Can't escape marriage

[HenryHero]

I've been married 20 years, virtually all of them unhappy. My wife doesn't work, preferring to focus on singing which pays very little, although she could easily teach. She does take care of all the domestic duties and finances (perhaps a mistake on my part letting her do that, she knows all about the money now) and has been a good mother. There's been no adultery or abuse on either side, except perhaps emotional abuse toward me on her part. She can be pretty mean, and has a tendency to get depressed and angry. I stayed on because of my daughter, I didn't want to mess up her life, but with a vague plan to divorce once she went off to college.

 

But, once my daughter went to college, I was stunned to find out that my state has utterly draconian alimony laws which would effectively force me to pay my wife 1/3 to 1/2 my salary for life, after giving away at least 1/2 of all I own. It's brutal. I think the motivation is that if the judges give horrible judgements, then the alimony-payor will keep coming to court to try to reduce them. The really scary thing is my wife could file at any time! I'm not sure why she doesn't. She probably doesn't know about the law. She's refused every attempt I've made to get marriage counseling.

 

There is a bill recently filled that would supposedly change this to stop alimony at 67, but I understand the judge still has great discretion and can order it for life. We'll see when the bill goes through, probably this summer. I haven't pursued divorce mostly due to the horrific alimony laws.

 

A software engineer, I was downsized last December. Previous to that I was making a good salary, although I worked long hours. Currently I'm learning mobile programming with the intent to make a living as a freelancer. However, global competition makes getting a good rate very competitive, and I can easily see myself getting back into the rat-race for the security of the steady pay-check.

 

However, since I'm now no longer employed this may be the time to move. However, my state also reimburses health care if you're out of work, not an insignificant consideration since it costs $1000 per month.

 

My options:

 

1) Move to a neighboring state

2) Move out of the country

3) Stay put

 

I'm getting kind of older now, it's not so easy to make a move. Especially since my wife is completely uninterested in moving. But, it could be done. I feel trapped. Any advice is welcome.

[BB07]

This is gonna sound harsh but here goes anyway. I'm not buying that stuff about being trapped........if you feel that way it's a prison that you allowed yourself to stay in.

 

And another thing........if you weren't happy with your wifes career then you should have put your foot down a long, long time ago but instead you let it go on and you are whining about it now.

 

Draconian alimony laws uh! From what you described your wife has contributed to the household in very real ways and if you didn't like it you should have spoke up before now as I said above, so now heck yes she is entitled to 1/2. You were in partnership with her and it sounds like she kept up her end of the bargain. If you had marriage issues, you should have insisted that you both addressed them or you should have said you'd walk then.

 

So in my view........you don't have a right to whine now about the alimony laws........if you are so miserable then get off the pot and suck it up and pay out. You are responsible for your inaction then and now.

[SoMovinOn]

And another thing........if you weren't happy with your wifes career then you should have put your foot down a long, long time ago but instead you let it go on and you are whining about it now.

 

BB... I always love your stuff, your honesty, even if I don't always agree with it. You do, however, have me very confused on this point. How exactly does one "Put their foot down" to force a spouse, or any other human, to do something they don't want to do and have no intention of doing?

 

Obviously, you can discuss your feelings with them, but if they don't respond to that, then what? Hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper?

[robf1971]

I've been married 20 years, virtually all of them unhappy. .

 

Sorry, tough words here. Nobody, I mean NOBODY sticks around 20 years if they are unhappy. Sounds like your doing a little history rewrite.

[BB07]

BB... I always love your stuff, your honesty, even if I don't always agree with it. You do, however, have me very confused on this point. How exactly does one "Put their foot down" to force a spouse, or any other human, to do something they don't want to do and have no intention of doing?

 

Obviously, you can discuss your feelings with them, but if they don't respond to that, then what? Hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper?

 

LOL.........sorry for not being clearer and you are right we can't "make" someone do something but we have to decide what the dealbreakers are.

 

I meant that he should have said, x or y is intolerable for me, what can we do to fix it? If she was unresponsive or ignored his request then he should have had a consequence for her, a serious one if it was that important to him. = putting your foot down.

[SoMovinOn]

LOL.........sorry for not being clearer and you are right we can't "make" someone do something but we have to decide what the dealbreakers are.

 

I meant that he should have said, x or y is intolerable for me, what can we do to fix it? If she was unresponsive or ignored his request then he should have had a consequence for her, a serious one if it was that important to him. = putting your foot down.

 

Honestly, I knew that was what you meant, but... what are the consequences one might offer a spouse? It seems often in a marriage, you can ask for things to change, but if/when they don't, your options are to get out of the marriage or stay and accept it the way it is. Doesn't it seem the latter is most often the choice made? ... and isn't that because those are pretty much the only two choices?

[BB07]

Honestly, I knew that was what you meant, but... what are the consequences one might offer a spouse? It seems often in a marriage, you can ask for things to change, but if/when they don't, your options are to get out of the marriage or stay and accept it the way it is. Doesn't it seem the latter is most often the choice made? ... and isn't that because those are pretty much the only two choices?

 

You are right........those usually are the two choices and both of them are very scary and hard and usually deciding to leave is the hardest one because sometimes what is unknown is a hell of a lot scarier than what you do know.

 

IMO, most people won't take the risk of the unknown, they lie to themselves and pretend that it's tolerable or that things will magically change on their own, then years later when things are the same, the resentment is huge. Resentment and anger against the spouse and maybe even more resentment and anger against themselves. So they do what this guy is doing.....or they have an affair.

 

My 2 cents of wisdom for the day. lol

[BB07]

The OPS possessions and hanging on to what he sees as "his money" are obviously more important than his happiness, or is it that he just wants to see it that way because if he makes excuses he doesn't have to actually do anything to change it????

 

I'd be willing to bet that his wife is not joyously happy in the marriage either because he comes off as a very selfish entitled *&^!

[sally4sara]

I've been married 20 years, virtually all of them unhappy. My wife doesn't work, preferring to focus on singing which pays very little, although she could easily teach. She does take care of all the domestic duties and finances (perhaps a mistake on my part letting her do that, she knows all about the money now) and has been a good mother. There's been no adultery or abuse on either side, except perhaps emotional abuse toward me on her part. She can be pretty mean, and has a tendency to get depressed and angry. I stayed on because of my daughter, I didn't want to mess up her life, but with a vague plan to divorce once she went off to college.

 

But, once my daughter went to college, I was stunned to find out that my state has utterly draconian alimony laws which would effectively force me to pay my wife 1/3 to 1/2 my salary for life, after giving away at least 1/2 of all I own. It's brutal.

However, since I'm now no longer employed this may be the time to move. However, my state also reimburses health care if you're out of work, not an insignificant consideration since it costs $1000 per month.

 

My options:

 

1) Move to a neighboring state

2) Move out of the country

3) Stay put

 

I'm getting kind of older now, it's not so easy to make a move. Especially since my wife is completely uninterested in moving. But, it could be done. I feel trapped. Any advice is welcome.

 

Mkay, if the way she is has made you miserable for most of 20 years, why would you think sticking around for more would make your daughter's life better? I'm thinking nah, you're so upset over the idea of splitting mutual assets with someone who handled all the domestic, parenting and financial handling for you two that I'm going to guess you didn't want to add child support to that sum. If she was handling all the finances for you - part of those assets you're wanting to keep to yourself are to their tune for her efforts.

At anytime, you could have said "This isn't working for me, I'm miserable and you don't earn much outside of the home. If this doesn't change, I'm leaving"

Perhaps if you had said that, she'd have realized the tenuous situation she could end up in if you were gone and went out and got a self sustaining job.

 

It is only now, that her ability as a mother is becoming unnecessary and you're making less money that before that you want rid of her so badly that you don't care if she can keep a roof over her head. She is sometimes mean? What do you call what you're wanting to do after 20 years of marriage? Nice? You've been plotting this for how many years now keeping her in the dark about the future and you don't think that's mean?

[willowthewisp]

Whose the mistress?

[SoMovinOn]

The OPS possessions and hanging on to what he sees as "his money" are obviously more important than his happiness, or is it that he just wants to see it that way because if he makes excuses he doesn't have to actually do anything to change it????

 

I'd be willing to bet that his wife is not joyously happy in the marriage either because he comes off as a very selfish entitled *&^!

 

...OR... is does the OP fall more into the same thing you described in your response to me, which was the post right above your response here - that's it's easier to choose to accept and live with it than to take the scarier route and leave?

 

As for how he feels about supporting her... I can fully understand. Yes, she may have made some contributions to the household, and, in return, all her expenses were covered during that time. When a guy busts his hump to support a woman, who gives nothing in return, other than a few household chores, hell yes he's going to resent the idea of supporting her beyond what he has already done. Had she been simply employed as his accountant, cook and housemaid, she'd have no claim to being paid once that employment ended.

 

In his case, she didn't give up a career to do those things for him, she willingly chose to not work, in spite of him asking her to do exactly that. Her choice. *She* should suffer the consequences of that choice, not him.

Edited March 8, 2011 by SoMovinOn

[Duckduckgoose]

Wow... everyone has said what I want to say... they are not so nice about it but they are laying you bare OP.

 

I would not be surprised if OP does not post again... then again his situation is kind of shady...

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey OP, instead of being so conflict-avoidant about the situation you might gain yourself a happy marriage if you you jnuo different ways of improving it. If you are interested in some resources and literature on the subject I will post some.

 

Clearly the unhappy marriage has not worked for you in a long time and you don't want to shell out the cash in divorce proceedings so maybe you should give some thought to fixing your end if the marriage and see if that improves anything. Quite frankly I would give immeasurable yards to have a spouse for 20 years that has not cheated on me or abused me and took care if the home and finances. It just sounds like done if the other dynamics need work. Why not try anything like that instead of bottling up what us going on and then taking a drastic, cutting move to end the relationship? Would it not be better to try ten options to save what was 20 years in the making? She may not be willing to go to MC, but that us not the only thing that can be done. You can completely alter who you are and how you respond to her, that would force some change if her end. If the changes you were making were positive then she would probably test you and then follow suit.

 

Maybe if you spent some more tine taking care of the finances and housework that may motivate her to spend her free time exploring other areas of her life and then you could appreciate the housework and financial contributions she puts forward more? Do you take an interest on her singing?

 

Just wondering....

[Mme. Chaucer]

.

 

 

When a guy busts his hump to support a woman, who gives nothing in return, other than a few household chores, hell yes he's going to resent the idea of supporting her beyond what he has already done. Had she been simply employed as his accountant, cook and housemaid, she'd have no claim to being paid once that employment ended.

 

In his case, she didn't give up a career to do those things for him, she willingly chose to not work, in spite of him asking her to do exactly that. Her choice. *She* should suffer the consequences of that choice, not him.

 

Ugh. Come on.

 

First, he did not say in his post that he EVER asked her to "do exactly that" (earn more money). I doubt vehemently that this situation was entirely put in place by the wife. More likely, the OP was fine with having his every domestic need handled and his child raised by a SAHM while he worked ... both members of this couple probably instituted this scenario.

 

Second, raising a child, being an "accountant, cook and housemaid" constitute quite a bit more than "a few household chores." Try paying for all of that. Many couples opt for one to stay at home to raise the kid (s) partly because the additional salary (for example, the earnings of a singing teacher) would not really do much more than cover cost of full time child care; also, if the wife worked full time then the OP would have been reasonably expected to shoulder 1/2 of all the household duties.

 

OP, you present yourself in a pretty ugly light here. If you want to divorce, you should divorce. If you feel trapped - you created your own trap. And, your wife OWNS 1/2 of what you have as a couple. It's not yours. It belongs to the two of you.

 

You say your wife was and is a good mother; it sounds like she has always done a good job with household stuff and has taken care of YOU, too. Now you want to be done with her. You seriously want to cut her off financially after all of the life you've shared? It's not her fault you've been a miserable person for 20 years; it is yours.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am starting to wonder when anyone is going to side with OP. He sounds a bit like my stbxH.

 

OP... would you like a pat on the back? A cookie maybe...? Perhaps a shoulder to cry on that you had a good wife and are going to turn around and really shaft her because for the past 20 years YOU were never ever happy...ever.

 

Should you leave the country to avoid having to pay alimony? Sure... I hear Libya and Egypt are in need of new citizens...

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP, could it be that you are interested in another woman? Perhaps someone you've reconnected with from your youth?

[Tayla]

well duck, may I be the first to chime in and say that he is correct to guard HIS finances.

He fed her, clothed her, paid her insurance, medical, real estate taxes, paid vacations,mortgage,car payment, car insurance, utilities, household goods, ohh the list goes on...bottom line...it was his work ethics that kept a roof over there heads and food in there bellies. So thank your lucky stars if you are fortunate to have a spouse that provides so you can be at home...or else you wouldnt have a home to tend.