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Coping with a great man that came with a side of porn


DaliJNY

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I feel so lost and that I've hit a brick wall in my relationship and I just cant seem to see around it or even find a solution. I'm soooo frustrated that is why I've come here.

 

My boyfriend and I have a history of 7 years. We have been close friends for five, and have come together romantically in the passed two. I cant possibly express how much in love with him that I am other than by simply stating it & he as well is in love with me. So what is the problem? The problem that has stemmed between us is some sort of insecurity in me that I cant seem to maintain a sane level of. To cut down to the nitty gritty here, I have developed since being with him very strong emotions - all negative - about him and his enjoyment of pornography. I first felt threatened by it, but he assured me that I have no need to feel that way because I'm the only woman he wants. Okay, I could live with that. Then I started to feel that maybe we're lacking something, or I'm not giving him something he wants and again he assured me that was not the case. I started to feel jealous that he's entertaining himself with other women on his mind - sounds silly & its no where near cheating, but hurts all the same. And, once again I was told its all entertainment & stimulation and when he's with me, he's really with me, if you get my point.

 

The trouble I'm having is picturing a future with this as a side dish in our life. It sometimes makes me so angry inside, and even hurt and jealous that I cant fathom how I'll ever be "okay" with it. To be honest, I hate every minute that I feel that way and that I just cant be okay with it. I 've never felt uncomfortable with passed boyfriends and their outlets of porn (and some were really raunchy with it) but then again I've never been in love before. He's offered to conceal these things and be more discreet, but the twisted thing is that I feel then it would become some secret & I dont want either one of us to ever have to hide things - thats why we became such great friends, our blatant and sometimes painful honesty.

 

I'm at a brick wall and I hate that this is such a repeat unresolved issue. As crazy as this sounds, I will never make a demand for him to change his lifestyle unless it was dangerously unhealthy. I've read articles how its a "perfectly healthy outlet", but no matter what I read about it, I still feel horrible inside. We've talked a gazillion times, I mean everything I've written here he's heard. He's explained that this is something he's enjoyed ever since his adolescence and has nothing to do with me or our relationship but its all to no avail and I've really started to feel hopeless. I've broached the topic that maybe it would be better off if we went our own separate ways, but he wont let me quit on this relationship. I just dont know what to do anymore to come to terms with my inner turmoil. A good friend of my has given me the tip to try to watch it with him and make it a "together sport", but its such a sore spot on my bruised ego that I think I'd go postal in the bedroom - no, not really. Im open to suggestions, own experiences, open thoughts on pornography - anything that may widen my blinders or help me cope with loving a pervert. (excuse the bad joke)

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We have had roughly umpteen zillion similar posts. There are two VERY entrenched sides that you will hear from. I am on the side of 'he loves you not the porn'.

 

I suggest you read some Albert Ellis books. He talks about how our thoughts affect us and how changing our thoughts can make us happier. You tell yourself an untruth - that he wants them more than you. You believe what you tell yourself rather than what he tells you; in essence, calling him a liar.

 

This is no way to conduct a relationship and you know it. If a guy is not addicted to porn, and if you're not being deprived of his company or of sex because he's checking out porn, then the only harm is due to your own fears.

You need to understand that you are wonderful enough for him to have chosen you and that it's YOU he wants in his bed.

 

Dr. Ellis's books can help you get to that place.

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