Am I right to leave?

[underconstruction]

Hello all,

 

Due to some choices I've made, there's no one in my life with whom I can frankly discuss my situation. I feel like I may not be seeing things clearly, and I am looking for some outside feedback. I realize that I have made some poor and hurtful decisions and I know there will be consequences; that being said, I would really appreciate your honest thoughts.

 

I am 21 years old and have been married to my 22-year-old husband for 2.5 years, together for almost 4 years. We have no children. Our personalities are almost exactly opposite. He is fun-loving, sweet, not overly emotional, carefree, not highly motivated, and has low expectations of himself and others. I am a high-stress personality, very driven, emotional, given to over-analyzing, and an extremely self-critical person with a deep-seated need to control my own destiny and move forward at a rapid pace. You can probably see how we balance each other out, and how at the same time we could drive each other insane.

 

I don't know how much detail to include, so feel free to ask for additional backstory, etc.

 

When it comes right down to it, I want to leave him. Even though I know I love/loved him, I have wanted to leave him since before we even got married. Partially because of how different we are, though that is also partially why I was so attracted to him. But every time I get to the point of talking to him about it and trying to get him to see what I see, he convinces me to stay, saying it will all be okay. I don't know why I keep believing him, except I can't stand to see the hurt on his face when I talk about leaving so I try to convince myself that I'm overreacting.

 

My problems are as follows:

 

 

1) I have never been happy while we have been together. I wasn't happy when we started dating (struggled with low-self esteem, depression/anxiety, and eating disorder, all of which got worse when we were together). He has never been abusive to me, and I have no grounds for divorce, other than I just don't see how I will ever be happy. He has told me, in a rare moment of self-expression, that pretty much the only thing that makes him unhappy is the fact that I'm not happy and he can't figure out how to fix me. I think that if I leave him, I will have the opportunity to become who I was meant to be. However, he will be devastated. I have always told him that there is someone out there who would be better for him. He says all he wants is to be with me, and being with me makes him happy.

 

2) I cannot imagine our future together. Every time I try, I see myself unhappy and not living up to my full potential. I see him still trying to avoid all the issues by telling himself and me that everything is going to be fine. I want to be a mom someday, but I can't picture having children with him. It seems like it would be unfair to bring a child into a relationship that I'm not sure will last.

 

3) I am not proud of this, in fact I am ashamed, but I have cheated on him. Twice when we had been married almost a year, because I wanted a way to leave and I couldn't see any other way that he would ever let me go. After the fact, I realized how devastated he would be. When I told him what I had done, after he made me tell him who and why, he asked me if I wanted to stay married. I said no, I didn't think so. He asked if I loved him, I said yes. He wanted to stay together, and convinced me that we could work it out and things would get better. I decided to try again, though I wasn't sure if it could work.

 

He does not know that three months later, I sort-of cheated again. A one-time situation that I regretted before it was even over. I felt awful, and didn't tell him because we were trying to "work it out" and I had recently started a new direction career-wise that I thought would help our future together.

 

This was all over a year ago. For a while, I was trying very hard to believe that it was going to be great. I was reading marriage books and all that. Recently, I have grown more and more unhappy, lonely and dissatisfied, in my own personal life and in our relationship. There have been a few other incidents in between, proving to me yet once more that I cannot be faithful to my husband. In the last couple of months, I ended up in something of a flirtation which turned into a hook-up, which turned into several more meetings and then an over-nighter when my husband was out of town.

 

The other man is older, and not necessarily someone I could see myself being with long-term, due to lifestyle differences etc., but I had/have some feelings for him which I didn't see coming. I don't think he feels the same about me... he has been very distant lately, despite actively pursuing me for about a month. Frankly, I think he lost too much respect for me when I gave in and hooked up with him.

 

More than anything, I have realized through this most recent experience that no matter how much I try to tell myself I can make this marriage work, it's just not meant to be. The fault is on my side much more than on my husband's... though there are a few things he does that are not constructive, he is trying, or he says he is, and he really does want to be with me. I feel like it is extremely cruel and unfair for me to keep on agreeing to stay and trying to make it work when I just keep on proving that I am not the right partner for him.

 

I know he would be hurt beyond belief if I actually stuck to my guns and left him. I shudder to think of causing him that much pain; even if I apparently don't have the kind of love for him that I need in order to be faithful, I do love him as a friend and as a person.

 

But he will eventually find out what I did. I would much rather just tell him myself, awful as that will be, and be firm in my resolve to leave before I do even more damage.

 

Beyond hurting him, I have thought about how our families and friends will react. Obviously, it will be my reputation that will go by the wayside; I imagine that all our friends will (and should) side with him. Splitting up may also put my job in jeopardy; the people who employ me are very straight-laced, religious people, and in the state where I live, one can be fired without any reason cited. It is likely that I will have to start all over, and that thought scares me a little.

 

Despite all of that, I can't imagine continuing to live this way. Should I tell him what I did? I think he would still want to try and work things out. Should I be firm and tell him I have to leave, that it will be better for both of us?

 

Sorry this is so very long... If anyone has read this far, please take a minute to tell me what you think.

[robf1971]

3I am not proud of this, in fact I am ashamed, but I have cheated on him. Twice when we had been married almost a year, because I wanted a way to leave and I couldn't see any other way that he would ever let me go. After the fact, I realized how devastated he would be. When I told him what I had done, after he made me tell him who and why, he asked me if I wanted to stay married. I said no, I didn't think so. He asked if I loved him, I said yes. He wanted to stay together, and convinced me that we could work it out and things would get better. I decided to try again, though I wasn't sure if it could work.

 

He does not know that three months later, I sort-of cheated again.

 

Leave this man and let him find someone who really cares about him and would never cheat. There are plenty of confident pretty women out there with high enough integrity not to cheat.

[cyabye]

From the way I am reading this, the problem lies within yourself not your husband. Divorce your husband and let him grieve the process so he may find someone who truly cares about him. You are no good for him. PERIOD. You are causing more harm by staying with him. He deserves better. You will find that by being single or by being involved with whomever, you will not be happy until you address the problems you have within yourself. If you recognize them as problems first.

 

cya

[What_Next]

You are young, you have no children and it sounds to me like you have made your mind up already. Don't drag this out; let him go. I'd suggest you get yourself into some sort of counseling to prevent a future repeat of this again.

 

Good luck, cheating is NEVER acceptable, but learn to forgive yourself and in the process you'll perhaps find the underlying causes.