What does she mean... anyone?

[20Seconds]

Whatever this affair is about (and yes, you are already having one), its not about sex.

 

You haven't even done it yet

[Happy Finally]

Thanks for the insight. I understand the consequences. I have accepted them. It is no worse than what is actually occurring in my marriage.

 

I did try to go to counseling. She doesn't wan to, she doesn't want anything but to be eye candy for a bunch of guys. She took a picture of her new hair cut and posted in on FB..amazingly her tits were really the center of the shot. A whole bunch of the guys from back home made comments about it and their "missed opportunities". I log on to accept a friend request and whoa la..there it all is. She's at work so I send a text saying that that crap was inappropriate and why she didn't tell them to knock it off. She instead egged it on. When I said it was rude and disrespectful...she just said stop policing through my posts....I said your on their as my wife...they show up at the top of my profile......she just started calling me an ahole and other names.

 

I enjoy the conversation with this OW. I like it. I like the laughing, the jokes, the actual for real conversation where I am not being ridiculed for screwing her life up (what she says). Although I adopted her illegitimate son. I met her, I changed his diapers, paid for her college, was there to help...but I screwed her life up because I moved her away from home to pursue a career that was better for everyone (and we both agreed to do it). I enjoy the talking..I may have feelings for this OW....I just don't know if she does for me because of the all the boundary talk...truthfully I really don't care...I just enjoy the talking.

[fooled once]

I'm actually getting the sense that SHE may be getting emotionally invested already and she keeps reiterating "No emotional involvement - that's our rule!!!"

more to convince herself than anything....

 

just a thought....

 

That's also my take as a woman!

 

If you are truly looking for no strings attached sex, it is NOT going to be this woman.....

 

She keeps repeating herself because she is confused and is maybe already growing emotionally attached to you.

 

If that is NOT what you want, then you should move on. She sounds fragile, and after sex, you will want to rescue her, and then you will be in a full-blown emotional and physical affair.

 

Reconsider.

 

Completely agree.

 

It is a rare woman who can have sex with out emotions/caring.

 

SHE is getting attached - she is turning to you for emotional support - which is a HUGE thing with females.

 

And she is the problem in her marriage - she is choosing to open her marriage without her husband's consent. She is choosing to 'lean on' someone else besides him

 

Instead of fixing her marriage, she is going to not only emotionally cheat, but physically cheat.

[BB07]

Thanks for the insight. I understand the consequences. I have accepted them. It is no worse than what is actually occurring in my marriage.

 

I did try to go to counseling. She doesn't wan to, she doesn't want anything but to be eye candy for a bunch of guys. She took a picture of her new hair cut and posted in on FB..amazingly her tits were really the center of the shot. A whole bunch of the guys from back home made comments about it and their "missed opportunities". I log on to accept a friend request and whoa la..there it all is. She's at work so I send a text saying that that crap was inappropriate and why she didn't tell them to knock it off. She instead egged it on. When I said it was rude and disrespectful...she just said stop policing through my posts....I said your on their as my wife...they show up at the top of my profile......she just started calling me an ahole and other names.

 

I enjoy the conversation with this OW. I like it. I like the laughing, the jokes, the actual for real conversation where I am not being ridiculed for screwing her life up (what she says). Although I adopted her illegitimate son. I met her, I changed his diapers, paid for her college, was there to help...but I screwed her life up because I moved her away from home to pursue a career that was better for everyone (and we both agreed to do it). I enjoy the talking..I may have feelings for this OW....I just don't know if she does for me because of the all the boundary talk...truthfully I really don't care...I just enjoy the talking.

 

You and your wife have big problems and you need to resolve that one way or the other before you get yourself into a even more complicated situation. I see you are very unhappy in your marriage but an affair won't fix it, it won't fix you nor your unhappiness. You might think it does for a while because it gives you something else to focus on and it distracts you from your miserable marriage but eventually things will blow up in your face and you are going to have to face a even worse reality than what you are dealing with now.

[whichwayisup]

You and your wife have big problems and you need to resolve that one way or the other before you get yourself into a even more complicated situation. I see you are very unhappy in your marriage but an affair won't fix it, it won't fix you nor your unhappiness. You might think it does for a while because it gives you something else to focus on and it distracts you from your miserable marriage but eventually things will blow up in your face and you are going to have to face a even worse reality than what you are dealing with now.

 

^^ very good advice.

 

take time to read other threads in this section and also in the infidelity section so you can see both sides of what an affair does to couples. You may not like who you become if you decide to go ahead and cheat.

[dare2go4it]

Can't really speak for someone else, but I can guess that what she says about boundaries is an attempt to remind herself to hold back emotionally, as much or more than it is a reminder to you. I happen to be currently single as an OW, but met my MM online, immediately after being dumped by my long-term boyfriend, and having seen him exclusively for 7 years. Both the MM and I swear up and down that we never meant to fall in love, that we were reminding and disciplining ourselves going iinto this, to keep our emotions out of it, and not allow ourselves to care deeply. Then, within hours of meeting in person, we were saying (and feeling, and meaning) that we loved each other. Now, we are in love and somewhat tortured about it, because he doesn't think he should leave his wife, but neither of us likes living a lie. SO.....I would say that she MAY be starting to fall in love with you online, or sense that that's how things could end up between the 2 of you, and so, she is writing about boundaries to try to keep the "falling in love" part from happening. I wish you both the best, and hope it all works out in the best possible way for both of you.

[neveragain1]

We are meeting to have sex...and enjoy it for a change.....unlike what we each experience in our marriage (which is absolutely nothing for both of us).

 

well but of course. ah the excitement of boffing someone new, and sneaking around.

 

if you ended up with this woman, then over time you both would get bored of having sex with the same person over and over and would be right back where you started. bored with monogomy.

 

either way, do your spouses a favor and file for divorce.

[Bionic Me]

thanks for all of the input...

 

I really appreciate the opinions, even the ones I disagee with (although the points are valid).

 

Someone wanted an update. So no last names are known because we said we wouldn't disclose them.

 

I may not know "everytthing" but I know more about her...than I knew about my wife in the first 6 months we were seeing each other. Also..you can tell when people are sincere...there's a difference, even in the chatting. We have probably wrote each other 100 times in the last week plus chatted for about 20 hours. I enjoy talking to her...she actually responds to what I say.

 

We are meeting to have sex...and enjoy it for a change.....unlike what we each experience in our marriage (which is absolutely nothing for both of us).

 

Today she told me that she is very very very attracted to me and I make her day and make her extremely happy. She says she has to be careful. It was another verbal we have rules....but then she tells me about even more stuff.....

 

 

With all due respect, this is a "CYBER" R. I can't seem to grasp the fact that there are actually people who believe all they read. Tsk, tsk, tsk...

 

Seriously bruh. This "lady" can be a dude for all you know. What a shame, what humanity has come to.

[Just a stone's throw]

HF,

You have received some really good advice and insight in this thread.

 

I am afraid though, that you will only look back on it AFTER you have met this woman and have realized that you probably could have avoided a lot of problems by taking some of this advice to heart.

 

The attention this woman is showing you is an addiction. You have not had that engagement with another human being, let alone an attractive woman, for a very long time. The emotional connection is intense. It is hard to separate yourself from that once it starts.

 

Don't kid yourself, you do have feelings for her. I think she senses that and that is why she continues to impress upon you that you both need to keep feelings out of it and respect your boundaries.

 

She's likely in it deeply too. But for her it's different. She also doesn't want to see you hurt if she turns on a dime after you two meet. If she tells you up front, "no feelings" then she can just as quickly end it after because you've set the ground rules and no feelings = we can end it whenever either party wishes.

 

Just keep all this in mind. Please keep posting and we'll all do our best to help you through this.

 

JAST

[Happy Finally]

Well we met the other day (Saturday). Some of you will hate this but it was wonderful, no sex, made out, Had fun and talked. And no she's not a dude....I can vouche for that..this is to poster that said this. We are meeting again soon. And she is hot....just like in her picture.

 

Everything has been straight forward. Yesterday she told me we had to have a serious discussion. We chatted for about three hours. She told me that she has to keep slapping herself. She has deep feelings for me, wants to be around me all the time, wants to escape away and just be near me. I feel the same way. Although I had a feeling she felt this way to have her tell me that was ..... well...I'll leave it at that. She says it scares her because she doesn't want it to get in the way of her marriage but at the same time she said I make her feel different than her husband did...she said he never made her feel like I do (I attest it to them being HS sweethearts and young when they got married, I know because that's how my wife and I were/are and look where it lead us. Now I know why people don't get married at 20).

 

On a different note. My wife and I had a discussion (my wife initiated it) last night and we are going to head for divorce. I knew it was coming. I have been getting the cold shoulder for over 3 years, no affection for two and she hasn't said she loved me in a year and a half. I told her I know she has someone in VA and I don't want to know about it. I understand that we grew apart and I am just done fighting. Something happened between us and I would rather become divorced and have a great relationship with my ex wife than end up like my parents. My brother asked me the other day why I was even still married and I told him fear. I have come to terms of my marriage ending but I hadn't come to terms with the financial ramifications (I have worked hard for what I have and to have it all go away in a snap...scary) and my kids. But yesterday those two fears were put to rest when my wife and I talked.

 

Now I know what some are thinking but no I don't expect this OW to do anything about her marriage. I am level headed and understand our situation. I enjoy her, she enjoys me and I am happy...like my screen name says finally. I know it pisses some off...but after so many years of misery...I don't really care. I enjoy this OW..immensely. Dangerous ground sure...but I know what the boundaries are as does she.

 

I still appreciate the advice.

Edited March 8, 2011 by Happy Finally

[spice4life]

Well we met the other day (Saturday). Some of you will hate this but it was wonderful, no sex, made out, Had fun and talked. And no she's not a dude....I can vouche for that..this is to poster that said this. We are meeting again soon. And she is hot....just like in her picture.

 

Everything has been straight forward. Yesterday she told me we had to have a serious discussion. We chatted for about three hours. She told me that she has to keep slapping herself. She has deep feelings for me, wants to be around me all the time, wants to escape away and just be near me. I feel the same way. Although I had a feeling she felt this way to have her tell me that was ..... well...I'll leave it at that. She says it scares her because she doesn't want it to get in the way of her marriage but at the same time she said I make her feel different than her husband did...she said he never made her feel like I do (I attest it to them being HS sweethearts and young when they got married, I know because that's how my wife and I were/are and look where it lead us. Now I know why people don't get married at 20).

 

On a different note. My wife and I had a discussion (my wife initiated it) last night and we are going to head for divorce. I knew it was coming. I have been getting the cold shoulder for over 3 years, no affection for two and she hasn't said she loved me in a year and a half. I told her I know she has someone in VA and I don't want to know about it. I understand that we grew apart and I am just done fighting. Something happened between us and I would rather become divorced and have a great relationship with my ex wife than end up like my parents. My brother asked me the other day why I was even still married and I told him fear. I have come to terms of my marriage ending but I hadn't come to terms with the financial ramifications (I have worked hard for what I have and to have it all go away in a snap...scary) and my kids. But yesterday those two fears were put to rest when my wife and I talked.

 

Now I know what some are thinking but no I don't expect this OW to do anything about her marriage. I am level headed and understand our situation. I enjoy her, she enjoys me and I am happy...like my screen name says finally. I know it pisses some off...but after so many years of misery...I don't really care. I enjoy this OW..immensely. Dangerous ground sure...but I know what the boundaries are as does she.

 

I still appreciate the advice.

 

Good for you...you are taking a stand and doing something positive about your situation instead of ignoring reality. What ever happens between you and the MW happens. But in the meantime, be proud of yourself for standing up for what you want and taking action. I think you will be fine.

 

You will probably end up on a roller coaster with your MW, so keep reading here to help you keep things in perspective. Good luck on your journey!

[East7]

She has deep feelings for me, wants to be around me all the time, wants to escape away and just be near me. I feel the same way. Although I had a feeling she felt this way to have her tell me that was ..... well...I'll leave it at that. She says it scares her because she doesn't want it to get in the way of her marriage but at the same time she said I make her feel different than her husband did...she said he never made her feel like I do (I attest it to them being HS sweethearts and young when they got married, I know because that's how my wife and I were/are and look where it lead us. Now I know why people don't get married at 20).

 

This is soooo typical... All the MW say that, believe me I have heard exactly the same thing. That you are so much amazing, "better" than the husband etc...

You are in EA and you probably will follow your feelings, no matter what posters here say, but I will just tell you one thing : don't make up dreams to be with her or have expectations because you'll be badly hurt...Just enjoy the companionship, take it easy mate !

 

On a different note. My wife and I had a discussion (my wife initiated it) last night and we are going to head for divorce. I knew it was coming. I have been getting the cold shoulder for over 3 years, no affection for two and she hasn't said she loved me in a year and a half. I told her I know she has someone in VA and I don't want to know about it. I understand that we grew apart and I am just done fighting.

You are on the right direction: if you feel the marriage is over, be honest with yourself and your W.

You'll also show to MW that you take actions, but don't expect her to do the same, she may disappoint you. Divorce for yourself, not for her.

 

 

Now I know what some are thinking but no I don't expect this OW to do anything about her marriage. I am level headed and understand our situation. I enjoy her, she enjoys me and I am happy...like my screen name says finally. I know it pisses some off...but after so many years of misery...I don't really care. I enjoy this OW..immensely. Dangerous ground sure...but I know what the boundaries are as does she.

 

I still appreciate the advice.

Well...I have some bad news for you, the blissful careless stage doesn't last. At the beginning I didn't care either my MW was married, I just enjoyed the connection, the passion..But with time, you will expect more, more time together, you will be jealous for her H, you will feel miserable when she'll go in vacations with him...ect..

Be ready for the roller-coaster..Until she doesn't say she'll leave her H, nothing positive will happen.

One thing I have learned: women don't lie ! If she says she will not divorce, she will not !

[whichwayisup]

On a different note. My wife and I had a discussion (my wife initiated it) last night and we are going to head for divorce. I knew it was coming. I have been getting the cold shoulder for over 3 years, no affection for two and she hasn't said she loved me in a year and a half. I told her I know she has someone in VA and I don't want to know about it. I understand that we grew apart and I am just done fighting. Something happened between us and I would rather become divorced and have a great relationship with my ex wife than end up like my parents. My brother asked me the other day why I was even still married and I told him fear. I have come to terms of my marriage ending but I hadn't come to terms with the financial ramifications (I have worked hard for what I have and to have it all go away in a snap...scary) and my kids. But yesterday those two fears were put to rest when my wife and I talked.

 

Kudos to you for realizing this and both you and your wife being mature, having a good conversation. This doesn't have to end in a horrible nasty way. You two will ALWAYS be in eachothers lives (to a point) because of your kids. If you two work together and be respectful always, and come from the angle of "mom and dad, still a united team" for your kids sake, then this outcome can be healthy and everyone will adjust easier. My suggestion is, do family counseling to help the kids, to help you two keep the lines of communication open and honest, always. At the end of this, you two may get along much better apart, and have a genuine respectful friendship, which will be great for your kids in the long run.

 

For now, focus on getting this part of your life settled. As for the MW, don't make her a huge priority in your life since she seems to really have no intention of ending her marriage. You may be helping her stay in her marriage, providing needs that her H can't meet.

[neveragain1]

Now I know what some are thinking but no I don't expect this OW to do anything about her marriage. I am level headed and understand our situation. I enjoy her, she enjoys me and I am happy...like my screen name says finally. I know it pisses some off...but after so many years of misery...I don't really care. I enjoy this OW..immensely. Dangerous ground sure...but I know what the boundaries are as does she.

 

well with any luck her H is skilled in MMA. or is a member of the mafia

[Carrot2000]

My wife and I had a discussion (my wife initiated it) last night and we are going to head for divorce.

 

Good for you--and your wife. Now you can end things without having to cheat your way out of your marriage. Keep your wits about you and focus your energy on making things as easy as possible for your kids.

[TurboGirl]

Wishing you all the best with the new lady and the wife.

 

You may turn a deaf ear, but BE CAREFUL. Deep feelings so so so quickly... too fast. Sounds like she is looking for an escape, a place to run to, etc. and when people are in that mode....not good. Great for your ego, though right? Ego needs to be fed and stroked after being neglected for so so very long. But I say this with past experience and in all kindness: This person is not standing on solid ground. Just as quickly as she came into your life, she can go out of it. I can't even tell you how painful that one is. Wait & see, try and slow this down.... and be careful!

[Emme]

I am happy that you are happy. It's the end of a chapter. You have an entire book left to write of your life and you will do so. Good luck with the other woman but like Turbo says above be careful. Take each day as it comes and just enjoy it for what it is. Don't fall too hard too fast.

[Flabbergaster]

Pragmatic view:

You are headed for divorce. Prepare for the worst, and expect the best.

 

Get a lawyer. You're looking for the meanest SOB you can find. Tell the lawyer what you suspect of your wife in VA.

Tell him about this woman.

 

You don't HAVE to be a complete jerk and screw your wife over in the divorce. You do have to be ready in case she tries to do that to you.

 

If she's having an A, that gives you very good position in the divorce proceedings. As in, "if she tries to take everything you own and get huge alimony, it will fail"

If you have an A now, that gives her GREAT position in the proceedings. As in, "give her everythign you own and have your paychecks sent to her until she remarries."

 

If she's treated you this poorly for so long, I would bet my house that she has already talked with a divorce lawyer about how to get 'what she thinks she deserves' from you. You need to do the same, because 'fair' might be very different for the two of you.

 

 

As to the rest...buddy tell this woman to figure out if she wants to divorce or not before you do anything more with her. All these single women that post about how much it hurts to be involved with a MM that won't leave? That's what you're setting yourself up for. See a therapist to help figure out what you want.

I would advise that you either have this woman as a 'sex friend' or a 'talk friend' and nothing in between. Yeah, i know it's hard to do that and I'm not sure what I would do, in your situation.

 

Good luck, hope it all works out.

[Happy Finally]

Wow, I just must say wow, I think today is the worst I have felt in a long long long time. I should have listened to what people are saying on here but I just kept saying, I only talked to this woman online. I have only met her once (until Saturday, which made it twice). But it hurts...worse than when my wife said she wants to end it (which has turned into a whole other story). For some reason I feel like updating everyone...I don't know why...I guess it's more for me...to unload and actually tell someone.

 

Well this Affair (which I guess was an EA and become an PA two weeks ago, not sex then but messed around, when we first met and then on Saturday, sex) has pretty much just halted and out of no where really. We met on Saturday like we planned since we first met. It was wonderful. 3 and half hours of sex, dinner, more sex and holding each other. I knew something was wrong when all of a sudden (she was laying on top of me looking at my eyes...she was doing this for about 5 minutes) and then she just got up really really fast, looked at her watch and was like...I have to go (which she didn't have to leave for at least another hour). We got dressed...she was standing there...she came over to hug me and looked at me again. I just said kiss me like you want too......she hesitated and we kissed really passionately and then she grabbed her coat and asked me to walk her to her car. I did and then she asked me to kiss her goodbye.

 

Well on Sunday I received an email. She said she cried the whole way home (we met an hour away from where we both lived, small towns..had to get away). She said her gut told her not to come but she just had to and now she hates herself because of what she did to her husband. She said the quilt is eating her alive. She said she never expected this when we first started talking. We both just planned to meet, have sex and get what neither of us were getting in our marriage. But she said the fact that she cares about someone else besides her husband is too much. She said that is why she stopped emailing me four or five times a day (although we chatted for a few hours each day). And she said that still didn't stop the feelings. She said (and not in these exact words, she beat around the bush with it) that the feelings were growing wayyyyy to fast and others were fading and this is not what she wanted. She said it hurts her to even think it got here. And then she went into this big long, I'm so so so so sorry. Don't hate, please don't hate me (she said that a lot actually). Please understand and let's remain friends.

 

And here I am today. Hurt...why? I shouldn't feel this way...we just met but it was so great talking to someone who wanted to actually talk to me ...and oh you get the picture. The sad part is that I understand. I replied back telling her that I do have strong feelings for her (it really became apparent when I read that damn email) and that I care about her. I told her that fact that she is hurting was my fault and I crossed boundaries that we talked about. I told her since I do care that the most important thing is for her to forgive herself and then just fix the issues with her husband. I told her that being friends (and I told her it hurts me to say it) is not a good idea. I said we have strong feelings and being friends and continuing to talk will only lead to us being together again and cause more pain.

 

She replied and said she doesn't want to disconnect with me but understand what I said. She said it wasn't my fault and I didn't cross boundaries...because event though we talked about it ...we both went over them without even realizing it. And she ended by saying she wants to keep in touch...and to please think about that.

 

I never thought in a million years it would suck like this...ever.

[spice4life]

Sorry to hear you're going through this right now. Welcome to triage my friend. As silly as it sounds, it is one of the most painful things to go through. This board has great advice on how to get through this and at least now you know it can be "trusted."

 

My advice is to not stay in contact with her because you will end up in one of the most intense wash machine cycles of your life. She WILLl contact you and it will only be to boost her ego when she is feeling down about her marriage and nothing more. If she truly has any feelings for you at all, she will respect your request and allow you to move on.

 

You have a lot going on right now with the ending of your marriage and that in itself is enough for now. Sort your life out and look forward to the freedom you are going to have when the divorce is through. You will have choices and won't feel trapped anymore and that alone is something to look forward to! Your life will be yours! Hang out with family and friends and keep yourself busy! It will help distract you from the MW.

 

Best wishes and take care of YOU right now.

Edited March 14, 2011 by spice4life

[East7]

Wow...ALL the MW are the same..

 

Well this Affair (which I guess was an EA and become an PA two weeks ago, not sex then but messed around, when we first met and then on Saturday, sex) has pretty much just halted and out of no where really. We met on Saturday like we planned since we first met. It was wonderful. 3 and half hours of sex, dinner, more sex and holding each other. I knew something was wrong when all of a sudden (she was laying on top of me looking at my eyes...she was doing this for about 5 minutes) and then she just got up really really fast, looked at her watch and was like...I have to go (which she didn't have to leave for at least another hour). We got dressed...she was standing there...she came over to hug me and looked at me again. I just said kiss me like you want too......she hesitated and we kissed really passionately and then she grabbed her coat and asked me to walk her to her car. I did and then she asked me to kiss her goodbye.

 

It is always awesome and crazy passionate at the beginning. The roller-coaster begins..with the hiding, time-limits etc.

 

Well on Sunday I received an email. She said she cried the whole way home (we met an hour away from where we both lived, small towns..had to get away). She said her gut told her not to come but she just had to and now she hates herself because of what she did to her husband. She said the quilt is eating her alive. She said she never expected this when we first started talking. We both just planned to meet, have sex and get what neither of us were getting in our marriage. But she said the fact that she cares about someone else besides her husband is too much. She said that is why she stopped emailing me four or five times a day (although we chatted for a few hours each day). And she said that still didn't stop the feelings. She said (and not in these exact words, she beat around the bush with it) that the feelings were growing wayyyyy to fast and others were fading and this is not what she wanted. She said it hurts her to even think it got here. And then she went into this big long, I'm so so so so sorry. Don't hate, please don't hate me (she said that a lot actually). Please understand and let's remain friends.

This is the typical aftermath. You can consider yourself lucky that it lasted 2 weeks, I have lived with her guilt and 'friendship bull****' for several months along.

She will come back to you, prepare yourself for the roller-coaster. One day she will tell you how crazy she is about you and the other day she will tell you how guilty she feels and she can't leave her H. The conflicting stage is the worst. You will be happy each time she will tell you that she loves you and you will feel miserable and upset when she will tell you that she feels horrible for cheating on her H and she can't leave him.

Come back a couple of weeks later and lets discuss

 

nd here I am today. Hurt...why? I shouldn't feel this way...we just met but it was so great talking to someone who wanted to actually talk to me ...and oh you get the picture. The sad part is that I understand. I replied back telling her that I do have strong feelings for her (it really became apparent when I read that damn email) and that I care about her. I told her that fact that she is hurting was my fault and I crossed boundaries that we talked about. I told her since I do care that the most important thing is for her to forgive herself and then just fix the issues with her husband. I told her that being friends (and I told her it hurts me to say it) is not a good idea. I said we have strong feelings and being friends and continuing to talk will only lead to us being together again and cause more pain.

Being friends is a way to keep contact with you, nothing more, nothing less. It will keep the roller-coaster alive. Don't try to be a "good guy" and tell her that you support her for fixing things with her H. It is worthless..

 

 

She replied and said she doesn't want to disconnect with me but understand what I said. She said it wasn't my fault and I didn't cross boundaries...because event though we talked about it ...we both went over them without even realizing it. And she ended by saying she wants to keep in touch...and to please think about that.

 

I never thought in a million years it would suck like this...ever.

Get rid of your guilt, she was consenting what she was doing with you, you didn't force her. SHe will always try to be in touch because you will be her romantic escape, her sweet addiction, but it will hurt you like hell because it will not go anywhere.

 

Been there, done that, so I would suggest you to break up with her and tell her that she can start a decent relationship with you when she divorces.

Edited March 14, 2011 by East7

[Happy Finally]

East,

 

she never said she loves me. But she did talk to me today. We talked for about an hour (ok, chatted). I just find the abrupt turn around very out of left field. Our talk consisted of closure..I guess. She said the feelings for me are way to strong and she thought she could just have her physical needs met with out becoming attached but she was proven wrong.

 

Ironically the conversation today was pretty much her normal self, the things she said, the way she said it up until I had to get something clear for my closure. Then she kept saying I taught her something and that she cares too deeply and it is getting in the way of her marriage. She doesn't want that to be ruined and that I showed her she can feel wanted.

 

She was then again adamant about being friends. Is this for the reasons you mentioned? She said that we can just say hi here and there (it's gmail and when you log on it lets you know who else is there). But she doesn't want me to go away for good. Internet friends because no one can know (which to me is clearly evident..it's an A).

 

I feel better after the conversation with her. But after reading your comments.....

 

Do you think she will really wait a few weeks and then try to say she misses me and that we should meet? She did say she loved Saturday and it was amazing. She first said that she wish she could take it back....and then later retracted saying that she didn't want to take it back because saying that earlier was just a lie to make herself feel better.....

 

Arghhhh!!!!

 

And to top it off my wife wants to work things out....finally she said she would go to counseling. I think her dad had something to do with this. He became horribly ill and was taken to the hospital the day after my wife and I had the divorce talk. I raced home to support her...She goes to VA, he has emergency surgery...Saturday (I know..I know...I didn't find out until yesterday about the surgery) and is fine now...after the 8 hour operation. She flew home last night and first thing out of her mouth at the airport "I will go to counseling. I love you....and I want to go" She hasn't said she loved me in years. It took me by surprise....

 

I have weaved myself a tangled web......and if everything ends up straight...I will feel like McBeth's mother...always walking, washing my hands but to me the stains will always be there..on both ends.

Edited March 14, 2011 by Happy Finally

[East7]

She said the feelings for me are way to strong and she thought she could just have her physical needs met with out becoming attached but she was proven wrong.

 

Women are not good in compartmentalizing, physical and emotional go often together.

 

Ironically the conversation today was pretty much her normal self, the things she said, the way she said it up until I had to get something clear for my closure. Then she kept saying I taught her something and that she cares too deeply and it is getting in the way of her marriage. She doesn't want that to be ruined and that I showed her she can feel wanted.

 

I remember a saying "Women don't lie, men don't listen"

If she cares about her marriage, believe her ! It is an early sign she has no intention to move out. She was probably looking to feel desired by another man (validation).

 

She was then again adamant about being friends. Is this for the reasons you mentioned? She said that we can just say hi here and there (it's gmail and when you log on it lets you know who else is there). But she doesn't want me to go away for good. Internet friends because no one can know (which to me is clearly evident..it's an A).

 

Keeping friendship is a way for her to have control on the A. Friendship : translation = let's keep an EA and if I decide to make it physical I will let you know.

 

Do you think she will really wait a few weeks and then try to say she misses me and that we should meet? She did say she loved Saturday and it was amazing. She first said that she wish she could take it back....and then later retracted saying that she didn't want to take it back because saying that earlier was just a lie to make herself feel better.....

 

This is the conflicting part : she desires you but she is conscious that it is wrong, yet she doesn't want to let it go. Typical conflict between desire/passion/sex vs. moral, consciousness.

 

And to top it off my wife wants to work things out....finally she said she would go to counseling. I think her dad had something to do with this. He became horribly ill and was taken to the hospital the day after my wife and I had the divorce talk. I raced home to support her...She goes to VA, he has emergency surgery...Saturday (I know..I know...I didn't find out until yesterday about the surgery) and is fine now...after the 8 hour operation. She flew home last night and first thing out of her mouth at the airport "I will go to counseling. I love you....and I want to go" She hasn't said she loved me in years. It took me by surprise....

 

I have weaved myself a tangled web......and if everything ends up straight...I will feel like McBeth's mother...always walking, washing my hands but to me the stains will always be there..on both ends.

 

Because women have a built-in radar that detects cheating or lying. But seriously, I didn't notice you are married. I would suggest that you figure out what you want to do with your M first of doing anything with MW. Be a little selfish and do what is best for you because MW will not make you a priority, believe me..she is not ready to divorce. Plus you will have to deal with your own guilt.

 

You are her option so don't make her your priority.

[TurboGirl]

East said a lot of good things.

 

Forget about the stains on your hands, or whatever that means. Seriously, people are human. You need to forgive yourself, forgive your wife... and forget the MW. Unless you want to continue on the rollercoaster, waiting for the MW to throw you a crumb or 2 of attention when she wants to.

 

Suggest giving your wife & counseling a chance. If you don't you will never know what could have been, and may wish you had years later.

[Happy Finally]

Turbo,

 

East does have a lot of insight and it will be helpful. If I would've just listened to the advice on here from the beginning I never would of become emotional with this A. It wasn't expected from either one of us. I just don't understand how she gained the upper hand in the A....because that is what she has even though we both have feelings for one another...and pretty strong ones at that. Replacing feelings for her husband..and it scared her...hmmmmphh.

 

I thought women are supposed to be the ones who have issues with that (cutting it off)...instead here I am and she knows it (and I believe it is because her husband still cares and loves for her whereas my wife lack of telling me she loves me has been ongoing for years). Unless she truly believes she is done and it is over. But like East said...the being adamant about being friends is the way to keep in touch and talk like we have been (like today). Even if it is only every once in while rather than everyday. I just don't get the switch....everything all great on Saturday...I mean fantasitc...3.5 hours of it being great...talking, sex....dinner...more sex and then bam! I got to go. Then the email.

 

I will give my wife and counseling a chance but in the meantime I have developed feelings for this OW and I know if she reaches out...at least where I stand today..I will reach back. She made me happy in ways that were absent in years (and that was before sex...which too was better than it has been in a while).

 

And the washing the hands thing is a literary metaphor from the Shakespearean play McBeth. Lady McBeth orchestrated the murder of numerous characters in the play. The final act before her death she is caught sleep walking with her hands in a washing motion shouting out "Out, damned spot!" and "All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand." Indicating that the quilt will never come off from her evil acts.