LSChic Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Last May I found out that my bf of 3 years had been seeing another woman (let's call her Claire) for 6 months. They were in love. They had a primarily emotional relationship and didn't have sex (I had him tested anyway). This was because for those six months I was very ill and it was unclear that I was ever going to get better. I was not pleasant to be with during those months and I suppose I couldn't provide for him the emotional things that go into a relationship. When I found out, he dumped Claire to stay with me even though I gave him an honest choice between the two of us. For 8 months Claire continued to send both of us messages, trying to get back in touch with my bf. It was awful. Every time she would send a message we would send back the same reply: "You know I don't want to talk to you." A couple weeks ago I found out that my bf had been talking to Claire again. Apparently she had texted him something extremely pathetic and he felt guilty and like he had to talk to her. The emotional affair this time was just over skype/texting although they planned to meet but never did. The affair only lasted two months until my bf's cat died and he realized that she wasn't a very good person because she didn't care at all about the cat. Throughout all this, of course I didn't know about the second affair, and we were looking for engagement rings. He asked my parents' permission to marry me and they were extremely excited. My mom gave me an heirloom diamond and had it set in a ring that my grandfather made (he was a jeweler but there are very few of his rings left). So we have a ring, but no proposal yet. We were supposed to go and get the ring from my parents today. Last night I caught the bf talking to an ex girlfriend (not Claire). It was just small talk but because of all the Claire stuff I got extremely threatened and upset. This is especially because the ex girlfriend was bringing up past events that happened when they were dating and sort of reminiscing. I decided to let my parents hold onto the ring until we got ourselves into pre-martial counseling. I'm starting to really doubt that this guy is the guy for me. He's incredibly flirtatious in public to the point that it's embarrassing to me. He's apologized a million times and bought me gifts and stuff but it's not enough. The thing is, he's great with the little things. He's affectionate, good in bed, loving, and remembers important events and celebrates them. He's handy and sweet and I love his family. It's just the big things that suck. Do you guys think that pre-marital counseling is even worth it? Or should I just move on? Link to post Share on other sites
BlueRidgeMTs Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 The cheating..and then stopping it..then doing it again are huge red flags. Put that together with him being overly flirtatious, and i would not be too confident about this relationship. You are smart to be re-thinking any engagement. Are you willing to trade the sweet things he does do for the fact that he will not keep his thing in his pants? I would'nt. I suppose counseling could'nt HURT..but...yeah........keep your eyes open wide. It's not starting off too good. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 There's a difference between cheating and being a serial cheater. Even if the affair was only emotional, it's now happened twice, and you say yourself he's so flirtatious in public that it is embarrassing. This guy isn't the guy for you or anyone else right now. He's not ready for a serious relationship. He doesn't understand what the word "commitment" really means. You say you were ill, but if the two of you were to get married, what would happen if you got sick again? Will he just go out and find/meet another woman? Relationships, especially marriages, are supposed to be in sickness and in health. He's broken your trust several times now, I don't see what good counseling would do, but convince you to stay with someone who is a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
eerie_reverie Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 The fact that he cheated WHILE you were sick makes him an even bigger d-bag than if he'd done it just because. I don't know how you could possibly trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 My vote is to "not engage." Dealing with a serious illness is a great way to discover your partner's true character. I faced a serious illness last fall (cancer), and my brand-new-husband was there for me through thick and thin, supporting me in everything I was facing -- all of the uncertainty, the fear, the tears, the doctors' visits, the surgery, the pain, the disfigurement, the cleaning of my drains and the wiping-of-my-ass-because-I-couldn't moments. Your boyfriend betrayed your trust when you were in a very vulnerable, ill, state -- never mind that it happened twice and now there's some other ex in the picture that raises flags for you. His first betrayal & affair speaks volumes to me -- doesn't it to you? Do you want someone who's sweet in the small things but has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted on larger, fundamental matters of trust, respect, and support? Link to post Share on other sites
SaturninaDickinsv Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Interesting topic. Want to see more on what you guys think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
notmarriageminded Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 So let me get this straight: Your man had an "emotional" relationship, but there was no sexual contact. He broke it off, then had a few conversations with her again, still refraining from intimacy. Then he had a few conversations with an ex-girlfriend, still refraining from intimacy and crossing the line. And all you gals are automatically condemning him as a "serial cheater?" Listen, young men like to flirt. They notice women and are bound to have interactions with them. If he's not lying, sneaking, or f-cking, then you owe it to him and yourself to push forward. You will NEVER find a man who is 100% completely and utterly so so so in love with you that his eyes fall out and his testicles shrivel up. Sexuality is a normal part of life, and it's only a problem when he starts acting on his impulses. Don't nitpick. It will be what eventually drives you apart. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Last May I found out that my bf of 3 years had been seeing another woman (let's call her Claire) for 6 months. They were in love. They had a primarily emotional relationship and didn't have sex (I had him tested anyway). This was because for those six months I was very ill and it was unclear that I was ever going to get better. I was not pleasant to be with during those months and I suppose I couldn't provide for him the emotional things that go into a relationship. When I found out, he dumped Claire to stay with me even though I gave him an honest choice between the two of us. For 8 months Claire continued to send both of us messages, trying to get back in touch with my bf. It was awful. Every time she would send a message we would send back the same reply: "You know I don't want to talk to you." A couple weeks ago I found out that my bf had been talking to Claire again. Apparently she had texted him something extremely pathetic and he felt guilty and like he had to talk to her. The emotional affair this time was just over skype/texting although they planned to meet but never did. The affair only lasted two months until my bf's cat died and he realized that she wasn't a very good person because she didn't care at all about the cat. hehe, he dumped her because she didn't care 'enough' about his cat when he didn't care about you at all when YOU were sick. haha - sorry, I just find that part idiotically funny. Look, if he blamed your illness for the affair - and just the fact that he did it while/because you were sick - that's not marriage material - I would think you would want someone to stand by you especially during your darkest hours. Furthermore, if you can't trust the guy, and you're going to be constantly insecure and angry because of the past - why sign up for a lifetime of this bulls**t? Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 This is a hard one - how old is your bf? Not that it matters much, but I noticed that most of my male friends became much more mature once they hit 30. That said, I had an ex who was a womanizer and the cheating started up again during our marriage - total nightmare. My current husband doesn't talk to exes, flirt with other women, use online chatrooms, etc. There is a world of difference between living on eggshells thinking your man is going to cheat on you and being with a man who is very unlikely to cheat. I feel loved and valued now, and I trust my husband to do what is right. Having that security is way better than the little things you describe. By the way, there are trustworthy men who will also do the little things you enjoy too. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 Don't get engaged, move on. If he abandoned you when you were sick (ya know when you needed him the MOST) then what does that say about his ability to handle crises? Cause you can bet when things get hard again it will be another "Claire" there to help him out emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 Not to engage Link to post Share on other sites
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