"I love you" text- crumb or testing the waters?

[Country_Girl]

So, It's been a little over 2 months since the breakup, the Ex and I have been in LC. Which is funny, because I'm pretty sure we agreed two times already we shouldn't talk anymore because it was hard on our hearts. Guess we are both guilty of breaking it lately. We have had several "closure" conversations, of which I initiated two of them. I think he initiated 2 also, maybe 3. The last one was a really good one though, not that the others weren't, but there seemed to be a lot of bitterness gone from both our hearts, I don't know, you could just tell something had lifted.

 

Well, the following day he started texting me, asking how my interview was. Then telling me what he missed most about the relationship. And well sex was also brought up (we are 1,000 miles apart right now) and oops my bad we ended up having phone sex. So, the next day (which was 3 days ago) I just kind of put him out of my mind, I wasn't going to let that intimate conversation hold me back from healing.

 

Well he began texting me tonight, asking me random/casual questions, telling me of stuff he has of mine that he knows is important to me & that he's going to send them. Saying he was sorry about all this (when we broke up I had to leave all my things behind-- another country). I was working night shift & he literally stayed up all night texting me, so, a good 8 hr shift right there. One of his last few texts were "I love you, I'm falling asleep" so I wished him goodnight, then a half hr later I get an "I miss you, you're a wonderful woman, I want the best in life for you". Pretty sure he finally fell asleep after that one.

 

Now, I know some might say he is just relieving his guilt, but I have already let him do that. Multiple times, and we have since steered out of that area.

 

Would you call these texts crumbs, or a testing the water?

 

It's so odd, the last 2 days I told myself that this is not going to work, and I feel like I finally let go. So, last night I went out and selfishly bought $100 worth of makeup and hair stuff to spoil myself with. I finally decided I'm going to start taking care of "me" again, since I put myself on the back burner during this whole breakup. And sure as ****, soon as I do that, he is back in contact again with these texts. They really do come back when you are moving on, geeze it makes you wonder if they can feel it. It was literally 1 hour after I bought those things for myself & decided it was me time, that he started texting.

 

I feel good, and it did not set me back. I don't know what the future holds, but I am so glad I am not trying to "control" it anymore. I never thought I would reach this point.

 

So folks, think he's just missing me, or what?

Edited March 6, 2011 by Country_Girl

[proactivedreamer]

hmmmm...yeah this is an interesting one. I don't think I have much experience in this area, so not sure what sort of helpful advice I could offer. He could be laying out the crumbs or he could be sacred to just come out with it. You and I have had little exchanges about this sort of thing because we both had similar relationships, funny I just spoke to my ex for 5 hours yesterday, and I concluded that he isn't coming back. He said similar things that your ex is saying, and we had phone sex too! lol. But I know we just still have feelings, but I know in his heart he doesn't want to continue just based on what he was saying, things like " I hope you have a good life" " you will meet someone again", **** like that. I don't know you or your ex so I couldn't really try to decipher all that is being said in order to find a possible underlying meaning, but I would keep doing what you are doing. Be non-chalant, play it by ear, just don't jump ship yet. Keep us updated.

[loveforever]

But I know we just still have feelings, but I know in his heart he doesn't want to continue just based on what he was saying, things like " I hope you have a good life" " you will meet someone again", **** like that.

 

to proactivedreamer.....Yeah, it may sound like he's moving on by saying the above, but I said the same exact stuff to my ex-husband and in no way meant it....

 

I was testing to see what he'd say, if he'd say "Thanks" or if he'd say stuff like "I'm not looking for anyone else....blahblah"....

 

He might very well be testing you by saying that....

 

to Country_Girl....what would the chances be of you guys getting back together because of the long distance ???

 

I might be totally wrong and want to see a happy ending but since you guys had a lot of closure talk already it could be that all this talk made him realize that he does still love you and miss you and that's why he voiced it....

 

About the moving on part....

 

Last Saturday I went out to run some errands and to go (window) shopping without the kids and was gone for 6 hours straight.....

 

When I came back I looked good (make-up, jewelry, clothes....which I hardly ever did anymore in the last 6-7 years of our almost 11 year marriage ) and ex-husband noticed....he was all flirty and drawn to me.....

 

I realized that every time I went out and did stuff for myself (gym, movies etc.) he acted attracted to me.....

 

Unfortunately because of my mother's death I let it slide again the last couple of weeks and sure enough ex-husband is pulling away.....

 

I will definitely pick up where I left off, because they really seem to "smell" it when you move on.....

[gator12]

Give it time, way too early to tell. He may or may not be testing the waters so stay indifferent to him. Try and get a feel for what he is dong before you rush into any reaction to it. You can't deal with it the right way until you know what it is. You know?

 

-Gator

[Country_Girl]

hmmmm...yeah this is an interesting one. I don't think I have much experience in this area, so not sure what sort of helpful advice I could offer. He could be laying out the crumbs or he could be sacred to just come out with it. You and I have had little exchanges about this sort of thing because we both had similar relationships, funny I just spoke to my ex for 5 hours yesterday, and I concluded that he isn't coming back. He said similar things that your ex is saying, and we had phone sex too! lol. But I know we just still have feelings, but I know in his heart he doesn't want to continue just based on what he was saying, things like " I hope you have a good life" " you will meet someone again", **** like that. I don't know you or your ex so I couldn't really try to decipher all that is being said in order to find a possible underlying meaning, but I would keep doing what you are doing. Be non-chalant, play it by ear, just don't jump ship yet. Keep us updated.

 

Yeah, I agree, I think there are a lot of feelings there, so maybe we are experiencing the lingering love and nothing else. Well in this text it wasn't about meeting anyone, just that he wanted me to have the best in life and I was a wonderful interesting woman. But, he has done the same as your ex on the phone and said things your ex said in the past like "I hope you find somebody deserving of your love, I pray for that" blah blah blah. But truth is, I don't think he wants me to find someone new, despite what he says. Otherwise he wouldn't be throwing out a line here and there with an "I love you" to try and keep me hooked. I'm going to keep playing nonchalant, only texting when he texts me, it defiantly is drawing him out of the wood work.

 

Proactive, what made you come to the conclusion he won't be coming back, was there something specific he said?

[Country_Girl]

 

to Country_Girl....what would the chances be of you guys getting back together because of the long distance ???

 

I might be totally wrong and want to see a happy ending but since you guys had a lot of closure talk already it could be that all this talk made him realize that he does still love you and miss you and that's why he voiced it....

 

About the moving on part....

 

Last Saturday I went out to run some errands and to go (window) shopping without the kids and was gone for 6 hours straight.....

 

When I came back I looked good (make-up, jewelry, clothes....which I hardly ever did anymore in the last 6-7 years of our almost 11 year marriage ) and ex-husband noticed....he was all flirty and drawn to me.....

 

I realized that every time I went out and did stuff for myself (gym, movies etc.) he acted attracted to me.....

 

Unfortunately because of my mother's death I let it slide again the last couple of weeks and sure enough ex-husband is pulling away.....

 

I will definitely pick up where I left off, because they really seem to "smell" it when you move on.....

 

Well the chances of getting back together because of the long distance are pretty slim, which is what has been fueling my acceptance lately that this will not work. I would not mind and LDR, we were in one for 1.5 years before the year we lived together. But he does know that I will not move back to his country, I lost too much when I did that and will not put myself in that position again- of having to "start over" in case things didn't work out. He has expressed interest in moving here in a couple years when his school is done.

 

Well the thing is Loveforever, I don't think he just wanted to express it again, he said maybe a week ago on the phone he loved me and missed me also. So, I think, that was his time to get it out. So, that's kinda why I am wondering why he is still saying it. Last week was the first time he actually said I love you (not dancing around it "I love you but I'm falling out of love with you") since the breakup. I'm not sure, perhaps he's just lonely, he also expressed in a text last night that he feels he has no direction in life and he feels out of place with his friends.

 

I agree, I really think they sense it when we are moving on, perhaps there was a stronger bond connecting us then we realize.

[proactivedreamer]

Proactive, what made you come to the conclusion he won't be coming back, was there something specific he said?

 

Well, it just feels final. He kind of just continued to speak about the future without him in it. He brought up how his other ex was doing so well, because they we no longer together, to make me see that this break up wouldn't be so bad. He is clearly moving on, despite some lingering feelings he may have for me. He is going to Thailand this month. It just doesn't feel like there is going to be a second chance...it's just something I feel or rather trying to convince myself of. He kept saying that I am not alone in this and that everyone goes through this and blah blah. He seems really cool with it...almost unaffected. I told him he makes it seem like it's so easy and he got upset saying that this wasn't an easy decision for him and he really struggled with it. I am moving on now...I love him but there is so much misunderstanding and my strengths have gone unnoticed in the majority of our time together. I received a great deal of criticism when I was in Switzerland for not being more this or more that. It was like everything I tried to accomplish(i.e.got hired as an Aupair so I could have my own independence, income, French classes, and living situation, but couldn't obtain a work visa because of Switzerland's visa regulations) or considered doing was never acknowledged-he was so convinced that I was living for him, despite conversations we had before I went to Switzerland where I mentioned maybe doing organic farming for three months on my own, and he said "oh you are already thinking of not being together". There other instances in which he acted like I wasn't giving enough attention.At times, he made me feel like I wasn't doing enough for the relationship and then at other times I was too involved. When I was with him in Switzerland, he tested me, for instance, how I was socially-for him I wasn't social enough despite meeting with people on my own, but it wasn't enough.He would complain about me not going out enough without him, despite the fact that I was only going to be there 3 months and he worked during the day.There is so much involved it just drives me crazy thinking about how it turned into unnecessary mess.

 

Overall, I think I am becoming more okay with the fact that maybe he isn't the guy for me. I just think the right guy would have had an entirely different perspective of what should be expected, and how he should participate in the process of integrating someone into their life and their country. I just feel okay with it now...strange but I am tired of crying. I want to have hope, and under different circumstances I would, but I think that if he really wanted me then it would look and feel different by now. He just isn't the man I thought he was...I would say more but don't want to hijack this thread. I am just pissed when I think about everything that transpired.

[Country_Girl]

Well, it just feels final. He kind of just continued to speak about the future without him in it. He brought up how his other ex was doing so well, because they we no longer together, to make me see that this break up wouldn't be so bad. He is clearly moving on, despite some lingering feelings he may have for me. He is going to Thailand this month. It just doesn't feel like there is going to be a second chance...it's just something I feel or rather trying to convince myself of. He kept saying that I am not alone in this and that everyone goes through this and blah blah. He seems really cool with it...almost unaffected. I told him he makes it seem like it's so easy and he got upset saying that this wasn't an easy decision for him and he really struggled with it. I am moving on now...I love him but there is so much misunderstanding and my strengths have gone unnoticed in the majority of our time together. I received a great deal of criticism when I was in Switzerland for not being more this or more that. It was like everything I tried to accomplish(i.e.got hired as an Aupair so I could have my own independence, income, French classes, and living situation, but couldn't obtain a work visa because of Switzerland's visa regulations) or considered doing was never acknowledged-he was so convinced that I was living for him, despite conversations we had before I went to Switzerland where I mentioned maybe doing organic farming for three months on my own, and he said "oh you are already thinking of not being together". There other instances in which he acted like I wasn't giving enough attention.At times, he made me feel like I wasn't doing enough for the relationship and then at other times I was too involved. When I was with him in Switzerland, he tested me, for instance, how I was socially-for him I wasn't social enough despite meeting with people on my own, but it wasn't enough.He would complain about me not going out enough without him, despite the fact that I was only going to be there 3 months and he worked during the day.There is so much involved it just drives me crazy thinking about how it turned into unnecessary mess.

 

Overall, I think I am becoming more okay with the fact that maybe he isn't the guy for me. I just think the right guy would have had an entirely different perspective of what should be expected, and how he should participate in the process of integrating someone into their life and their country. I just feel okay with it now...strange but I am tired of crying. I want to have hope, and under different circumstances I would, but I think that if he really wanted me then it would look and feel different by now. He just isn't the man I thought he was...I would say more but don't want to hijack this thread. I am just pissed when I think about everything that transpired.

 

 

 

 

Don't worry about hijacking the thread, I don't think I'll find the answers I am looking for anyway- only he can answer these things, and to be honest, I don't think he currently has the answers to his behaviors/actions either. That's why I can't ask him.

 

If I remember you are 1 month post breakup? Correct me if wrong. I think his attitude is normal at this point, he sees it as a good thing and hasn't really had time to let it sink in. All he sees are the positive aspects of the breakup, but he hasn't had to feel the hurt yet. He may see this as doing you a favor, he may feel that way right now, but we all know feelings can and do change.

 

My Ex also did the same kinds of things, in regards of trying to change me. All of a sudden, I wasn't religious enough. I would be the one trying to wake him up for church and he would sleep in. All of a sudden, I didn't like his friends enough (he had 2 groups of friends, the one group I really got along with & had fun with, the other group I just didn't have anything in common with). Friends are like relationships, you have to have "chemistry" with them, if I don't feel a connection then of course I don't want to be calling/texting his friends- sure we can all hang out but I am not going to be their best friends. I also feel he was un supporting in terms of moving countries/changing lifestyle/location to be with someone. How would he feel in my shoes.

 

To be honest, I wouldn't take the "changing you" to heart. He knew who you were when he got involved with you. I think it's something a dumper creates because they are looking for reasons to breakup with you. They need to build excuses on why "this" isn't working, so they create reasons. They make it seem like you aren't measuring up, but truth is, you measured up all along- but something wasn't right in the relationship so they blamed it on other things.

 

I think it was RomoGuy that had a thread somewhere on here about dumper vs. dumpee feelings and I think it's really accurate. As a dumpee we deal with all the stages of grief. But for dumpers, it almost seems like the stages of grief are reversed. They accept it early on, maybe even before they do the breaking up, but then comes the loneliness, sadness, and denial.

[proactivedreamer]

If I remember you are 1 month post breakup?

 

Yes, its been roughly one month post break up. I think he did suffer in the beginning, after all, he was crying when he said his last goodbyes on D day. I don't know if those were tears of guilt, loss, or both. You are right, he knew everything about me before we even decided to try this relationship out. Honestly, country girl, I think the reasons for this break up are more twisted and convoluted than what meets the eye. I think a great deal of this has to do with him wanting to go to Thailand more than coming to see me, and many more things. He was complaining about money a few days before the break up and he was hesitant to buy his plane ticket,siting that I still didn't have job and a place for him to stay-I live with my grandma because I left everything to go to Switzerland. It's a complicated mess and it just enrages me when I think about it all, and I have to stand still and look pretty throughout it all. I can't believe he is going to Thailand, he even subleted his apartment, and that money will pay for his ticket. It's a total slap in the face. He painted me so black it's not even funny...I hate to feel anger because I loved and trusted him, but I don't think I can ever really feel the same again for him. He twisted so many actions and words I said...exaggerated things that happened or didn't happen. I am good, I am gone. But as for you, Country Girl, just keep your eyes open, don't let this guy string you along or delude you. You are too good for that, and look what you lost as a result of trusting in the relationship? Have to start all over...I, personally, hate wavering between all these emotions...I just want to hate him. Even after talking to him on Saturday, I still don't feel any resolve...can't believe I loved someone who could so easily discard me. He said that I didn't understand now but when I look back on this in a few years it will all make sense. He can go f himself with that bull****. I am done ranting...lol!

[Country_Girl]

Yes, its been roughly one month post break up. I think he did suffer in the beginning, after all, he was crying when he said his last goodbyes on D day. I don't know if those were tears of guilt, loss, or both. You are right, he knew everything about me before we even decided to try this relationship out. Honestly, country girl, I think the reasons for this break up are more twisted and convoluted than what meets the eye. I think a great deal of this has to do with him wanting to go to Thailand more than coming to see me, and many more things. He was complaining about money a few days before the break up and he was hesitant to buy his plane ticket,siting that I still didn't have job and a place for him to stay-I live with my grandma because I left everything to go to Switzerland. It's a complicated mess and it just enrages me when I think about it all, and I have to stand still and look pretty throughout it all. I can't believe he is going to Thailand, he even subleted his apartment, and that money will pay for his ticket. It's a total slap in the face. He painted me so black it's not even funny...I hate to feel anger because I loved and trusted him, but I don't think I can ever really feel the same again for him. He twisted so many actions and words I said...exaggerated things that happened or didn't happen. I am good, I am gone. But as for you, Country Girl, just keep your eyes open, don't let this guy string you along or delude you. You are too good for that, and look what you lost as a result of trusting in the relationship? Have to start all over...I, personally, hate wavering between all these emotions...I just want to hate him. Even after talking to him on Saturday, I still don't feel any resolve...can't believe I loved someone who could so easily discard me. He said that I didn't understand now but when I look back on this in a few years it will all make sense. He can go f himself with that bull****. I am done ranting...lol!

 

Yeah on D Day my ex cried then kissed me at the airport, but looking back on it, I do believe it was guilt. We didn't talk on the phone till a month post breakup and at that time he admitted that he was just keeping busy, avoiding the breakup. So, I really think he's feeling it now. Your dumper might seem okay with it, but if there was any feeling at all, there is no way he has moved on to acceptance already.

 

It's very possible your ex wanted to be single for his trip to Thailand, and maybe he is keeping it on good terms with you- in hopes that he can come back to you when he returns. Yeah my ex bitched about money also, said we didn't have money to get married (we already had a ceremony all we needed was money for the license/paperwork) but then he went out and blew over $600 on a PS3 and an iphone. That was a big slap in my face. And the big kicker for me was the day before I flew out to go back home, he said it would be a long time before he could send my things as he didn't have money to ship them, then that night he went out and spent over $150 on a heart rate monitor for working out. The only reason why my stuff is finally getting shipped now is because I emailed his mom and asked her to get me a price quote, said I would pay for it myself. She ended up paying for it & he has to pay her back now.

 

Sounds like you are in a mix of the anger/acceptance stage. And yeah, I didn't like to feel hate either. It made it easier, but I feel it did turn my heart cold to some degree. All of a sudden, life wasn't roses, people had ulterior motives, I could only trust myself because at the end of the day you can only count on yourself. I think the anger/hate is gone now, as of maybe a week to 1.5 weeks- it definitely did creep up in all the stages of grieving.

 

So yeah, he did it again last night. I'm making my bed to lay down, and I get a text at 1:30am from him "I love you (my name), I'm going to bed now". So odd, not a peep all day, then that. If he was texting this a month ago, I would have been all excited. But right now, it doesn't effect me. I could take it or leave it. But it does spike my curiosity, as to why he is doing this. I feel he purposely with-held "I love you's" for 2 months post breakup, all I wanted was to hear those words. Now they are flowing like water, and I wonder what triggered it.

[proactivedreamer]

Yeah on D Day my ex cried then kissed me at the airport, but looking back on it, I do believe it was guilt. We didn't talk on the phone till a month post breakup and at that time he admitted that he was just keeping busy, avoiding the breakup. So, I really think he's feeling it now. Your dumper might seem okay with it, but if there was any feeling at all, there is no way he has moved on to acceptance already.

 

It's very possible your ex wanted to be single for his trip to Thailand, and maybe he is keeping it on good terms with you- in hopes that he can come back to you when he returns. Yeah my ex bitched about money also, said we didn't have money to get married (we already had a ceremony all we needed was money for the license/paperwork) but then he went out and blew over $600 on a PS3 and an iphone. That was a big slap in my face. And the big kicker for me was the day before I flew out to go back home, he said it would be a long time before he could send my things as he didn't have money to ship them, then that night he went out and spent over $150 on a heart rate monitor for working out. The only reason why my stuff is finally getting shipped now is because I emailed his mom and asked her to get me a price quote, said I would pay for it myself. She ended up paying for it & he has to pay her back now.

 

Sounds like you are in a mix of the anger/acceptance stage. And yeah, I didn't like to feel hate either. It made it easier, but I feel it did turn my heart cold to some degree. All of a sudden, life wasn't roses, people had ulterior motives, I could only trust myself because at the end of the day you can only count on yourself. I think the anger/hate is gone now, as of maybe a week to 1.5 weeks- it definitely did creep up in all the stages of grieving.

 

So yeah, he did it again last night. I'm making my bed to lay down, and I get a text at 1:30am from him "I love you (my name), I'm going to bed now". So odd, not a peep all day, then that. If he was texting this a month ago, I would have been all excited. But right now, it doesn't effect me. I could take it or leave it. But it does spike my curiosity, as to why he is doing this. I feel he purposely with-held "I love you's" for 2 months post breakup, all I wanted was to hear those words. Now they are flowing like water, and I wonder what triggered it.

 

Honestly, country girl, I don't know what to think or believe anymore. It's just another conundrum, another game, another something that I just don't fully understand. I don't know what the motives are and frankly, I don't care. I think my ex honestly cares but not enough to make it work with me. It's another one bites the dust situation, and I have to be vigilant about not becoming disheartened by this but so many of my dreams were wrapped in the beautiful possibilities of this relationship. You know it just sucks that your ex is throwing those "I love yous" around like that! I mean does it mean anything? Does he really love you? I mean you literally uprooted your life for the promise of love, and he just decides eh I can't anymore? I don't know maybe I am just angry or just full of confusion about what I am suppose to fight for in this life. Maybe it's just another existential question that I won't be able to answer. I think you are doing well for yourself, country girl, I am sure this has been really painful for you, it always is, but hopefully soon there will be some clarity and he will reveal is true intentions. I really hate the games people play and this might very well be just another fing game. I think I will sit this one out;I have never been good at games anyway.

[willowthewisp]

Baggage reclaim website has a lot of useful information. Sadly people will use other people for ego strokes, sex, money whatever if they can. Boundaries. Set them and follow through. If someone really beleives they have made the wrong choice to break up they will come out and say so, ALWAYS.

[Country_Girl]

Honestly, country girl, I don't know what to think or believe anymore. It's just another conundrum, another game, another something that I just don't fully understand. I don't know what the motives are and frankly, I don't care. I think my ex honestly cares but not enough to make it work with me. It's another one bites the dust situation, and I have to be vigilant about not becoming disheartened by this but so many of my dreams were wrapped in the beautiful possibilities of this relationship. You know it just sucks that your ex is throwing those "I love yous" around like that! I mean does it mean anything? Does he really love you? I mean you literally uprooted your life for the promise of love, and he just decides eh I can't anymore? I don't know maybe I am just angry or just full of confusion about what I am suppose to fight for in this life. Maybe it's just another existential question that I won't be able to answer. I think you are doing well for yourself, country girl, I am sure this has been really painful for you, it always is, but hopefully soon there will be some clarity and he will reveal is true intentions. I really hate the games people play and this might very well be just another fing game. I think I will sit this one out;I have never been good at games anyway.

 

I agree, I suck at games too, if this was a card game then I folded weeks ago. I think we both fought hard for our relationships, and we're reaching a point of just not caring anymore. I feel my dreams came crashing down also with the unfulfilled promises of building a life together. I'm not going to fight for it anymore either, I feel, it's the dumper's job to do that if they have any regrets, because I carried us as long as I could. But my white flag is up, I give up.

[Country_Girl]

Baggage reclaim website has a lot of useful information. Sadly people will use other people for ego strokes, sex, money whatever if they can. Boundaries. Set them and follow through. If someone really beleives they have made the wrong choice to break up they will come out and say so, ALWAYS.

 

The baggage comment made me lol I don't think he's using me for an ego stroke, I know he's been depressed the last few months, and I just don't see it. I think he might be leaning towards "this is a mistake". I won't put any stock into that unless I hear those words though.

[CassaundraSwindlera]

@OP: hey, thanks. Nice topic, i have been searching these info for ages.

[proactivedreamer]

my mind is officially blown...I just had a Skype call with my ex(yes I know I shouldn't have) but he told me things that I never knew he felt. He said that sometimes when his door bell rings or someone knocks on his door, he hopes it's me coming to show him that I can do things on my own, and make a life for myself in Switzerland. He said that he sometimes wish I would just show up at his door.He says that's all he wanted, he just wanted me to prove my ability to do it alone. Then I talked to him about meeting me in New York for the U.S Open, for one last kiss and sex with no strings attached-I don't know I just want to see him one last time( I know sounds stupid and wouldn't it just makes us feel bad?), but he said he didn't think it would be a good idea. I said why not? I said by then we won't feel anything for each other, and I said and you have had no strings attached sex with your other exes. He said but this is different. I said how is it different. He said well I wanted a future more with you than any of them. I didn't know how to respond to this news. I feel so stupid. This guy is literally the perfect catch. I never felt like that with anyone and now it's over...I can't believe he is going to be the one that got away...somebody tell me what to do or what to think!!!

[Country_Girl]

my mind is officially blown...I just had a Skype call with my ex(yes I know I shouldn't have) but he told me things that I never knew he felt. He said that sometimes when his door bell rings or someone knocks on his door, he hopes it's me coming to show him that I can do things on my own, and make a life for myself in Switzerland. He said that he sometimes wish I would just show up at his door.He says that's all he wanted, he just wanted me to prove my ability to do it alone. Then I talked to him about meeting me in New York for the U.S Open, for one last kiss and sex with no strings attached-I don't know I just want to see him one last time( I know sounds stupid and wouldn't it just makes us feel bad?), but he said he didn't think it would be a good idea. I said why not? I said by then we won't feel anything for each other, and I said and you have had no strings attached sex with your other exes. He said but this is different. I said how is it different. He said well I wanted a future more with you than any of them. I didn't know how to respond to this news. I feel so stupid. This guy is literally the perfect catch. I never felt like that with anyone and now it's over...I can't believe he is going to be the one that got away...somebody tell me what to do or what to think!!!

 

That's a good sign Proactive, he's obviously thinking of you. My ex told me he can't even go to the grocery store without thinking about me. I kind of want one last fling with him also, maybe it's because the last time we had sex, I didn't know it would be the last time.

 

Keep your cool and step back, let him initiate all forms of communication. You want to keep that "missing you" feeling going. It sounds like you are in a category of all your own, that's a great place to be!

[proactivedreamer]

I have been thinking so much since my ex and I had that conversation. I mean I don't know what it means. I want it to mean that if I did the work that there is a possibility for reconciliation, but I am scared at the same time. I mean is this my last chance to get myself together, so that I could build the life I want with him? I want to "prove" myself, prove that I am reliable, responsible, and independent but how with all of this distance between us? I think I am thinking too much. I just don't want to lose him, despite kind of accepting the break up. I just I am so in love with this guy, and feel like I could have a nice life with him. Country girl, why do they do this to us? Seems like your guy is leaning toward feeling like he made a mistake. I guess it's hard to deny the connection you guys have. I think those kinds of connections are rare...I am not sure how to feel right now. I think I am feeling hopeful again...this could be a good sign. Thanks for the advice!!!

[Country_Girl]

I have been thinking so much since my ex and I had that conversation. I mean I don't know what it means. I want it to mean that if I did the work that there is a possibility for reconciliation, but I am scared at the same time. I mean is this my last chance to get myself together, so that I could build the life I want with him? I want to "prove" myself, prove that I am reliable, responsible, and independent but how with all of this distance between us? I think I am thinking too much. I just don't want to lose him, despite kind of accepting the break up. I just I am so in love with this guy, and feel like I could have a nice life with him. Country girl, why do they do this to us? Seems like your guy is leaning toward feeling like he made a mistake. I guess it's hard to deny the connection you guys have. I think those kinds of connections are rare...I am not sure how to feel right now. I think I am feeling hopeful again...this could be a good sign. Thanks for the advice!!!

 

It's okay to have hope, that's what fuels our inner fire, we just have to be careful not to get burned. That's why I keep my hope (I would like to think that we met by no accident, there is a grander plan at work) - but I don't put all my eggs in one basket anymore. I keep the hope alive, but I don't live by it- us being together isn't the "end all be all".

 

You can make strides given the distance. I say, focus on you, anything you ever wanted to accomplish, maybe things you have put on the back burner- start making the steps. Not for him, but for you. Use this time to be selfish, make yourself top priority. Take care of you, and if he notices and comes back, it's just a bonus. But don't let him be the goal of it.

 

I hope I make sense, I've had about 5 beers tonight after an interesting text conversation with the ex. He asked if anything was on my mind...of course I said no, even though I wanted to say "what do these I love you texts mean". I asked "Something on your mind since you asked?" He said no, he was just looking to talk before bed to help him fall asleep. He knew I applied/interviewed for a job I wanted. He asked again to see if I heard back, I said no but my references are telling me they called today. That's when the conversation took a turn.

 

He said he was all emotional, he couldn't talk so he wished me goodnight. Now this got me curious, since he's the one that initiated the conversation. I asked what was wrong, why can't he talk to me. He said that he knows I am going to get this job, and he wants the best for me, but guys are going to start noticing me. That we are going to drift apart, and he wants but he doesn't want a million things right now. He feels we just won't be as close. He is sad but happy for me at the same time. Said he's a little sad he was selfish with me and disappointed with how everything went, but he just doesn't know anything right now. He doesn't know what he wants, or doesn't want, but all he knows is guys are going to notice me. He wants the best for me, but he doesn't know if he could bear the thought of me falling in love with someone else. That a lot can change for both of us in a couple months to years. But please, don't wait up for him, he doesn't know, anything can happen. Says he believes he just misses me so much, I was a big part of his life & he's scared of the unknown. Thinking of it makes him want to cry. He just doesn't know what the future holds for us and he's dying inside because of it. Since he doesn't know, that's why he can't stop talking to me. That his insides are ripping him in 2, and his heart is taking the brunt of it all.

 

He fell asleep after all those texts, it was one after another, I barely got a few words in- seems like he was really feeling pain/loss/uncertainty.

 

He is definitely questioning it all, that's a good sign.

[Country_Girl]

Well, in the morning I texted him to see if he was okay, he said sorry for falling asleep, he was ok but just confused. I told him he should really go on a walk or something and sort out his emotions. Funny, how I have become the calm, cool, and collected one. My, have the tables turned. Because to be honest, it really shouldn't take someone this long to figure out what they want, and I'm not about to do an convincing for him. That's right, I am finally in acceptance. And I could care less the outcome of all this. Sure, it's nice talking to him, I miss that friendship- but I don't feel like I miss the relationship anymore.

 

Later on that day I texted him to let him know I got that job. He said he was happy for me, but still thought I will meet someone at work, that he loves me, and threw in some compliments. I told him I'm not looking to meet anyone, that it's my turn to be selfish for once, and my time is going to be spent working on my happiness and well being. Then he said he was going to go work out. Wow, this job is really stressing him out (my ex can be pretty lazy- so for him to work out 2 days in a row says something is on his mind). Few hours later he texted asking when I start the new job, I told him and asked him a trivia question. He answered and asked why. I told him I was playing trivia with my brother's gf, and he asked "does she know u are talking to me". I said yeah. He wanted to know if she hated him, seemed worried about it. Hmmm so now he's worried that people that are practically family hate him- ha, that tells me he's worried about it for future reference in case we reconcile! I know this because this was a worry of mine when I wanted to reconcile with an ex in the past.

 

He asked me to send him a picture of me, and he would send one also. I though, eh, whatever- I'm looking good these days after my post breakup weight loss and new hair color, why not. Mind you I have not seen him since before x-mas, and I deleted all his photos that day because it seemed very final. Looking at his pic, didn't do anything for me, other than maybe solidify that the romantic feelings are fading. Maybe it was just a bad pic lol. But a big part of my attraction to him was his personality, and much of that was lost in the breakup. He said I looked good and I commented on his goofy facial expression, he then said he was tired and needed sleep.

 

So 9am rolls around today and my blackberry is pushing through a photo attachment. Then I get a text from him saying to check my email. He sent a pic while he was at work, all dolled up in suit & tie. Ha, he rarely ever dressed up for that job before. I didn't feel too much seeing the pic, I made fun of him for not smiling. He asked if I wanted him to send one of him smiling. I said, nah that's okay. Then he texted "you don't want me to" frown faces. So I said, sure send one as long as it's not a fake smile. So he did, and I felt some attraction again. I said "awww that's what I want to see" and sent him one of me. He said "thanks baby, you look pretty".

 

So today we've exchanged a few joke texts aside from the photos. I have no idea where this is going, but I'm not invested in it. I'm okay with not being in control of the situation, I actually welcome the possibilities. Life is getting good and I am so excited about this upcoming job- I know I am going to make it, with or without him.

[Country_Girl]

Out of nowhere, just got another "I love you" text, followed by "I miss snuggling".

 

I wish I knew what was going on in his head...is he just lonely, or what? I'm not even going to bother with asking, because I'm just going to live my life. I did reply to the texts and said I loved him too. Because frankly, I don't wish him the same hurt he caused me with unrequited love. It really hurts a person when they pour their heart and soul out, filled with I love you's, only to not hear them back. I waited so long to hear these words, and they aren't even for me anymore. I just want him to know he is loved, and I don't want to place him in the pain of not hearing those words back.

 

I used to be so co-dependent on his love, now I love me more. I love me more to bother and ask what his mixed messages mean, because I don't care. I don't NEED to have the answers anymore, or his answers. I thought it would take me 6 months to reach this place, I am so happy it happened sooner.

[proactivedreamer]

E

Out of nowhere, just got another "I love you" text, followed by "I miss snuggling".

 

I wish I knew what was going on in his head...is he just lonely, or what? I'm not even going to bother with asking, because I'm just going to live my life. I did reply to the texts and said I loved him too. Because frankly, I don't wish him the same hurt he caused me with unrequited love. It really hurts a person when they pour their heart and soul out, filled with I love you's, only to not hear them back. I waited so long to hear these words, and they aren't even for me anymore. I just want him to know he is loved, and I don't want to place him in the pain of not hearing those words back.

 

I used to be so co-dependent on his love, now I love me more. I love me more to bother and ask what his mixed messages mean, because I don't care. I don't NEED to have the answers anymore, or his answers. I thought it would take me 6 months to reach this place, I am so happy it happened sooner.

.

 

I think its a difficult situation to be in. I am sure part of you just wants him, but the other part it still hurting,thus trying to keep from getting hurt. You have to protect yourself cause you don't want to have to start the process all over again, but it could be worth the risk if he was being clearer with you. Maybe this is his way of saying he made a mistake or maybe he just likes the attention. Its good to hear that you are in a better place now to thinkobjectively about the situation. I wish relationships weren't so complictated, but here we are trying to deal with complexities of one another. Truth be told, I am feeling anxious about the possibility of reconcialiation with my ex. I have so much longing inside. I have hope for that posssibility but I'm scared to lose him to time and distance. I really want to see him again. He might find someone...I too in love and don't want to let go. Can people have feelings for each other 6 months after a break up?