lookingforadvic Posted March 6, 2011 Share Posted March 6, 2011 Has anybody been in a successful relationship after a person has cheated on them? I'm 23 and my partner is 25 and I feel like we are young with enough time to change. She cheated on me during our "break" which is essentially the same because the break was a dumb excuse. She has alot to offer if she can manage to fix her problem. Any ideas or previous experiences would help. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 My LTR ex and I managed almost another decade post-cheating (which happened on a break as well). We're not together anymore and he went back to the girl he cheated with. I found out the other day that they got married a few months ago. So, if you consider a significant period of time together post-break up "a successful relationship" then we had one. That's not to say it can't happen in terms of a lifetime together (if that's your definition of "successful"), but in my experience and opinion, trust once broken is forever lost. Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 in my experience and opinion, trust once broken is forever lost. this. you might be able to bury your true feelings about it, but the question will still always be there in the back of your mind. one shot per person is now my motto in life. and to re-iterate what january2011 also said, that's not to say it can't happen. but in my experience, its hasnt worked out for me getting back with a cheater. a part of me was never completely happy after the fact. you can not fix this problem in her. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
gator12 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 this. you might be able to bury your true feelings about it, but the question will still always be there in the back of your mind. one shot per person is now my motto in life. and to re-iterate what january2011 also said, that's not to say it can't happen. but in my experience, its hasnt worked out for me getting back with a cheater. a part of me was never completely happy after the fact. you can not fix this problem in her. good luck. Have to disagree with you paleblue. There are, in my opinion two types of cheaters. There are the once in a lifetime cheaters, who cheat once and immensely regret it and come back and truly are sorry for it and could never do it again. Then there are of course the chronic cheaters who literally have it in their nature. It all depends on the type of cheater you are dealing with and the sad thing is, if it's only happened once you don't know until it happens again and that is the chance you have to take. Trust I do believe can be mended but the fact is the amount of work it takes after cheating most couple can just not get a functional relationship together afterwards. My ex and I are managing to do that right now, but her cheating was hardly her screwing another guy. It was one kiss and even that is taking a lot of work on both sides of this second chance. I can't even begin to imagine how bad it would be if it were full blown cheating. But here's the fact, if they cheated on you multiple times, it is in their nature and you cannot change them. If it was only once and they are truly sorry for it and show you that through how hard they work for the second chance then you may be able to save it. But the latter is definitely rare. -Gator Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 id say you guys have a good shot at working things out because there was no sex involved. yeah, kissing someone else will hurt you, but there just seems to be something about crossing that other line that actually changes the dynamics of a relationship. which is more or less what im talking about here. yeah, i would be seriously concerned with kissing, but im not so sure if that is full blown cheating. not that it really changes things in my opinion, but i do agree there are different classes of cheaters. some are serial cheaters, and some are i got carried away one time and feel like crap cheaters. at least the one timers have a conscience. if i got cheated on im thinking it would take an exorbitant amount of energy for the cheater to get my attention back, thus making me more trouble than i am worth to them. after groveling on their hands and knees at my feet for a period of time, i would want more or less total submission for an undetermined amount of time along with a few other serious concessions. and even then, i may not reciprocate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lookingforadvic Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 It was full blown. I went away for school in Florida and it did not even happen than. It "happened" because we were supposed to move in together and I backed out due to money. I am 22 though so it is tough. That is the "excuse" along with some other issues that she thought I was backing away. She has a long history of hooking up with this person before me but never told me because I do not like him at all. It does not look good for me but I cannot cope. I feel terrible and miserable and do not want to leave my bed or wake up in the morning. I really hope people can understand how bad this hurts people..... Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 dont let her make you feel guilty for her cheating. that is called her trying to blame shift to relieve her own guilty feelings. its her doing and no one elses. you did nothing wrong. she is a liar a cheater and a manipulator. i hope you dont consider getting back with her, or even talking to her anymore. you would be doing yourself a disservice in my opinion. if someone really loves and respects you, they dont make you feel like this. and yes, lots of us on here understand how badly it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Layzie89 Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 My ex cheated on me four times that I know of. One was just kissing, the other three were all the way. And these are just the ones I know for sure about, who knows how many more she's cheated on me with... I took her back each and every time, I strongly believed that she was the one. Other than her unfaithfulness...she was the perfect girl for me. The love was real.. we clicked so well, enjoyed the same things, had a lot of mutual friends, she came to my family functions as I did hers. But for some reason...after a few months or so of getting better she'd relapse. She'll stop picking up her phone, ignore my texts...stories wouldn't add up and BAM...the news hits me once again that she cheated, again. So, in my experience, I think it's highly unlikely a relationship will work out once one has cheated. I do agree with gator12 though, about the two types of cheaters, and I feel as if my ex falls in the category of 'chronic cheater' What kills me the most...is knowing that once my ex gets all her partying out...and she's ready to settle down..some other guy is going to get to have her at her best at the expense of all her ex-bf's feelings. That's so ***n unfair...she really is a great gal aside from all the bull**** Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 she really is a great gal aside from all the bull**** Then she's not a great gal if she's a cheater. IMO there's no two types of cheaters because at the end of the day, they're all selfish and once they cross that line that selfish state of mind will forever be there, whether they keep cheating or not. But like Jan.2011 said, once the trust is broken there's nothing to work on. Won't spend my life with a selfish, unremorseful cheater who thinks about the person they screwed from time to time. Nope. Sure, some folks do manage to get over their partner's cheating and stay with them, whether they're remorseful or not. But that's not me. One shot, one chance is my code. Link to post Share on other sites
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