Do women really focus only on ONE guy at a time...or...

[irc333]

....is it just an excuse?

 

When women tells a man, "I'm seeing this guy, and I'm seeing how this works out."

 

Does it mean they're only focusing on ONE guy, and if they're not even dating them, why not meet more than one guy? Why the focus on the one guy?

 

I get this from women from time to time, and I'm starting to think it's a cop-out, but I have heard women (speaking in general conversation) that they can't even see more than one guy at at time.

 

true, false?

[Mrlonelyone]

I look at that as being very similar to a woman claiming to have a boyfriend. In my mind a woman saying

 

"I have a boyfriend" = "I'm seeing this guy, and I'm seeing how this works out."

 

Some people just don't apply the word boyfriend until they are dam dear ready to be engaged.

 

On the other hand, just like the boyfriend line women have been known to throw that out there for a number of reasons.

 

1.) As a way to get rid of a man they aren't interested in.

 

2.) A a way to select only men who have the backbone not to fear competition. (get rid of the "weak" willed men.)

 

3.)As a way to make themselves sound less desperate than they really are.

 

4.)As a way to signal that they need a man to be discrete about his interest in him because she's open to a fling. The same way a married woman will mention her husband as she slips you her number.

 

Some people will tell you it can only ever be...or is most likely the first option. Don't believe that must be the case. You know the context you hear this in. Judge based on the totality of the situation.

 

Yes women can and do see more than one man at a time. Remember that women will not advertise this fact openly (see reason number four above). Our society judges women who do that harshly. i.e. calls them tramps, sluts, hoe's, etc... In fact according to certain scientific research it's more natural for women to seek out a variety of men to meet their needs. Certain men for impregnating them ... men with inheritable desirable features. Certain other men for caring for the children and so on. Not unlike the fact that it may be more natural for men to want to have children with a variety of women. Like somehow our DNA just knows that mixing and matching a diverse gene pool is advantageous. Our cultures tell us not to indulge in such behavior for a variety of reasons.

Edited March 5, 2011 by Mrlonelyone

[Intricategirl]

You're not going to find one answer to this question. Women are completely unique individuals (just as men are), and they could mean any number of things. So what MrLonelyOne said is accurate- she could mean a lot of different things by it.

 

That being said, when I say it, here's what I mean... It means I've been seeing a guy for a little bit. Maybe only a few months. I'm not ready to get married, and I'm not sure if that's even on the horizon. I'm still feeling out whether we share the same values, headed in the same direction, etc. But it also means not only am I not looking, I'm actively NOT looking. I'm not flirting, I'm not leading people on, I'm not making eyes at anyone else. I'm getting to know HIM. And if you want to get to know me, assume you've been friend-zoned.

 

And I guess if there's any common thread across what most women mean when they say it, it's that- assume you've been friend-zoned or will be if you continue to pursue her.

[Jazzari]

I think its often used as an excuse, but for me it's very true.

 

I'm unable to date more than one man at a time. I don't date someone unless I really like them and I'm not interested in anyone else while I'm with them. Even if its only the beginning stages.

[jadedone]

you apparently haven't noticed the multiple threads about multi=dating women.

 

It's a cop out. If she wants to to date you she will.

[Woggle]

If she tells you she has a boyfriend it might mean just that. You guys complain when women date a bunch of guys but them get angry when they are honest women and reject you. You should be glad that there are honest and faithful women out there.

[irc333]

Well, I emailed this woman, and that's what she told me, then later in the week, I saw he signed in.

 

I emailed her saying, "So you're seeing someone, but still on here"

 

and suprisingly she rseponded, "Umm, yeah, just because I'm seeing someone, doesn't mean I'm going to delete my ad, I don't ignore messages sent to me (which I find hard to believe, uninterested women don't respond to personal dudes they aren't interested in....usually...ESP if they are seeing someone.) She says if she does get a message, she will respond to it.

 

Just like she responded to mine.

 

She was very good at stating the already obvious.

 

You guys complain when women date a bunch of guys but them get angry when they are honest women and reject you. You should be glad that there are honest and faithful women out there.

 

Hey, I'm not complaining, not sure why soemone has to put all their eggs in one basket though.

 

I think its often used as an excuse, but for me it's very true.

 

I'm unable to date more than one man at a time. I don't date someone unless I really like them and I'm not interested in anyone else while I'm with them. Even if its only the beginning stages.

[irc333]

Um, people multi-dated in the olden days, too. lol

 

 

irc she probably doesn't multidate. i applaud her and any woman out there who approaches dating the old fashioned way

[jane100]

You're not going to find one answer to this question. Women are completely unique individuals (just as men are).

 

Absolutely and wonderfully phrased.

 

As regards IRC and it used to happen in the past of course - i agree - it was called having "suitors", which by the way was entirely respectable!

[Butterflying]

I've never been good at serial dating. Even though I know there are lots of different guys who could possibly be great mates. If I've found at least ONE that I like enough to have more than one date with, I prefer to focus on him for a while. Just long enough to tell rather it's going to work between us.

 

I don't expect commitment right away and don't consider myself in a relationship with a guy just because he's the only one I'm dating. It's just so hard to remember all the facts about different guys when you're dating so many at the same time.

 

"Wich one likes polo? Which one likes golf? Is he 34 or 29? What is his child's name? Have I already told him the story about my ski trip?"

 

Not keeping up with these little details can make me appear disinterested in a guy even when I like him. He may think I'm a player.

[xpaperxcutx]

Multidaters tend to be number specific- ie. seeing multiple people vs. seeing one guy.

 

For me, if I'm seeing someone in the early stages of dating where things are still casual, I would say " I'm seeing this guy but at the moment I do not know where it's going".

 

This always, always implies, that I'm feeling him out in regards to dating exclusively but the subject of being exclusive has not yet been brought up or breached.

[NoMagicBullet]

I'd say "I'm seeing this guy, and I'm seeing how this works out," if it were true. And if I'm really interested in this guy, but it's still early in the dating relationship, I might not disable or delete an online dating profile -- because I'd be afraid the guy I'm seeing (if I met him on the site) would think I was ready to move ahead to exclusivity too quickly and get scared off. Sometimes you're really interested but it's too early to tell if things will get more serious.

 

In other situations, it would depend. I could see multi-dating in the very early stages, but being discrete about it, and only if I wasn't attracted to one man far more than the others yet. Eventually I'd want to focus on one man.

[Movingthrough]

I feel like if you are multi-dating you are going from one to the other because they all dont work for you. If one worked then you wouldnt have to multi-date.

[Duckduckgoose]

A lot of women are already juggling enough crap and don't want to worry about multi-dating.

 

I don't plan to have all sorts of men on a string when I start dating again... I can only really remember things about one man at a time. Too many men and the lines start getting blurry.

 

So I personally would only focus on one male at a time. I might have male friends, but that's different. I am not dating them.

[LonerGirl]

Personally, I can't be interested in more than one guy at a time, even if we are just dating. My friend on the other hand has no problem dating 2-3 guys at once. I guess this is because I will only date a guy I know I have lots if interest in, however my friend enjoys getting to know each other better in a date setting. I'd rather be friends with him first, then date. Everyone is different I suppose.

[daphne]

What I don't understand is why you are confrontational with these women. Can you not just accept either way that the woman is not seeking something with you, instead of taking it personally and emailing to call her out on it?

 

I think you'd be happier if you'd let things go and stop trying to control things. I think you get worked up more so than most, over things that are outside of your control. May as well just shrug your shoulders, move on and anticipate that better is yet to come.

[Imajerk17]

It's a sign that she doesn't want to date you now. Sometimes its valid, sometimes it's a cop-out.

 

If you hadn't even met yet, it doesn't really matter which. It was nice of her to get back to you with an answer--that she is not into dating you. Whether the rationale she gave you was valid or just an excuse is really besides the point.

 

You know what? I have used that line myself and I am a guy. When I started online dating, I didn't like not responding when a woman writes me a nice first email. But then I'd look at her profile and see that she wasn't what I was looking for. I mean, she'd seem nice but she wasn't my type. So I'd often write her back with the "I'm already seeing a couple women right now ad that's enough for me".

[SunshineD]

I have said it because I meant it. I have tried really hard to see more than one man at a time, because in theory it seems like a great idea, great timesaver. But I just can't emotionally extend myself. I agree wholeheartedly with the person who said earlier that it's too hard to keep up with specifics about each guy's story. That's what women do when we're interested. Men seem to be able to see people and not attach. I'd love to have that gene. I'm just in a different place in life, where I'm only looking for a very specific kinda guy, so if one shows up and it's good, you work it til, really, well you see what happens.

[Imajerk17]

What daphne said. irc333, no offense but I am detecting some whining in your threads. You seem to be complaining a lot about how the way women date isn't fair.

 

It is what it is. Women tend to go by that thing called "chemistry", which doesn't really make a lot of sense to many of us dudes, and which often leads women into making horrible choices in whom they date. Some women even have the princess mentality. A lot of women are flakey. And yes, a few women are out there just looking for validation.

 

So the "I only date one guy at a time" is sometimes truth, sometimes excuse. And yes, sometimes when it is true, the guy she is seeing doesn't have as much going for him as you do. C'est la vie.

 

Men aren't perfect either. We put an awful lot of emphasis on "looks" and put up with some pretty bitchy treatment from some turbo-hottie while we overlook some great girls out there because they aren't our type physically. We sometimes are a lot more interested in a girl before first sex, and less interested after.

 

That isn't going to change.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Imajerk17