Gwen25 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 i broke up with my boyfriend of many years last spring. and voila, i meet this amazing man at work. we had so much in common, we laugh at the same things, think the same way. unfortunately, he had been in an off again/on again relationship with his girlfriend of several years at that time. so i thought, wow, here's a great guy but he's in a relationship, so i don't want to mess with that. but i always got these signals (even when he was seeing his gf) that he was interested in me. strong signals (nothing physical), just enough that even a dumb girl like myself could understand that he was interested. i was confused, but i didn't think anything of it, because i wouldn't want to mess up his relationship, no matter how unstable it was. suddenly, this winter, i hear from him and he tells me that he broke up with his gf. apparently, they had been engaged for a while 2 years ago but split due to family problems from the gf's side. she even dated someone and was proposed to but left that guy. then they tried dating again after some time (starting around last summer) but the gf kept pressuring him into marriage. i guess he was just really confused about it due to his prior bad engagement experience with her, so he finally broke up with her over this winter to think things through. that's when i come into the picture. we started talking and really, really enjoying each others' company. we dated, hung out at each others' places, we had talks til 7am! i felt like i had met my soulmate! it took us forever to kiss because he kept telling me that he still wasn't sure about his ex and that he didn't want to end up hurting me. i was initially hesistant also, but thought, well, he isn't dating anyone, so its not cheating. so i said that i understood and that it was fine by me to not kiss, that we could just be friends. so even though we weren't initially physical, we were still getting more and more emotionally intimate. so our relationship came to a point where we just couldn't resist each other. we just kissed though, nothing more happened. i wouldn't allow anything to happen unless the ex was totally out of the picture. things were going great for a while, he even said that us being together reminded him of when he and his ex first started dating, before all the bad engagement stuff happened...meaning that he was so sure of them back then (implying that this was obviously up there as well) which meant a lot to me. because for me, this was the best relationship i had had. then the ex told him that she was going to move out of state unless he decided to get back with her, she just wanted to leave the state if there was no future with him. so a few days ago, we ended our 'relationship' so he could take time to figure things out. i mean, he has a significant past with her, was engaged to her and had broken up with her to figure out if he wanted to marry her. for me, it was so painful to see this end...we were just starting a relationship. i haven't talked to him yet and haven't seen him either. i told him to get in touch when he did figure things out. i guess i'm looking for advice from you guys about what to do if he choses his ex. what do i tell him? i don't want to be a bitchy girl and make him feel guilty or yell at him...i think i'm more mature than that now. and although we have such a strong connection, i have this feeling that he will end up with her and that hurts me so much. i feel like something is so wrong in a relationship if a guy can feel so intimate with another person. feeling attracted to another person when you are in a relationship is different, but actually being intimate is something different (and i feel emotional intimacy is so much more powerful than physical intimacy - that is just instant gratification). i mean, how can you be so extremely close to me and then decide to get married to another girl the next day? he's a great guy and i know he didn't do this to hurt me. but what do i tell him that is still mature but tells him how i feel? although i still don't know what happened btw his ex, i just think i'm going to be hurt. i would really, really appreciate your advice. thanks a zillion! gwen PS. have posted it elsewhere also, b/c i'm not sure where this belongs. Link to post Share on other sites
SCK- Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Well if he gets back with his X then i think that you should move. As hard as it may seem he still clearly is emotionally attached to his X. I can see why though, they have had a relationship for nearly 7 years, some times people cant let habits go good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
look forward Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 My advise to you would be to steer well clear.. even if he doesn't end up with his ex he clearly is still emotionally connected to her and his confusion now only emphahises that. He seems like he truely doesn't want to hurt you and my fear is that if he doesn't end up with his ex you will be the shoulder to cry on so to speak and end up being a rebound relationship... People need time to heal and find themselves again when they come out of a long term relationship.. You guys clearly have a connection but maybe its just bad timing.... Try and get on with your life without him as I think this may all end in tears probably yours.... If its meant to be you will be together... Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Sounds like he needs time, definately, and that you could get hurt. Be careful. Step back and prepare yourself to walk forward alone. If in time he seems truly over the ex and comes to you, so be it. But he sounds too attached to her still at this stage. If he says he's sticking with her, keep your pride, wish him well, say what you had was good, and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwen25 Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 you guys are right, i should steer clear. i guess i needed a reality check. i really, really care for this guy, but you're right, he's still so attached. besides, i never ever want his ex (or soon-to-be-wife) to be hurt because of me...i'm not one to enjoy happiness while someone else is miserable. but the last thing i want to be labeled as is a rebound relationship...that really sucks. it wouldn't be so hard for me to move on...i have no trouble attracting men or diverting my attention to other things. but unfortunately (or fortunately), i'm not ready to settle for just any joeschmoe. and this guy truly met my criteria...which is what makes it so hard to let go. SCK - i wouldn't move anywhere for anyone. i'm not the type of girl to give ultimatums, guilt trips or change my life for a guy. there's something to be said about maturity and dealing with relationships as adults. again, you're right, some people just can't let go of a bad habit. thanks a lot again, people. any more advice? Link to post Share on other sites
lisapisa Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 No. No. No. Run away, fast. This will turn into one of those on again, off again things that last for years but go nowhere. He's turning to you in rejection. Think girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gwen25 Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 i think you misunderstood me. i said that i wouldn't move out of state (like someone had suggested, i think). i will move on though. i have enough self respect to not put myself in the middle of someone else's relationship. like i said, he's an amazing guy. and maybe it was a rebound relationship, although there were so many clues that it wasn't. i think he was truly confused about me and his ex. why would he introduce me to his parents and his brothers if he really wasn't serious? anyhow, in my mind, i'm trying hard to convince myself that this is over and i am moving on. he's always on my mind, but i know the reality of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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