My GF insists on keeping me a secret from her ex

[dreamwithme]

My GF and I have been together for over a year now. She broke up with her ex-BF of 6 years to be with me. Prior to that she was married for 2 years and has a son, whom the ex-BF helped to raise during their relationship. I am recently divorced.

 

Our relationship has been really, really good...and we've talked many times about the future and the possibility of marriage one day. She's introduced me to her friends, family, and even her ex-husband...and has no issues with me having a relationship with her son. All of this has been really great.

 

But for some reason, she insists on keeping me a secret from her ex-boyfriend. She is a people-pleaser and really is afraid of disappointing or upsetting others. Like I said, she broke up with her ex in order to start a relationship with me. They lived together until she kicked him out in a quite unceremonious way. Basically she found out that he was communicating with a girl with whom he had cheated once in the middle of their 6-year relationship.

 

So she was very strong in getting out of that relationship and she says she is fully committed to our relationship now. But she has a real desire to salvage a friendship out of this ex-boyfriend. To this day, she says that she doesn't want to know if he is dating anyone new and therefore she doesn't want him to know that she is dating me because she knows how upsetting that would be to him...and she feels bad about how she broke up with him.

 

I told her that I understood how a 6-year relationship couldn't just be ended overnight without some element of grieving and that I would try to control my feelings of jealousy and paranoia while she sorts through her emotions regarding the ex. I truly believe her when she tells me that there is no way she would want him back, but I can't help but think that she is in some way leading on the ex. They txt, call, even arrange get togethers for coffee or just to hang out at her place to watch TV (when I'm not there). She doesn't keep any of this a secret from me, and I have no suspicion that anything unsavory is going on. It just bothers me that this sort of charade goes on and she is unwilling to let the ex-boyfriend know that she is in another relationship already.

 

The frequency of their contact has diminished over the last year, but she did just have him over to visit with her son and watch TV. It had been about two months since last meeting with only occasional txting which she is open to me about. But what bothered me even more this time was the effort that she put in to this latest get-together. She went around the house and took down all photos of the two of us and hid them away. It wasn't until yesterday (almost a week later) that she thought to put the photos back up (because I had dropped hints in a joking way).

 

Anyways, long story. Sorry. I guess I'm looking for some empathy from you all...some perspective (am I just too desperate that I'm not confronting her?)...advice?...ideas on how I can encourage her to do away with the secrecy of our relationship. Because I do think that if she let the ex know about us that he would probably not communicate with her as much or want to hangout with her in the short run. What do you all think? Thanks.

[PegNosePete]

she says she is fully committed to our relationship now.

Obviously not if she is not prepared to be honest about it.

 

I truly believe her when she tells me that there is no way she would want him back, but I can't help but think that she is in some way leading on the ex. They txt, call, even arrange get togethers for coffee or just to hang out at her place to watch TV (when I'm not there). She doesn't keep any of this a secret from me, and I have no suspicion that anything unsavory is going on.

Well you better stop believing her, and you better start getting suspicious. This is totally unacceptable behaviour. She is alone in her place with her ex whom she refuses to tell of your existence. What do you think they talk about, exchanging recipes and gardening tips? Come on dude open your eyes. Sorry to say it's very likely they are screwing like rabbits.

 

It just bothers me that this sort of charade goes on and she is unwilling to let the ex-boyfriend know that she is in another relationship already.

Yes, you have to wonder why that is. She is showing that she is a manipulative person quite capable of lying about these things. For me it would certainly be a deal-breaker. Best case scenario she is not over her ex and you are a rebound. Worst case scenario she is simply having an affair... what's not totally clear is whether you are the BF or the OM!

[Eddie Edirol]

Put it this way, the only reason she wouldnt tell the ex about you is because in some way she might want to try again with him. if she is using you as a rebound, or a temp fix, she is lying about everything she is telling you.

 

You might have to make a boundary, and tell her its him or you. She obviously isnt going to stop talking to him by her own means if you are sticking around.

[TigerCub]

Sorry Dream,

 

but this is how I see it:

 

- she didn't leave the exBF to be with you, she left him because he cheated on her before and kept in contact with the girl he cheated with.

 

- You showed up and you were a very convenient rebound (I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh) - but that's what it seems like. Yet you tell yourself that she left him for you.

 

- I understand not wanting to flaunt a new R in an ex's face. But if she's been with you for 1 year or over, there is no reason to be keeping that stuff a secret.

 

- She says that she doesn't want to know if he's seeing someone else - THAT should be very telling for you ... the only time a person would be bothered by info about an ex dating again is when there are still feelings for that ex.

 

If I heard about some of my ex's dating, I wouldn't care less, because I truly don't have feelings for them....

 

I'm sorry that my reply isn't sugar coated and optimistic, but you should think about some of the stuff mentioned above....

 

but then again, that's just my $0.02

 

Good luck

[paleblue]

hmmm, the way you explain it sounds like things are good except that. I have to agree with PegNose Pete and the others. something is really off here. there shouldn’t be an issue with her telling him, look dude ive moved on. I also find it revolting that she has him over still. wtf. that is totally unacceptable. you really should think about standing up for yourself. you know you aren’t happy with this situation. If I was dating someone and they did that to me I would be out the door faster than you can say:

 

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

 

if I had to guess id say she still has feelings for him and you are on your way out the door at some point. I could be wrong but I doubt it. your gf doesn’t sound like she truly respects you to be pulling this crap. all her excuses that she is a people pleaser is crap.

 

pull back. re-evaluate your situation and yourself. set some boundaries and stand up for yourself. you have doormat stamped on your forehead. sorry, not trying to sound mean. but if you dont respect yourself, she isnt going to respect your either.

Edited March 7, 2011 by paleblue

[dreamwithme]

Wow...great responses and advice...I really appreciate all of you! Of course, all of these things I already know and question and probably just keep avoiding in terms of confrontation.

 

I guess the whole reason for me joining this forum and posting is that I am feeling like it's time to set those boundaries and have a constructive discussion with my GF about her ex and what my expectations are in order for our relationship to move forward. You all are providing me with great encouragement to get this addressed once and for all.

 

I really like the statement that I have to respect myself in order for her to respect me. I always suspected that part of what made our relationship work at first was this rebound phenomenon, but that doesn't make my current realization any easier to take.

 

I just need to summon the courage and bite the bullet.

[dreamwithme]

I'm thinking out loud and posting this here so that I can refer back to it...

 

In order for me to keep her, I'm going to need to take a risk in losing her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh totally, you should never allow yourself to be treated like you don't exist.

[Chi townD]

Why do I get the feeling like she's still carrying a torch for this guy?

[paleblue]

In order for me to keep her, I'm going to need to take a risk in losing her.

 

kinda, something like that. you should always respect yourself. you will thank yourself down the road no matter what happens.

 

a lot of us have been thru horrendous things in relationships. im telling you, something is off here. she's hiding something. just trying to save you some pain.

 

good luck.

[deadevelyn]

Please don't allow yourself to be the 2nd choice!! RUN!!!!!

[D-Lish]

Don't accept being a secret.

 

She says she's hiding you because she doesn't want to hurt her ex- this means HIS feelings are taking precedence over yours. In what context can you justify this is okay?

[Spectre]

I'm thinking out loud and posting this here so that I can refer back to it...

 

In order for me to keep her, I'm going to need to take a risk in losing her.

 

You should not have to "keep her" though, after his behavior she should be trying to keep you.

 

She obviously still have feelings for her ex, so she's probably screwing the guy as well. I'd say give her a choice, you both go and confront her ex and tell him you are together..or you dump her. Also, don't give her time to prepare..it's important to see/hear the ex's reaction, this will tell you if she's been cheating. Perhaps confront her and have her call him and confess to him about it and put it on speaker phone, I guarantee you the way he reacts will tell you a lot about what she's been up to.

[spice4life]

Yeah, something is definitely not right with this situation...at all. She is still not over him yet and is keeping her options open just in case it doesn't work out with you. That is a HUGE problem. She will never be able to fully explore a relationship with you until she totally closes the door with her exbf. That means complete NC and nothing less. She is essentially holding onto a safety net and as a result, you will always feel like a fully committed relationship is just out of reach.

 

Honestly, she is doing him a disservice by letting him come around. It's keeping him from moving on and that's not fair to him or you. Definitely put your foot down and set a boundary with her regarding the exbf. There is no logical reason for her not to tell him if they are no longer together.

 

I know this because I've made this mistake before and although I learned a huge painful lesson from it, I totally regret putting a person in that position and I'm not talking about the ex. It was very selfish and immature of me to handle things that way. My ex is out of my life for good and even though he contacts me by text occasionally, I delete and stay complete NC. As for telling my ex, there is no need to because of NC. If I accidentally ran into him in public somewhere (which I haven't) and I would have no problem telling him.