Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 Tell her how you feel and why yeah this will be interesting since in the past she usually won't just sit and listen to me ...if I ever bring up our relationship. She'll get up and leave the room or if she's in bed... she just fakes like she's a sleep. So last time I wrote her a letter since she didn't want to talk. 2 days later I found it in the nightstand "unopened"... so i don't think she even ever read it. She usually says something like "I don't have to just sit here take this rag session you're unleashing on me" and walks off. so if this scenario happens yet again (which I think it will) this will be my que to pack up my crap & leave Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 ]yeah this will be interesting since in the past she usually won't just sit and listen to me ...if I ever bring up our relationship. She'll get up and leave the room or if she's in bed... [/b]she just fakes like she's a sleep. So last time I wrote her a letter since she didn't want to talk. 2 days later I found it in the nightstand "unopened"... so i don't think she even ever read it. She usually says something like "I don't have to just sit here take this rag session you're unleashing on me" and walks off. so if this scenario happens yet again (which I think it will) this will be my que to pack up my crap & leave Part I bolded, that is so goddam rude and disrespectful and immature. Like a child who won't listen to their parents. She has major miscommunication skills as well as listening skills. WTF! Does she not realize that marriage is work? It isn't just go on and say nothing, never talk, never listen, never work together to make things good? She sounds depressed too, like she doesn't give a crap about much in life. It's sad actually. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 She's also got some control issues. She realizes that if she starts talking about your relationship or reading any letters, then SHE has to face the ugly truth about her own culpability. My wife was the same way; she dismissed any heartfelt entreaty as "drama", while she did nothing except withdraw. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 She's also got some control issues. She realizes that if she starts talking about your relationship or reading any letters, then SHE has to face the ugly truth about her own culpability. My wife was the same way; she dismissed any heartfelt entreaty as "drama", while she did nothing except withdraw. This is true. A family friend of ours is going through something similar and his wife refuses to go to counselling, refuses to talk about her issues or fix herself. Weird thing is, they get along so well and truly are good friends, have fun together, still have sex too, so it is very odd that the problems can't be fixed. One would never know there are falling apart. Guess that old saying, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Uncool, I just read over your OP on the other older thread, I remember reading it back then now. Guys, his wife is not having an affair I don't think. It's not my place to restate the orginal post but from what you said there Uncool, her behaviour is calculated to punish you, unjustly, but non the less. When does the youngest come of age and leave the home by the way? Just wondering how much longer she is planning on punishing you for something beyond your control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 When does the youngest come of age and leave the home by the way? Just wondering how much longer she is planning on punishing you for something beyond your control. that would be in about 11 more years Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 that would be in about 11 more years OK, so lets get this right then, she is mad at you, unfairly so and so she is behaving passive-aggressively towards you. She won't even speak to you? About anything? Is that correct? She's been doing this for about a year? If that is correct then personally I think you have tried to be reasonable and understanding for long enough. If she will not meet you half way and at least try to work on your relationship then I think perhaps you would be happier if you pulled the plug. As sad as that is, we can only control our own behaviour, you have been more than aminable with her and she refuses to acknowledge it, I mean, she won't even fight with you, sometimes even a fight can help clear the air and move towards bridging a gap between you. Honestly, it comes down to this...do you love and respect yourself enough to walk away? I know you love her but really what more can you do? One thing I never do is advocate someone leaving a marriage, I don't beleive in divorce, sometimes though divorce is warranted, adultery and abandonment, emotional abuse, physical abuse ARE abandonment. Your wife is emotionally abusing you. There are plenty of women out there looking for a decent guy and even if you spend some time by yourself, you will still be much happier in the long run. No one can tolerate this behaviour for 11 years and nor should you have to. Sometimes you have to show the other person by your actions, not your words, that you care enough for yourself not to treated badly. Terrible situation, particularly as children are involved, but that just goes to show the level of her irrationality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 OK, so lets get this right then, she is mad at you, unfairly so and so she is behaving passive-aggressively towards you. She won't even speak to you? About anything? Is that correct? She's been doing this for about a year? sort of... oh she'll speak to me about anything other than "us". She'll talk my head off about the kids, her family, our church, home improvement projects, her favorite sports teams etc. but we're not allowed to talk about our relationship.... she shuts right down. And no she's been doing this for many years... it's just gotten way worse this past year to where I can't tolerate it ...do you love and respect yourself enough to walk away? yes I'm getting ready to. A few months ago I went and looked at apartments and have a couple all lined up and ready to go. No one can tolerate this behaviour for 11 years and nor should you have to. what i needed to hear thanks Sometimes you have to show the other person by your actions, not your words exactly Terrible situation, particularly as children are involved thats why i'm still here your post was well put thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 So she will discuss things and behave nicely and normally towards you in general, but when you want to discuss sex she shuts down? Is it the fact that she will not have sex with you that is bothering you or is it more than that? I'm just trying to get a picture of what is going on becasue intially I got the impression she would not talk to you at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Linda9999 Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I feel so sad for you. Your wife's behaviour is unconscionable. I hope you find your path to happiness soon. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I think you should write her a very pointed letter, basically telling her that it feels like your marriage is nearly dead (not just the lack of sex, but the lack of any kind of spiritual, emotional or physical connection), and that you want more than anything to fix it. Give her a couple of days to read it. If she doesn't read it, ask her to do so. If she refuses to, or if she reads it and then rages at you or refuses to talk, I think you only have one option left. And that is to talk to a lawyer. Because you can't keep living the way you are. Understand that, at any stage of the above, she may blame you, point out your shortcomings, etc. That's the point at which you need to stand firm, and proceed. From what you've written, it sounds like you've done pretty much everything you can do to make her interested in reconnecting with you. That doesn't mean she'll perceive it the same way. Best of luck man... Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 I think you should write her a very pointed letter, basically telling her that it feels like your marriage is nearly dead (not just the lack of sex, but the lack of any kind of spiritual, emotional or physical connection), and that you want more than anything to fix it. Give her a couple of days to read it. If she doesn't read it, ask her to do so. If she refuses to, or if she reads it and then rages at you or refuses to talk, I think you only have one option left. And that is to talk to a lawyer. Because you can't keep living the way you are. Understand that, at any stage of the above, she may blame you, point out your shortcomings, etc. That's the point at which you need to stand firm, and proceed. From what you've written, it sounds like you've done pretty much everything you can do to make her interested in reconnecting with you. That doesn't mean she'll perceive it the same way. Best of luck man... I think this is excellent advice, although I think you mentioned you wrote her a letter once before and she didn't read it? Anyway, as long as you make it point blank clear that she either tries to communicate with you and fix things or the alternative is that you will leave her, then you can do no more. Just be very clear though, some spouses do not hear it unless you spell it out, literally. Just be sure you are prepared to follow though, don't do this if you are just trying to "wake her up". Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 So she will discuss things and behave nicely and normally towards you in general yes but when you want to discuss sex she shuts down? yeah but not just sex... but anything that has to do with us as a couple or our marriage in general... especially sex Is it the fact that she will not have sex with you that is bothering you or is it more than that? it's both, but mostly because I wan't a bond or connection with my wife. It's hard to be attracted to somebody who isn't attracted to you back. As far as the no-sex goes; it's hard because she's very attractive with a great petite body so it's hard knowing that i'm not allowed to touch or look at her She won't even go out with me on a simple date. If I ask her and pressured her she might grudgingly go and complain the whole time as if I just asked her to clean somebody else's toilet. I had a bunch of friends invite me out to play some mini golf & dinner a few weeks ago. I just left and went w/out even inviting my wife because I knew she'd fight it and reject it. Sow why bother? I was the only person out of 15 who didn't have their wife with them. I felt like a spare tire and it was awkward but I at least had fun getting out. I jokingly asked them to set me up w/a date next time. Some of the ladies who went were my wifes good friends. They asked where she was and I said home watching TV... i think that caught them off guard because nobody has any idea our marriage sucks. I actually got excited thinking that it would make my wife look dumb in front of her friends secretly hoping they'd say something. I get home late and she doesn't ask where I've been. She's just sleeping on the couch like she always does on weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I think you should write her a very pointed letter, basically telling her that it feels like your marriage is nearly dead (not just the lack of sex, but the lack of any kind of spiritual, emotional or physical connection), and that you want more than anything to fix it. Give her a couple of days to read it. I have several versions of this letter already drafted up over the last year and ready to go. I just need to choose one and give it to her. I have them all filed in the order of "niceness" and "totally pissed off" Just when I'm about to give her one she always seems to do something nice for me like wash my clothes or cook me a meal... then I back off and feel like an ass. Best of luck man... thanks dude ! I appreciate your posts Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 I get home late and she doesn't ask where I've been. She's just sleeping on the couch like she always does on weekends. She is depressed and lost her zest not only for you, but for LIFE. She's wasting away, doing nothing. Excluding you, her friends....Everything. You should tell one of her friends to call her. No need to go into details, just tell one of her friends 'please call and take her out, even if just for an hour to shop or go for a bite to eat.' I'm sure they will figure out that she's depressed. Anyway, sooner or later your wife is going to have to change her ways. with or without you. It's sad actually because she isn't getting what she should be out of life, out of your marriage. She's not well.. Link to post Share on other sites
highviolet Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 OP, reading through your older post, I really think your wife needs serious therapy to get over the trauma that happened in your family, she's obviously not over it and is treating you unfairly because of it. If I were you I would tell her that I was leaving unless she gets help and deals with her issues and stops blaming you. Link to post Share on other sites
Newwaveofgoodtidings Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Have you Or her done or suggested EMDR therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) Have you Or her done or suggested EMDR therapy? No, I just googled it and it looks cool Since she's so stubborn she won't do anything she feels she "has" to do...i.e. anything I ask her to do. She says she'll do stuff for me and then doesn't do it just to avoid conflict for the moment Edited March 14, 2011 by uncool Link to post Share on other sites
Author uncool Posted April 26, 2011 Author Share Posted April 26, 2011 (edited) ok so some time has gone by. Our local church leader does some counseling and has a great relationship w/my wife and somehow got her to agree to a meeting with us three because she couldn't confront me on her own. Ok fine whatever. He got her to tell me to my face why she resented me all these years. The resentment was that she overheard me talking to my parents one day on the phone about my marriage & felt it was none of their business. This was 13years ago!! ...so it wasnt just because of the abuse issue I discussed in my first post... it was something else!. OK so Because I can't remember that "phone" incident I asked her what it was that I said to them on the phone that offended her.... she said that she couldn't remember ... but that she felt it was none of their business & just pissed her off. I mean how hard would it have been to get pissed off at me back then so I'd at least know? So supposedly our lack of a husband/wife relationship all these years and sexless marriage has been because of that incident. She couldnt let it go or have the ability to approach me about it. If she wants her husband to be a certain way or to stop doing something that bothers her or turns her off.... shouldn't she let him know? so he can be the type of guy she desires ??? I'm a changeable type of man. I'll do things for people who I love. I'll apologize and make amends. I'll admit I'm a jerk. I'll repent. I'll stop. I'll change. I'm mouldable!! I get hints easily...I just have to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The fact that she's with held sex from me for the past 13years has been a punishment for what I did sort of blows me away. She also said she's so agry at me reliving the incident in her head that she's been trying "push me out" all this time but that I won't go. I don't know if this meant she was waiting for me to leave & divorce her or what. I'm naturally pissed off that I'm just finding out about this now after all these years.. .but I decided to be a man about it and let her vent during this therapy session. It was for her to vent to me... I knew that going in to it... so I just shut my mouth even though I wanted to scream. So I put my man hat on and apologized to her right there on the spot for the parents/phone call incident and told her it wouldn't happen again. Our church leader/counselor later told me she has some sort of condition where she imposes the "one strike & you're out" rule to some people if they offend her. And that he's working with her to explain Christ's atonement and the forgiveness process. So a couple nights later we made passionate love when we both woke up in the middle of the night for now apparent reason. (keep in mind it had been months without nothing) I thought things were on the mend... but that was a few weeks ago and she's since put me back in the "freezer" again. She's back to her old ways of avoiding me again. sneaking to bed while I'm helping the kids w/homework or watching tv.. .then pretending she's a sleep if i walk in the bedroom. So I'm again avoiding any physical contact with her to let her know im not trying to get any. Heaven forbid we have awesome sex again. She slept on the couch last night once she found out I beat her to bed. She's just fighting the "connection" to me again. She knows she has a problem and I love that she actually had the "meeting" with me and communicated ... that was an awesome step forward. Last week she did the old turning her back and walking away from me when she didn't like what I was saying. I confronted her on the spot and told her how rude that behavior was. She looked me in the eye and said "be patient with me... I'm trying". Wow I loved that she actually communicated with me ...like throwing a bucket of water on my flames. I wasnt upset anymore even though I should've been. But it's starting to wear off a little as I see her starting to silently resent me and distance herself again. I'm now convinced that she "isn't all there" in her head. She probably needs a psychiatrist. But she's so stubborn I don't have faith I can get her to one. What would you ladies suggest me to do now if you were my wife? should I just ignore it and be patient and assume she's healing... or should I push her a little & tell her to knock it off? Edited April 26, 2011 by uncool Link to post Share on other sites
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