Fooled around and fell in love, now what?

[dare2go4it]

I am currently single, an OW who finds myself in love with a MM. I thought I had "seen it all," and could handle whatever happened. I've been through marriage, being cheated on, divorce, long term relationships, death of a partner, and most recently, being dumped by a long-term partner for a woman from overseas whom he met online. So I thought I was prepared for whatever happened next. But I guess not for this!

 

Feeling deeply hurt after being dumped, but determined to get on with life, I went online seeking companionship and fun. I found it. I was not looking for MM, was looking for singles. But allowed myself to get to know THIS particular MM, because he was so open and honest, and we have many interests in common.

 

The MM was up front about his situation. Said he WAS looking to share conversations, thoughts, and feelings, NOT just sex. BUT, he was NOT looking to leave his wife. His wife has become physically disabled, and also has psychiatric problems, but still lives at home, and the MM is her primary caregiver. He said he needed companionship and intelligent conversation, knew this was not the way that some people would handle this situation, but was looking for someone with whom to have a mutually caring, beneficial relationship, without judging each other.

 

We both meant to have a friendship with MAYBE occasional benefits, and did NOT mean to fall in love. But we have now fallen in love with each other, deeply, based on our common interests, experiences, feelings, and "typical" reasons for falling in love. It's not just the excitement of an affair. This story is probably as old as time. He says he would love to stay with me, but he goes home to his wife, because she needs his help, and he "promised for better or worse."

 

He is afraid that if he tells his wife the truth, she won't accept it, "won't share," and he will end up "losing" his daughters (both in their 20's, but one has some problems and still lives at home, and both are close with and important to Dad). The family home is one that he inherited from his grandparents, he has put a lot of work into it, and he probably doesn't want to lose his "home."

 

He says that if he were not married, he would be asking me to marry him. He says that if we are found out, he will come to live with me, and most recently, he has added that in that case, what he loses will be more than made up for by what he gets with me. He says he realizes this is not fair to anyone, but he feels that he must remain there to help his wife, yet he needs me and loves me, too. He says just knowing that I am here and I love him is what keeps him going.....

 

Neither he nor I really like lying or cheating. We both want to be honest people. I find myself caring about his wife and family, and wanting to help them all. I have no desire to compete with or hurt anyone. I just wish we could all be open and honest, and somehow all cooperate and get our needs met. His wife was not interested in him sexually or deeply as a partner for a while (probably several years, if I understand and believe his story) before she became ill. Now, she is either unable to meet his needs as a partner (obviously, she is both physically and mentally limited), or unwilling to do what she could do, and their roles in each other's lives are now mainly caregiver and patient. In the best of all possible worlds, he could remain her caregiver and be my partner, and it would all be OK. BUT.....life is never that simple.

 

I know this is wrong, but I love this man very deeply. I do believe him when he says he loves me. I just want to share our common interests, and we make each other very happy. He spends most of his time taking care of others (his wife, stay at home daughter, elderly parents, business customers), and it seems the time he spends with me is the only time when anyone is there for HIM. I love being there for him. I just wish this could be done WITHOUT the lying / hiding.

 

Do I date others, so that my life doesn't revolve around this MM? He is OK with that, does not want me to be unfairly tied down. But I don't really want a deep relationship with another man right now, since my heart is with the MM. Do I explain this to potential other dates? Do I wait and hope that things will change? Do I push for MM to do or change anything on his end? Is there anything I can do to "help" him make changes, without being a jerk? Thought I could handle this going into it.....now I am so in love, and so confused......

[woinlove]

You need to decide what it is you want and need. Do you want an exclusive R with this man? Do you want an open, shared R with this man?

 

Sounds like you do not want a secret, shared R with this man that involves deception but you are putting up with that for now, hoping something changes. Meanwhile, it could be that MM is already getting what he wants - to stay married and have his W think of him as a good H while secretly sharing an intimate life with you. Maybe not -- I don't know anything about him -- but some MM like to have both a W, M, family life and an OW. I just mention this because waiting for him to make a change might leave you waiting forever.

 

Best to decide what you want and then make a change yourself. If you want more, but would rather have what you have now than not have MM in your life, then you might be in for a lot of pain and hurt. It helps to think about how much you will tolerate less than you want and for how long. Even if you don't act on it right away, it helps to spend some time thinking about your own needs and desires and what you are willing to settle for or not. At some point, you may want to take action.

[Woman In Blue]

The MM was up front about his situation. Said he WAS looking to share conversations, thoughts, and feelings, NOT just sex. BUT, he was NOT looking to leave his wife. His wife has become physically disabled, and also has psychiatric problems, but still lives at home, and the MM is her primary caregiver.

Do you know this for a fact, or just because he told you so? You honestly wouldn't be the first OW who was told this type of story so the MM can have an affair but still have an excuse to go home every night and still look like the good guy. Unless you've actually seen this woman and/or met her, you only know what he's TOLD you - bottom line. And let's be brutally honest - most men who are willing to lie and cheat don't exactly rate a "10" on the integrity scale.

 

Go through your post and see how many times you typed the phrase, "he says." I lost count, it's so redundant in your post.

 

He says alot of things, but doesn't seem to be able to back up even ONE of those statements with actions, does he?

 

We both meant to have a friendship with MAYBE occasional benefits

Trust me, he wasn't looking for stimulating 'conversation' and a chat pal. He was trawling online for action and he got it. There are millions and millions of married men just like him, all online and all looking for action.

 

This story is probably as old as time. He says he would love to stay with me, but he goes home to his wife, because she needs his help, and he "promised for better or worse."

You don't find it hypocrticial as HELL that he's willing to use THAT vow as an excuse to keep his ass at home where he wants to STAY, yet he's perfectly willing to break the OTHER vows he made to his wife just so he can get some action on the side? I guess he's willing to pick and choose WHICH vows he's willing to break, all depending on how they serve HIM. What a selfish hypocrite. Come on - at least call a spade a spade!

 

He is afraid that if he tells his wife the truth, she won't accept it, "won't share," and he will end up "losing" his daughters (both in their 20's, but one has some problems and still lives at home, and both are close with and important to Dad).

LOL, even when the kids are full grown, these guys are STILL trying to play the kid card as an excuse not to leave. Unreal. What will it be 5 or 10 years from now - the grandkids? The great grandkids?

 

He says that if he were not married, he would be asking me to marry him.

 

"He says."

 

He says that if we are found out, he will come to live with me, and most recently, he has added that in that case, what he loses will be more than made up for by what he gets with me.

 

"He says."

 

He says he realizes this is not fair to anyone, but he feels that he must remain there to help his wife, yet he needs me and loves me, too. He says just knowing that I am here and I love him is what keeps him going.....

 

"He says."

 

He sure SAYS alot. Please let us know when what "he says" actually matches his ACTIONS. Until that time, it's nothing more than HOT AIR.

 

I know this is wrong, but I love this man very deeply.

 

Whew! Then that makes it A-OK if you love him.

 

I just wish this could be done WITHOUT the lying / hiding.

For YOU, it could be done without lying and sneaking. For him, it's ALWAYS going to be this way because he'll always be cheating on his supposedly 'invalid' wife. You, however, can actually meet a decent man who doesn't lie and deceive and you won't have to "hide" your relationship with him.

 

Do I date others, so that my life doesn't revolve around this MM?

I think you should dump Romeo's ass and date decent men. But that's just me.

[dare2go4it]

Thank you for the feedback. You're right, I do have a lot of thinking to do, not just about what he says, or about us, but about what I am doing and what I want. Writing my post and getting people's thoughts on it has helped me to see that I tend to be very concerned with the details of what others want and maybe not concerned enough for my own wellbeing down the line. Thanks!

[dare2go4it]

You're right, there are an awful lot of things that he has said, that he has not backed up with solid evidence or definite action. I was aware of this in the back of my mind, but not willing to consider the lengths to which this seemingly unique and sweet man might go to get what he wants for himself. Guess I thought I had seen, done, or heard it all before. Obviously, I still have some big blind spots! Any ideas on how I might get "proof" of his story (the supposedly disabled wife's condition, and the overall situation he describes)? I am not naturally a naive or overly trusting person, but you're right, I could be blind as a bat on this one. Unfortunately, I don't have megabucks to hire someone to check out his story. The only time I pressed him on it, he did offer to show me the wheelchair, but even I declined that, figuring ANY jerk with a big enough desire to build a "story" could get hold of a wheelchair in a pinch. In the beginning, I was just enjoying all the interests we had in common, and not worrying over the details, figuring this would be a short and fun R to make 2 depressed people happier. But now that there is "love" involved, and we are sharing things more deeply, I WOULD like to know for sure if this person with whom I am in love, really IS who he claims, in the situation that he claims to be in. That still wouldn't make cheating "right," but it would be halfway understandable. On the other hand, if he's lying about his wife's condition (the "reason" he claims to need companionship in the first place), then he's scum, and he's outta here. Any input on how to verify the "he says" stuff would be much appreciated! And thanks for the reality check.

[BB07]

dare2go4it said....... You're right, there are an awful lot of things that he has said, that he has not backed up with solid evidence or definite action. I was aware of this in the back of my mind, but not willing to consider the lengths to which this seemingly unique and sweet man might go to get what he wants for himself. Guess I thought I had seen, done, or heard it all before. Obviously, I still have some big blind spots!

I'm glad that your mind is open to the possibility that things may not be the way he says they are. Good thinking on your part to question the things he has told you. I know it's hard to wrap your head around the thought that someone who seems to be such a good man can in fact be evil, but I'm here to tell you that such men do exist. I found out the hard way. No I don't know that this man is one of the evil ones, but he could be.

 

 

Any ideas on how I might get "proof" of his story (the supposedly disabled wife's condition, and the overall situation he describes)? I am not naturally a naive or overly trusting person, but you're right, I could be blind as a bat on this one. Unfortunately, I don't have megabucks to hire someone to check out his story. The only time I pressed him on it, he did offer to show me the wheelchair, but even I declined that, figuring ANY jerk with a big enough desire to build a "story" could get hold of a wheelchair in a pinch. In the beginning, I was just enjoying all the interests we had in common, and not worrying over the details, figuring this would be a short and fun R to make 2 depressed people happier. But now that there is "love" involved, and we are sharing things more deeply, I WOULD like to know for sure if this person with whom I am in love, really IS who he claims, in the situation that he claims to be in. That still wouldn't make cheating "right," but it would be halfway understandable. On the other hand, if he's lying about his wife's condition (the "reason" he claims to need companionship in the first place), then he's scum, and he's outta here. Any input on how to verify the "he says" stuff would be much appreciated! And thanks for the reality check.

 

You gotta admit that there is something screwed up here if you feel a need to check into his story and yes I get why you do but really you should walk away. You said you were depressed. Do you realize getting involved with this man is not the answer and in fact could leave you with even bigger problems?

 

Do you live a lot of miles away from this guy? Have you met him in person?

 

Sweetie........I see so many red flags here its making my smoke alarm go off and you know what they say, if there is smoke there is ALWAYS a fire.

[spice4life]

You're right, there are an awful lot of things that he has said, that he has not backed up with solid evidence or definite action. I was aware of this in the back of my mind, but not willing to consider the lengths to which this seemingly unique and sweet man might go to get what he wants for himself. Guess I thought I had seen, done, or heard it all before. Obviously, I still have some big blind spots! Any ideas on how I might get "proof" of his story (the supposedly disabled wife's condition, and the overall situation he describes)? I am not naturally a naive or overly trusting person, but you're right, I could be blind as a bat on this one. Unfortunately, I don't have megabucks to hire someone to check out his story. The only time I pressed him on it, he did offer to show me the wheelchair, but even I declined that, figuring ANY jerk with a big enough desire to build a "story" could get hold of a wheelchair in a pinch. In the beginning, I was just enjoying all the interests we had in common, and not worrying over the details, figuring this would be a short and fun R to make 2 depressed people happier. But now that there is "love" involved, and we are sharing things more deeply, I WOULD like to know for sure if this person with whom I am in love, really IS who he claims, in the situation that he claims to be in. That still wouldn't make cheating "right," but it would be halfway understandable. On the other hand, if he's lying about his wife's condition (the "reason" he claims to need companionship in the first place), then he's scum, and he's outta here. Any input on how to verify the "he says" stuff would be much appreciated! And thanks for the reality check.

 

Do you live fairly close to him? You and/or a friend could rent a car and do a stake out to see if is really telling the truth. If his wife appears to be healthy and coming and going from the house without a wheelchair then you have your answer. Someone had suggested that in another forum I read from time to time. She said if you are in doubt that you are being told the truth then do a little detective work to see for yourself. Don't confront his wife or anything, just verify if he is telling you the truth. Did he ever tell you what was causing her to be disabled?

 

Or, you could simply end the A because you need more in your life then he can provide and let what you don't know about him go. The choice is yours.

[Emme]

I'm not sure what you want from life. It seems you are a woman of a certain age and if life has givein you every thing physically that you have desired then now you can live for you. I know he appreciates you but you have to find out like someone said above is everything he's saying true. If you are a woman who hasn't had children and would like to, you might need to end it. If you have lived and the fufillment he's offering can keep you whole stay with him. Seems the two of you have bonded out of horrible circumstances and that's a strong connection. How old are you? Are you ok being the other woman in his life without the benefits? What are you prepared to accept if he makes an offer to you?

[dare2go4it]

Here is a little more info for you and others reading my posts. I got so wrapped up in telling about what the MM said, I didn't explain about me very well! You established members are a great help, and a great source of perspective on here.

 

I am 49, have not had kids of my own, but have had the opportunity to be involved with friends' and partners' kids along the way, and that is enough for me. Although it has not been all with one man, I do feel that I have had a pretty decent life and some great experiences so far. The best 10 years were with a wonderful guy who unfortunately passed away young (53) due to cancer. We had a great R and home life, did some traveling, and got along great. I was involved with his kids from his previous marriage to a minor extent that suited all of us, and we also shared a houseful of pets, and many interests. So I have "had a life," and I am not counting on this current MM for kids, or as my only source of happiness, home life, or good experiences.

 

HOWEVER, now that I have gotten to know him, and we have so many interests in common and get along so well, I must admit that he is the man of my dreams, OTHER than the fact that he is a MM. Given the chance, I would be very happy to share a "normal" relationship with him, not just the hidden, limited, "time on the side as we can get it" MM / OW thing.

 

Regarding depression, it's something that I have been dealing with for many years, and coincidentally so has this MM. We are both used to dealing with it, and getting appropriate treatment, medication, etc., and are both aware of the risks that being in this type of relationship could pose to adding to our depression. So far, it is not dragging me down. In fact, the mutual enjoyment, admiration, support, and fun that the MM and I are currently sharing is and ANTI-depressant. But part of the reason I am on here, is because I want to get (and KEEP) perspective, and take care of myself, and NOT let this R with the MM drag me down, when / if the "halo effect" of new love wears off. Between that great 10 year relationship with the great guy, and now, there was a 7 year relationship with someone who SEEMED to be a wonderful person early on, developed many health problems (both physical and mental) over the years, and became emotionally abusive, then left me for someone from the Philippines whom he had only met online. SO.....that's where I was coming from when I went online seeking SINGLE men, and instead ended up meeting this very sweet, kind, smart, fun, but M man.

 

Regarding believing the MM's story or not, I tend to believe it, because I have worked in a medical setting before, and have unfortunately also been in a caregiver position for my elderly relatives, and for my partner who passed away, and a lot of what he says COULD easily be true. My reasons for doubting it are based on the idea that if someone is willing to cheat on his wife to get what he needs / wants, that tells me that he might also distort the facts to get what he wants. Not nice to think about, but still very possible. He does a lot of good things to help others, but nobody is a saint 24/7, and I have heard enough bull from some guys to know that they can spin some pretty wild stories when they want to. My heart says believe, my mind says question. So I am going to question, with the hope of ultimately finding out that I can believe him. Basically, I want some way of confirming the facts, or giving myself the heads up to get out, if he turns out to be lying. IF there is any possibility of our situation evolving into something more down the road, it would be good to know that. and if not, then best to find out NOW, rather than later. If it can NEVER happen, then I don't want to waste my life waiting. If it CAN happen, then I want to do what I can to make it work out well for ALL.

 

Distance is not much of a problem, as MM and I live within 25 miles of each other, which out here in the country is fairly close. And yes, we met online, but we now see each other in person several times per week, for at least a couple of hours per visit. The tough part is that we BOTH would like to be able to go OUT together and DO the things we enjoy in common.

 

To me, it would be a no brainer. If I were the partner whose physical and companionship needs were not met for the past 10 years (as MM says his needs have not been met for that long), then I would be explaining to my spouse that I would always remain her best friend, caregiver, coparent to the grown children, involved in family things, and whatever else she needs, but that I would also NEED to do things for my own sanity, like, in his case, having a companion (me). Yes, that would be VERY hard to discuss and do. But at least in my mind, HONESTY is always the best policy. Better to be HONEST with someone you have loved and shared a life with, and deal with it being complicated, than to have to live a lie around that person.

 

BUT, I can not live the MM's life for him, or make his choices for him. That's why I'm on here.....to figiure out what I CAN do.

[dare2go4it]

Great idea about the detective work. I was thinking along those lines but began to wonder if I was being too paranoid or "stalker-like" in my thinking. You're right, it's important to confirm the facts. I run a business that already involves travel, and although his neighborhood is not part of my normal route, I could easily stick his home address into my GPS one day, borrow a friend's vehicle (or even take the magnetic signs off my own car, since many around here look like it), and take a cruise by. He says he built a wheelchair ramp onto the front of their home, to help get her in and out. I know the address he gives is probably accurate, because he uses it for his business, as well. He is a contractor and is doing some work on my house. So, wheelchair ramp or not is an easy question to answer, and while he is working at my house, I can be cruising past his one day. This all sounds sneaky, but when dealing with someone who will sneak, I guess it just goes with the territory. Wife coming and going might require another person to do the checking, as I would not want to be hanging around the area all the time. But yes, I CAN check out his story, and see if he IS who he claims to be.

[dare2go4it]

Thanks to you helpful people on here, I am working out in my mind, what I can and cannot accept in this R, and what I need from the MM, not just what he needs from me. Will post more as I get it worked out in my mind.

[BB07]

dare2go4it said, Here is a little more info for you and others reading my posts. ---snip----

 

HOWEVER, now that I have gotten to know him, and we have so many interests in common and get along so well, I must admit that he is the man of my dreams, OTHER than the fact that he is a MM. Given the chance, I would be very happy to share a "normal" relationship with him, not just the hidden, limited, "time on the side as we can get it" MM / OW thing.

 

But........unless he comes to some kind of agreement with his wife (assuming he is telling the truth and yes I hope you confirm it by what ever means necessary) you will be on the side. You willing to accept that?

 

Regarding depression, it's something that I have been dealing with for many years, and coincidentally so has this MM. We are both used to dealing with it, and getting appropriate treatment, medication, etc., and are both aware of the risks that being in this type of relationship could pose to adding to our depression. So far, it is not dragging me down.

 

I'm concerned because you say so far it's not dragging down because the potential to drag you down very low is a real risk in the future. I hope you've read some of the posts here because in many there are cut to the bone pain, even suicidal stories here. Some of them are very ugly pictures of what can and does happen.

 

 

Regarding believing the MM's story or not, I tend to believe it, because I have worked in a medical setting before, and have unfortunately also been in a caregiver position for my elderly relatives, and for my partner who passed away, and a lot of what he says COULD easily be true. My reasons for doubting it are based on the idea that if someone is willing to cheat on his wife to get what he needs / wants, that tells me that he might also distort the facts to get what he wants. Not nice to think about, but still very possible. He does a lot of good things to help others, but nobody is a saint 24/7, and I have heard enough bull from some guys to know that they can spin some pretty wild stories when they want to. My heart says believe, my mind says question. So I am going to question, with the hope of ultimately finding out that I can believe him. Basically, I want some way of confirming the facts, or giving myself the heads up to get out, if he turns out to be lying. IF there is any possibility of our situation evolving into something more down the road, it would be good to know that. and if not, then best to find out NOW, rather than later. If it can NEVER happen, then I don't want to waste my life waiting. If it CAN happen, then I want to do what I can to make it work out well for ALL.

 

I think you've made up your mind, you are going to go for it but I sincerely hope that you will verify what he has told you and verify it by outside sources. The sooner you do it the better.

 

Distance is not much of a problem, as MM and I live within 25 miles of each other, which out here in the country is fairly close. And yes, we met online, but we now see each other in person several times per week, for at least a couple of hours per visit. The tough part is that we BOTH would like to be able to go OUT together and DO the things we enjoy in common.

 

Of course you both would like to go out but the thing is you can't. Is that good enough for you? From what you've told us, I think you are rationalizing that you don't like it, but you'll accept it and that the risk is worth it.

 

To me, it would be a no brainer. If I were the partner whose physical and companionship needs were not met for the past 10 years (as MM says his needs have not been met for that long), then I would be explaining to my spouse that I would always remain her best friend, caregiver, coparent to the grown children, involved in family things, and whatever else she needs, but that I would also NEED to do things for my own sanity, like, in his case, having a companion (me). Yes, that would be VERY hard to discuss and do. But at least in my mind, HONESTY is always the best policy. Better to be HONEST with someone you have loved and shared a life with, and deal with it being complicated, than to have to live a lie around that person.

 

OK if it's really a no brainer for you, then why are you going to go along with it? If honesty is the best policy for you then you need to own that you are going to be part of the DISHONESTY and you are going to be part of his lies.

 

BUT, I can not live the MM's life for him, or make his choices for him. That's why I'm on here.....to figiure out what I CAN do.

 

You are right, you can't live his life or make his choices but you damn sure should make your own. You can either be a part of the lies and the dishonesty or you can not. It's simple.

[Bionic Me]

With all due respect, I stopped reading at the death of a partner. Have you ever gotten any therapy? Sounds like you may have deep issues and you find yourself in such situations.

[BB07]

Dare2go4it, I hope my prior post didn't come across as so harsh that you ignore what I said.

 

I see you as very vulnerable, more so since I read about your partner dying.

 

My concern is for you and I don't want you to get yourself into a situation where you will likely experience more hurt in your life.

There are good single guys out there, without all the baggage.

[Carrot2000]

Do I date others, so that my life doesn't revolve around this MM? He is OK with that, does not want me to be unfairly tied down. But I don't really want a deep relationship with another man right now, since my heart is with the MM. Do I explain this to potential other dates? Do I wait and hope that things will change? Do I push for MM to do or change anything on his end? Is there anything I can do to "help" him make changes, without being a jerk? Thought I could handle this going into it.....now I am so in love, and so confused......

 

Dare, this man has told you in multiple ways that he is not leaving his family and that the only way he'll be with you is if the affair is found out. You're so caught up in listening to the sweet nothings coming from his mouth that you're completely overlooking that intermingled among those loving words is a declaration that he's not willing to give up anything to be with you. I honestly don't think it matters whether or not he's lying about his wife's condition because he's telling you the truth about his intentions.

[dare2go4it]

Don't worry, I didn't take what you said as too harsh, and I DID take in what you were trying to get across. I'm on here with an open mind, and very impressed by how kind people are, in general, even when making a point that may be hard for the poster to "hear." The fact is that although many people have some "baggage" by the time they are in mid life and beyond, a MM has a ton of it, and this particular one is no exception. I have to either deal with that, or get out of the situation. I have decided to continue seeing MM, but also, keep an eye open for men with whom I share some interests who are SINGLE. MM tells me to take care of myself and understands that I might find a single guy, so it isn't like I have to sit home and wait for MM to "get away." Thanks for caring so much!

[2sure]

Since you mention you have been both OW, and BS, and recently dumped by a jerk...

 

And now are not only thinking that this MM is a good idea but believing his whole sacrificing martyr cliché scenario..

 

You are just going to have to embrace the idea that regardless of how you feel...your man picker is broken. Broken.

 

And there is no shame in that. Mine is too.

But you do have to recognize this.

 

As broken as mine is, I can objectively tell you, with conviction...that this is BAD idea . For YOU.

[dare2go4it]

Have been getting good, professional help for any issues, and am in good hands as far as that is concerned. Probably should not have posted so much background info, as it' s long and rambling and more than anyone needs to read. I realize that getting involved with the MM was a poor choice, and now I am just working my way through it. Being on here has been an excellent reality check.

[BB07]

Don't worry, I didn't take what you said as too harsh, and I DID take in what you were trying to get across. I'm on here with an open mind, and very impressed by how kind people are, in general, even when making a point that may be hard for the poster to "hear." The fact is that although many people have some "baggage" by the time they are in mid life and beyond, a MM has a ton of it, and this particular one is no exception. I have to either deal with that, or get out of the situation. I have decided to continue seeing MM, but also, keep an eye open for men with whom I share some interests who are SINGLE. MM tells me to take care of myself and understands that I might find a single guy, so it isn't like I have to sit home and wait for MM to "get away." Thanks for caring so much!

 

 

Oh hon, I'm afraid you are fooling yourself about keeping an eye open for SG's while seeing mm. Many women enter these relationships and think the risk is small and that they can handle it, but for me and a lot of others it was so not worth it. It's the rare woman who can remain on even ground as evidenced by what we read here at LS. In fact some women would give their right arm to meet a SG that can help them get over MM.

I'm afraid that you will find that your relationship with mm will become your main focus. A lot of OW will tell you that they become addicted to the MM, the drama, the highs and lows. I'm not telling you it's absolute but it's rare that a woman can separate herself enough to not let it affect her negatively.

[BB07]

Since you mention you have been both OW, and BS, and recently dumped by a jerk...

 

And now are not only thinking that this MM is a good idea but believing his whole sacrificing martyr cliché scenario..

 

You are just going to have to embrace the idea that regardless of how you feel...your man picker is broken. Broken.

 

And there is no shame in that. Mine is too.

But you do have to recognize this.

 

As broken as mine is, I can objectively tell you, with conviction...that this is BAD idea . For YOU.

 

I love this post and it so eloquently said what I wanted to.

 

Hey......I'm over here raising my hand wildly cause my man picker is broken also.

[dare2go4it]

2, you are right, I definitely DO have a broken man picker. And a tendency to try to help everyone who has problems. Not something of which I am ashamed, but not a great combination. We have plenty of company......and understanding the fact that the picker is broken is important. And then there are the men with broken woman pickers...... Thanks for the comment.

[BB07]

Have been getting good, professional help for any issues, and am in good hands as far as that is concerned. Probably should not have posted so much background info, as it' s long and rambling and more than anyone needs to read. I realize that getting involved with the MM was a poor choice, and now I am just working my way through it. Being on here has been an excellent reality check.

 

Hon you are talking the talk, see bolded above, but you aren't ready to do the walk of what you already know. There isn't any way to work through it other than take more risks. The only way to assure yourself of no harm is walk OUT of it, now.

[2sure]

My man picker is sooo broken I'm actually thinking of dating men I DON"T like!

[BB07]

My man picker is sooo broken I'm actually thinking of dating men I DON"T like!

 

LOL........I'm just not dating and it scares me because I don't care that I'm not. That's a 1st for me.

[Silly_Girl]

My man picker is sooo broken I'm actually thinking of dating men I DON"T like!

 

Ha ha!! Not REALLY funny but y'know... Kind of a play on that 'only date guys your mum would hate...'