting of a situation like that (both OW and BS), I feel they would accept just about anything and are a rather pathetic pair.

[Silly_Girl]

And I think the overwhelming response is they are both heinous. One is not better than the other, if you are the one being cheated on, whether you are the spouse OR the OW.

 

That's your view, yes, and the poster was interested in people's view of the comparison of the two.

[Owl]

I think that's really kind of the point...the OP wanted people's thoughts on the comparison of the two...if someone might prefer one over the other.

 

The response from most of those who have been BS's in the past is that it doesn't matter...they don't prefer one over the other, both are pretty much equally devestating/damaging/etc...

 

So the general response I've got from this thread is that the OP has had her question answered with a "nope, no preference, both equally bad" indication.

 

Seems to be right in line with answering the OP's question, IMHO.

[Silly_Girl]

Some gave a considered opinion, yes.

[Snowflower]

Oh there are some dimwits here.... 'Prefer' infers a choice. So Lesser of two evils might be an appropriate stance.

 

The question was not: would you prefer a cheat, or not a cheat.

 

It was: of the two types of cheater.....

 

dimwits?

 

The question posed in the OP was the lesser of two evils stance, I agree. But it isn't an either or situation in reality. The BS always has a third choice: to walk away. I think that is what many BS are saying...that neither choice would be acceptable and that they would walk away, which is also a choice. No one has to stay in a marriage with any type of cheater.

 

BTW, it seems that some here are gunning for a certain response from BS which is not forthcoming.

[ver13]

It occurred to me that a BS may actually prefer that their spouse cheats with the same woman because she is "safe". There is security in knowing that WS is not having multiple liaisons but strictly devoted to one "friend".

 

Any thoughts?

IMO the long term is the final deal breaker period, multipule flings are ridiculous to say the least it shows that you have zero impulse control what so ever. But the whole idea of the long term states that you are willing to establish another enduring itimate relationship outside of the one that you are in. It shows that you have gone well past any type of remorse for what you are doing to your primary partner. How could the BS ever even try to work anything out with a WS that for all intensive purposes is in love with someone else. How would this make the BS feel like this is okay because it's the same person, for OVER A YEAR? if anything it adds more to the betrayal.[sIZE=3][FONT=Consolas] [/FONT][/sIZE]

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I would prefer a long term other woman who cooks well, likes to clean, do yard work and doesn't mind dog sitting while we are on vacation. I would also prefer one that could do my nails and give me a blow out before date nights. Unfortunately, no one ever asked my preferences.

[wheelwright]

I would rather he (if I truly loved him) did not develop feelings of equal weight with another. But even that I could let go of if it made him happy, and it were only equal.

 

If he loved her more, I would bow out.

 

I would find a whole load of serial cheating to be anathema. I don't do sex like that. I would rather he loved her at least some. Because otherwise he is capable of using for sex, or using sex to get off and not to unite in a more spiritual/meaningful way.

 

I wouldn't mind if he did sex once or a few times to work that out. As long as he did.

 

I am a lot more interested in love than in faithfulness.

 

In truth, when in love I will not sleep with another. But that's just me. And I wasn't always like that.

 

Anyway, I wish people would lighten up about infidelity. It would save a lot of heartache. I think lightening would solve more problems than condemnation does.

 

Just the way I'm thinking right now.

[bentnotbroken]

I would rather he (if I truly loved him) did not develop feelings of equal weight with another. But even that I could let go of if it made him happy, and it were only equal.

 

If he loved her more, I would bow out.

 

I would find a whole load of serial cheating to be anathema. I don't do sex like that. I would rather he loved her at least some. Because otherwise he is capable of using for sex, or using sex to get off and not to unite in a more spiritual/meaningful way.

 

I wouldn't mind if he did sex once or a few times to work that out. As long as he did.

 

I am a lot more interested in love than in faithfulness.

 

In truth, when in love I will not sleep with another. But that's just me. And I wasn't always like that.

 

Anyway, I wish people would lighten up about infidelity. It would save a lot of heartache. I think lightening would solve more problems than condemnation does.

 

Just the way I'm thinking right now.

 

 

And I wish people wouldn't cheat. So I dare say that neither of us will get what we wish for. Oh well, so much for solving the problems of committal and condemnation.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, I wish people would lighten up about infidelity. It would save a lot of heartache. I think lightening would solve more problems than condemnation does.

 

Maybe right now it's easy for you to say that. Imagine the one you love, said vows to, had kids with, a life with, cheated on you and he told you to "lighten up" after being caught by you. I honestly think you wouldn't feel like "lightening up" or feel infidelity isn't a big deal. It is..But then again, I guess it depends on what side of the fence one is on.

[wheelwright]

And I wish people wouldn't cheat. So I dare say that neither of us will get what we wish for. Oh well, so much for solving the problems of committal and condemnation.

 

Have to love you BNB.

[bentnotbroken]

Have to love you BNB.

 

 

or:sick: me....I am just me.

[wheelwright]

Maybe right now it's easy for you to say that. Imagine the one you love, said vows to, had kids with, a life with, cheated on you and he told you to "lighten up" after being caught by you. I honestly think you wouldn't feel like "lightening up" or feel infidelity isn't a big deal. It is..But then again, I guess it depends on what side of the fence one is on.

 

Imagine that ones peers are all either f***ed off with their Ms or new to them. Imagine the best sex you ever had. No really, imagine that only better. Imagine the one you love having that. I would want my H to experience it. But I am not jealously minded. At the moment. I imagine many things. I do not imagine I would ever want to keep someone in a box where they could not have sex if that was in some way beautiful for them.

 

Possesive love is not love. Imagine that.

[xxoo]

Infidelity is about broken trust. How can you lighten up about trust?

 

There are couples that manage fidelity without sexual monogamy.

[woinlove]

Infidelity is about broken trust. How can you lighten up about trust?

 

There are couples that manage fidelity without sexual monogamy.

 

Exactly!

 

I understand romantic love without monogamy. I can actually enjoy my H enjoying another woman (although I understand most people don't feel that way). But, I don't see how anyone can enjoy the one they love lying and deceiving them.

 

Wheelright, what does it mean to lighten up about that? That you don't care if they are honest? Or you don't expect honesty and openess in a relationship? Or something else?

[wheelwright]

Exactly!

 

I understand romantic love without monogamy. I can actually enjoy my H enjoying another woman (although I understand most people don't feel that way). But, I don't see how anyone can enjoy the one they love lying and deceiving them.

 

Wheelright, what does it mean to lighten up about that? That you don't care if they are honest? Or you don't expect honesty and openess in a relationship? Or something else?

 

I feel a lot for honesty. But I see that our culture makes it easier to explore in a spirit of deceit.

 

How many MPs are going to say OK f*** her, get off on that emotional involvement, be yourself.

 

None so far on LS. I think I'd be up for that (for the B?S and for me), but I might be certifiably unfaithful by now.

 

But anyway, I care about honesty.

[woinlove]

I feel a lot for honesty. But I see that our culture makes it easier to explore in a spirit of deceit.

 

How many MPs are going to say OK f*** her, get off on that emotional involvement, be yourself.

 

None so far on LS. I think I'd be up for that (for the B?S and for me), but I might be certifiably unfaithful by now.

 

But anyway, I care about honesty.

 

If I understand correctly, you are suggesting maybe more people should lighten up with respect to emotional and/or physical monogamy, not about deception. I agree most on LS, even many of those involved in affairs, think monogamy is very important. One of the posters who gave me the most flak for being in an open M was involved in a secret affair. I found that curious since, for me, I'm happiest when my words, actions and values line up consistently. Maybe cultural influence plays a role, or maybe some in affairs see their (or their AP's) behavior a one-time exception to their ideal of monogamy.

[fooled once]

Imagine that ones peers are all either f***ed off with their Ms or new to them. Imagine the best sex you ever had. No really, imagine that only better. Imagine the one you love having that. I would want my H to experience it. But I am not jealously minded. At the moment. I imagine many things. I do not imagine I would ever want to keep someone in a box where they could not have sex if that was in some way beautiful for them.

 

Possesive love is not love. Imagine that.

 

Wheelwright, I think you are still so hung up on the xMM and you have no love or lust whatsoever for your M that you really can't understand those that truly love their spouse and have NO desire to want their spouse to enjoy a mind blowing sexual experience with someone else.

 

I think if you were in a loving, passionate marriage, you would have a totally different view. I think you really want someone to love you and you aren't getting that so you are hanging onto what you think you had with the xMM. I also don't get how you can say you aren't jealousy minded because it tore you apart when the MM stayed with his wife. If you were having the mind blowing out of this world sex with someone you were married to and loved, you are saying that if you didn't do it for him, you would hope he would go find that with someone else?

 

Yuck. Sorry, like so many others, I don't share my spouse and I sure as hell won't sit there so he can go get off (pun intended) with someone else and then come home to me. No thanks.

 

Additionally, sex is only a part of marriage - because one day, sex won't be happening. If you don't have a strong, solid foundation, you won't last with the person when sex is gone.