uncool Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 (edited) married 17yrs 4 kids. I am the romantic type of husband who loves to spoil his wife. Every time I try to make our anniversary special she seems to fight it. What is wrong with a nice candle lit dinner at a nice restaurant to commemorate your marriage? This year I decided to make plans in advance. I gave her 3 choices. The first two choices were mine... then I said if that didn't sound fun she was more than welcome to choose something she wanted to do. I reminded her a few days in advance. I hinted I liked option #1... she said she didn't want to do option#1 so I dropped it thinking option#2 & #3 were what she was maybe aiming towards. My wife hates to talk or communicate in any fashion... it seems to be my job to guess what she wants. I'm just dying to get a reconnection going w/my wife. So friday night is our anniversary. I text her right before I leave the office asking her if she's ready to go out. She texts me back and says "lets talk about it when you get home". So things are already starting to fall apart. So I decide to step it up and bring home a nice bouquet of a dozen long stemmed red roses. I made dinner reservations at 2 different restaraunts (in case she didn't like one we could go to the other) and got movie tickets to a romantic movie and also was prepared to foil all those plans in case she wanted to do something else for plan "C" .... but what did she choose?? Nothing!!! I get home from work and she's totally avoiding me she just sits on the couch in front of the TV playing her damn cell phone game. hours go by and it's getting late. I finally just leave the house & go to dinner and a movie by myself. I'm going to at least go do something fun and take care of myself. I come home later that night.... she doesn't even question where I've been she's still sitting in front of the damn TV playing her damn cell phone game and falls a sleep on the couch while I go to bed alone. So my question is "am I over reacting"? are marriage anniversaries usually no big deal to most married couples? Do most women think anniversaries are dumb? I even bought her $5k worth of new furniture she's always wanted as a little gift right before our anniversary. So 2 days later and out of blue she says "I'm starving lets go get something to eat" Of course I jumped at the chance to spend time w/her. We get to her favorite restaurant and there's an hour and a half wait. She says "wow we maybe should have planned ahead and got a reservation or something"... I decided to just bite my lip and say nothing about my previous reservations the night before. So after dinner we return home... she plops in front of the TV and whips out the cell phone game and decides to spend the night on the couch again. No kiss no hand shake no hug no nothing. She sleeps on the couch a lot recently... but just this once I was hoping for her to recognize my efforts and be turned on and impressed or reward me or something. I haven't had sex in 4 months. Is a little affection or action once in a while so much to ask in a husbands efforts to make his wife happy? I'm not abusive, I have no bad habits or addictions, we don't argue or fight.... what am I missing or doing wrong? I feel absolutely lonely. I try so hard. I can't win. I get slammed w/rejection every single time. I'm starting to look at other women even though I don't want to. Should I just chill out and not let things like this bother me? Do most women like their man to try to make anniversaries special? or is it a turn off? or do wifes get disgusted with their husbands efforts and only think we're trying to get some? Edited March 7, 2011 by uncool Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 married 17yrs 4 kids. I am the romantic type of husband who loves to spoil his wife. Every time I try to make our anniversary special she seems to fight it. What is wrong with a nice candle lit dinner at a nice restaurant to commemorate your marriage? This year I decided to make plans in advance. I gave her 3 choices. The first two choices were mine... then I said if that didn't sound fun she was more than welcome to choose something she wanted to do. I reminded her a few days in advance. I hinted I liked option #1... she said she didn't want to do option#1 so I dropped it thinking option#2 & #3 were what she was maybe aiming towards. My wife hates to talk or communicate in any fashion... it seems to be my job to guess what she wants. I'm just dying to get a reconnection going w/my wife. So friday night is our anniversary. I text her right before I leave the office asking her if she's ready to go out. She texts me back and says "lets talk about it when you get home". So things are already starting to fall apart. So I decide to step it up and bring home a nice bouquet of a dozen long stemmed red roses. I made dinner reservations at 2 different restaraunts (in case she didn't like one we could go to the other) and got movie tickets to a romantic movie and also was prepared to foil all those plans in case she wanted to do something else for plan "C" .... but what did she choose?? Nothing!!! I get home from work and she's totally avoiding me she just sits on the couch in front of the TV playing her damn cell phone game. hours go by and it's getting late. I finally just leave the house & go to dinner and a movie by myself. I'm going to at least go do something fun and take care of myself. I come home later that night.... she doesn't even question where I've been she's still sitting in front of the damn TV playing her damn cell phone game and falls a sleep on the couch while I go to bed alone. So my question is "am I over reacting"? are marriage anniversaries usually no big deal to most married couples? Do most women think anniversaries are dumb? I even bought her $5k worth of new furniture she's always wanted as a little gift right before our anniversary. So 2 days later and out of blue she says "I'm starving lets go get something to eat" Of course I jumped at the chance to spend time w/her. We get to her favorite restaurant and there's an hour and a half wait. She says "wow we maybe should have planned ahead and got a reservation or something"... I decided to just bite my lip and say nothing about my previous reservations the night before. So after dinner we return home... she plops in front of the TV and whips out the cell phone game and decides to spend the night on the couch again. No kiss no hand shake no hug no nothing. She sleeps on the couch a lot recently... but just this once I was hoping for her to recognize my efforts and be turned on and impressed or reward me or something. I haven't had sex in 4 months. Is a little affection or action once in a while so much to ask in a husbands efforts to make his wife happy? I'm not abusive, I have no bad habits or addictions, we don't argue or fight.... what am I missing or doing wrong? I feel absolutely lonely. I try so hard. I can't win. I get slammed w/rejection every single time. I'm starting to look at other women even though I don't want to. Should I just chill out and not let things like this bother me? Do most women like their man to try to make anniversaries special? or is it a turn off? or do wifes get disgusted with their husbands efforts and only think we're trying to get some? I really hate to say this but have you done some digging to find out if she's having an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I feel absolutely lonely. I try so hard. I can't win. I get slammed w/rejection every single time. I'm starting to look at other women even though I don't want to. If you get your marriage back on track there will be a time to start all this pursuing stuff. I'm gonna write this in capitals "STOP PURSUING HER NOW". No more flowers, gifts, candlelit dinners etc, she's just seeing it as pressure, you need to back the hell off. Stop sounding like a lovesick puppy, she can see it and it's turnign her off even more, she's lost all respect for you, without respect there can't be love. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I really hate to say this but have you done some digging to find out if she's having an affair? I agree. She's probably cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 What woman doesn't love being spoiled or treated nicely from time to time? This woman is probably cheating on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de Lis Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Since she likes her cell phone so much and can't be without it, why not get one of those invisible apps that will use her gps chip and allow you to see where she goes on a map? At least that way you can discreetly see if she has any "missing time" away from home or work or if she is spending a lot of time at a seemingly random location. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 I really hate to say this but have you done some digging to find out if she's having an affair? yes, i'm 100% sure she's NOT having an affair. yes, I've tried backing the hell off all the other 364 days in the year. you say she's lost respect for me ... how so? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 Are you sure (I mean sure, sure sure) there is no affair? The cell phone "game" and sleeping on the couch are highly suspicous to me. As for losing respect, it might not even be that. It might be that you've lost that "connection", that "spark". How were things when you first met? Lightning and sparks etc? Lavishing the "things" on your wife are not helping in this case. If this is just a case of a loss of a connection and/or poor communication then perhaps MC might help. However, that is all moote until you are completely sure of her faithfulness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Are you sure (I mean sure, sure sure) there is no affair? The cell phone "game" and sleeping on the couch are highly suspicous to me. As for losing respect, it might not even be that. It might be that you've lost that "connection", that "spark". How were things when you first met? Lightning and sparks etc? Lavishing the "things" on your wife are not helping in this case. If this is just a case of a loss of a connection and/or poor communication then perhaps MC might help. However, that is all moote until you are completely sure of her faithfulness. yes I'm completely sure she's not cheating. I have a home office and she never goes anywhere besides driving the kids to school. Yes she was horny when we were dating & before we got married. Re-establishing the connection is hard when she turns me down for any type of date. But if one of her sisters or one of the ladies in her church group invite her to do something....she's all over that and gladly accepts. In another post I mentioned possibly moving out to see if that would wake her up ....but the overall response I got was that it wouldn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 yes I'm completely sure she's not cheating. I have a home office and she never goes anywhere besides driving the kids to school. Yes she was horny when we were dating & before we got married. Re-establishing the connection is hard when she turns me down for any type of date. But if one of her sisters or one of the ladies in her church group invite her to do something....she's all over that and gladly accepts. In another post I mentioned possibly moving out to see if that would wake her up ....but the overall response I got was that it wouldn't work. People have emotional affairs, she doesn't need to leave the house in this day and age of computers, cell phones, cell phones with internet access. Are you sure she is going out with girlfriends? If she truely isn't having an emotional or physical affair then clearly there is a problem. You mentioned you don't plan anything on any other days other than the anniversary? Has this been going on for a long time? Do you only offer attention on special days? I'm just asking because she may have emotionally disconnected and then when you do plan something on a special day she has no interest. The only thing I can suggest is to tell her how unhappy you are and that you want to try an work through this together in MC. You have to be prepared for her to say no and it's over though. Or you could try and be more attentive everyday and see if you can get things back on track, but it will be slow and you need to make certain there is no other man involved here, otherwise you are wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 I've got to agree with the concerns that others have mentioned. If she's not emotionally investing in your marriage...and she's spending so much time on the phone and sleeps on the couch, as well as appears to AVOID and DISLIKE your attempts at romantic/emotional connection...odds are really high that she's developing/developed an emotional connection with someone else. Get ahold of her cell phone bill...see if she's texting/calling someone incessantly. See if she's making calls when you're asleep/at work/she's in the restroom. Even if she's not cheating...which seems very likely to me...there's still the huge emotional disconnect. Marriage counseling. Also...try picking up a copy of "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Part of the issue may be in how both you "feel" and "express" your love differently. But I still suspect that there's more to this situation than just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted March 7, 2011 Share Posted March 7, 2011 The way you describe your W sounds like she either a) has a depression, or b) resents you for some reason. Has something happened in your M that she might hate you for, that's hard for her to forgive/forget (like previous As or trust issues, you get the idea)? Resentment can also originate from an A that she's having and she's just projecting her guilt/anxiety/stress and whatnot onto you. Don't be so sure she's NOT being unfaithful. It sure does sound like she's got something going on to some extent. As someone has already mentioned, she doesn't need to leave the house to cheat and to more and more distance herself from you (emotionally and physically - like sleeping on the couch and avoiding anniversaries and shared dinners,...). The sooner you know the cause of her distant, uninterested, standoffish behavior, the more you can do to prevent your M from deteriorating even further. You need all the facts fast. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Flexispy can give you the ability to listen into phone calls even. I never tried it or anything so I can't vouch for it's effectiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Flexispy can give you the ability to listen into phone calls even. I never tried it or anything so I can't vouch for it's effectiveness. Keylogger on the computer... Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 she's not cheating or having an affair... I promise Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 uncool, there is not a single person here who thought that their spouse / significant other would ever be capable of cheating, but here we are. Many of the previous posters are expressing their concerns based on personal experiences. They see a pattern that is all too familiar. You see it too. There is something off about her behavior and it's bothering you. All that the previous posters are suggesting is that you dig a little deeper. Based on my own experiences, your wife certainly has the means and time to engage in an EA. She may not be, but her behavior and her actions toward you do fall into that pattern. I feel for you and your situation, I really do. It easy to assume that you and her will be the exception to the rule, that her behavior is because of something other than another man, but it fits the pattern and is worth investigating. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Weren't you advised not to pursue her? Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 she's not cheating or having an affair... I promise You don't know that for sure, as we don't know if she's cheating or not. But cheaters are very good at deception and like someone said, in this day and age, it is very easy to cheat. The obvious signs are there. The cell phone, sleeping on the couch, no sex, etc. Snoop heavily and discreetly to prove us wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Willful blindness. Sorry my friend but the answer is right there in front of you, your brain won't allow you to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 There is definitely something missing here, perhaps she knows that she can take you for granted. I mean really, she treats you like you don't exist and then you buy her $5000 in furniture. That is a mixed message if ever there was one! Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 There is definitely something missing here, perhaps she knows that she can take you for granted. I mean really, she treats you like you don't exist and then you buy her $5000 in furniture. That is a mixed message if ever there was one! yeah but we needed the couch i see your point and I should try not to reward her for celibacy Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Willful blindness. Sorry my friend but the answer is right there in front of you, your brain won't allow you to see it. Obviously I'm an idiot... so would you care to tell me the answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Why do you keep doing these things for her if she does not appreciate it? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Obviously I'm an idiot... so would you care to tell me the answer? Your answer is probably that your wife is using her phone/computer ect. as a device for escapism, wether it be out of boredom or an addictive personality trait. Something is off here. I would push and push hard here for some marital therapy before you spiral into complete disregard of each other. I hope I can be of help. I think most of the posters here are giving their best to help you. Try to keep an open mind to any possibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I must agree with a lot of the other posters here.Hers seems to be typical wayward spouse behaviour. Is her phone one of these 'smartphones'? because nowadays you can download all types of messenger services like blackberry messenger or msn on to it ,which are excellent tools for cheating as the messages will not show on any phone bill. Link to post Share on other sites
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