Sigh, failed relationship is just like a reflection of my entire life - FAILURE!

[dextm]

My expectations (when I was a kid, thought life was a breeze, and knew nothing): Have a lot of close/supportive friends/family members, be married or be in a committed, long term relationship by the age of 27, one or two kids by 30s, masters degree, high salary, self-owned real estate, car, etc., wanted to be an astronaut LOL. Most of the "cliche" things one would expect minus the astronaut part LOL.

 

Now (5 months before I hit 25 years of age): Very little, if any, close/supportive friends, bad to so-so relationship with parents (divorced), average relationship with sister, dumped around 5 weeks ago in my first committed, long term relationship, nowhere close to marriage/kids LOL, unfinished bachelors degree, average hourly wage, contract job with no chance of moving up, in huge debt for another 6 months or so (was literally rock bottom a year and half ago), no real-estate/car, living at home with mother...but still ALIVE and BREATHING so I guess I should be thankful for something...

 

Reading thru my own goals/expectations and seeing how I haven't met any, I feel like utter **** even if they were a bit too ambitious. I look at all the successful and unsuccessful people around me, every single person I've encountered or had interactions with in my life, and constantly ask myself: "How did I let myself become me?"

 

I did not grow up with a good childhood. At the age of 5, my dad filed for divorce, but my loving mother and sister still raised me up. My dad remained in the city but I never got to know him, and still know nothing much about him to this day. I struggled mightily with behavioural problems as a child - I was particularly mean, I did not like to share, I was demanding, and yet I was popular. This "sickness" continued on in my adolescent years and even escalated - I was mean, I bullied, even suspended multiple times for causing harm or doing something stupid, and yet I was still popular. I guess I can validate the theory that 'Girls love jerks/badasses' because it was true (even tho I didn't get any girls per say)!

 

I was much better in high school, and I'd say it was the highlight of my school life, because I focused much more on academics than improving my assholish behaviour (but still couldn't help myself at times). Result? I averaged high 80s/low 90s, got accepted into the best university in my city, was very happy, made the people around me happy, had the balls to finally date a cute girl in the last 3 months of senior year, ended up dumping her a week before prom for a hot supermodel girl from another school (very assholish of me).. Fast forward to university. Wow, what a big difference. From a school of < 1,500 to 50,000. Very few friends went to my uni, 0 went to my program. From quizzes and assignments to midterms and exams. It was serious business and I was not ready for it. I worked and tried very hard in first year but the results just weren't there. I got by with B's and C's. I thought I was "smart" but university made me DUMB. I started to falter in second year, joined the wrong group of people, fed my own addiction, and eventually started to lose everything. With embarrassing grades, I eventually dropped out of school for some time for myself to rethink about the future.

 

Instead, I turned my focus to making short term money, and turned a little, innocent, risk-free hobby into full-time gambling and gradually lost EVERYTHING including my government-borrowed tuition. Bad bad bad bad bad idea. I was essentially bankrupt and lived on credit for a few months. I was so depressed that I researched methods of death and contemplated suicide many times but could never bring myself to do it. In a last ditch attempt, by the grace of something Divine, perhaps God above, I landed a "high" paying job via referral (Been working there for almost 3 yrs now, with no uni degree and only minor experience). I continued to gamble for a few more months but finally quit for good after realizing I was not given the job to fund my addiction, but to FIX IT. I've been gamble-free for 16+ months now save the occasional office pool, raffle, lottery draw, etc..

 

Around the same time, in Winter 2010, I met and dated a co-worker for 1 year. Even though we are no longer together (as of Winter 2011), I can say that IT WAS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE. I'm not here to cry and beg, I won't even bother getting into the relationship specifics because this is the SELF-IMPROVEMENT forum.

 

Inside me, I know and feel that everything is somehow connected - the failed relationship, the failed ________(list anything) in the past, the self, life, work, family, friends, love, me being just alive despite all I've gone thru (self-inflicted)... I just can't fit the missing pieces together. But I want to. And need to. I will never achieve those childhood expectation/goals by 27, but better late than never, right ? Positive change is required in my life, but where do I begin? How do I begin? Where can I get free guidance?

 

I have strong plans to go back to post-secondary education in Fall 2011 or Winter 2012, but before I do so I am heading out to Barcelona, Spain on a solo trip to "gather my soul" and "live life temporarily" before the work grind. I really hope this trip brings me additional hope, motivation, and inspiration.

Edited March 6, 2011 by dextm

[AirbenderAang]

There is nothing wrong with you. You have the great gift of life and time. Oh, you may say that, "My life sucks", or even worse, "Because my life sucks, I am a failure and I will always be a failure. I have no hope of ever being happy and getting the life I want" That is all just your inner critic that distorts and warps your perspective of life. If you have the courage, you can challenge it and start living life to the fullest.

 

How do I do that?

 

One is to know that you can change your perspective at will. Questions are a prime beginning tool. In what ways am I not a complete and utter failure? In what ways am I successful? What do I have to be happy about my life right now? What can I do to change my life into a life I want to live? If you don't immediately come up with an answer persevere asking yourself the question until you do come up with something.

 

The other is to know that you have the power to build a beautiful and meaningful life. What is it that you want to be in your life? Friendship, companionship, love, stability? Whatever it is, start small and build up.

 

If you need guidance about cultivating a given area, then ask or browse through the ton of advice out there. Yet don't spend too much time finding the perfect advice. The biggest problems in life are not finding out what to do. The biggest problems in life is that we don't usually do what we know will make us happy. We sacrifice long term pleasure and peace for short term pleasure and anxiety avoidance. In other words, the secret to long term happiness is facing our inner demons. It is always difficult at first, but it gets easier. You develop strength and also you develop a longer lasting joy.

 

In short, one of the most important things in life is what we choose to do with our time. Fill your life with activities that make you feel good about yourself. If your life situation is not too your liking, then work towards making it better.