Can I really trust him this time?

[bittersweet]

I'm very confused right now. My b/f was cheating and now we are trying to work things out. He tells me I can trust him but how can he expect me to right away? We both want to put it all behind us and work on our relationship but I know for a fact that the other girl is not letting go. She has a very immature way of handling things. Last week he told her to stop calling and then she ran around telling lies that she was pregnant. How am I supposed to deal with this? Should I believe that what they had is really over?

 

It would be pretty hard for him to get away with seeing her again b/c she lives 2 hours away now... but I also know at any moment things could go sour and he could easily be drawn to her temptation and walk out on me.

 

Am I supposed to leave him and make him "think"?

Am I supposed to to give it all I got like he says to and risk being stabbed in the back?

Am I supposed to nag him every moment and take the chance of losing him over my insecurities?

 

I know many of you will tell me "once a cheater always a cheater" but I've been with this guy 6 years and we both want to work on things for a future.

 

Any advice for the best outcome? What is the right way to handle a situation like this w/o spoiling my hopes? Is it possible that by letting it all go that things will be okay eventually?

 

PLEASE help me! Whether you've been the one to give a second chance or the one who was cheating- what means what...

[SCK-]

Hmm i was in a similar postion like yourself. the simple thing is that you are not going to trust him right away regardless.

 

take a risk, if he said that it is over, then leave it at that. if your gut instinct tells you otherwise or he is going back to his old ways well then your solution has presented itself

[FreeMe]

If you really want to work things out I think you have to tell him that HE'S the one who screwed up and cheated and YOU shouldn't have to be the one to pay for that. HE ruined your trust and HE has to do whatever you need him to do to regain it. Basically, his life should be an open book to you. HE is the one who messed it up. Trust has to be earned - he destroyed your trust and now HE has to be the one to work and rebuild it, with as much patience from you as possible. If he's serious about making it work with you, then he has to pay a price in a little less freedom until you feel safe again.

 

Personally, I could never take a cheater back.

[agnf666]

Usually, once a cheater is always a cheater. If you love him alot then it is your decision to stay with him.You also have to think he may do it agian. If a guy cheated on me his ass would have a nice foot in it.I think it would depend on how you found out about the whole thing. Like if he told you or it was a friend. He will do it agian!!! If you been with him for 6 years then you could try to stay but, I would have lost a little trust in the relationship

[bittersweet]

Thanks for the feedback-

 

The hardest thing about all of this is when we are around each other. Part of me just wants to show him what he almost lost. He knows how bad he messed up and actually tells me he doesn't know how to groove it to me. He tells me he actions speak louder than words and its too much for him to discuss everyday. Maybe b/c he realizes how much he hurt me and doesn't know how to make me feel better without me thinking he's bull s***ing.

 

The thing I worry about is this other girl someday taking him away from me again. She is nothing like me. He tells me the reason why he cheated with her is b/c I nagged him so much even when he wasn't doing anything wrong. With her- he didn't need to reassure her as much b/c things were new. He says he has no feelings for her but it was just the way she accepted him for who he is. He has issues in his life that he needs to take care of and when I'm around, it puts pressure on him. When he was with her- he could "stand still".

 

Hopefully this doesn't back-fire in my face. I'm going to do what he says I can feel safe doing- put it in the past. Then I have to see if he really was sorry or just playing games. He knows the minute he saw her I'd find out again. I just wonder how he's gonna handle it when she asks to see him again. Then , the truth will show. Once I get past that, I'll be able to trust him more and more everyday.

 

I keep telling him, "You DON"T have to be with me..." and he says, "I know that and I wouldn't be with you if I didn't want to be..." Sometimes he just makes me feel like he only stays b/c I was willing to give another chance.

[mommy78]

Usually, once a cheater is always a cheater.

 

I dont remember who said that here earlier, but I dont believe once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. I've cheated before and know I will NEVER do it again. I love my man unconditionally and would never hurt him like that.

 

My dad has been a single father as well. He has cheated and now that he's settled, he will NEVER do it again. So it all depends on the person. It takes time for a guy to mature and figure out what he wants in LIFE in general. Most men, figure out what they want in there late 20's early 30's. Well....from my experience.

[agnf666]

Usually, as in maybe they are or aren't going to cheat agian. I seen it happen so many times to my friends and stuff. That we are lead to believe that stuff. I'm glad to hear that you will never do it agian. Why would you do it in the first place????

[magda]

He's essentially laying blame for his cheating on you for nagging him in the past, from the sound of it, and setting it up so that if he does it again or if things don't work out, it's your fault for nagging. I think he pretty much guilted you into taking him back based on that reasoning.

 

It sounds like he has serious problems with taking responsibility for his own actions and his own life. If when you're around he feels pressured and reminded of things he needs to take care of so he goes around ****ing girls and acting like a playboy, it doesn't sound like he's a quality long-term, serious boyfriend, ya know? Do you always want to be his reminder of the real world or wouldn't you rather he care about such things of his own accord and you get to be a supporter and someone he can relax with? Dealing with this guy could be more trouble than it's worth. Six years is a long time to throw away, but in my opinion it is he that is throwing it away by putting this kind of pressure on you. You are simply holding him accountable for his behavior. Why live your life as a watchdog??

 

In my opinion you should really try and distance him. You shouldn't have to babysit someone you love just so you're sure they don't stab you in the back. If you're worried he will, you are in serious need of a real, healthy relationship and you're not going to find one with him!

[bittersweet]

Hi everyone!

 

As it turns out- maybe I should not have been such a fool to give him another chance b/c he BROKE UP with me today. He says it has nothing to do with the other girl but he's just not happy anymore. He says he wants to "take a break" because he doesn't want to be tied down right now.

 

The funny thing about it all is that just 2 weeks ago he was looking at engagement rings and telling me he wants more security in our relationship. What's up with that? I'm figuring he wants to see the other girl again and knows he can't get away with it behind my back (b/c she lives hours away and he'd have to spend the night over).

 

He still says he wants me to mother his children, be his wife bla bla bla... why would he let me go then? He tells me there is nothing serious b/w him and the girl he cheated with. Basically I guess they are F*** buddies.

 

I'm hurting real bad though... it kills to hear that he wasn't happy for a while (even before he cheated) and I never saw it. I feel like I lost him forever now. People say he'll be begging for me back and deep down I want that but selfishly I want to make him suffer as much as possible. I never let him pay the price for breaking MY heart in the first place. I let down my defenses, put his mistake in the past, and felt like he was really happy with me the last few days.

 

I posted about 2nd chances and look where my stupidity left me. IIIIII was the one who was supposed to leave HHHHIIIMMMM- What should I do from here... What usually happens when something like this smacks you in the face?

[mommy78]

Bittersweet,

 

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. Something like that sort of happened to me last month. We argued about something that led me to accuse him of cheating and I drove off and left. He called, I didnt answer, so he left a message to tell me it was over because he couldnt deal with me anymore.

 

I was soooo hurt and surprised because he never ends things, its always me. So I had a taste of my own medicine. The good thing was that he didnt last too long. He ended up being depressed as I was.

 

I think you should "take a break" from all this drama. I kind of am. Remember my situation with the "not being able to trust him again so I accuse him of cheating..." yah...I'm still going through that. I dont know why I cant let it go and just trust him. He wants to see me n spend time with me on the days we normally do, but i hold back. I'm afraid to give in then find out he is. I dont know what he does on the days and nights he's not with me or my daughter. I mean, he tells me, but I dont believe him. Maybe I think he's too good to be true. One problem we had before was that he got sick of seeing me everyday because I would nagg (when we lived together). Now that we only see eachother 2-3 times a week, I know he doesnt get sick of me. Its too easy for him to cheat. But I cant tell.....

 

I feel for you sooo much and I understand what your going through! If I ever found out my bf got someone else pregnant, I would drop him in a second. I dont think I'd even hesitate to work things out because I'd be so angry. It would be too hard for me because we already have a child. But your very lucky that you didnt get pregnant. As for being with someone for 6 years, its hard to let go. No one is telling you what to do. You need to decide. But I can honestly tell you that you will get stronger after all of this is over with. Everything that my man has put me through in the past, has made me very strong, despite the trusting part (thats my weakness).

 

Keep us updated and dont forget that your not the only one out there that is facing "issues"

[bittersweet]

I just realized I was posting to you on your thread about "is he cheating."

Things have been very hard for me. We talked last night b/c our friend's grandfather passed away and he asked me to go with him to the wake. I really couldn't b/c I was studying in the library but I told him "show your respect the way you showed "her" your respect-- take a cab!" I get very nasty with him but I don't know how else to act. He let me down so badly. He is the one who was cheating. I gave him a second chance and all the sudden that wasn't what he even wanted. He tells me he just wants to take a break...

 

He keeps putting the other girl down. I know I'm a whole lot more than her. She is basically a 20 year old stripper who lives house to house. I don't know what he sees in her that he didn't see in me. Tomorrow will be hard b/c I know he is probably planning to take the train to spend the weekend with her. Its hard to think about all that when I'm home without him now.

 

He text me before saying "Chris said thanks :)"... Chris is our friend he told I was sorry for not being able to come to wake. I didn't text him back...I haven't called and it is so hard. I feel like there is no reason to talk unless he wants to make me go off on him. Part of me wants to go there and let it all out.

 

I'm hoping in time he will realized the mistake he made but sometimes he seems so selfish to not even care. He's ahead of the game. He already has his "rebound girl" waiting for him and I'm the one who is suffering now.