What does she mean... anyone?

[BB07]

Reading this thread is like watching a movie of a trainwreck in slow motion.

 

HAL if you don't put the big brake on now there is going to be a lot more pain and devastation ahead, IMHO.

[Happy Finally]

HAL if you don't put the big brake on now there is going to be a lot more pain and devastation ahead, IMHO.

 

 

Why do you say this? I think the big brake is on now...we talked today and for me it was about closure. I don't know why...but I just had to have it. I just wanted to know she didn't run out because I did something wrong..or whatever. I sort of knew I didn't but it's the being affirmed that I didn't that made the difference. I also wanted her to know that I understood where she is coming from (but truthfully, I'm just as confused now as ever) but didn't know why it got to this point. Truthfully the part about replacing the feelings for her husband still throws me off. I don't know why it scares her...but like I have mentioned my marriage has been damaged for years.

 

Do you also believe that this friend thing is just a ruse to keep in touch and to make acquaintances again once the fear/quilt/turmoil passes?

 

I know BB07 it is a train wreck but on my side it is not in slow motion. It is in fast forward. And my wife coming to me saying she loves me after almost 2 years.....completely shortened the track. So unexpected...so out of the blue...and this is less than a week after she finally said she wanted a divorce. Train wreck yes, slow motion no. And the worst part I think the brake is on all the while praying it may be broke:sick:

[Happy Finally]

nevergain, That is a good question. I don't know. This is why the train wreck (as BB07 put it) is going full speed. I was prepared to start moving out. I had already looked at 2 or 3 apartments. Then she hits me with the counseling option on Sunday night. And to think just about 3.5 weeks ago I was just unhappy. Then found happy and now I don't know WFH I am....confused...discombobulated....and unable to concentrate on work.

[Jaiden]

You've both already agreed to keep your relationship on the "shallow" side, so why does she keep reminding you "no deep feelings" out of nowhere? My guess is that she's already developing some feelings and she knows it... maybe it's her way of convincing herself that she feels nothing. It is un-avoidable in my opinion... the longer you two communicate, you greater the risk that you will form real feelings toward each other. Just a friendly warning... be prepared for whatever comes with that if you continue this friendship with her. Good luck!

[Happy Finally]

Jaiden,

 

Yes she and I have already confessed to one another that we have deep feelings. She scaled back the communication and after we met and our A become fully physical on Saturday..she up and ended it on Sunday. Saying that the feelings are too much and pretty much pushing the feelings for her husband to the side. Yet she wants to remain friends. Like I said we spoke today for about an hour. Mainly discussing our feelings for one another and what she learned abut her marriage and that we both didn't expect this...and it went farther, way farther than it was supposed to go.

 

I know I will end up talking to her again...whether it is her that initiates or myself. It is going to happen. I just can tell..........

[BB07]

Happy Finally said...Why do you say this? I think the big brake is on now...we talked today and for me it was about closure. I don't know why...but I just had to have it. I just wanted to know she didn't run out because I did something wrong..or whatever. I sort of knew I didn't but it's the being affirmed that I didn't that made the difference. I also wanted her to know that I understood where she is coming from (but truthfully, I'm just as confused now as ever) but didn't know why it got to this point. Truthfully the part about replacing the feelings for her husband still throws me off. I don't know why it scares her...but like I have mentioned my marriage has been damaged for years.

 

I think you mentioned in a previous post that if she asked you to meet with her again, you would. Look at it this way......you've opened Pandora's box and once it's open its very difficult to close it again. She (the MOW) is probably feeling much like you, in spite of her protests about keeping feelings out of it, it's the rare woman who can discuss intimate things with a man and just f them and be done with it. Most women tend to get attached when sex comes into play. You both have had a taste of what you've been missing and so now.....you can't undo it. It will take a lot of strength of character and a lot of will power for both of you to shut it down now. Most people aren't strong enough to do that. And now you've got the added complication of you seem to be wanting to give your marriage another chance, so you've got a big mess on your hands my friend.

 

Do you also believe that this friend thing is just a ruse to keep in touch and to make acquaintances again once the fear/quilt/turmoil passes?

 

Yes......it is a ruse and giving her the benefit of the doubt she may not even maliciously be doing it but once you've crossed that line of being lovers, you can't simply go back and be just friends and besides you weren't just friends to be put it bluntly. You and her both had crossed lines that you shouldn't have had your marriage been a priority. One of the biggest dangers you will face is the lies you will tell yourself and in spite of what we like to think, it's damn easy to delude ourselves.

 

I know BB07 it is a train wreck but on my side it is not in slow motion. It is in fast forward. And my wife coming to me saying she loves me after almost 2 years.....completely shortened the track. So unexpected...so out of the blue...and this is less than a week after she finally said she wanted a divorce. Train wreck yes, slow motion no. And the worst part I think the brake is on all the while praying it may be broke:sick:

 

I would caution you on continuing this, IMO you do need to cut off all contact with MOW and figure out if you want your marriage or not and then act accordingly. If you don't want your marriage.......then be done with it and then find you a single woman where the odds aren't so damn against you.

 

Get off the train before it wrecks!

[East7]

She scaled back the communication and after we met and our A become fully physical on Saturday..she up and ended it on Sunday.

 

That's pretty fast. She has been exited by flirting online with you and pictured herself having sex with you. Women create anticipation. If she changed her mind so quickly and had remorse it means that she really cares (to some extent) about her husband. I have seen other MW (mine included) that felt zero guilt in the first couple of months. It happenend way later.

 

Saying that the feelings are too much and pretty much pushing the feelings for her husband to the side. Yet she wants to remain friends. Like I said we spoke today for about an hour. Mainly discussing our feelings for one another and what she learned abut her marriage and that we both didn't expect this...and it went farther, way farther than it was supposed to go.

The emotional and sexual adventurous rush is self-feeding and addictive . Feelings and butterflies come faster than in a normal relationship.

 

I know I will end up talking to her again...whether it is her that initiates or myself. It is going to happen. I just can tell..........

I'm sure you will, and she will. It is almost irresistible and no one of you thinks long-term. You have one advantage though, it has been a very short affair, it will be much easier to stop it now and to move on. If you let it go on, let's say for 2-3 months you will be almost unable to stop yourself and it will hurt like hell. Edited March 14, 2011 by East7

[Happy Finally]

I She (the MOW) is probably feeling much like you, in spite of her protests about keeping feelings out of it, it's the rare woman who can discuss intimate things with a man and just f them and be done with it. Most women tend to get attached when sex comes into play.

 

 

BB07,

 

She told me today that is why she hurried out of the room after staring at me for a while. She said she knew she had really strong feelings and that is why she scaled back the emails. In fact she almost canceled out of meeting on Saturday (the first meeting was fun but we only made out) but she said even though her gut said no but her head and heart told her to come. Once there she said the feelings intensified so much. She said after having sex, and dinner and more sex and then laying with me and staring at me she had to leave. She also said that is why she kissed me when I said "just kiss me like you want to". It was a good kiss too, grabbed my head and pulled me into her....that hasn't happened in a long time. And then poof gone. She told me all of this today. She said the intensity scared her..and still does today because she loves her husband but when she kisses me, she doesn't care about him and she can only think of me...and that includes when she got home. She said this is why she cried....she doesn't want it to get in the way of her marriage so she has to stop it now because of the guilt.

 

She now talks about being friends...hence how we ended up talking today. And I think even though I will try not to, I know I will say high if the little green light is on next to her name.

 

East,

 

She does care about her husband, just like I care about my wife. I can say that with sincerity on her part. Especially when she keeps begging for my forgiveness....and there is nothing for her to be sorry about.

 

It's almost impossible to stop myself right now...and I know she will have a hard time as well. She has sent me more emails today than she has since the week she cut back to only one or two a day. I even reply with the closing email..and she send one back with a question. It's like a game of tennis where we are each hoping the other one misses the ball first and just stops....but it is hard.

 

But that is why I am here. The advice and just reading the other posts help with insight.

[BB07]

But that is why I am here. The advice and just reading the other posts help with insight.

 

So what are you gonna do.........you gonna stay on the train or get off before the crash?

[ladydesigner]

BB07,

 

She told me today that is why she hurried out of the room after staring at me for a while. She said she knew she had really strong feelings and that is why she scaled back the emails. In fact she almost canceled out of meeting on Saturday (the first meeting was fun but we only made out) but she said even though her gut said no but her head and heart told her to come. Once there she said the feelings intensified so much. She said after having sex, and dinner and more sex and then laying with me and staring at me she had to leave. She also said that is why she kissed me when I said "just kiss me like you want to". It was a good kiss too, grabbed my head and pulled me into her....that hasn't happened in a long time. And then poof gone. She told me all of this today. She said the intensity scared her..and still does today because she loves her husband but when she kisses me, she doesn't care about him and she can only think of me...and that includes when she got home. She said this is why she cried....she doesn't want it to get in the way of her marriage so she has to stop it now because of the guilt.

 

She now talks about being friends...hence how we ended up talking today. And I think even though I will try not to, I know I will say high if the little green light is on next to her name.

 

East,

 

She does care about her husband, just like I care about my wife. I can say that with sincerity on her part. Especially when she keeps begging for my forgiveness....and there is nothing for her to be sorry about.

 

It's almost impossible to stop myself right now...and I know she will have a hard time as well. She has sent me more emails today than she has since the week she cut back to only one or two a day. I even reply with the closing email..and she send one back with a question. It's like a game of tennis where we are each hoping the other one misses the ball first and just stops....but it is hard.

 

But that is why I am here. The advice and just reading the other posts help with insight.

 

Yes it gets harder. The whole friendship thing... not for the faint of heart. I know I couldn't do it anymore. My XOM ended the A and wanted to keep a "friendship" too. It's not a friendship, it's an emotional affair.

 

One day I grew tired of it and went NC. It was the best thing I ever did.

 

You also say how did she gain the upper hand? Well why not get your power back and go NC. Unless you really see yourself ending your M, there is no reason to continue the A. It only complicates. Unfortunately it is hard to see it while you're in it. It wasn't until I completely distanced myself from XOM that I could finally see the A for what it was.

[East7]

HF,

 

I already know you will not stop, no matter what people here say or advice you, you will follow your instinct/desire. (been there..)

 

Anyway, we are telling you what is likely going to happen in the future. This type of relationship follows very predictable patterns.

 

I strongly recommend to read more posts here

[Happy Finally]

Well,

 

BB07,

 

I think I am going to try to get off of the speeding train. It is hard. So much of me enjoyed the talks, the connection and of course the physical aspect when it happened. But I hate feeling like I do right now: the nausea, the lump in the throat, worried about whether or not she will reply back (even though we both say it needs to stop, but we keep replying..although it has slowed since the work day is over..we both have desk jobs) and of course the moping around the house when I have my kids and maybe now my wife to try and make me happy. It is just hard. The feelings remind me of when my wife first cheated on me and the marriage first started breaking down.

 

East,

 

You are probably right. I say I want to stop and BB07 is right I need to get off the train before it wrecks. But it is easier said than done. And the frustrating part I have only been talking to this women for just under a month. I will try like I just said to BB07...try being the operative word. I enjoyed the relationship too much.....and it amazes me how fast I fell for this woman and how much it hurts...I hate it.

 

ladydesigner,

 

You are right it is hard to see while you are in it. I think, like I said just a few sentences ago, that I will go NC. The sad part is if gives me the upper hand and she contacts me...it is in the next week or so, I will reach out. I am not at the point where if she contacts me I can just walk away..

 

And BB07 I know I should just jump off the train...but that damn seat belt is really hard to unbuckle right now:)

[ladydesigner]

Well,

 

BB07,

 

I think I am going to try to get off of the speeding train. It is hard. So much of me enjoyed the talks, the connection and of course the physical aspect when it happened. But I hate feeling like I do right now: the nausea, the lump in the throat, worried about whether or not she will reply back (even though we both say it needs to stop, but we keep replying..although it has slowed since the work day is over..we both have desk jobs) and of course the moping around the house when I have my kids and maybe now my wife to try and make me happy. It is just hard. The feelings remind me of when my wife first cheated on me and the marriage first started breaking down.

 

East,

 

You are probably right. I say I want to stop and BB07 is right I need to get off the train before it wrecks. But it is easier said than done. And the frustrating part I have only been talking to this women for just under a month. I will try like I just said to BB07...try being the operative word. I enjoyed the relationship too much.....and it amazes me how fast I fell for this woman and how much it hurts...I hate it.

 

ladydesigner,

 

You are right it is hard to see while you are in it. I think, like I said just a few sentences ago, that I will go NC. The sad part is if gives me the upper hand and she contacts me...it is in the next week or so, I will reach out. I am not at the point where if she contacts me I can just walk away..

 

And BB07 I know I should just jump off the train...but that damn seat belt is really hard to unbuckle right now:)

 

I am sorry to hear that you have experienced infidelity as well. Do you think this may have been a revenge affair? My husband was the first to be unfaithful in our M and I had a revenge affair, although I ended up falling for my XAP and wasn't expecting that as a side effect.

 

I completely understand the bolded. When XOM ended the A with me I felt rejected once again. It was an awful feeling. One that even goes back to childhood unfortunately.

[BB07]

Well,

 

BB07,

 

I think I am going to try to get off of the speeding train. It is hard. So much of me enjoyed the talks, the connection and of course the physical aspect when it happened. But I hate feeling like I do right now: the nausea, the lump in the throat, worried about whether or not she will reply back (even though we both say it needs to stop, but we keep replying..although it has slowed since the work day is over..we both have desk jobs) and of course the moping around the house when I have my kids and maybe now my wife to try and make me happy. It is just hard. The feelings remind me of when my wife first cheated on me and the marriage first started breaking down.

 

East,

 

You are probably right. I say I want to stop and BB07 is right I need to get off the train before it wrecks. But it is easier said than done. And the frustrating part I have only been talking to this women for just under a month. I will try like I just said to BB07...try being the operative word. I enjoyed the relationship too much.....and it amazes me how fast I fell for this woman and how much it hurts...I hate it.

 

ladydesigner,

 

You are right it is hard to see while you are in it. I think, like I said just a few sentences ago, that I will go NC. The sad part is if gives me the upper hand and she contacts me...it is in the next week or so, I will reach out. I am not at the point where if she contacts me I can just walk away..

 

And BB07 I know I should just jump off the train...but that damn seat belt is really hard to unbuckle right now:)

 

Ahhh......I didn't know the train had seat belts. When I rode it, it didn't.

 

Look you can do this even if you don't want to and I know you don't because you've been feeling deprived and bad about your life for a while now but you don't want to add even more complications to your already complicated life........be strong, be tough, be a good man. Don't do anything else that will give you baggage that you are going to have to carry around for the rest of you life. It gets damn heavy! And.........I mean really now, you might be dealing with someone who could become unhinged or at some point you might have to face a violent and pissed off husband. We like to think these things wouldn't ever happen to us, but oh yes they can.

Get that divorce (if that is what you want) and heck I might even give you a call.

[Happy Finally]

I am sorry to hear that you have experienced infidelity as well. Do you think this may have been a revenge affair? My husband was the first to be unfaithful in our M and I had a revenge affair, although I ended up falling for my XAP and wasn't expecting that as a side effect.

 

I completely understand the bolded. When XOM ended the A with me I felt rejected once again. It was an awful feeling. One that even goes back to childhood unfortunately.

 

No, it is not a revenge affair. She cheated on me 3 times in our 11 year marriage. The first she said didn't count because she was "raped". She woke up with another mans you know what in you know where. I was on duty in the military and when I came home and she broke down and told me...she added the rape part. I made her call the cops. Long story short...she called them back and told her she wasn't raped. It was a friend of her best friend. Unknown to her I had friends on the police force that told me she called back and dropped charges. The second time she kicked me out of my house, and then slept with the guy. The third time was last may.

 

So I can totally say it was not a revenge affair. It was because I was not getting anything in my marriage..no I love you's, no affection, no nothing..no sex...no anything...all that I was getting was a bunch of angst...

 

I think this is why the A took off so fast...and she said her husband showed her nothing. Although now she says he is loving and cares for her...but just has flaws..

 

It's so confusing..I hate that I did this to myself. I did what I always told myself I would never do. In my 11 years of marriage I never thought this would happen, ever. Even after being cheated on. I just became weak....and now I long for this MOW...and it too seems to be gone. Especially after being so good...I hate it.

[ladydesigner]

It's so confusing..I hate that I did this to myself. I did what I always told myself I would never do. In my 11 years of marriage I never thought this would happen, ever. Even after being cheated on. I just became weak....and now I long for this MOW...and it too seems to be gone. Especially after being so good...I hate it.

 

 

I never thought I would do it either. It's crazy how this stuff works.

 

It sounds as though you have been through a lot. Try and use this time to heal yourself, maybe find an IC. I know counseling has helped me. I too longed for my XOM for a while and the "friendship" made it hurt that much longer. One day (hopefully) you will not long for her. I am over 2 years out of my A and a year and half NC. I do not long for my XOM.

 

Many times any AP would have filled that void. Your MOW is on a pedestal right now, to get over the longing and hope you almost have to knock them off that pedestal.

 

My XOM turned out to be a much colder person than I thought he was. It was this quality about him when we ended that made me realize this was not a person I would ever want to be with.

 

Try distracting yourself with friends and activities and if possible try NC. You will know when you have had enough. I know it hurts I remember the pain well. Hang in there!

[Happy Finally]

Lady,

 

The fact that you made it through it gives me hope. It is so hard. And to read the words that I write, makes me feel like...wtf..is that me? Not even a month I have known this person...met her twice (although both times were well above anything I could have imagined..especially the last time on Saturday). And I feel this way. I always thought of myself as an Alpha male tough guy (I mean I am in every other aspect of my life) but when it comes to this ..... I feel like I the lead role in a very cheap Mathew McConaughey movie. The worst part is that I believer her when she says she feels the same way about me...but obviously she must be a stronger person because it seem so easy for her to break it off.....snap she leaves the room and is done. Sends the email yesterday and boom I just want to be friends. I feel the same as you but it scares me....whatever....right?

[Carrot2000]

So I can totally say it was not a revenge affair. It was because I was not getting anything in my marriage..no I love you's, no affection, no nothing..no sex...no anything...all that I was getting was a bunch of angst...

 

HF, it might be time for you and your wife to separate. She's cheated three times; her complete disregard for you has probably worn you down emotionally. No wonder you fell hard and fast for MOW! It feels good to feel special and appreciated. As much as the current situation sucks, it reminded you of how it feels to be loved, something you haven't felt for years. I suggest you use this knowledge to decide whether your marriage is worth saving, to really consider whether or not your wife is capable of loving you the way you need to be loved.

[BB07]

Lady,

 

The fact that you made it through it gives me hope. It is so hard. And to read the words that I write, makes me feel like...wtf..is that me? Not even a month I have known this person...met her twice (although both times were well above anything I could have imagined..especially the last time on Saturday). And I feel this way. I always thought of myself as an Alpha male tough guy (I mean I am in every other aspect of my life) but when it comes to this ..... I feel like I the lead role in a very cheap Mathew McConaughey movie. The worst part is that I believer her when she says she feels the same way about me...but obviously she must be a stronger person because it seem so easy for her to break it off.....snap she leaves the room and is done. Sends the email yesterday and boom I just want to be friends. I feel the same as you but it scares me....whatever....right?

 

IMO and take it for what it's worth which might be about 2 cents. Your MOW is feeling the pangs of guilt pretty acutely re: the sex, so she is backing off a bit but.........yes there is a but, she still wants the EA part of the affair as it fills some need in her. If one or both of you don't cut it off like NOW you'll be meeting up for the sex again eventually and then it's going to be more of a high and more angst for both of you and then you are going to get in deeper and deeper. East is telling you that the sooner you stop it, the easier it will be to get out of it and you should heed that advice. Finish things with your wife one way or the other then go pursue whatever you want. Preferably a single free woman.

[TurboGirl]

HF...

lots of great advice here. I totally agree with the NC, get off the train.

 

Fast to fire, burned out very quickly... pour some water on the fire, and go to counseling with your wife.

 

Highly recommend NOT speaking with the OW. No emailing, NC. This lady is all over the place, and she is going to continue to drag you down & if you think you hurt now, trust me, it can get much worse.

[Jonah]

You're not going to get laid... This is likely just a game for this lass. She keeps saying the same thing over and over because her creativity is limited. Stop wasting your time on the net and just go do your wife. Maybe you should sell your computer on craigslist for cheap... anything so you can go live your life.

[Happy Finally]

You're not going to get laid... This is likely just a game for this lass. She keeps saying the same thing over and over because her creativity is limited. Stop wasting your time on the net and just go do your wife. Maybe you should sell your computer on craigslist for cheap... anything so you can go live your life.

 

Ha, you obviously did not read the whole thread. Because if you did you would know that is not really an option. Trust me I have tried many, many, many times.

 

And I do live my life.....thanks though.

[FightClub]

Happy Finally,

 

I just read your update on your MW, I was surprised to see you met up with her and the result that happened afterward. As I mentioned in your thread before, our experiences with the married women were similar but different, in this case the ending is the same.

 

I'm fairly certain for these types of relationships, affairs, etc they always end up being somewhere in the same range.

 

If you haven't read my story, I encourage you to sit through and gain some perspective. ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t253073/ )

 

 

My affair with xMW was emotional long distance, no intention that we'd ever get together in the future when we started communicating, it was almost backwards to yours, we were good penpals, skyping, talking, etc and things didn't become sexual until a month or two before we met up, because we built so much tension, spent so much time together the thought of 'I wonder how it would feel with him/her' in person started to dominate our feelings.

 

Keep your head high brotha, work on your marriage for the sake of entitlement and if you can't find even ground with your wife, do whatever it takes to reposition your life and find *real* happiness within. After that you'll be able to do anything my friend.

 

And I strongly encourage being strong and saying NC to xMW, if this truly is meant to go anywhere and she has your best interest at heart and stars align and you are both in a place where you can pursue true love as divorced/single people then you'll realize it was worth letting go.

 

 

Take care.

 

-FC

Edited March 15, 2011 by FightClub

[Happy Finally]

Fight,

 

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I am going to go NC. I wrote a pathetic email last night like I was some teenager who couldn't control myself...ughh..disgusting. She responded. She wasn't mean. She said she felt feelings...like she has been saying but her marriage is the priority now.

 

She still sort of wants to be friends but after that email I sent she is hesitant but you are right...NC.

 

I will read your story tonight when I get home from work.

 

I do want to work on it with my wife. She finally has said counseling is an option...she said she wants to be able to tell me she loves me again (it's been too long not hearing her say that). Her dad becoming very sick and then having emergency surgery I believe had something to do with that...and now just this morning he uncle dies (bad news does come in bunches).

 

Thanks...and I can't wait to read your story...because reading others trials and tribulations does add perspective.

[Happy Finally]

You know those stains? They're burn marks. You are playing with fire, getting burn and putting your hand on the stove every other day.

 

Seriously, if you are going to give your W a chance, giver her a CHANCE! Not a halfassed "trying to work things out", yet driving one hour away to your little motel. If you are not, then walk away. Saves the both of you a lot of pain at the end.

 

Your MW- She is using you dude. You're her crutch and she will continue to reach out when she has the itch. You are the temporary quickfix solution to her permanent problem. Let her deal with them but not at your marriage's expense. That's unfair to your W and even to you. Be wise.

Stop beating yourself over with guilt. Can't change what happened now and you didn't put a gun to your MW's head. It's not that serious (but it can become). Cut her off!

 

 

So blunt and to the point..and you are right. Just like many other posters are with the help and advice they give. One problem...as the person going through it I don't see it until it's too late. But like I said I am going to do the right thing...I just hope my wife means what she has said (I have heard it before........)