whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Would you be willing to do marriage counselling with her? Do you two have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 I wouldnt have her call everyone... That would only make things worse... I would leave her for cheating though. Can you explain to me why you think it would be a bad move? I am considering separation. Maybe some time alone is what I will need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Would you be willing to do marriage counselling with her? Don't know. I have heard mixed reviews. That it doesn't work for everyone. Do you two have kids? We have our son. He's 2-years-old. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Don't know. I have heard mixed reviews. That it doesn't work for everyone. We have our son. He's 2-years-old. You both owe it to eachother, to give it your best, and to your 2 year old. Atleast if it doesn't work, you'll know you tried. To give up and walk away without giving it your best,, well, you may regret it one day. Counselling should happen either way, even if you two end up divorcing, you'll still co parent together and be in eachother lives forever because of your 2 year old. Link to post Share on other sites
dextm Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 What does cheating in November have to do with anything? You should have dealt with it back then..... now you're going to bring it up 6 months later? Link to post Share on other sites
Carrot2000 Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 It was nice of her, I agree. But I still question her loyalty to our marriage. We may need to separate for a while. Man, f&ck those flowers! Tell her if she gets out of line like that ever again you'll be forced to give her a taste of her own medicine--maybe you'll make a joke about how she screwed that dude at work. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate you blabbing about that...maybe she'll be more careful with her "jokes" once she understands that the knife cuts both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 She came home this evening with flowers and told me she was sorry when my husband's being a jackass and expects to be let off the hook because he utters the words "I'm sorry," I pointedly remind him that saying "sorry" means he understands the pain he's caused, and that he realizes that he must ensure that he doesn't do that particular thing again, and that repeated apologies ring false if he doesn't learn the lesson behind them. That said, I think you ought to tell your wife that "sorry" is deeper than just her guilt and wanting to set things straight, it's about changing offensive behavior so that it doesn't happen again. Otherwise, she thinks she's getting a hall pass for saying the magic words. as for her calling her family and retracting what she's said? Bad idea, because it only reinforces in their minds that the "joke" they shared was hurtful, and they'll just use it like ammo. frankly, it's time to confront her and tell her she's being rude, immature and there's really nothing she can do to make amends except grow the eff up. Then treat her politely but don't invite any kind of intimacy from her. This is not game-playing as much as it is letting her know that you're not putting up with immature nonsense, that y'alls relationship deserves better. Make her work for it, in the sense that she starts taking responsibility for those hurtful things she says and does, not just expect you to be the nice guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 What does cheating in November have to do with anything? You should have dealt with it back then..... now you're going to bring it up 6 months later? So because it happened 6 months ago I'm just supposed to forget she ever did this to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 Man, f&ck those flowers! Tell her if she gets out of line like that ever again you'll be forced to give her a taste of her own medicine--maybe you'll make a joke about how she screwed that dude at work. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate you blabbing about that...maybe she'll be more careful with her "jokes" once she understands that the knife cuts both ways. You made me laugh at your comment because I actually I did think about saying something about her cheating but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Silly me I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 She came home this evening with flowers and told me she was sorry when my husband's being a jackass and expects to be let off the hook because he utters the words "I'm sorry," I pointedly remind him that saying "sorry" means he understands the pain he's caused, and that he realizes that he must ensure that he doesn't do that particular thing again, and that repeated apologies ring false if he doesn't learn the lesson behind them. That said, I think you ought to tell your wife that "sorry" is deeper than just her guilt and wanting to set things straight, it's about changing offensive behavior so that it doesn't happen again. Otherwise, she thinks she's getting a hall pass for saying the magic words. as for her calling her family and retracting what she's said? Bad idea, because it only reinforces in their minds that the "joke" they shared was hurtful, and they'll just use it like ammo. frankly, it's time to confront her and tell her she's being rude, immature and there's really nothing she can do to make amends except grow the eff up. Then treat her politely but don't invite any kind of intimacy from her. This is not game-playing as much as it is letting her know that you're not putting up with immature nonsense, that y'alls relationship deserves better. Make her work for it, in the sense that she starts taking responsibility for those hurtful things she says and does, not just expect you to be the nice guy. Thanks Quankanne for that summary. I especially like what you said about making her work for it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 You made me laugh at your comment because I actually I did think about saying something about her cheating but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Silly me I know. You should tell her this. Tell her that for a split second you considered blurting out that she cheated on you infront of everybody because you were so upset and pissed off for her opening her big mouth. Ask her how SHE would have felt if you told and everybody knew she cheated? There's your zinger to really make her stop and think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 6, 2011 Author Share Posted March 6, 2011 You should tell her this. Tell her that for a split second you considered blurting out that she cheated on you infront of everybody because you were so upset and pissed off for her opening her big mouth. Ask her how SHE would have felt if you told and everybody knew she cheated? There's your zinger to really make her stop and think. Thanks Whichwayisup. So much good advice I must soak in. We will talk tonight and I will tell you all how it went. I appreciate you guys for helping. I'll be back soon. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Thanks Whichwayisup. So much good advice I must soak in. We will talk tonight and I will tell you all how it went. I appreciate you guys for helping. I'll be back soon. You're very welcome! Glad to help. Link to post Share on other sites
dextm Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 So because it happened 6 months ago I'm just supposed to forget she ever did this to me? If you forgave her months ago, you shouldn't be using this issue as ammo for your present issue... that is of course unless you never cleared this issue with her and still resent her for cheating on you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 If you forgave her months ago, you shouldn't be using this issue as ammo for your present issue... that is of course unless you never cleared this issue with her and still resent her for cheating on you. I don't think he said anywhere that he forgave her. More like it got swept under the rug, if anything.. ANyway, it can take 2-4 years to work through an affair and betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 You cant just "forgive" someone for cheating on you... It takes a lot of hard work... For me, impossible work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 We did talk last night while we were in bed. Told her I didn't appreciate what she did and if she did it again, I was going to move her stuff to her mother's and we can separate and divorce. I told her she knew that I didn't want her putting my business out there for everyone to hear and her disrespecting me and cheating on me makes me wonder if she really cares about our marriage. I told her she wouldn't like it if I told everyone how her breath smells sometimes and how she screwed her OM. She said she was very sorry and didn't think. I said that's her problem right there. I said she never thinks before she acts. Just plain ****ing selfish. I said she never once thought about me or our son when she hooked up with OM. I was pretty angry by then. She asked me what can she do to make it up to me. I told her to figure it out her damn self then I got up and went to sleep in our guest room. I avoided her most of today. She tried to cuddle with me but I wasn't up to it so she went to bed and cried herself to sleep this afternoon. I sat in my office and read my book and watched TV. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow after I get home from work or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I feel more hurt. I feel like she threw me away. Reading how a cheater thinks and knowing my wife compartmentalized me and our son to screw someone else. Someone's hand I shook while I was at her old job. And now her doing this to me this past weekend. I feel hopeless staying with her the more I think about this. And looking at my son just breaks me down even more. And I'm alone. No one to talk to. It's literally a cold realization knowing that I must get over this somehow on my own, ultimately. Can't even go to my own family for help. This may sound weird but sometimes I imagine sitting on a bench alone in the dark below a street light while it's snowing with my head down. It's how I feel. Alone in cold weather with nobody in sight. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I feel more hurt. I feel like she threw me away. Reading how a cheater thinks and knowing my wife compartmentalized me and our son to screw someone else. Someone's hand I shook while I was at her old job. And now her doing this to me this past weekend. I feel hopeless staying with her the more I think about this. And looking at my son just breaks me down even more. And I'm alone. No one to talk to. It's literally a cold realization knowing that I must get over this somehow on my own, ultimately. Can't even go to my own family for help. This may sound weird but sometimes I imagine sitting on a bench alone in the dark below a street light while it's snowing with my head down. It's how I feel. Alone in cold weather with nobody in sight. I don't think that's weird- it seems reasonable. I know how it feels to feel like you're abandoned by your partner and you have little or no support. Basically, regardless of her cruel, selfish behavior, you have to live for yourself (and your child, of course). You have to find what makes you happy, despite her. Work on your own happiness, seperate from hers. I realize that this is an anonymous forum, but you don't have to feel alone and unsupported- you have everyone here. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I feel more hurt. I feel like she threw me away. Reading how a cheater thinks and knowing my wife compartmentalized me and our son to screw someone else. Someone's hand I shook while I was at her old job. And now her doing this to me this past weekend. I feel hopeless staying with her the more I think about this. And looking at my son just breaks me down even more. And I'm alone. No one to talk to. It's literally a cold realization knowing that I must get over this somehow on my own, ultimately. Can't even go to my own family for help. This may sound weird but sometimes I imagine sitting on a bench alone in the dark below a street light while it's snowing with my head down. It's how I feel. Alone in cold weather with nobody in sight. I know you may not be into this idea, but go talk to a professional to help you cope with this. And/or do marriage counselling with her. You two have to solve this, either way. learn how to communicate and truly listen to one another, change the dynamic and BE husband/wife again. Neither of you can live life like this and it isn't fair to your son. He may not understand what's going on ,but he can feel the energy in the air at home. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Basically, regardless of her cruel, selfish behavior, you have to live for yourself (and your child, of course). You have to find what makes you happy, despite her. Work on your own happiness, seperate from hers. The best advice I've seen so far on this thread. I second this. I would also add that it would probably be best if you divorce her. She's shown that she cannot keep her mouth shut and legs closed, and all the trust is out the window. Live for your son and yourself and find a real woman. Mature women who truly love their man don't do this sort of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mindface Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I want to thank you guys again for your advice. I'm busy now but I'll update later. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 deep breaths, mindface – and know that your honest (if angry) response to her the other night is a good start for honest communications. Hopefully, she'll understand that trying to insinuate herself back into good graces isn't the way to do it, that she's got to work on changing those negative aspects about herself that affect the relationship. Frankly, she's got a lot of work cut out for herself, and I hope that she rises to the occasion because she realizes just what a blessing she's got in you and the little family she's created. if she doesn't ... well, as hard as it is to hear, it could be for the best, because you deserve the love and respect of a good woman who understands this isn't how a healthy relationship works. as another poster writes, look into counseling, for the both of you as well as for yourself. My husband and I did a marriage encounter weekend through the church and it made a world of difference in how we were able to communicate with each other – he tells people it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage, even though he was initially dead-set against it! don't give up hope, buddy – but don't be blinded either Link to post Share on other sites
phillyfan Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Pretty mad. We had dinner at our house with both of our families last night and she humiliated me in front of everyone. I felt so foolish smiling while everyone was laughing at me and making fun of me even more. It was horrible and that hurt me really bad. Then when everyone was gone she tried to soothe me and seduce me like everything's alright. I blew up on her and cussed her out. I got so heated that I had to sit down before I passed out. I got a little dizzy. This has also brought back my thoughts of leaving her for good because of her ONS she had in November with her former co-worker. Won't even feel right speaking to my family or hers anymore. **** em all. Maybe I'll leave her then move out of the state to start a new life. DUDe - DO IT. Who the f**k does she think she is treatin u like that. And shes already had a ONS and still treats u like that? Hell if u were takin her bk for a 2nd chance she shud be actin like Miss Perfect but she does this? Hell, get outta dodge u r too good for this. Do it. Get out, find a new life, new town, new girl. Come post in a yr and tell us how awesome life has turned out 4 u At the least leave her n tell ur families that they hurt u the otha nite and that u dont xpect anyone to eva come into ur house n treat u that way again. Link to post Share on other sites
sniffys Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 op, your comment is kind of one sided. what did she say and what prompted her to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
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