BS prefers long term OW

[whichwayisup]

Imagine that ones peers are all either f***ed off with their Ms or new to them. Imagine the best sex you ever had. No really, imagine that only better. Imagine the one you love having that. I would want my H to experience it. But I am not jealously minded. At the moment. I imagine many things. I do not imagine I would ever want to keep someone in a box where they could not have sex if that was in some way beautiful for them.

 

Possesive love is not love. Imagine that.

 

And selfish love isn't love either.

 

This isn't about being possesive, it's about a marriage, vows promised and one thing that most people expect from their spouse is honesty and not f*king others. And it's not about jealously either, it's about committment and living up to the promises one makes to their spouse. Either in a marriage or a relationship. Cheating, lying, betraying, gaslighting, playing games - All that stuff I'm pretty sure NOONE wants in their marriage.

[carrie999]

It occurred to me that a BS may actually prefer that their spouse cheats with the same woman because she is "safe". There is security in knowing that WS is not having multiple liaisons but strictly devoted to one "friend".

 

Any thoughts?

 

Interesting thought. Nobody is fully okay with a cheating spouse (maybe some are, but I can't imagine it's true), but you might be right. It might be easier to live in denial that you are married to someone who is unfaithful to you if it's just one woman who is a "friend."

 

That would explain why my MM's wife hasn't done anything about us yet. She continues to appear to believe that we are just extremely close friends, and that there is no reason to be jealous or suspicious, despite the reality that she has to see...unless she is intentionally deluding herself.

 

I wonder if she is just so insecure and/or dependent on him that it's easier for her to accept my growing and very constant presence in their lives than to confront him and risk losing him. She likes me, and we get along well, and maybe she would rather lose a piece of him to someone "safe" than to drive me away and wonder if he'll find someone (or many) to take my place.

 

Her appearance of acceptance is sad enough that it will likely be the thing to drive me away from MM, because I hate knowing that she is hurting enough (whether she knows everything or nothing at all) to just accept his distance, in the form of being very attached to me, so completely.

 

And maybe this is part of her plan, since she's too afraid of confrontation. Maybe she understands that while we're both behaving terribly, one or both of us will stop this for her sake. And she's just biding her time, hoping that he will learn from this and be newly devoted to her, without her ever having to actually "know" what happened between us.

[woinlove]

Interesting thought. Nobody is fully okay with a cheating spouse (maybe some are, but I can't imagine it's true), but you might be right. It might be easier to live in denial that you are married to someone who is unfaithful to you if it's just one woman who is a "friend."

 

That would explain why my MM's wife hasn't done anything about us yet. She continues to appear to believe that we are just extremely close friends, and that there is no reason to be jealous or suspicious, despite the reality that she has to see...unless she is intentionally deluding herself.

 

I wonder if she is just so insecure and/or dependent on him that it's easier for her to accept my growing and very constant presence in their lives than to confront him and risk losing him. She likes me, and we get along well, and maybe she would rather lose a piece of him to someone "safe" than to drive me away and wonder if he'll find someone (or many) to take my place.

 

Her appearance of acceptance is sad enough that it will likely be the thing to drive me away from MM, because I hate knowing that she is hurting enough (whether she knows everything or nothing at all) to just accept his distance, in the form of being very attached to me, so completely.

 

And maybe this is part of her plan, since she's too afraid of confrontation. Maybe she understands that while we're both behaving terribly, one or both of us will stop this for her sake. And she's just biding her time, hoping that he will learn from this and be newly devoted to her, without her ever having to actually "know" what happened between us.

 

From the experiences of BS and WS/AP I have seen, I get the impression that the WS/AP tend to think the BS knows more than they do while the BS usually feels completely blindsided when they find out, even when they had some suspicions. It seems that faithful spouses trust even when they shouldn't. When a friend is also involved, they may trust the friend too.

 

Trust, like love, usually builds up over years, and it can be quite robust. When it is destroyed, then the difference between knowing and not knowing typically becomes obvious to all involved.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I actually don't know about that one.

 

Well, to me - cheating would be a deal breaker anyways.

 

But if a BS is "accepting" of the affair (?)

I think that only 1 OW would be more of a threat - mainly because if its long term, the WS would actually have an emotional attachement to that OW.

 

Whereas, with multiple people, its more likely that its just sex and no emotional investment is made.

 

Either way - I personally think it all sucks, and no one should actually "put up" with being lied to and deceived.

 

Interesting post. Thanks.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I understand your post. I do think some women would prefer a stable partner for their husband. One that possibly is married as well. In a whole, safety from std's might be the issue and not wanting him to roam from women to women and get attached emotionaly. It would mean the risk of love being a factor when he's only with one but it's a risk some people take. Sometimes couple even swap wives.

 

I know men who cheat with many women. Risk it all... They also cheat internationally. Take trips out of the country to a tropical island of their choice and get a full fledged line up of all availble women willing to do every and anything under the sun.

 

So even though it sounds rediculous ... I get what you mean blissfullyoblivious

 

 

I know you get it!

[blissfullyoblivious]

It is really sad when a marriage gets to that point.

 

Totally agree. To be honest that is how I should have started the post.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I cannot imagine a situation where anyone would prefer either. I get the question in the OP, but if two women were accepting of a situation like that (both OW and BS), I feel they would accept just about anything and are a rather pathetic pair.

 

Noted and agreed.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I think that's really kind of the point...the OP wanted people's thoughts on the comparison of the two...if someone might prefer one over the other.

 

The response from most of those who have been BS's in the past is that it doesn't matter...they don't prefer one over the other, both are pretty much equally devestating/damaging/etc...

 

So the general response I've got from this thread is that the OP has had her question answered with a "nope, no preference, both equally bad" indication.

 

Seems to be right in line with answering the OP's question, IMHO.

 

 

My question has been answered and the precis above is great.

[blissfullyoblivious]

IMO the long term is the final deal breaker period, multipule flings are ridiculous to say the least it shows that you have zero impulse control what so ever. But the whole idea of the long term states that you are willing to establish another enduring itimate relationship outside of the one that you are in. It shows that you have gone well past any type of remorse for what you are doing to your primary partner. How could the BS ever even try to work anything out with a WS that for all intensive purposes is in love with someone else. How would this make the BS feel like this is okay because it's the same person, for OVER A YEAR? if anything it adds more to the betrayal.[sIZE=3][FONT=Consolas] [/FONT][/sIZE]

 

 

I appreciate your insight. However, if the BS is sure that MM is not going to leave her there is incentive to do nothing whilst the affair runs it course.

[blissfullyoblivious]

I would rather he (if I truly loved him) did not develop feelings of equal weight with another. But even that I could let go of if it made him happy, and it were only equal.

 

If he loved her more, I would bow out.

 

I would find a whole load of serial cheating to be anathema. I don't do sex like that. I would rather he loved her at least some. Because otherwise he is capable of using for sex, or using sex to get off and not to unite in a more spiritual/meaningful way.

 

I wouldn't mind if he did sex once or a few times to work that out. As long as he did.

 

I am a lot more interested in love than in faithfulness.

 

 

In truth, when in love I will not sleep with another. But that's just me. And I wasn't always like that.

 

Anyway, I wish people would lighten up about infidelity. It would save a lot of heartache. I think lightening would solve more problems than condemnation does.

 

Just the way I'm thinking right now.

 

 

 

I believe that MM is the only one that knows how he feels. If he can have everything he wants why would he, in that situation, ruin the status quo by telling the truth?

Edited March 5, 2011 by blissfullyoblivious
spelling, grammar

[blissfullyoblivious]

Interesting thought. Nobody is fully okay with a cheating spouse (maybe some are, but I can't imagine it's true), but you might be right. It might be easier to live in denial that you are married to someone who is unfaithful to you if it's just one woman who is a "friend."

 

That would explain why my MM's wife hasn't done anything about us yet. She continues to appear to believe that we are just extremely close friends, and that there is no reason to be jealous or suspicious, despite the reality that she has to see...unless she is intentionally deluding herself.

 

I wonder if she is just so insecure and/or dependent on him that it's easier for her to accept my growing and very constant presence in their lives than to confront him and risk losing him. She likes me, and we get along well, and maybe she would rather lose a piece of him to someone "safe" than to drive me away and wonder if he'll find someone (or many) to take my place.

 

Her appearance of acceptance is sad enough that it will likely be the thing to drive me away from MM, because I hate knowing that she is hurting enough (whether she knows everything or nothing at all) to just accept his distance, in the form of being very attached to me, so completely.

 

And maybe this is part of her plan, since she's too afraid of confrontation. Maybe she understands that while we're both behaving terribly, one or both of us will stop this for her sake. And she's just biding her time, hoping that he will learn from this and be newly devoted to her, without her ever having to actually "know" what happened between us.

 

I understand where you are coming from. But look after yourself first. You need your own life and other relationships in case things do not pan out and you are left wondering what happened.

[Summer Breeze]

nah, a violation of trust is a violation of trust, period.

 

And if he could cheat on me with you, how can YOU be so sure he is not cheating on you with others?

 

Because the cheater says so?

 

Nope. It goes to character. If that line is crossed once without consequences, that line may be crossed constantly, even on you, the OW!

 

Faith and actions. The same way you are sure your H won't cheat on you now. If you love someone you have to give them chances and if they cross that line then you react.

 

I knew I couldn't ever allow myself to trust xH again so I ended it immediately. I also know my xMM and if we ever had married I would have trusted him implicitly until he gave me reason not to.

[Summer Breeze]

I would prefer a long term other woman who cooks well, likes to clean, do yard work and doesn't mind dog sitting while we are on vacation. I would also prefer one that could do my nails and give me a blow out before date nights. Unfortunately, no one ever asked my preferences.

 

 

This is so much like an email sent to me by xMMs W after dday 3 or 4. It was dripping with sarcasm and I merely said I'd be glad to do all that for her if she was happy to reciprocate and do the same for me. To the comment about taking care of the cats while they were on holiday I told her it might have given justification to the calls that he kept making to me.

 

OT-I'm of the mind cheating is cheating and who it's with isn't of any consequence. My xH cheated on me and that was all I needed to know.

Edited March 5, 2011 by Summer Breeze

[Silly_Girl]

Faith and actions. The same way you are sure your H won't cheat on you now. If you love someone you have to give them chances and if they cross that line then you react.

 

I knew I couldn't ever allow myself to trust xH again so I ended it immediately. I also know my xMM and if we ever had married I would have trusted him implicitly until he gave me reason not to.

 

I can really relate to this entirely. Thank you.

[xxoo]

I feel a lot for honesty. But I see that our culture makes it easier to explore in a spirit of deceit.

 

How many MPs are going to say OK f*** her, get off on that emotional involvement, be yourself.

 

None so far on LS. I think I'd be up for that (for the B?S and for me), but I might be certifiably unfaithful by now.

 

But anyway, I care about honesty.

 

Count one.

 

I've told H this much, in no uncertain terms. Easy for me to say, possibly, because he insists it will never, ever happen, lol. But I've been open about my preferences should he ever feel that desire for another woman.

 

I want monogamy, but I need honesty.

 

Given the choices in the op, I can't see how one would be any better or worse than the other.

[OWoman]

WTH?!

 

Uh, no, sex WILL NOT BE GONE!!!

 

I got married because I love my man, and I love sleeping with him.

 

THE TRUTH IS THAT SEX DOES NOT HAVE TO END.

 

Hell, even if they are impotent, they still have a tongue!

 

Agree completely!!!!

 

I am so glad I am not M to someone who plans to pull the plug on our sex life because he deems that sex is only permissible / appropriate / dignified / worth the effort until the age of (whenever). I think that kind of attitude would constitute grounds for D! (or annulment?)

 

Maybe some women yearn to grow cobwebs in their cookiejar but I'm not one of them!

[wheelwright]

Wheelwright, I think you are still so hung up on the xMM and you have no love or lust whatsoever for your M that you really can't understand those that truly love their spouse and have NO desire to want their spouse to enjoy a mind blowing sexual experience with someone else.

 

I think if you were in a loving, passionate marriage, you would have a totally different view. I think you really want someone to love you and you aren't getting that so you are hanging onto what you think you had with the xMM. I also don't get how you can say you aren't jealousy minded because it tore you apart when the MM stayed with his wife. If you were having the mind blowing out of this world sex with someone you were married to and loved, you are saying that if you didn't do it for him, you would hope he would go find that with someone else?

 

Yuck. Sorry, like so many others, I don't share my spouse and I sure as hell won't sit there so he can go get off (pun intended) with someone else and then come home to me. No thanks.

 

Additionally, sex is only a part of marriage - because one day, sex won't be happening. If you don't have a strong, solid foundation, you won't last with the person when sex is gone.

 

I really liked this reply. Thanks FO.

 

That's not least because it provokes me.

 

Maybe you are right about the first point. Would I really want H to enjoy the mind-blowing stuff if I felt I couldn't fulfill him but yet wanted to?

 

But I would only want to if the R was ship shape. Oh well.

 

I am not jealously minded, because I see at once that it is a self-defeating way to feel. I see that with my soul. But I was torn apart by the loss I felt after my A. It wasn't about jealousy though. If someone wants to be with someone else, to my exclusion, it means they prefer something to me. That's Ok. But I did grieve in this case.

 

If you build your M on something better and more important that sex then I am sure it is not built on the proverbial sand.

 

However, for me sex has been wholly unsatisying or even sick if there has not been the prerequisite love involved. It's how I am. I am careful about who I do that with.

 

And you can't have a M where you feel that all important union is not right. I agree it won't last when the sex is gone. But for me, even the sex being there in the first place is huge.

 

It means a trust of souls.

[wheelwright]

]If I understand correctly' date=' you are suggesting maybe more people should lighten up with respect to emotional and/or physical monogamy, not about deception.[/b'] I agree most on LS, even many of those involved in affairs, think monogamy is very important. One of the posters who gave me the most flak for being in an open M was involved in a secret affair. I found that curious since, for me, I'm happiest when my words, actions and values line up consistently. Maybe cultural influence plays a role, or maybe some in affairs see their (or their AP's) behavior a one-time exception to their ideal of monogamy.

 

I am not promoting deception or infidelity.

 

But I find both understandable given the cultural climate.

 

And I did make my AP the exception. And there were aspects of it that were so beautiful it still takes my breath away. And it was for the selfish experience of that that I did something very ugly to my H.

 

I can live with myself for that. Though I wondered if I could for a while.

[neveragain1]

dimwits?

 

yup. its ok to call us dimwits on this site. depends on which side of the fence the name-caller is on.

 

 

BTW, it seems that some here are gunning for a certain response from BS which is not forthcoming.

 

you notice that too eh?

[Silly_Girl]

Additionally, sex is only a part of marriage - because one day, sex won't be happening. If you don't have a strong, solid foundation, you won't last with the person when sex is gone.

 

Sex is a PART of marriage but I wouldn't accept that sexual intimacy merely 'won't be there one day'. How terribly sad. Communication is a PART of marriage and I'd expect that to carry on too. And the friendship. And the laughs.

 

In fact if you build a marriage on any single aspect then I'd say the outlook isn't good. But I certainly wouldn't enter a R expecting the sex to stop. Hell no!

[neveragain1]

Sex is a PART of marriage but I wouldn't accept that sexual intimacy merely 'won't be there one day'.

 

really? men don't eventually have "it" shrivel up, and women stay wet forever eh?

 

 

But I certainly wouldn't enter a R expecting the sex to stop. Hell no!

 

well then I feel sorry for any man that would end up with a condition, through no fault of his own, where he couldn't perform in his later years if he wound up with you.

[silktricks]

Sex is a PART of marriage but I wouldn't accept that sexual intimacy merely 'won't be there one day'. How terribly sad. Communication is a PART of marriage and I'd expect that to carry on too. And the friendship. And the laughs.

 

In fact if you build a marriage on any single aspect then I'd say the outlook isn't good. But I certainly wouldn't enter a R expecting the sex to stop. Hell no!

 

Me neither!!! It does my heart good to read the newer statistics showing that the healthiest aspect is to continue to have sex regularly into their eighties and nineties.

[Spark1111]

Faith and actions. The same way you are sure your H won't cheat on you now. If you love someone you have to give them chances and if they cross that line then you react.

 

I knew I couldn't ever allow myself to trust xH again so I ended it immediately. I also know my xMM and if we ever had married I would have trusted him implicitly until he gave me reason not to.

 

I NEVER said I was sure he wouldn't cheat on me again. I said "Never say Never," in any romantic relationship.

 

And the weeks after DDAY, when I finally and with relief, discovered his OW, I also discovered flirty emails to old hs girlfriends, current co-workers and porn accounts, too! He was trawling the waters for a new and improved OW, I guess.

 

So, my advice is don't you NEVER say NEVER, either!

[OWoman]

really? men don't eventually have "it" shrivel up, and women stay wet forever eh?

 

I've never heard of men shrivelling up. At what age is it supposed to happen? I know couples in their 90s who still have active sex lives.

 

 

well then I feel sorry for any man that would end up with a condition, through no fault of his own, where he couldn't perform in his later years if he wound up with you.

 

I'm sure if Mr Silly did develop Motor Neurone Disease, she'd design a gadget which he could operate with an eyeblink, being the resourceful type

[neveragain1]

I am not promoting deception or infidelity.

 

But I find both understandable given the cultural climate.

 

And I did make my AP the exception. And there were aspects of it that were so beautiful it still takes my breath away.

 

don't know your story, but hopefully you are now divorced mainly because of the bolded part. I don't think your H should have to suffer by comparison the rest of his life.