Bonny Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Hi. Iv been with my partner for 4 years and im not sure that hes ever had that 'spark' of attraction for me. He finds lots of women attractive and oggles them. But he never really tells me that im attractive or looks at me the same way as he looks at others. Yesterday we were talking and he said i was beautiful inside and thats what he fell for. There was an awkward silence and then he added, rather lamely it felt, that the 'outside came later'. I might sound dumb for asking but was what he said a compliment? Or was he basically telling me that he wasnt/isnt really physically attracted to me. Thanks for reading this. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 That's how I'd take it too, but you should ask him for clarity. I think its great that he values what makes you the person you are, but the payment for this shouldn't be having to witness him getting excited over what he prefers to look at. I'd imagine this would change your demeanor over time. Maybe you should explain that to him that if he values who you are so greatly, he should not be eating at what its built on. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 so, he looks at other women and then he says you are beautiful "inside"? And the "outside" came later? Well, I would know what to think about that... fairly self-explanatory, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Perhaps he is just bad with words. You should tell him simply that his staring at women makes you feel uncomfortable and that you would like to be stared at, called sexy and beautiful, and shown that he is attracted to you. I admit I've done my share of peeking. I don't think it's a bad thing per say, but I surely am aware enough of my wife's feelings... But to be honest I find my wife extremely sexy. She has this little belly she wants to get rid of after the baby and her thighs got kinda of thick, damn I can't get enough just looking at it. I don't think I want her to get rid of it..... Sorry, I went on a tangent there.... I think you should school your husband a little on this. It's in his best interest to learn how to make you feel #1! Not all guys are good at this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonny Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Hi Sally4Sara. Thank you for replying. Yes hes made it clear that he values what makes me, me. I have put up with a lot from him and forgiven a few 'mistakes' hes made. I think hes grateful that i did and found it amazing that i stuck around. I think thats what hes refering to when he says im beautiful on the inside. I just always thought he found me attractive. But his remark the other day has me wondering. I dont think he did or does find me attractive. Hes just here because i have helped him a lot and hes sharing my home. I have a horrible feeling he has actually been using me for the past few years. I know i couldnt be in a relationship with someone that i wasnt phsically attracted to but it seems he can! So im wondering besides being grateful that i put up with his ####, why hes here really when hes not attracted to me and only really thinks im beautiful because ive never kicked him out when i should have done! His remarks have really made me think! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonny Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 so, he looks at other women and then he says you are beautiful "inside"? And the "outside" came later? Well, I would know what to think about that... fairly self-explanatory, isn't it? Hi Giotto. No im afraid it wasnt very self explanatory to me. Thats why i needed an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Hi Giotto. No im afraid it wasnt very self explanatory to me. Thats why i needed an opinion. well, of course... How's your sex life? Does he initiate? Is sex good? Frequent? Is there an "emotional connection"? Does he behave like he wants you, desires you? Physical contact outside sex? Does he initiate it? Link to post Share on other sites
crazylove Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Sounds like he was just being a bit unthoughtful when he said it, and was trying to give you a compliment, and messed up! Ditto the above, is your sex life good, etc? There's probably a few factors to take into consideration. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonny Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 well, of course... How's your sex life? Does he initiate? Is sex good? Frequent? Is there an "emotional connection"? Does he behave like he wants you, desires you? Physical contact outside sex? Does he initiate it? Hi Giotto and Crazylove. Well the sex life isnt sizzling. For the first 6 months together he was very affectionate, attentive....when he could pull his gaze away from other women! But no sex. In the end i asked what was 'wrong' and he said he was shy. I ended up initiating sex and was in the driving seat so to speak as to when it happened. I didnt feel a closeness from him when we were 'together'. He would lie there like a frozen potato chip and let me do everything. He just kept saying he was shy. He did have a very set routine for sex on the rare times he initiated. He would talk about how he had done things with his ex wife and what she had liked. He seemed to think his routine with her should suit me because it had suited her. Which i found a bit off putting. In the end i withdrew and started to wait for him in initiate. It didnt /doesnt happen very often. This past 6 months its been about 4 times. I recently said i thought we had run out of road as a couple because he seemed so distant and uninterested in me. And i asked what he actually loved about me. He said i was kind, nice and beautiful on the inside and 'the rest came later'. But i dont really think the rest did come later. Since i made attempts to end things he has woken up a bit and seemed slightly more interested but the affection/closeness still isnt really there. I know he had a hard time when he split up with his wife...she cheated and left him. I met him 8 months after they had split up and he still had a lot of issues with her. About a year ago he told me that during our first year together. He hadnt loved me or had any loyalty towards me because those feelings had still with his ex. That made sense as we'd had some problems with him lying about her and the type of contact he was trying to have with her when theyt still had contact. His love for me grew, apparently, during our second year and ever since. These days he doesnt see his ex or have contact...his choice. But that means he doesnt see or have any contact with their 4 young children either. He says its best this way for the children because him and his ex fought so badly and that wasnt good for the children. But i have a feeling its just easier for him this way because of the pain it was/does cause him to have contact with his ex. And the children are caught in the middle. Just my thought, he would disagree. I just dont know what to do really because i love and find him physically attractive. But im coming to the conclusion that he has neither feelings for me really. Im just a safe harbour while he licks his marital beakdown wounds! Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Well the sex life isnt sizzling. Funnily enough, I'm not surprised by this... But im coming to the conclusion that he has neither feelings for me really. Im just a safe harbour while he licks his marital beakdown wounds! Any thoughts? Well, sorry to say this, but I think you are spot on! He got together with you and he didn't even love you? And he didn't have any loyalty towards you? This is quite shocking and even more shocking is the fact that he doesn't see his 4 young children... what kind of man and father does that? Sorry to be frank, but I really don't see what you are getting out of this relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Welcome to LS Bonny. You're BF sounds like he is very selfish about his feelings. Him not seeing his kids over his ex has to be the most childish and selfish reasons I have ever heard. He looks at other women in front of you and has no shame about commenting about it. And you're still with this douche? Maybe you should talk to his ex and find out why they got divorced, because it has a lot more to do with him than you think. She prolly cheated on him because of his actions, the same one's he's pulling on you. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Hi Bonny, welcome to LS. I'm sorry to say that I agree with Giotto. I don't like to give people advice like this but from everything you say I can only suggest you get out of this relationship and find someone who actually wants to be with you - because this man doesn't feel either love or attraction for you. He's still in love with his ex wife, he never sees his children, he's not interested in you sexually, he is interested in other women sexually (and, though you haven't said, I suspect that may have something to do with the 'mistakes' he's made) - so what exactly is it that you find attractive about him? You deserve better, but you don't seem to realise it. Perhaps, once you're away from this man, you could consider counselling to improve your self-esteem. One day, hopefully soon, you'll be wondering why you put up with him for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Yeah Bonny, it sounds like you are a long term rebound. He definitly isnt physically attracted to you, The worst part is that his excuses are lame and an insult. I hope you wont let things slide like this with the next guy you date. Its fairly obvious, if a guy is oggling women, without involving your input, or initiating sex, and cant even tell you athat youre beautiful on the outside to your face, you gotta get outta this immediatly. Hes a grown man, at this point, you cant worry about how he will take it or what he will do with himself. Youve been letting him be selfish for 4 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 How did you meet him? Do you think he has cheated on you at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bonny Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Hi and thank you everyone for your thoughts. They match mine. So its not just 'me'! I dont know how i let things slide the way they have. I can only say, i really didnt realise what i was getting into and hes been a very convincing liar. Im seeing things with clearer eyes now. I wasnt naive but certainly bordering on it! Hes just been settling with me and hes still in love with his ex. Thats why he wont see the children. Its to spite her because he knows she was upset that he stopped contact with her and seeing them. Infact, i think shes been as bad a him and she enjoyed having him on a string. It flattered her ego. What a pair! Ive started counselling and i hope to win back my confidence very soon. I had plenty when i met him, i was 2st lighter and a happy person. But time and his behaviour have damaged things. There are going to be some big changes here and they have already started. Thank you for your support Link to post Share on other sites
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