indija Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Have a friend that I get along with better than just about anyone else. When we first met, I did think he was cute and fun, but I was with someone; then after my breakup we started hanging out. I wasn't sure where my friend was coming from, attention-wise, but we always, always, always had (still have) the best time whenever we're together. In fact, when I'm out on dates with other guys, I can't help but think I'd be having more fun with my friend. But (here comes the but), even though at first it felt like there might be a spark, I was so unsure of what either of us was feeling like, I treated him like a "friend" and not a "guy." You know, like if he was a "guy" I wouldn't be calling or texting or suggesting fun stuff to do, I'd let him pursue me cuz I'd want us to both be comfortable. But since we were just friends, I thought nothing of doing buddy stuff and wanting to hang out and whatever. I guess the problem is, maybe there was something more there, or he misinterpreted me because he started to react like a "guy" when a girl does whatever it is a girl does that makes a guy withdraw. We had a couple of awkward moments, especially when people would see us having such a good time together and assume stuff, and withdrew a little bit. Well, the weird thing is, once I backed off from being too friend-like and just said whatever and started treating him like a "guy" (like, not calling him or texting and just letting him call/suggest/whatever), we've been closer than ever. It's just weird. When we're together it's amazing and intense and super super happy and wonderful. I can't even describe how understood and accepted and loved I feel when I'm with him (and he does sometimes express wonder that I can stand him and his silly stories). We can talk and laugh and just be all night long then hold each other like we never want to let go. But, aside from the occasional almost accidental brush of lips, we never do "let go" and let it out. I don't know if it's because we don't feel it, or if it's because we're just lame. We have both been badly burned before and I know that I personally would be terrified. Especially of losing this most wonderful, amazing friend. But it is just so weird, and it's making it hard for me to meet anyone because I just simply don't enjoy being with anyone as much as I enjoy being with him. I know, lame. So, what I figure is, either there's potentially something more and he's in the same boat I am (hoping, wanting, but terrified and mildly annoyed), or I'm simply in friend-zone limbo/hell and not a thing to do about it. I guess what I'd like to know is, A) is it possible for someone to see me as a girl, then not, then maybe revert to girl again, and/or B) if I am "just" a friend, why bother pursuing this degree/intensity of contact, why not just back off and let it go, let ME go? The reason I don't let him go is cuz I guess I'm secretly hoping for more and honestly I couldn't bear to lose even what we have...what's HIS excuse? Link to post Share on other sites
OldSkool Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Quote from American Pie 2: "I would rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all" Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 My bf was interested in me but I wasn't ready to date, so we were just friends for a while, then later on we got together. So I suppose it is possible to be interested>>friends>>interested. He might just really like you as a friend; on the other hand he might be interested in you but just be too shy to tell you, or he might be scared of ruining your friendship. Is he the shy sort of guy who'd normally have difficulties talking to women about his feelings? Ultimately I guess there's no way to know unless you ask him, and there's no reason why the friendship should be ruined if he's not interested. Being a shy person myself, I tend to favour the following strategy: Get drunk, come onto him really obviously, apologize and blame it on the alcohol if he isn't interested. It probably isn't the most sensible approach though; if you can get up the nerve it would be much better to just ask him if he's interested. Link to post Share on other sites
phxsun Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 The way I see it, you are much closer to making that jump to the other side (friendship to relationship) than I am in my own situation. But I must say, a lot of the stuff you just said is pretty close to my situation, like backing off the see what up and treating them as a friend, except things hasn't worked out as well lol. I think perhaps when you backed off a bit to let him pursue you, he may have taken it as you not being as interested anymore. I don't know what else to say other than that if I was to give it a percentage, I'd say it's about 20% friends zone and 80% potential. Seems like he really likes your company (which is what all great relationships are based on) and the friendship only needs a catalyst (a kiss, a confession etc) to take it to the next level. I think if you feel like there's chemistry between the two of you and both are emotionally available then you should try and take it where you want it to go. Honestly man, I'd give a lot just to be in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author indija Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I think that may actually be part of the problem: IS either one of us emotionally available? Like I said, that being burned in the past is a huge, huge obstacle to not only any remote possibility with this guy but with ANY guy, right? Lol, so, you're thinkin mine sounds more promising than yours? I was thinking the opposite! But, in any case, you can see why your situation spoke to me so strongly. He's been on silent mode the last few days...the weird thing is, altho I try not to read too much into anything, I can't help but notice patterns. It'll be intense, amazing, then the back-off into silent mode, then up again. It's like I said before, if he's a friend, then be a friend and check in like a friend; if he's a guy, then, hell, I don't know, whatever...lol, I wish we could talk and brainstorm! Link to post Share on other sites
Author indija Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I’m so glad to see something said about the “natural” give and take of things. That’s actually one of the things that make this situation so difficult and confusing. I honestly have no idea what things SHOULD be like. I guess the slightly stressy feeling I get is from like you said, not being sure cuz I kind of just do want to enjoy it and enjoy him, in whatever form it comes. I would like to know more about how your deal went down, if only to either commiserate with or comfort you, lol. We’ve had a couple of close call moments, but kind of steamrolled over them. I know he doesn’t completely detest me, lol, if only cuz we’re in the same group of friends. I just don’t think he wants any relationship right now. So, I figure if he wanted one with me, that wouldn’t matter, it would just be; however, there is this incredible amount of caring and sharing that goes on, just not everyday or whatever. It kind of just happens when it happens. I don’t know if he has other “friends” like me (I have other friends and I go on dates, but not at this level), which would be perfectly normal for a healthy, single male. But what’s weird is, he’s very discreet (as am I) so it never seems to affect our interaction. I’m not ready to burst quite yet, but I do feel it kind of wash over me and wish we could either really be simply friends with none of that undertone, or just go with it and see, or just let it go and move on. Lol, as you can see, I’m still confused no matter how hard I try to intellectualize. If only he weren’t so damned easy to be with, completely obliterating any chance I have of noticing or appreciating any other guy. But, of course, I can’t let go cuz it’s just so promising... Link to post Share on other sites
tonyp56 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) OK, let me ask you this. If you guys are around each other, does he touch you? Or do you ever find yourself touching him? If he pulls away or moves from you in those moments then chances are he is simply a friend. However, if you touch each other (on the arm, bump against each other but don't move away, etc.) then likely he has feelings too. When my long time friend (13 years, wow, really close for about 4 or so) and I would be around each other I always noticed her touching me, grabbing my arm or whatever. Of course, I liked her and I never moved from her. I always wanted more, but I was scared to make a move because "what if I'm wrong?" So I would pull back, because like others have said, I would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. We are now in a relationship together, and both of us couldn't be happier. According to her, those moments were there but she was never really sure of what she felt. (unlike me, I knew how I felt, I just wasn't sure of her) the moment that started changing it for her was one time we were goofing around and I physically picked her up (In a friendly manner, but hey nothing like sweeping a woman off of her feet to make her fall for you ) and from that a few months later she kissed me and confessed how she felt. The kicker of it was I already told her how I felt couple of years ago, but she wasn't in the "that" place yet. Anyways, if he touches you or you touch him and neither of you pull from each other then good chance he feels the same way. (its got to be that kind of touch that is accidental or part of a story you are telling him, if you walk up to him and grab his hands, and he does feel something that might cause him to not know what to do and pull away too) If he pulls away, don't waste your time taking the chance in losing him by telling him how you feel IMHO... Edited March 8, 2011 by tonyp56 Link to post Share on other sites
Author indija Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 OK, let me ask you this. If you guys are around each other, does he touch you? Or do you ever find yourself touching him? If he pulls away or moves from you in those moments then chances are he is simply a friend. However, if you touch each other (on the arm, bump against each other but don't move away, etc.) then likely he has feelings too. QUOTE] Weird you should ask that very interesting question. Now that I think of it, we're kind of always touching. In a very affectionate, no notion of personal space touching. He actually touches me more than I touch him (I'm not very touchy-feely, but I do like hugs). Wow, that is kind of confusing me even more, especially since we haven't spoken in a few days. Gee, now that you mention it, he does get very close...but maybe he does that with all his friends. I don't know, I haven't seen him with many other female friends, and he is affectionate with them, but not in the same way. Gosh, I'm almost getting tired of thinking about this. Very, very good question, and you're really making me think, right when I'm trying to convince myself there's nothing really there. Maybe I should just relax, huh? This is kind of scary stuff to me...lol, wow, Tony, you really got me thinking... Link to post Share on other sites
fresh8 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 (edited) Yep, every friendship is different and the only real way to find out is to ask. Me and my ex were friends before we got together. Friends of 2 years actually... sorta. I always had feelings for her and I knew she had a crush on me when we first met. Stuff happened, I asked her out once and we didn't talk for nearly a year. Then we hung out again and over a 3-4 week period, I felt like she was getting closer to me. You just have that feeling I guess that it's starting to waver from friends to something more. Anyways, she is a flirty type and so am I so I didn't think her grabbing my arms and stuff meant nothing much. And we teased eachother a lot and talked a lot but I'm pretty talkative and easy going and so is she. So I had no idea if she had the same feelings for me. In the end, I was sick of being in limbo and was scared that if I asked her out a second time she would feel weird if I was wrong so I got her to show up to my basketball game at the same time as another girl (a friend also... dunno why its like this lol) who everyone thought was keen for me. In the end both got jealous of each other and I got my answer. And looking back on both girls - I had great fun hanging out with both and could have dated either. It's just that the one who I ended up dating was the one who told me she liked me first. Plus, I liked her more than the other. So what I'm really getting at is that you should probably build up the courage to bring it up with your friend before another girls comes along. The girl I didn't end up being with had 6 months of me all to herself when me and my ex weren't talking but she didn't take advantage of that. Time is of the essence! EDIT: To answer your question in the first post, I think that maybe there is something there. But even if he is not on the same wavelength as you right now - there is potential something could develop if you reveal your feelings to him! Edited March 8, 2011 by fresh8 Link to post Share on other sites
phxsun Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 I think that may actually be part of the problem: IS either one of us emotionally available? Like I said, that being burned in the past is a huge, huge obstacle to not only any remote possibility with this guy but with ANY guy, right? Lol, so, you're thinkin mine sounds more promising than yours? I was thinking the opposite! But, in any case, you can see why your situation spoke to me so strongly. He's been on silent mode the last few days...the weird thing is, altho I try not to read too much into anything, I can't help but notice patterns. It'll be intense, amazing, then the back-off into silent mode, then up again. It's like I said before, if he's a friend, then be a friend and check in like a friend; if he's a guy, then, hell, I don't know, whatever...lol, I wish we could talk and brainstorm! I think rather than an obstacle being something from the past, I think it's more about the present. If you have built a safe enough environment then there should be a level of comfort which should help both of you realise that it is OK to proceed to the next step. If there's still that gap between you, then it's either that he doesn't feel like you feel the same way, or it's possible there might be a friendship barrier. I think it's very likely the both of you are scared to walk the line in case either of you tread on a piece of road that neither of you (assumingly) want to walk on. You both have a great thing going and it's probable that he unsure how you feel. Really, a lot of the time it's about one party having the guts to make the final move (assuming all signs point to both parties wanting the same thing). I did what you did and try to go into silent mode on her but things didn't go the right way and she went silent mode on me. But when we see each other it's like we forget about all that and we just having fun again. Check back on my thread as I've added a few things maybe you could comment on Link to post Share on other sites
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