Giving Away Your Power

[NoIDidn't]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power, her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.

 

I'm not really talking about Ws here, but I do know they do the same thing.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?

[BB07]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power, her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.

 

I'm not really talking about Ws here, but I do know they do the same thing.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?

 

Good topic!

 

Fear, lack of self respect or loss of self confidence, feeling too insignificant or not strong enough to make our own decisions. Being afraid of making the wrong decision so by letting someone else make it for us, we can play victim or martyr or the helpless role.

 

Just some of the thoughts that popped into my head.

 

 

ETA........there have been times in my life when I've given away too much of myself and my power in relationships. I feel very confident that I will not allow it to happen again. Giving too much away is a absolute recipe for hurt and pain later.

Edited March 6, 2011 by BB07

[fooled once]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power, her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.

 

I'm not really talking about Ws here, but I do know they do the same thing.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?

 

Great questions.

 

I think maturity and experience play a role in how a woman acts.

 

I think some people are full of self doubt and will take whatever comes along.

 

I think some people want so badly to be "in love" or loved by someone, they will accept crumbs.

 

I think some people refuse to see the red flags and bury their head in the sand.

 

I think some people just don't want to be alone and have no problem making someone a priority when all they are is an option.

[BB07]

Ummmm, I'm surprised that there haven't been more responses. I wonder why, is it because it's a little too close to the heart and people don't want to admit their current or past weaknesses?

[NoIDidn't]

Ummmm, I'm surprised that there haven't been more responses. I wonder why, is it because it's a little too close to the heart and people don't want to admit their current or past weaknesses?

 

Could be. I think its hard to talk about even anonymously.

 

I haven't been in this position before so I'm really trying to hear from those that have. I'd like to think that I'd never do it, but I want to hear about others experiences, what they were thinking during them, to compare against the way I know that I think to see what I'd really do.

[BB07]

Or maybe they don't think they gave their power away at all and realized that THEY were the ones with all the power...

 

The MP has an ILLUSION of power...

 

It's all in the eye of the beholder...

 

The OP can go anywhere...Where can the MP go?

 

Home...

 

Well I agree with the bolded. Unfortunately often times the illusion of power is created because he/she is lying to both women/men.

 

Why does it often seem that the OW is the weaker one?

I did say often.......not in all cases. Just clarifying.

[BB07]

Could be. I think its hard to talk about even anonymously.

 

I haven't been in this position before so I'm really trying to hear from those that have. I'd like to think that I'd never do it, but I want to hear about others experiences, what they were thinking during them, to compare against the way I know that I think to see what I'd really do.

 

It is hard to talk about......heck the things I've said on here still blow my mind at times because I've brought up my screwed=up childhood and certainly my soul and some terrible pain for the whole world to see.

The only regret I have about it is that someone in RL does know who I am here. Wish I hadn't gave that away.

[NoIDidn't]

Or maybe they don't think they gave their power away at all and realized that THEY were the ones with all the power...

 

The MP has an ILLUSION of power...

 

It's all in the eye of the beholder...

 

The OP can go anywhere...Where can the MP go?

 

Home...

 

The question wasn't geared towards those that thought they had all the power in the A, so if there are mostly those here that feel that way, it would explain the lack of responses.

 

From what I've read in this forum, I doubt that though. Many seem to be waiting to hear from him to see if he wishes to continue the A, or if he's going to leave his M - and all this even after a d-day in some cases.

 

I'm not interested in making those posters feel bad, I'd just like to talk about their feelings of why they justify the waiting. Why they give their future to someone that isn't thinking about what's in their best interests.

 

And I think you can relate to this considering there was a time that you left your then-MM when he wouldn't leave his M. It was a moment of taking your power BACK.

 

But why even the need to do that, if you really believe what you assert here - that you had all the power.

 

Did you feel that he was getting more power than you wanted him to have and put your foot down? That would be a healthy response. But taking all the power isn't the best way to equalize things.

 

I agree with the implication that just because one is in an affair doesn't mean that the man automatically gets all the power over the MW/OW. The person with the most power is in a position to manipulate the other. It wouldn't be right for the MW/OW to have all the power either.

[NoIDidn't]

It is hard to talk about......heck the things I've said on here still blow my mind at times because I've brought up my screwed=up childhood and certainly my soul and some terrible pain for the whole world to see.

The only regret I have about it is that someone in RL does know who I am here. Wish I hadn't gave that away.

 

I think your openness and honesty is helping others. I would hope that the person that does know you are here wouldn't use it against you. That would be petty and mean-spirited.

 

I appreciate the things you've shared. You are a strong and self-aware woman. In the words of GI Joe, "knowing is half the battle". You are here working out what to do with what you know. This place has helped me in the same way.

[SunsetRed]

Just saw the movie For Colored Girls tonight for the first time tonight. The whole theme of this movie is that women need to hold on to their power and respect the soul that is inside their body.

 

The movie shows several story lines of what women have gone through and suffered just because they didn't feel they deserved better in their lives.

 

When I think of how I was ready to support my xMM so that he could support his wife and on top of that, he'd be living in my house, but we'd be limited as to where we could go publicly...wow, I'm so glad that I didn't allow myself to go through w that scenario.

 

God help me if/when he comes back. I have a feeing I'll hear from him again and I am in prayer as of this very day, that God will be in charge of every word i say, thought I think and action I do towards this man.

[BB07]

I think your openness and honesty is helping others. I would hope that the person that does know you are here wouldn't use it against you. That would be petty and mean-spirited.

 

I appreciate the things you've shared. You are a strong and self-aware woman. In the words of GI Joe, "knowing is half the battle". You are here working out what to do with what you know. This place has helped me in the same way.

 

Thanks for the kind words NID......

 

You know what they say, "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger".

 

Sorry for the T/J but I hope in another year I'm not quite so cynical about love and men. The scariest thing about it is that I don't even seem to care and I seem to be fine with thinking that I'm perfectly fine with not ever having anyone special in my life again. I feel so done with it! Heck I've got BOB in my nightstand drawer and that suits me just fine.

[NoIDidn't]

Just saw the movie For Colored Girls tonight for the first time tonight. The whole theme of this movie is that women need to hold on to their power and respect the soul that is inside their body.

 

The movie shows several story lines of what women have gone through and suffered just because they didn't feel they deserved better in their lives.

 

When I think of how I was ready to support my xMM so that he could support his wife and on top of that, he'd be living in my house, but we'd be limited as to where we could go publicly...wow, I'm so glad that I didn't allow myself to go through w that scenario.

 

God help me if/when he comes back. I have a feeing I'll hear from him again and I am in prayer as of this very day, that God will be in charge of every word i say, thought I think and action I do towards this man.

 

I loved this movie and the poetry in it. And it had great examples of women giving their power away to other women!!!! The very situation your MM was asking you to put yourself in - subjugating your power to that of his W while he supported her and not you! Not fair at all.

 

You'll probably hear from him again, so what boundaries are you going to stick to to keep your power?

[BB07]

I'm gonna have to watch that movie now.

[carrie999]

Interesting post. I suppose their is a power play in every relationship, even if it's never expressed as such, whether it's parent-child, husband-wife, or even just two friends. In my earlier relationships, I always felt like I was giving boyfriends power over me, even if I didn't show it...an issue that clearly stemmed from fear of intimacy.

 

In the best relationships I've had (even those with no chance of leading to marriage), there was a partnership and a sense of equal footing. In my affair, it is still true...I'm constantly surprised at the extent to which MM will find time to listen to me and try to come to an understanding on even the little issues that many would prefer to forget. In the sense that we can openly express ourselves and talk freely and work through everything so well, we are completely equal, and would have an ideal relationship if it was a "normal" one.

 

But I think in an affair, there is a power struggle that is completely unique to the affair situation, since there is no genuine commitment to the affair above the marriage. As long as the OP is hoping to have a life with the MP, the MP definitely has more power and can make bigger decisions about the fate of the R.

[tami-chan]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power' date=' her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.[/quote']

 

Not quite true. The OM say the same thing. So, I do not think it is a woman thing. I think it depends on who has less to lose-and it is usually the one who is single or who would not end up paying up for child support who waits.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Interesting.

[findingnemo]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power, her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.

 

I'm not really talking about Ws here, but I do know they do the same thing.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?[/QUOTE]

 

I had to think about this one for a bit. It's ok for me to admit that I gave away "my power" when I got involved in an A. I was young and naive and didn't know how else to deal with the man I loved telling me that it was kinda my fault that he'd married someone else. I gave it away so that I could get something in exchange - time with him. If I had stuck to my guns, there would never have been an A in the first place. I would have demanded he leave his W immediately and he would have said no. I had a choice between being "powerful" and having love. It seemed like a no brainer really. As time went on and RL sank in, the choice changed somewhat. I began to question the definition of love. I discovered that I had love only when we were together - the rest of the time was spent in anguish, longing, loneliness... If love was measured by how good I felt, then by virtue of being in an A and hardly seeing each other, I really didn't have much love. I had given away "my power" for mere fleeting moments of love. Once I realized that, I took it back.

 

It was easy for me to answer the first question. I'm finding it difficult to explain to myself how what I'm doing now is any different.

 

"What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?"

 

I refuse to have an A but I still love him. We rarely talk but when we do we tell each other certain "things". I have tried everything to move on and failed. I have now given up dating as a collossal waste of time. So what? Just sit and hope for something, anything? Sit and hope that someday soon, he makes the decision to leave? Am I not giving away "my power" again???

[woinlove]

But I think in an affair, there is a power struggle that is completely unique to the affair situation, since there is no genuine commitment to the affair above the marriage. As long as the OP is hoping to have a life with the MP, the MP definitely has more power and can make bigger decisions about the fate of the R.

 

Yes, I think this defines key power in many affairs. Not those where the AP is happy being the OW/OM and doesn't want more or where the MP moves swiftly to divorce. But many cases on LS are AP wanting more, and, the MP trying to keep both BS and AP where they are. Also, many AP are single and faithful to the MP. Just having one's love, affection, physical intimacy and/or personal commitment split between a BS and AP, gives one extra power. When both people are juggling two significant intimate relationships, things are more even.

[phillyfan]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power, her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.

 

I'm not really talking about Ws here, but I do know they do the same thing.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?

 

Dude u CANT have an affair n keep any power. The only girls that dont give up power r the ones that say hell no I aint puttin myself in that situation, i aint nobodys mistress, u respect my power u be single first b4 u come sniffin round me again. The ones that give up ALL theyre power THEYRE the mistresses.

[OWoman]

I've noticed that women in the position of OW or MW have a tendency to say in so many words "If HE wants it" or "I wonder what he thinks about us" and so on. It just got me to thinking that its just like a woman to give away her power, her chance to make her own choice and I don't know why that is.

 

I'm not really talking about Ws here, but I do know they do the same thing.

 

Does anyone know why? I'm asking sincerely. I've been told by many IRL that I don't think like the average woman (not meant as an insult or compliment, just an observation of me). And, admittedly, I don't understand the reasons that many women give away their power to the men in their lives - married to them or not.

 

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?

 

I've never done this in any R - A or otherwise - so cannot relate this thread to a reality I recognise in any way.

 

Perhaps there are some people out there who are like this, but luckily I am not one of them

[jthorne]

I've never done this in any R - A or otherwise - so cannot relate this thread to a reality I recognise in any way.

 

Perhaps there are some people out there who are like this, but luckily I am not one of them

Then may I ask why you bothered to post? To gloat?

[NoIDidn't]

Dude u CANT have an affair n keep any power. The only girls that dont give up power r the ones that say hell no I aint puttin myself in that situation, i aint nobodys mistress, u respect my power u be single first b4 u come sniffin round me again. The ones that give up ALL theyre power THEYRE the mistresses.

 

I agree and disagree. The giving away of the power doesn't seem to happen immediately like you say here. It seems that it happens over time with the MM. Once they start accepting the reasons that he can't answer his phone immediately, or why they can't call the marital home. Or whatever happens in the A that highlights that he is married and is keeping a secret from his W and family. Making many concessions to that point seem to be where the loss of power starts to stem from.

 

I have a girlfriend that met a MM just about two weeks ago. She's divorced and told me about it. She didn't know he was married initially. He called her on his way home one night and said "I'm married and I have no intention of leaving my W". I told her he seemed to be telling her upfront where she would stand with him. I'm not sure where they stand following his announcement, but I know she is still in contact with him.

 

In this case, it seems he wanted to establish who had the power upfront. But it doesn't always happen that way.

[NoIDidn't]

Why wait on the guy? For marriage? To leave his marriage? What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?

 

I had to think about this one for a bit. It's ok for me to admit that I gave away "my power" when I got involved in an A. I was young and naive and didn't know how else to deal with the man I loved telling me that it was kinda my fault that he'd married someone else. I gave it away so that I could get something in exchange - time with him. If I had stuck to my guns, there would never have been an A in the first place. I would have demanded he leave his W immediately and he would have said no. I had a choice between being "powerful" and having love. It seemed like a no brainer really. As time went on and RL sank in, the choice changed somewhat. I began to question the definition of love. I discovered that I had love only when we were together - the rest of the time was spent in anguish, longing, loneliness... If love was measured by how good I felt, then by virtue of being in an A and hardly seeing each other, I really didn't have much love. I had given away "my power" for mere fleeting moments of love. Once I realized that, I took it back.

 

It was easy for me to answer the first question. I'm finding it difficult to explain to myself how what I'm doing now is any different.

 

Thank you, Nemo! for the bolded. This is what I was missing. And its such a simple and to the point answer that I just didn't think of. I was thinking that the power was being given away for the ultimate goal of being with him fulltime (as in married, or equivalent). I didn't consider that some time was better than no time. I'm an all-or-nothing person.

 

Thank you.

 

"What do we tell ourselves when we put it in the guy's hands instead of our own?"

 

I refuse to have an A but I still love him. We rarely talk but when we do we tell each other certain "things". I have tried everything to move on and failed. I have now given up dating as a collossal waste of time. So what? Just sit and hope for something, anything? Sit and hope that someday soon, he makes the decision to leave? Am I not giving away "my power" again???

 

Hey, so long as you aren't waiting as in doing nothing socially in the hopes that he might leave one day or keeping your heart closed to other potential Rs, I wouldn't say you're still giving away your power. But if you are still only ever considering being with him while not in an affair, I'd say he still has it to a degree.

 

It takes time to move from A to NC to truly able to commit to another R for some. If you are still holding out that kind of hope to be with him, I'd only be concerned if its still the case in a year or two.

 

Good luck, Nemo. Thanks for your response.

[Silly_Girl]

Then may I ask why you bothered to post? To gloat?

 

Priceless!!!!!! :laugh:

 

[Silly_Girl]

I have a girlfriend that met a MM just about two weeks ago. She's divorced and told me about it. She didn't know he was married initially. He called her on his way home one night and said "I'm married and I have no intention of leaving my W". I told her he seemed to be telling her upfront where she would stand with him. I'm not sure where they stand following his announcement, but I know she is still in contact with him.

 

In this case, it seems he wanted to establish who had the power upfront. But it doesn't always happen that way.

 

Can I ask - is that the only way you can interpret his actions? As part of a power struggle?

[whichwayisup]

Not quite true. The OM say the same thing.

 

I think MM controls if in a MM/OW affair. A MW controls in an MW/OM affair.

And, alot of the time MM are in control in an MM/MW affair.

 

**Yes I am overly exaggerating and ofcourse not ALL or every MM is in control but the majority who post here, it seems from what various OW post like, the MM has alot of control, as MW when an OM posts. Position of power, who calls the shots, who sets time aside for whom.**

 

Sorry if my posts right now may not be worded well, been watching ( at this late hour, why??) Damian Omen scary movie on TV.