BS prefers long term OW

[neveragain1]

I've never heard of men shrivelling up.

 

and expression basically

 

I know couples in their 90s who still have active sex lives.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm sure if Mr Silly did develop Motor Neurone Disease, she'd design a gadget which he could operate with an eyeblink, being the resourceful type

 

nah, she'd go out and cheat

[Silly_Girl]

really? men don't eventually have "it" shrivel up, and women stay wet forever eh?

 

 

 

 

well then I feel sorry for any man that would end up with a condition, through no fault of his own, where he couldn't perform in his later years if he wound up with you.

 

 

Ditto regarding any partner of yours if 'sexual intimacy' consists purely of bonking.

[neveragain1]

Ditto regarding any partner of yours if 'sexual intimacy' consists purely of bonking.

 

I'm talking about people that would hurt their partners if something happened that they had no control over. In other words, so much for loving and caring about someone:p

[silktricks]

 

 

 

The fact that you could respond thusly to the idea of sex between loving people in their nineties shows a lot about your character and lack of same.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm talking about people that would hurt their partners if something happened that they had no control over. In other words, so much for loving and caring about someone:p

 

Well then you posted erroneously in response to a post of mine, because I said nothing in that vein. I think you got a little mixed up.

[silktricks]

I'm talking about people that would hurt their partners if something happened that they had no control over. In other words, so much for loving and caring about someone:p

And you are the person who started the thought that this would happen. So you (as usual) are using your arguments to bolster your arguments, all based on nothing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Obviously, you cannot unring the bell!

MM has cheated and BS has found out. I was wondering whether a single realtionship was easier to deal with than multiple partners. Not necessarily from the safe sex perspective (abstinence is the only guarantee) but from only having to worry about the one person that turned the spouses head.

 

It seems to me that there is a belief that people only enter into affairs to "win" the WS. However, not all relationships have marriage as an end goal. Frankly, it would be a poor risk betting on someone who enjoyed cheating.

No matter how remorseful the cheater is when caught they damn well enjoyed what they were doing at the time.

 

To be blunt: yes one person would gave been MUCH easier to deal with. At least there would be some human element there. Instead of multiples where it us all just about body parts and physical sensations that are new, thrilling and never get old.

[dreamingoftigers]

I would prefer a long term other woman who cooks well, likes to clean, do yard work and doesn't mind dog sitting while we are on vacation. I would also prefer one that could do my nails and give me a blow out before date nights. Unfortunately, no one ever asked my preferences.

 

Blahaha, I might've even encouraged a relationship like this! Especially if he offered me up a pool boy in exchange!

 

(actually my H and I used to joke around about me having an affair with "the pool boy" before he was caught cheating. I miss those carefree days where I would joke about going to see the pool boy and he would respond all excitedly "we have a pool!?")

[dreamingoftigers]

I would rather he (if I truly loved him) did not develop feelings of equal weight with another. But even that I could let go of if it made him happy, and it were only equal.

 

If he loved her more, I would bow out.

 

I would find a whole load of serial cheating to be anathema. I don't do sex like that. I would rather he loved her at least some. Because otherwise he is capable of using for sex, or using sex to get off and not to unite in a more spiritual/meaningful way.

 

I wouldn't mind if he did sex once or a few times to work that out. As long as he did.

 

I am a lot more interested in love than in faithfulness.

 

In truth, when in love I will not sleep with another. But that's just me. And I wasn't always like that.

 

Anyway, I wish people would lighten up about infidelity. It would save a lot of heartache. I think lightening would solve more problems than condemnation

does.

 

Just the way I'm thinking right now.

 

Do you not love your husband?

[dreamingoftigers]

Agree completely!!!!

 

I am so glad I am not M to someone who plans to pull the plug on our sex life because he deems that sex is only permissible / appropriate / dignified / worth the effort until the age of (whenever). I think that kind of attitude would constitute grounds for D! (or annulment?)

 

Maybe some women yearn to grow cobwebs in their cookiejar but I'm not one of them!

 

Me neither! I hope my life ends because my 104 year ok'd heart gave out right after all of the delightful night-long pounding!

[Summer Breeze]

I NEVER said I was sure he wouldn't cheat on me again. I said "Never say Never," in any romantic relationship.

 

And the weeks after DDAY, when I finally and with relief, discovered his OW, I also discovered flirty emails to old hs girlfriends, current co-workers and porn accounts, too! He was trawling the waters for a new and improved OW, I guess.

 

So, my advice is don't you NEVER say NEVER, either!

 

I'm sorry I don't think my post was worded well. You never did say that but you have to have faith and belief he won't or you wouldn't be giving him the chance. You are taking his actions and your history and your faith and moving forward. It's just as anyone would do in any R whether it's reconciling partners or a M comprised of APs.

 

I agree you never say never. Actually, in my advanced years, I'm believing you pretty much most of the time should say pretty much most of the time. That's sad to me.

[neveragain1]

The fact that you could respond thusly to the idea of sex between loving people in their nineties shows a lot about your character and lack of same.

 

better to be a loyal, faithful partner who doesn't find that much attraction, much less energy, in one's 90's as opposed to the character of a cheater that would betray someone no matter what the excuse.

[Silly_Girl]

better to be a loyal, faithful partner who doesn't find that much attraction, much less energy, in one's 90's as opposed to the character of a cheater that would betray someone no matter what the excuse.

 

Are you suggesting anyone still shagging in to their 90's is a cheat?

 

You're a funny one, NG.

[neveragain1]

Are you suggesting anyone still shagging in to their 90's is a cheat?

 

 

no

[2sure]

I actually know 2 long time married women who, basically because of financial/social status and convenience turn a blind eye to their husbands "dalliances". Regardless of what I personally think....they DO have a comfort level knowing he has one friend long term.

 

They arent threatened because...obviously he isnt leaving for her.

 

But thats about it because in the back of their heads, they also know there are probably others they dont know about.

 

Also - both of these women are having affairs and the husbands wouldnt believe it if they caught them in the act.

[BB07]

I actually know 2 long time married women who, basically because of financial/social status and convenience turn a blind eye to their husbands "dalliances". Regardless of what I personally think....they DO have a comfort level knowing he has one friend long term.

 

They arent threatened because...obviously he isnt leaving for her.

 

But thats about it because in the back of their heads, they also know there are probably others they dont know about.

 

Also - both of these women are having affairs and the husbands wouldnt believe it if they caught them in the act.

 

In my struggle to learn more about how I ended up where I did, I have spent some time reading over at that other infidelity forum and I have read some postings of the exact thing that you know of in real life. Granted they didn't seem to find it painful but who knows how they really feel but I can see that it's certainly possible.

Edited March 8, 2011 by BB07

[wheelwright]

And selfish love isn't love either.

 

This isn't about being possesive, it's about a marriage, vows promised and one thing that most people expect from their spouse is honesty and not f*king others. And it's not about jealously either, it's about committment and living up to the promises one makes to their spouse. Either in a marriage or a relationship. Cheating, lying, betraying, gaslighting, playing games - All that stuff I'm pretty sure NOONE wants in their marriage.

 

Imagine all the things you really care about. If any single one of them involves your SO not making love with another, because you think that would mean something bad, then go think again.

 

Gaslighting is bad, but oftentimes that's what's going to happen if we are not allowed openly to make love with new people.

 

The more reasons I hear for people to keep their partner's faithful, the less enamoured of that idea I am.

 

Basically, I think there is a case for thinking:

 

Most M couples are s**t scared of change. Most have kids, and that makes it more difficult.

 

On the whole, there is a cultural wind which says fidelity is the way. And it makes people who question that quail.

 

The only people capable of change are courageous. But the majority of WSs are status quo types. That's why APs, whether love or fog or cheating seldom make the grade.

 

'Courage is the price life exacts for peace of mind'. A Earhart.

 

But then she died and no-one found the body.

[donnamaybe]

Imagine all the things you really care about. If any single one of them involves your SO not making love with another, because you think that would mean something bad, then go think again.

 

Gaslighting is bad, but oftentimes that's what's going to happen if we are not allowed openly to make love with new people.

People are free to screw whoever they want. However, if they want a partner who doesn't mind that, all they have to do is choose that type of partner.

 

How difficult is that to comprehend?

[Owl]

Imagine all the things you really care about. If any single one of them involves your SO not making love with another, because you think that would mean something bad, then go think again.

 

Gaslighting is bad, but oftentimes that's what's going to happen if we are not allowed openly to make love with new people.

 

The more reasons I hear for people to keep their partner's faithful, the less enamoured of that idea I am.

 

Basically, I think there is a case for thinking:

 

Most M couples are s**t scared of change. Most have kids, and that makes it more difficult.

 

On the whole, there is a cultural wind which says fidelity is the way. And it makes people who question that quail.

 

The only people capable of change are courageous. But the majority of WSs are status quo types. That's why APs, whether love or fog or cheating seldom make the grade.

 

'Courage is the price life exacts for peace of mind'. A Earhart.

 

But then she died and no-one found the body.

 

If the agreemant you entered into with your significant other included provisions for "being with" someone else...then there's no reason for any gaslighting or lying, right?

 

There are thousands/millions of people out there in relationships that have this provision..."open marriages".

 

But...if that's NOT what you agreed to...and you decide to change the terms of your marriage UNILATERALLY, and WITHOUT INFORMING YOUR SPOUSE...how can you possibly see that as 'ok' in any fashion?

 

Sorry WW...your logic simply doesn't make any sense here.

 

When faced with the choices...lying so that you can "be" with someone else knowing that it's going to hurt the person you claim to love and promised fidellity to is wrong. That simple, and no matter what kind of pretty language you try to tie into it, you don't change that fact.

 

If people are that unhappy in their relationship...and opt to try a relationship with someone new...they owe it to the person they're currently with to be honest, and either end it or get the agreemant to change their relationship to "open".

[Spark1111]

Imagine all the things you really care about. If any single one of them involves your SO not making love with another, because you think that would mean something bad, then go think again.

 

Gaslighting is bad, but oftentimes that's what's going to happen if we are not allowed openly to make love with new people.

 

The more reasons I hear for people to keep their partner's faithful, the less enamoured of that idea I am.

 

Basically, I think there is a case for thinking:

 

Most M couples are s**t scared of change. Most have kids, and that makes it more difficult.

 

On the whole, there is a cultural wind which says fidelity is the way. And it makes people who question that quail.

 

The only people capable of change are courageous. But the majority of WSs are status quo types. That's why APs, whether love or fog or cheating seldom make the grade.

 

'Courage is the price life exacts for peace of mind'. A Earhart.

 

But then she died and no-one found the body.

 

WW, some marriages are contractual. Some are because it was time to; time to buy a house; time to have kids. Some are about love, the kind you had with you MM.

 

Imagine you and he wind up marrying. Imagine he cheats on you; either a ONS, or a long-term AP.

 

Are you a status quo type? Or are you a woman deeply devastated? Or are you scared to make changes now?

 

Or should he have told you? What would have hurt you more?

 

The act or the dishonesty? With the man who took your breath away?

[wheelwright]

WW, some marriages are contractual. Some are because it was time to; time to buy a house; time to have kids. Some are about love, the kind you had with you MM.

 

Imagine you and he wind up marrying. Imagine he cheats on you; either a ONS, or a long-term AP.

 

Are you a status quo type? Or are you a woman deeply devastated? Or are you scared to make changes now?

 

Or should he have told you? What would have hurt you more?

 

The act or the dishonesty? With the man who took your breath away?

 

Honestly Spark I don't know. The straight thinking went out of the window when I loved like I did and it wasn't my H.

 

I do believe that honesty is an essential component of love. But we all withold if we believe what we say will hurt. That is a natural and compassionate stance. Although in the case of As, and other misdemeanors, short-sighted and less understandable.

 

Because you have something to gain from your silence/deception.

 

It's hard to see the motive, and it is probably a mixed one anyway.

 

If I believe someone loves me then I can understand their infidelity if it is occasional - I mean years apart here. I am attracted to people who are interested in others. I would want those others to come up short compared to me!

 

If I felt the infidelity showed a lack of love then I would be devastated by that. Most times the hurt is about that. The lies are just a symptom. I'm not sure they would be the problem. They are an indication of a character deficit in the perpetrator, which if I love that person, I would have isolated already.

 

We have to lie when we tread the line between hurting those we care about and being honest with them. But we can remain honest in many ways as we relate to them and care about them. As take away from this. So long term infidelity would hit me hard. But not because of the lies.

 

Outright against the fact lies go against the grain in me. But for others this is not so. They tread the line differently.

[wheelwright]

I just have one question regarding this. what??

 

 

if you want to #### new people, then become single.

 

Yes I have wondered about this too, and it's looking likely.

 

But not because I want to **** new people. In fact, across the span of the last 20 years that I have been in a R with my H, I have wanted to **** 7 other men. Of the hundreds I have met, a higher number of which have wanted to **** me.

 

Of those 7, I abstained happily with 4, had a fling with one, a ONS with another, and an A with the last. Only the A was within the timescale of the M.

 

H knows all and has had his own experiences of sex outside the R.

 

Currently there is no-one I want to ****.

 

And I am happy I had those experiences. I do not meet people who I want to do that with very often, and there has to be something extra anyway to make me really want to.

 

I think an open R would be wrong in some ways, but maybe.

 

I didn't want to be single when I signed up. I wanted to make it work. I have been through all the guilt a WS could. But a deep part of me thinks it is the culture that is wrong and not me.

 

I have never wanted to own another, and likewise I do not want to be owned.

 

I wanted M to mean I was decided about who I was going to be. But there were elements in the M which made me change and realise stuff. And that could happen to a partner I was involved with.

 

And I hope I could see their needs, because my own security was within myself and not wrapped up in them.

 

I hope this makes clear that I am not talking about sex and indiscriminate ****ing.

[wheelwright]

If the agreemant you entered into with your significant other included provisions for "being with" someone else...then there's no reason for any gaslighting or lying, right?

 

When faced with the choices...lying so that you can "be" with someone else knowing that it's going to hurt the person you claim to love and promised fidellity to is wrong. That simple, and no matter what kind of pretty language you try to tie into it, you don't change that fact.

 

If people are that unhappy in their relationship...and opt to try a relationship with someone new...they owe it to the person they're currently with to be honest, and either end it or get the agreemant to change their relationship to "open".

 

I agree. But I am talking about the post-A stuff in part. And in the end, honesty does usually come out in As.

 

I guess I am mentioning the right to do something for yourself, and tell another person later. Because it won't suit anyone to be told at the time.

 

Like if your friend is wearing a dress that makes her bum look far too big, or small for that matter. You won't tell her till the dinner party is over. Unless you enjoy a certain sado-masochistic frisson.

 

Or you will dress it down - till it's over. It's sensible.

 

Eventually you owe it them, cos you never want them to look bad in that dress again. Once they are wearing the dress, there's no going back.

 

In the case of an A, you feel worse of course because you bought the dress and encouraged them to wear it. It was only after, you decided it was a bad idea.

 

I am fed up with the conversation about lies here. (That's about me not other posters).

 

We will lie if we betray. Because we want it to last and because we know we owe you more and we don't want you to know.

 

We know it won't really last - that it will be found out and we will make our choices and our SO theirs. The lies are temporary, and therefore forgivable.

 

If MPs allowed As, then there would be no need for lies. But as there is a need for As, lies are inevitable.

[wheelwright]

People are free to screw whoever they want. However, if they want a partner who doesn't mind that, all they have to do is choose that type of partner.

 

How difficult is that to comprehend?

 

I think already happened with me and H. We had a within reason understanding.

 

We had both forgiven each other in the past before M.

 

But I fell in love. And that hurt. You can't insure against it, can you?

 

And you can't decide ahead of time how you will react if it happens. You don't expect it, and then there are kids too.

 

It's not about screwing for me. I'm not sure if we can write into the M contract 'you won't fall in love'.

 

But I recognise that falling in love is held in small esteem in some quarters.

[WorldIsYours]

I just have one question regarding this. what??

 

 

if you want to #### new people, then become single.

 

Exactly. Don't hurt your family because you want new booty.