What_Next Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Obviously I'm an idiot... so would you care to tell me the answer? That is NOT what I am trying to tell you. NO! NO! Don't be defensive, it'll only take you off course. Why am I telling you this? Why am I really suspicious of cheating? The signs are all there. I know the feelings you are going through, I've been RIGHT THERE! My wife did the exact same thing. My advice, research the 180, and use it. See how she reacts. I don't think we ever really got the answer of how it was in the beginning, was she always withdrawn and/or not affectionate like this or is this new? Do you have access to her cell phone records? If not, get them. Look for texting/phone calls to one number. Yes I am beating on that drum, because you NEED to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 That is NOT what I am trying to tell you. NO! NO! Don't be defensive, it'll only take you off course. Why am I telling you this? Why am I really suspicious of cheating? The signs are all there. I know the feelings you are going through, I've been RIGHT THERE! My wife did the exact same thing. My advice, research the 180, and use it. See how she reacts. I don't think we ever really got the answer of how it was in the beginning, was she always withdrawn and/or not affectionate like this or is this new? Do you have access to her cell phone records? If not, get them. Look for texting/phone calls to one number. Yes I am beating on that drum, because you NEED to hear it. I wasnt being defensive I was being serious. I have access to her phone and the bill and no there's nothing suspicious on it. I know you all think the signs point to that but I really don't think she's cheating... she's not like that. Yes, she's always been withdrawn unaffectionate, this isn't anything new... it's just that it's really bad now and way worse this past year than ever before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Why do you keep doing these things for her if she does not appreciate it? that's a great question that's hard to answer. She's not rude but politely says thanks....there's just nothing more. I suppose I think it will get better or perhaps that I was doing it wrong before and try to do it better the next time (anniversary) Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 Weren't you advised not to pursue her? no the divorce buster phone counselor advised me not to initiate anything physical. So I've been careful not to touch her. So far she seems to really enjoy this. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I wasnt being defensive I was being serious. I have access to her phone and the bill and no there's nothing suspicious on it. I know you all think the signs point to that but I really don't think she's cheating... she's not like that. Yes, she's always been withdrawn unaffectionate, this isn't anything new... it's just that it's really bad now and way worse this past year than ever before. OK, you need to dig deeper. My wife wasn't cheating but I only found that out after lots of digging. Sadly it seems that most aren't so lucky on here. I say, keylogger on computer, look for other signs too. eg she's not giving you sex but dressing sexier, buying lingerie. Anything differernt from normal. You need to rule this out. The way to handle the situation is very different if there is an OM involved. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Why do you keep doing these things for her if she does not appreciate it? Yep, the woman has lost respect for you, without that there can be no love. Running after her like a lovesick puppy will repel her even more. Be friendly but start getting your own life, make new friends, new hobbies. Don't be rude or nasty to your wife, act happy, even if you are breaking inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Do a search on the "180 method". Instead of pursuing her...pull away from her instead. It might seem counterintuitive, but it often works. So here's my question for you... You're convinced that its entirely impossible that she's cheating on you, when the majority of posters offering advice to you agree that it's the most likely reason she's behaving the way that she is. Why do YOU think she's acting the way she is? What's your thoughts/ideas on why she's doing what she's doing? You know her...we don't. Why do you think she's treating you this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I had a major breakthrough today. I cornered my wife in to talking with me for about 20 seconds. I made her acknowledge that she blows me off on anniversaries and she said it was because she felt pressured to have have sex afterwards... so she was fighting everything that had to do with anything that would lead up to that. I didn't think I was pressuring her for sex. I told her I was sorry she felt that way and how I just wanted to celebrate our marriage. she just rolled her eyes and said "whatever". I mean I do get a little horny after months of not even a hug or a kiss and sometimes embarrassing erections happen when I don't want them to.... i think she gets turned off when she notices that especially in the mornings. I told her about a book I was reading "the sex starved marriage" by Michell weiner Davis... and how it was written for both me and her and that it would mean a lot to me if she would read it. She said she would (i know her well enough that she probably won't just because i asked her to) so I guess we'll see... I'm hold high hopes that she actually does. here's some of what's in the book: http://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_sex_starved_marriage.htm Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I had a major breakthrough today. I cornered my wife in to talking with me for about 20 seconds. :confused: I read the rest of your post, but I'm still not sure about your indicators of success. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Brother- if she doesn't understand that we get erections without our control... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 What does your wife value? Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I had a major breakthrough today. I cornered my wife in to talking with me for about 20 seconds. I made her acknowledge that she blows me off on anniversaries and she said it was because she felt pressured to have have sex afterwards... so she was fighting everything that had to do with anything that would lead up to that. I didn't think I was pressuring her for sex. I told her I was sorry she felt that way and how I just wanted to celebrate our marriage. she just rolled her eyes and said "whatever". I mean I do get a little horny after months of not even a hug or a kiss and sometimes embarrassing erections happen when I don't want them to.... i think she gets turned off when she notices that especially in the mornings. I told her about a book I was reading "the sex starved marriage" by Michell weiner Davis... and how it was written for both me and her and that it would mean a lot to me if she would read it. She said she would (i know her well enough that she probably won't just because i asked her to) so I guess we'll see... I'm hold high hopes that she actually does. here's some of what's in the book: http://www.divorcebusting.com/sb_sex_starved_marriage.htm You need to change the situation. Do a 180 or snoop or something. You can't live like this. She's cheating. Your situation spells Affair all over it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I read back to some of your older posts.. Is it possible how she feels about sex in general, her views of it has changed and overall is affecting her? Resentment? Even though it's not your fault, she still isn't over it? Look, you're a good guy. You love your wife and treat her incredibly well. You're romantic, fun loving, kind, and giving. Unfortunaely your wife isn't appreciating this and isn't responding to it. Sadly, its' a waste of your energy, and your love to pour it into someone who is unrespnsivie most of the time. She's changed inside, whether or not she can or wants to fix things, is up to her. If she is unhappy, and not willing to be a wife, be a friend, be a lover to you, and is happy enough with the "roommate" dynamic, that's not healthy in the long run and it will ruin your marriage as time goes on. Is she willing to do counselling? On her own and with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 :confused: I read the rest of your post, but I'm still not sure about your indicators of success. successful because that's the most she's talked about us in 2 years Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 What does your wife value? not sure... probably the kids and the ladies at our church and her sisters and the TV and her cell phone Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 You need to change the situation. Do a 180 or snoop or something. You can't live like this. She's cheating. Your situation spells Affair all over it. already snooped... she's not cheating on me or having an affair. I know where she is almost all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 not sure... probably the kids and the ladies at our church and her sisters and the TV and her cell phone Encourage or remove one of the things she values. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 You know what? Say this, "I am not talking about the sex or whatever else you might think that I am trying to get from you, but I am just so ****ing lonely. Can't we have some kind of connection other then living in the same house?" If she rages, and she probably will because she probably gave up on whatever the Hell it was a looonngg time ago and resents that you are even trying to have a relationship with her, find out what the He'll it is really about, from her. If she tells you a list of ways that you do have a connection, try not to reject it, but ask for one small change. One teeny tiny change. If she just says "no, I don't really care about it and blah blah blah." that's when you start to pull the plug on stuff. Separate finances, make arrangements etc. It may just be her testing you to see if you'll make a move. Don't consider it over yet. You've been plugging away for months at this.... Don't even take the "no sex" personally. Like I posted before if she has any kind of limbic issue, she is going to want to screw about as much as she wants to do laundry. Question: any sexual abuse or whatever in her own personal history? Maybe the incident struck a deep deep chord with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 I read back to some of your older posts.. Is it possible how she feels about sex in general, her views of it has changed and overall is affecting her? dont know Resentment? oh i'm sure Even though it's not your fault, she still isn't over it? yep Look, you're a good guy. You love your wife and treat her incredibly well. You're romantic, fun loving, kind, and giving. Unfortunaely your wife isn't appreciating this and isn't responding to it. Sadly, its' a waste of your energy, and your love to pour it into someone who is unrespnsivie most of the time. If she is unhappy, and not willing to be a wife, be a friend, be a lover to you, and is happy enough with the "roommate" dynamic, that's not healthy in the long run and it will ruin your marriage as time goes on. yup Is she willing to do counselling? I'm not sure... I thought I'd see if she'll read the book or not. On her own and with you? yes a few months ago she went to a relationship counselor, I have no idea what was talked about or what transpired ... things were really bad when she went ...she'd glare at me with daggers in her eyes and she wouldn't get within a 10ft radius of me.... it was obvious the 2 of them were talking beef about me... then she quit going after 3 sessions yeah I know it's time to leave her. I just want to try everything first to see if there's a magic recipe Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 You know what? Say this, "I am not talking about the sex or whatever else you might think that I am trying to get from you, but I am just so ****ing lonely. Can't we have some kind of connection other then living in the same house?" great idea thanks... i'm looking for some good 1-2 liners to sneak in before she walks off ... find out what the He'll it is really about, from her. that would be nice If she tells you a list of ways that you do have a connection, try not to reject it, but ask for one small change. One teeny tiny change. ? Don't even take the "no sex" personally. Like I posted before if she has any kind of limbic issue, she is going to want to screw about as much as she wants to do laundry. limbic? Question: any sexual abuse or whatever in her own personal history? Maybe the incident struck a deep deep chord with her nothing that I know of but who knows... she's a very private person thanks for your support... I've been following your issues also and I hope your husband dumps his porn for you.. ( I would !!) (I'd dump porn for a wife who wants me any day) Link to post Share on other sites
Newwaveofgoodtidings Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Wrong wrong thread Edited March 10, 2011 by Newwaveofgoodtidings Wrong thread Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 I am not saying that you haven't tried. Write it on the living room wall if needed. Limbic refers to brain function. I posted earlier that some women verging on a depression lose their sex drives because their limbic system runs too "hot" thus quelling the area responsible for sexual drivers. ( and if your wife is doing phone and tv/computer stuff as often as you claim, it really really wouldn't surprise me if she was depressed in some way and uses it to check out, I know I do.) There honestly sounds like a mental issue is she can be just so so so chilled out to you. At the very least she is heavily, heavily conflict-avoidant and us going to look at any attempt to get close to her as you trying to "win." Thank you for your well-wishes. You are familiar with our belief system's view of marriage, and I follow it to the letter. I will settle for being happy, chips fall where they may. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Then it's time to lay it all out on the line once and for all. Be honest, be firm, don't waver. Tell her how you feel and why, that you're fed up and yes, you do love her and have tried your best to do everything possible to make her happy but she isn't meeting you (not even close) half way. One outcome: She wakes the F up and realizes how much work she has to do to make your marriage better, to reconnect with you again and for her to get help and work through things that are affecting her. Another outcome: Divorce happens. Or a separation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 Then it's time to lay it all out on the line once and for all. Be honest, be firm, don't waver. Tell her how you feel and why, that you're fed up and yes, you do love her and have tried your best to do everything possible to make her happy but she isn't meeting you (not even close) half way. One outcome: She wakes the F up and realizes how much work she has to do to make your marriage better, to reconnect with you again and for her to get help and work through things that are affecting her. Another outcome: Divorce happens. Or a separation. pretty much sums it up awesome post thank you Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 pretty much sums it up awesome post thank you You're welcome. I do have to say, I can feel your frustration through your words. You work your ass off in everyway and she's poop-pooing all the effort and love you've put out there. IF there's a chance to save the marriage and she's willing, try it. Give it your best, for the kids sake. If it doesn't work, either way, if she's not willing to try, atleast you'll know YOU tried everything. This wake up call IS going to be brutal for her, a big reality check. she thinks you are just going to go along with how things have been, and go on like this forever. Time to sh.it or get off the pot, so to speak. People don't change unless they have to. Let's hope this fire under her ass WILL change her, one way or another. Link to post Share on other sites
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