What does she mean... anyone?

[Happy Finally]

But I will say this: I did get a smirk out if reading in response #44 that " the quilt is eating her alive."

 

Painted an interesting mental picture, maybe that's is the real reason that she jumped off the bed and left.

 

Your right...thanks for clearing it up. I thought the fact that she told me it was the quilt would make it so...but I am glad you are here to set me straight.

 

Thanks !!!!!!!!!

[BB07]

First off, you are probably right, she does have a mental illness (this means at least you read the thread). I have dealt with it for the past 9-10 years. I haven't shirked a damn thing when it comes to that. I had the knives pulled on me, I have been the one to be punched, hit, bit, slapped, kicked in the groin and even worse stop her from beating herself to a pulp...many mirrors have been broken by her forehead and on her own accord....and I still am there when she curls up in a ball and cries. I am also the one there when I tell her what has happened and she looks at me and says...I don't remember doing that (at first I thought it was BS, over the years...I have come to feel differently). I am the one who consoles my kids when she snaps and says "Your f'ing little ingrates...you little sh&*s...FU....FU" and then she runs off to cry. And she never remembers doing it. I am the one who tells my kids, Mommy loves them and she doesn't know what she is doing. Now I will say...she does a pretty darn god job of not flipping the switch on the kids and usually reserves that for me. I have a high limit for my wife...very high..which is why I am still married. 3 affairs she has had, and I'm sure she is sleeping with the friends she visits in VA....not all but at least the couple she gets very very defensive about....I have seen the pictures taken in their bedrooms posted on facebook, she forgets I get those.

 

I'm not saying the fact that I went outside of my marriage is right. It is not. But after all these years, not hearing my wife say I love you for about 2, and the ever increasing distance she puts between us (only to be broken by her spazzing out) I broke and responded to someone who laughed at my jokes, smiled when I talked to them, and actually had an interest in me besides being pin cushion. I became weak and I had an A. Now it's hard to let it go because this woman actually made me smile and treated me nicely.

 

You're right my wife is not here to tell her side of the story. But you know what her side would be....I don't remember doing any of that stuff. Until the kids were old enough to express themselves...she thought I was making it up. And then we caught it on camera. Even then..when she watched it...she just spazzed and said we made it up with an actress. Blamed me and the kids for colluding against her...to make her look evil.

 

I love my wife. I have begged her to get help..but she doesn't think she has a problem. And when someone doesn't think they have a problem..good luck getting them to get help. She functions normally most of the time. And not all of the times are spazzed out times...sometimes you think things are fine...but she just isn't acting like...her..like I know what she acts like...just a little different (I don't expect you to understand what I mean with that, I know and so do my older two boys).

 

I haven't shirked a darn thing. When she called about her dad..I came right home from work. I was there and I was confronted with "You F'in idiot..you left work..you are such a dipsh$%...god, why did I marry you...go go back to work!!!!!!!!!!" Leaving work isn't a bid deal. I haven't shirked anything.

 

I didn't expect this with the A. I didn't expect this with the oMW. And now I am juggling two impossible things....and at the same darn time...I keep my kids lives balanced.

 

I didn't write this for sympathy but reading parts of your response really really pissed me off. But I appreciate people being blunt and truthful.

 

Happy........what I'm gonna say is probably gonna to piss you off but I'm gonna say it anyway.

These issues with your wife should have been taken care of a damn long time ago and you shouldn't have put up with it. You should have protected those kids from HER ABUSE and the abuse she has heeped on you. Do you think that's a good role model??? Well hell no, it's not!

 

No I don't know how you should have done it, but you should have found some way. It's one thing to choose to live with that kind of abuse for yourself but it's NOT OK to let your kids witness it or be victims themselves.

 

Happy you've got bigger issues than an affair and now more than ever, I see you are distracting yourself from your issues with the affair.

 

Get some help........to change the dynamic of what those kids are living with and yourself. You've lived with it so long I guess you don't see how sick what you've described is. Get help!

[Happy Finally]

Happy........what I'm gonna say is probably gonna to piss you off but I'm gonna say it anyway.

These issues with your wife should have been taken care of a damn long time ago and you shouldn't have put up with it. You should have protected those kids from HER ABUSE and the abuse she has heeped on you. Do you think that's a good role model??? Well hell no, it's not!

 

No I don't know how you should have done it, but you should have found some way. It's one thing to choose to live with that kind of abuse for yourself but it's NOT OK to let your kids witness it or be victims themselves.

 

Happy you've got bigger issues than an affair and now more than ever, I see you are distracting yourself from your issues with the affair.

 

Get some help........to change the dynamic of what those kids are living with and yourself. You've lived with it so long I guess you don't see how sick what you've described is. Get help!

 

BB,

 

I have tried to get help. And I will not abandon her. I know in the post it sounds like she spazzes alot. It's not as often as the post sounds. It is over the years those things have happened. Is it abuse...sure....I guess. She doesn't come after me...if I made it sound that way..it is wrong. Her outbursts at me physically are usually because I am trying to get her to calm down.

 

I have tried to get her help. I got her into therapy one time. It lasted two sessions. She won't see a psychiatrist..the only one that can prescribe her BPD meds. She doesn't think she has an issue and the lapses in spazzing just further back her theory of no problem. And she doesn't do it around strangers. Her lapses in personality (I guess that is what it is) are more common than spazzing. She just acts like different people. One on each end of the spectum..happy or completely sad/angry. BPD to its core...I have already done the research...I care...trust me I do.

 

As far as the kids go...it's very rare she spazzes at them, very rare. I am usually the target of those moments. In fact I think it has happened only four times and the oldest is 13. And only once to the extent I mentioned in the post. The usual outburst at them is to get away. I usually then just get her to go to our bedroom. She just sits and cries then (just recently I learned to just shuttle her there, close the door and leave her alone). Nothing escalates then.

 

A good role model? I am a damn good role model for my kids. Until I had this A, I have done everything a good father should do. I take care of my wife, their mother. I put a good roof over their heads and so forth. I make sure (with the exception of a few times) they don't witness their mother like that. And they have never seen her hit me..or me try to stop her from hitting herself. They only have seen her spaz verbally (not saying that is good but not like what I think you are picturing). I understand where you are coming from...I thought the same things years ago.

 

If she didn't have a problem..your statement of how I shouldn't put up with it would be very very valid. But I know something is wrong so I do put up with it. Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder they are serious and until someone admits they need the help they won't get it.

 

And these issues couldn't of been taken care of a long time ago. They have progressively gotten worse over the years. Recently (the past three) it has been rapid. I think it is because we moved away from where she grew up three years ago. She never has lived away from there and now I think she is depressed on top of it.

 

I try my best. I do.

[Heather1]

I just read most of this....

 

You 2 are just getting started, this is how it goes. I've been going through this for YEARS. He started it, then he got guilty, then he got horny, then he got guilty. Each time we got together was more intense than the last & we treated each time like the last so it would be more intense. It's like the sickest dynamic ever, you're never sure of your footing.

 

Buckle your seatbelt!! You've just started my friend.....

[ladydesigner]

Bottom line, HF, you got played by a woman who never intended to leave her marriage and just wanted to meet someone, F him, and then cry as if she realized she made some huge mistake.

 

you got played, plain and simple. I can guarantee you it was her plan all along to have a ONS, then move on to the next man to spread her legs for.

 

And you know this for a fact. I can tell you that my A was more emotional based than physical and it was the same for my XOM. Sex was the least important aspect of my A. Not all A's are purely physical. Also she keeps contacting HF to get that emotional fix.

[Happy Finally]

Bottom line, HF, you got played by a woman who never intended to leave her marriage and just wanted to meet someone, F him, and then cry as if she realized she made some huge mistake.

 

you got played, plain and simple. I can guarantee you it was her plan all along to have a ONS, then move on to the next man to spread her legs for.

 

Well I played many girls before I got married and I can say I never once tried to be friends afterwards nor did I try to contact them. Definitely did not get played.

 

And I can guarantee she is not spreading her legs for other men....she may just want to be friends...but she is sleeping with numerous other men......

[East7]

Bottom line, HF, you got played by a woman who never intended to leave her marriage and just wanted to meet someone, F him, and then cry as if she realized she made some huge mistake.

 

you got played, plain and simple. I can guarantee you it was her plan all along to have a ONS, then move on to the next man to spread her legs for.

 

IMO things are less simple that you picture them. She probably felt the thrill of this new encounter and she was sexually attracted. It doesn't mean she had a plan or agenda. In the overwhelming majority of the A, people don't plan them. She just had the reality and guilt hitting her on the face and she backed off.(again IMO)

 

Well I played many girls before I got married and I can say I never once tried to be friends afterwards nor did I try to contact them. Definitely did not get played.

 

And I can guarantee she is not spreading her legs for other men....she may just want to be friends...but she is sleeping with numerous other men......

 

you mean she isn't ?

[Happy Finally]

IMO things are less simple that you picture them. She probably felt the thrill of this new encounter and she was sexually attracted. It doesn't mean she had a plan or agenda. In the overwhelming majority of the A, people don't plan them. She just had the reality and guilt hitting her on the face and she backed off.(again IMO)

 

 

 

you mean she isn't ?

 

Yes I mean she isn't. Talk about a bad typo, !

[Happy Finally]

well then I guess what comes around does go around

 

 

 

 

if you say so:rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

uh huh

 

That's the benefit I have, I know this woman. I know her background and I can say with a 100% confidence level she isn't sleeping around.

 

Have you ever played someone? You must have since you are the expert on it. And if you have...do you call them back or try to become friends? NO, that's what I thought.

[Quiet Storm]

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder and acts just like your wife, complete with the "not remembering" the stuff she does.

 

Your OW still wants to "be friends" because you are her emotional outlet. It is about her and her needs. She doesn't really care about you or your feelings. You fill a role for her, but she wants you to stay in that box. They say men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love. She wants your love, but doesn't want to give you the sex.

[Happy Finally]

if you say so:rolleyes:

 

 

 

nope. never cheated on anyone, two timed them, or anything of the sort. I have had a couple one night stands, but in both cases I let them know right up front that if they have any expectations that it would be best to not go further. I don't want that hanging on my conscious.

 

 

 

been played, not been the player

 

 

 

 

no, you didn't "thought" anything.

 

Well then you know they don't contact you back trying to be friends then don't you.

[FightClub]

I also have to agree with East & ladydesigner, the guilt and sudden rush of feelings/emotions that are too hard to control or come to terms with scared her.

 

More than likely anyway, I assume it was the same for my exMW, too much emotion/feeling in one night. She didn't continue or ask to continue on as friends afterward, she recognized it and went NC as soon as possible. Once something like that consumes you when your not in the position to give yourself to someone like that, you really don't have any other choice than to cut it off before it spreads, as a lot of posters have mentioned.

 

You are heading in the right direction FH, hang in there buddy.

 

-FC

Edited March 19, 2011 by FightClub

[dreamingoftigers]

Dear Sir,

 

You are right, there is something missing in your marriage. Then something is the fact that when you marry someone you end up taking 50% of the responsibility in it. Their 50% is not your responsibility and your 50% is not their responsibility. Her choices do not give you a free ticket to behave however you want. Your level of self-respect decides how you behave: it decides how you treat others and how you let them treat you.

 

This comes from someone who has learned the stupidly hardest ways. I am not bitter about my life or the lessons I have had to learn. Your wife is not here to talk to, nor is she sharing her side of things. At this point your marriage is missing one dedicated husband who respects himself and his wife, who would appear to have quite the mental illness. If you cannot deal with the mental illness, you need to acknowledge where your limit is, set it and get support when you have hit that limit.

 

You (in theory) would not abandon her if she had cancer.

 

You have greatly shirked your responsibility and seem to even view the connecting act if sex as being boiled down to mere stimulatory body parts. You cannot repair a marriage and intimacy in absentia. By having contact with the other woman who you have cratered your end if the marriage with, you are effectively providing yourself with more escapism and less responsibility. You are at a point now where you can decide between your short-term ego and your long term self-respect. That has nothing to do with your wife.

 

Time to use those balls for something other then what you have been doing.

 

I was specifically referring to the infidelity as shirking your responsibility to the marriage. I can see how you would have read it as being connected with the above instead of the paragraph that it is in.

 

The issue being the abuse and lack of affection plus your wife's infidelity. None of those are solved by escapism with the Other Woman, that includes being her friend.

[Happy Finally]

I was specifically referring to the infidelity as shirking your responsibility to the marriage. I can see how you would have read it as being connected with the above instead of the paragraph that it is in.

 

The issue being the abuse and lack of affection plus your wife's infidelity. None of those are solved by escapism with the Other Woman, that includes being her friend.

 

Ain't that the truth but at the moment I decided to go outside the marriage I was weak and fed up. It's not an excuse it's just the reason I did it. Truthfully at this moment in time..I don't regret it, at least not 100%.

 

Since the moment my wife said she has wanted to make this work only one thing has changed, she doesn't call me to go off and she at least says hello. Until things get a little better (and lord knows I am reaching out, I have been for years).

 

Now I don't want to misrepresent myself because I have done my fair share in our marriage to push my wife away. I am not lovey dovey and romantic. But I was not like the when we dated nor at the beginning of the marriage. Either way...it probably didn't help.

 

My decision probably was not the best but only time will tell. At the moment...it's only half bad. I don't expect people to understand (although some might) because everyone's situation is slightly different.

[dreamingoftigers]

Ain't that the truth but at the moment I decided to go outside the marriage I was weak and fed up. It's not an excuse it's just the reason I did it. Truthfully at this moment in time..I don't regret it, at least not 100%.

 

Since the moment my wife said she has wanted to make this work only one thing has changed, she doesn't call me to go off and she at least says hello. Until things get a little better (and lord knows I am reaching out, I have been for years).

 

Now I don't want to misrepresent myself because I have done my fair share in our marriage to push my wife away. I am not lovey dovey and romantic. But I was not like the when we dated nor at the beginning of the marriage. Either way...it probably didn't help.

 

My decision probably was not the best but only time will tell. At the moment...it's only half bad. I don't expect people to understand (although some might) because everyone's situation is slightly different.

 

Oh no, it won't feel like guilt....yet.

 

But it will eat at you eventually one way or the other. Either when you divorce because you know that that little template inside you that sexually/emotionally connects you to another person has been slightly (or not so slightly) altered by the influence of the OW and you will end up wondering if that helped to put the nail in the coffin.

 

Or, you will wonder if your wife picks up on something just a little different about you and how you are around her. She may not, but you'll feel it, you will wonder if on some level she can see the affair. That will eat at you.

 

Or when you have your close moments with your wife if you reconcile. You will recollect you OW in those quiet moments and it will make you both uncomfortable and comfortable and confident, but then the part that is comfortable and confident will feel guilty afterward. Sometimes you may even feel close enough to your wife that you may want to share what the other person brought to your life, and you can't without damaging things now. She is your secret, and not in a nice way.

 

A big part of you will wonder if it was necessary at all to do that, and the other big part of you will know that it wasn't.

 

As well: you will know exactly how weak you are because you will have put up with so much unnecessarily to allow it to push you to a point where you break.

 

I am not saying that you are a bad person or anything, and you may be able to compartmentalize very well: but you should know that the guilt eating at you is coming. How bad is just a reflection of your own makeup.

[BB07]

My decision probably was not the best but only time will tell. At the moment...it's only half bad. I don't expect people to understand (although some might) because everyone's situation is slightly different.

 

Happy that last sentence of yours is such a big bunch of bs.......who are you trying to sell this to? Yourself or us?

 

I don't get you........you need to deal with the very serious issues that you and your wife have NOW but instead you are distracting yourself with an affair. People are telling you that you are just making your life more complicated and the potential for more pain for yourself and YES your family and your OW and her family just went up drastically because of the affair. And really you said you are a engineer, so where is your sense of practicality and common sense now? Can't you see where your train is going? You tell yourself oh I can handle the crash but no one knows just what kind of casualties there might be. Train crashes are unpredictable.

[dreamingoftigers]

Happy that last sentence of yours is such a big bunch of bs.......who are you trying to sell this to? Yourself or us?

 

I don't get you........you need to deal with the very serious issues that you and your wife have NOW but instead you are distracting yourself with an affair. People are telling you that you are just making your life more complicated and the potential for more pain for yourself and YES your family and your OW and her family just went up drastically because of the affair. And really you said you are a engineer, so where is your sense of practicality and common sense now? Can't you see where your train is going? You tell yourself oh I can handle the crash but no one knows just what kind of casualties there might be. Train crashes are unpredictable.

 

And, no offense but you haven't been great at predicting what is going to happen here and lots and lots of posts on this site over the last two years have pretty much had the same if not very similar patterns. Be one of the smarter posters and get off the train (end the 'friendship' completely and focus on MC and setting proper boundaries with you and your wife)(or focus on leaving and healing). Or Ka-boom!

[BB07]

And, no offense but you haven't been great at predicting what is going to happen here and lots and lots of posts on this site over the last two years have pretty much had the same if not very similar patterns. Be one of the smarter posters and get off the train (end the 'friendship' completely and focus on MC and setting proper boundaries with you and your wife)(or focus on leaving and healing). Or Ka-boom!

 

 

I'm confused dreaming.......are you talking to me about not being great at predicting???? :confused:

[spice4life]

And, no offense but you haven't been great at predicting what is going to happen here and lots and lots of posts on this site over the last two years have pretty much had the same if not very similar patterns. Be one of the smarter posters and get off the train (end the 'friendship' completely and focus on MC and setting proper boundaries with you and your wife)(or focus on leaving and healing). Or Ka-boom!

 

I'm sorry dreaming, but your post makes no sense. Perhaps you need to see that this forum provides the "other side" of the story. What you say is all well and good, but your frame of referense is coming from the inside as well. Maybe that is something you need to look at. Why did YOU make the choices that you did?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm confused dreaming.......are you talking to me about not being great at predicting???? :confused:

 

No, you don't have a wife.

 

I'm sorry dreaming, but your post makes no sense. Perhaps you need to see that this forum provides the "other side" of the story. What you say is all well and good, but your frame of referense is coming from the inside as well. Maybe that is something you need to look at. Why did YOU make the choices that you did?

 

I seem to have lost my post partway here: I have been doing housework etc, in between posting, I think that last one was a change the laundry over intermission and I may have been aiming at one thing when I quoted and then posting a little differently when I got back.

 

So actually I am confused now....

 

great.....

 

To answer your questions or ask my own: what do you mean "other side" of the story, you mean the infidelity side? Like the WS?

 

And in my case I am a BS? Is that right?

 

And why did I make my choices despite other posters insistence?

 

Did I get it, or am I still lost?

[Wandaland]

And you know this for a fact. I can tell you that my A was more emotional based than physical and it was the same for my XOM. Sex was the least important aspect of my A. Not all A's are purely physical. Also she keeps contacting HF to get that emotional fix.

 

hey ladydesigner, I was reading your previous posts about your revenge A. Does your xOM's girlfriend know about the A?