paiger Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I got this book a few weeks ago called "It's called a breakup because it's broken." I've heard great reviews about it as it was a NY times best seller, written by a married couple talking about their experiences with relationships. It's written with some comic relief to sort of distract you from that aching pain in your chest, and I highly highly recommend it. This book made some pretty solid points in terms of "commandments" to follow during a breakup, and I thought I'd share with you all some insight to the book as it did with me. Before I post the commandments, here are some excerpts from the novel that I think are worthy of sharing - "Your relationship, despite it's promise, has ceased to be right for one of you. It is, in effect, broken. So starting today, you are not the person who settles for broken or hangs on to damaged goods, be it a radio, a pair of shoes, or a relationship. Your life is not a yard sale. It's time to get rid of all the broken stuff you've been lugging around for days, months, and maybe even years, and make the bold decision to start looking for stuff that works." - "The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said "no thanks, i'll try my luck elsewhere." That alone should make you realize that this relationship was not a match-made in heaven and they're not worth donning coveralls for." - (About the no-contact rule) "Does it really make you feel better to call his cell and then wonder what he's doing when he doesn't answer? Do you feel empowered reading his email's/facebook and learning that his life is going full steam without you? We think not. And if you're honest with yourself, you'll agree." There are a few more but i'd rather not share them as you're probably anxious to see the 7 commandments. The demographic is leaned more towards people who just got out of a breakup but there is some insightful points presented, so go ahead and take a read. And here they are: 1. Don't see him or talk to him for 60 days. I don't need to summarize this one too much, as this chapter basically explains the no contact rule. Something miraculous happens during this 2 month period of no contact. And I mean STRICT no contact, aka no text messages, no checking facebook, no hiding behind the bush peaking into the window... all that crap. 2. Get yourself a breakup buddy. Basically a friend who good friend who will be there for you when you feel like you're on the verge of crying a waterfall. Just a friend you can vent too in the most needed times. This chapter also explains to people who already have vented 24/7 to their friends, to treat them out and repay the dues. Aka, spend an entire day with your friends solely talking about THEIR lives. I mean they've heard enough of your ****, listen to theirs too 3. Get rid of the stuff that remind you of him. And they really mean EVERYTHING. Pictures, clothes, old cd's, dvd's, anything that sparks a thought of your ex. This doesn't mean go crazy and throw everything out, just stuff like gifts, HIS belongings, pictures, etc. This also doesn't mean throw it away, just box it up and keep it at a friends house or somewhere kept away. They also advocate changing the appearance of your room/place/wherever you stay as making your surroundings different, you are giving yourself new external cues that should provoke different feelings. And anything different from lonely or heartbroken is a huge step in the right direction. 4. Get your ass in motion everyday. People tend to become introverts during breakups, so they say try and get out every single day. Take yourself on a walk, go to the movies, go to the gym, go for a drive. Just get moving. When you're surrounded by empty hours that used to be filled by your relationship, it's actually easier to be unmotivated than to get fired up about all the new ways you can fill your days. It's natural to feel sluggish, but to turn a breakup into a breakover, is to fight the inertia by taking opposite action. 5. Don't wear your breakup out into the world. Rule of thumb: never go out wearing anything you wouldn't want your ex to see you in. Since your life is in shambles, and you're depressed beyond belief, it's natural to not give a **** about what you look like. I mean why should you, life has become an abundance of all-consuming sadness, which eclipses everything else right? Wrong. Take off your victim pants because in this time of pain and crisis, you want to lean into the future where you are a whole, healed, and the most rocking version of you that anyone has ever seen. Basically, one should acknowledge the fact that if you dress terrible, you're going to feel terrible. Revenge is best served HOT, and the best revenge is living a happy, successful life, all the while looking good. 6. No backsliding. Starting over is hard. Starting over again is hard. And then imagine starting over, and over, and over..... You get the gist. What is backsliding? It can be something as little as calling to "catch up" to the big kahuna of backsliding - breakup sex and everything else inbetween. When you backslide, you move farther away from your long term goals (which should be getting to a better place where you feel strong, resilient, optimistic and whole again.) And that when you do backslide, keep in mind that you're both STILL not right together, you're still broken up, and he/she is still moving on. It's simply not worth it. 7. It won't work unless you are number one. The last and final commandment, described as being the most important is this. You have to learn to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, lasting relationship you're looking for. Being number one means you can take care of yourself when no one else will, because there are times in our lives when we are all we have, and knowing we can get through those times is not only reassuring but a really attractive quality to have. People love to help one another, but no one has time to carry you. And you don't want to be carried. If you take anything away from this book, it should be that you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with and certainly not by what you give up to be with that person. Finding a way to love yourself (because lets face it.. during a breakup, you honestly don't) won't happen over night, but realize this: the part of you that got to read this entire thing is the part that loves you, so you know it exists. Listen to that voice, because it wants you to win, and break free of the misery. I hope this post leads some of you guys on the right track to feeling better - Paige. Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful4someday Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Great post! Link to post Share on other sites
roman_pavluchenko Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 hey where did you buy the book from? I went to buy it from the "dymmocks" book store the other day but i couldn't find it! Link to post Share on other sites
D78 Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 (edited) Victim pants Thanks for the excerpts and the commandments. It sounds like a great book. I wish I had purchased it a few months back, and I hope I won't need it in the future! I love the backsliding explanation. That's something many books and websites leave out. Edited March 5, 2011 by D78 used an annoying '/' when I should have used 'and' Link to post Share on other sites
Author paiger Posted March 5, 2011 Author Share Posted March 5, 2011 hey where did you buy the book from? I went to buy it from the "dymmocks" book store the other day but i couldn't find it! I bought it from Chapters Link to post Share on other sites
MissMoni Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I got my copy from Amazon for 99 cents. Great book! Link to post Share on other sites
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