Els Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 (edited) The 3-yr bf and I have been having the problem off and on. Basically, his natural requirement for physical intimacy and mine are rather different. He is the stereotypical INTJ - not to 'box' people or whatever, but he really fits the description to a T. Not very touchy feely or verbosely affectionate, although his actions speak of love as surely as anything. He will literally go all out of his way, at his own expense, to take care of me. There are plenty of factors that contribute to this; indeed, our intimacy requirements can overlap a little and become equal when circumstances are right for it (I am busier, or when he has more time, etc). But it doesn't change the fact that that should all circumstances be equal, there is discrepancy in our requirements. And when circumstances are wrong... whoa. I feel like I'm not getting enough intimacy. Both sexual and non-sexual. Recently he has been very busy (extra hospital workloads due to earthquake) and I've been free (classes cancelled due to earthquake), and it feels like I'm initiating 80% of the intimacy. I'm not sure how it actually is, but it feels like that. I'm really not sure what to do about it. Should I just suck it up and tell myself that when classes start again I'll be busy enough that our intimacy requirements will overlap once again? But I feel like bursting NOW. I thought of having a date night or weekend, where we can just focus on each other... he was agreeable with that, but literally EVERYWHERE is closed or cancelled here now due to the earthquake, and tickets to go elsewhere are too expensive due to everyone wanting to get out for a break. So this weekend we will be stuck at home again, and will probably end up doing our own stuff or playing games/watching movies most of the time. Yes, I know there is plenty of creative stuff two adults can do at home, but the problem is he isn't going to think of it, and I don't want to be the one initiating AGAIN. I have talked to him about it once before, and he says he is just tired. I've tried to be understanding, because his heavy workload really is contributing significantly to the issue. And, as mentioned above, he really is loving in other ways. But it's really bugging me. I don't want to push the issue, because I don't want intimacy to turn into a chore or something that causes unpleasantness. I want him to initiate intimacy, and I want him to do so on his own accord. Ugh. Edited March 4, 2011 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 I want him to initiate intimacy, and I want him to do so on his own accord. Ugh. Hi Elswyth! Well, I can't say I have much good advice, but your last sentence certainly stood out to me. Is this the crux of the matter for you? A short-term circumstantial problem that prevents the intimacy you crave is one that eventually passes, but you have framed this as a fundamental difference in how you're wired regarding intimacy...one that is present even under the best of circumstances. In that light, it's hard to see this as anything other than a compatibility issue. I mean, there is only so much bending and accommodating you can each do for each other without fundamentally altering your basic 'ways of being' in the world. If the two of you can't find common ground on the intimacy question through various small compromises and adjustments that you each make...well, then, where does that leave you? His fundamental INTJ stripes aren't going to change. I hope you're able to sort it out! Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 What do you mean by intimacy? Do you mean sexually or just physical affection? I am an INTJ and am not particularly affectionate in words or deed, but I do try. Sexually, however, I have a high drive and will initiate. My husband does most of the initiating when it comes to general affection. He is an ENFP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Hi Elswyth! Well, I can't say I have much good advice, but your last sentence certainly stood out to me. Is this the crux of the matter for you? A short-term circumstantial problem that prevents the intimacy you crave is one that eventually passes, but you have framed this as a fundamental difference in how you're wired regarding intimacy...one that is present even under the best of circumstances. In that light, it's hard to see this as anything other than a compatibility issue. I mean, there is only so much bending and accommodating you can each do for each other without fundamentally altering your basic 'ways of being' in the world. If the two of you can't find common ground on the intimacy question through various small compromises and adjustments that you each make...well, then, where does that leave you? His fundamental INTJ stripes aren't going to change. I hope you're able to sort it out! The thing is, when circumstances 'align', our needs are compatible. When they are 'misaligned', there is discrepancy. This weekend things were much better. I think we were hitting a dry spot because he'd been working for 11 out of the 12 days prior to this (they needed extra help in the hospitals due to the quake), so we went longer than usual without him 'picking up'. Once he had a whole free weekend he got much better without me saying anything, though. I think I will just wait and see how it is when my Uni starts back up again. What do you mean by intimacy? Do you mean sexually or just physical affection? I am an INTJ and am not particularly affectionate in words or deed, but I do try. Sexually, however, I have a high drive and will initiate. My husband does most of the initiating when it comes to general affection. He is an ENFP. I said both. I do not think all INTJs are alike. Link to post Share on other sites
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