My friend committed suicide

[stefspets]

I rarely post here and it has been a long time since I last did, but I need some words of support and thought this might be a good place to find them.

 

My friend of 8 years shot himself last week. There were a lot of reasons why and even though he took responsibility in his note and knew how much his friends and family cared about him, I am feeling a huge amount of guilt. Everyone else seems to accept that there was nothing they could have done, but in my case I don't really believe that. He wanted to be married with kids already (he was 25), and I could have given him that. Irrational since I am married to someone else but that is what I keep thinking.

 

I am in a huge amount of pain right now. I cried all day yesterday. My husband is trying to be supportive but it doesn't help. I don't know what to do.

 

How can I cope with this and move forward?

[whichwayisup]

I am sorry for your loss. It really hurts when you lose someone you love and care about..

Sadly, when one decides to leave this world, there isn't much anybody can do to stop them. They will find a way somehow.

 

Be around his family, other friends and talk about him, celebrate his life, focus on the loving parts of him. As sad as it is that he's gone, just know he's at peace, he isn't suffering anymore.

 

Get counselling too, to help you cope with this.

 

Don't blame yourself for this. All that guilt you feel -- Focus it into something positive. Maybe involve others and do a charity event in his name, to raise money for awareness of suicide and mental illness. Plant a tree in his name in a Park near by where he lived.

 

Hope this helps.

[pureinheart]

I rarely post here and it has been a long time since I last did, but I need some words of support and thought this might be a good place to find them.

 

My friend of 8 years shot himself last week. There were a lot of reasons why and even though he took responsibility in his note and knew how much his friends and family cared about him, I am feeling a huge amount of guilt. Everyone else seems to accept that there was nothing they could have done, but in my case I don't really believe that. He wanted to be married with kids already (he was 25), and I could have given him that. Irrational since I am married to someone else but that is what I keep thinking.

 

I am in a huge amount of pain right now. I cried all day yesterday. My husband is trying to be supportive but it doesn't help. I don't know what to do.

 

How can I cope with this and move forward?

 

 

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))), Hey my thoughts and prayers are with you and all involved with the lose of your loved one.

 

I will cut directly to the chase. There is nothing anyone could have done. Beating yourself up wondering will not accomplish anything. There are some things that no matter how much in control we'ed like to think we could have had concerning changing a persons life that we are close to, ultimately it's up to them as the outcome.

 

My son recently lost an old gf by way of suicide, he too thought if they would have worked out, that he could have changed her situation.

 

I just hope you are ok....

[desertIslandCactus]

 

How can I cope with this and move forward?

 

Embrace your life and move forward Stef. That's all anyone can do when suffering a loss. Live for those who couldn't stay.

 

A young cousin took his life. No one knew this was going through his mind.. And it's perfectly normal to think: if only I would have known, so I could talk to him, or help to prevent this.

 

Those around us may loose faith in the future - and be hurting badly, but there is no way of knowing how close they may come to ending their lives. A suicide teaches us to be mindful of this.

[stefspets]

I have been trying to talk to friends today to help life my spirits. I think it has helped a little bit.

 

The only thought that gives me any consolation is that we all face difficult times; life never goes exactly the way we plan it, but most of us choose to work through it and get to experience better days. I'm sad that he chose not to do that, but in the end that was his choice.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm so sorry My best friend was suicidal for a long time and it was a nightmare, luckily she didn't do it but it was a horrible time and I dreaded her going ahead with it, I knew I would feel I hadn't done enough if she did it. All I could do was keep telling her I was there for her, and call her mental health team to tell them what she was saying, I don't live near to her and she wouldn't let me go and stay. It is a such a frustrating and stressful situation, I felt responsible for her as I'm her best mate and the pressure from feeling responsible was hard to take. I wasn't responsible of course, no-one is ultimately responsible for someone taking their life, it is their choice, other people may have contributed to the reasons they do it (ie abuse) but they have decided to do it, and some people will not be able to stop themselves doing it no matter how wonderful the support they receive, sometimes it just doesn't get through to them and no amount of support will help

 

I hope you have enough support yourself, and please don't feel there's more you could have done, there really isn't. (((((((hugs))))))

 

I have been trying to talk to friends today to help life my spirits. I think it has helped a little bit.

 

The only thought that gives me any consolation is that we all face difficult times; life never goes exactly the way we plan it, but most of us choose to work through it and get to experience better days. I'm sad that he chose not to do that, but in the end that was his choice.

[Bionic Me]

Perhaps let me rewrite my previous post. There was no reason to flag it, since it was a valid questions maybe wasn't expressed right.

 

I repeat, I am truly sorry for your loss. I have relatives that have taken their own lives. It's hard to cope with. It's just strange that you feel as if you would have been able to give him the things that you have mentioned he wrote on his note and this is creating such a huge load of guilt. This is why I asked if you had more than a friendship with this person. Again, I truly apologize but my intentions were not to get anyone "flag" happy. Perhaps, you can receive added support if you can say a bit more. I was not trying to me insensitive.

[stefspets]

It's just strange that you feel as if you would have been able to give him the things that you have mentioned he wrote on his note and this is creating such a huge load of guilt.

 

FYI, I didn't flag your question before, but I'm tempted to flag it now because it was insensitive and now you are reiterating it.

 

It isn't strange for a person in my position to come up with ideas, however ridiculous, that they feel may have saved their friend/family member, and then feel guilt because of it. I think that this is a pretty normal grief reaction, actually, particularly in cases of suicide.

 

Of course my guilt is not rational and it has eased some in the past few days. I may still need therapy to work through it. But to suggest it is strange, is at least inconsiderate, if not completely inappropriate. It is not in any way supportive of the difficult time I am going through. My grief is my own and I shared honestly what I was feeling when I made the OP.

[paleblue]

im sorry for your loss too. its sad when someone takes their own life, especially when we are close to them. you were a friend to him. you can keep him alive in you and honor him. i have a few friends that have passed on. a couple suicides, a couple that were killed in stupid accidents. i still think about them time to time. even from 20 years ago. i never forget. thats all we can do. my own mother was killed when i was a kid. i will never forget how terribly altering that was and still is 34 years later. i still get a lump in my throat when i look at pictures. yes, things are different, but you just have to carry on. keep your head up and keep looking forward in life. life is precious. try not to let the small stuff get in the way. when things like this happen you start realizing whats important in life. your guilt is your love for him. yes, its sad but ultimately it was his own choice. and you cant be held to that. time and good people around you helps. doing the right thing and feeling good about the things you do in life helps.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

I am really sorry. *hugs*

 

I have been suicidal before, and been in the same place as your friend. I am 28 and have no dating experience, and this has been a source of depression for me.

 

I wish that your friend had talked about it with someone, instead of taking matters into his own hands.

[stefspets]

I shouldn't have to justify myself here, but in case anyone else is confused, this was a friend, never dated, no emotional affair, no "crushes". Thus my statement that my guilt was irrational.

 

His mom told me at the memorial that she thought he'd always liked me. This was the moment I started feeling that guilt, and I can't exactly ask him about it now. So I guess there was a crush but it came to light after his death.

[Bionic Me]

I think you are taking my post out of context or misreading me. I never said that you were out of bound. I said that it was strange in a way and this is why I asked if perhaps you were more than a friend. All you could have said was "no I was not" but I understand that you are in a grieving stage. Anyway, my post is unimportant at this point. Time heals and hope that you find strength to cope and peace in your soul. Be blessed.

[Goldenspoon]

 

His mom told me at the memorial that she thought he'd always liked me. This was the moment I started feeling that guilt, and I can't exactly ask him about it now. So I guess there was a crush but it came to light after his death.

 

Was he friends with your husband?

[stefspets]

Yes, they were friends, though I knew my friend before my husband. He was always very nice to my husband and I never got the feeling he was jealous or anything. If there were any feelings there he hid them well, just as he hid his pain that ultimately led to his death.

 

I'm not going to answer any more questions regarding the specifics of our friendship and whether or not there were any hidden feelings or something inappropriate going on. I've already said there wasn't. Analyzing these details now that my friend is gone serves no therapeutic purpose for me.

[Goldenspoon]

Why did he kill himself? Were his problems really that big?

[hART]

*hugs*

I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. I lost two people who I wasn't nearly as close to and it messed with my head. It takes time & patience to heal. Take some time for yourself and move away from blaming yourself.

Depression is a very misunderstood illness. Think of it the same as any other illness, he was suffering from a disease, he didn't feel comfortable talking about it, so he ended his suffering. He is at peace now. Depression is as much a physical illness as it is a mental one, it has more to do with the person & neuro science and less to do with you. That doesn't make him a bad person, he was in existential pain and couldn't take it anymore.

 

(for people looking for how to deal with a depressed person, meant only as a guide if you know another person afflicted by this terrible disease)

All I did when my good friend felt this way was just be there. I kept in contact and kept him on the phone as long as I could when he made that call and called the ambulance when I had to. Ideally I could have left food on the porch or bugged him more, but any show of caring, even if they don't respond, means everything. Just being his friend meant the world to him and in no way did he want to hurt you or make you feel bad.

I'm very sorry this happened to you, all you can do now is feel better and eventually help other people feel better.

[Eddie Edirol]

You dont have to feel guilt if he had problems and didnt ask you for help. Theres nothing you can do when you have no idea. That means he had too much pride to tell you his problems even if you asked him if anything was wrong. He had to reach out to you for suggestions to his problems whatever they were.

 

For instance, if he had come to you about trouble with women or relationships, you probably would have given him your advise, and anything that you couldnt tell him you would probably have directed him here. Im sure this site has helped plenty of people from sitting home wondering with no idea how to fix their issues, or how to get out of depressions. But if he didnt tell you, you cant know. If you did know what his issues were and you could have helped him and didnt, Im sure you had a good reason.

[stefspets]

Thanks to those who posted supportive comments and some of your own experiences. I have been feeling a little better. While I miss my friend, I think I have at least accepted that he must have been ill to go through with such a thing. Emotionally healthy people don't just decide to kill themselves when life is not going as planned.

 

I never knew anything was wrong because he always seemed very happy; this was just the type of person he was. I doubt he would have told me even if I asked, but why would I when everything seemed ok?

[Eddie Edirol]

I never knew anything was wrong because he always seemed very happy; this was just the type of person he was. I doubt he would have told me even if I asked, but why would I when everything seemed ok?

 

EXACTLY! Some people act happy to keep people from helping them, maybe they feel they dont want to talk to people if they think the solution wont come from their friends. Before i came to LS, no one knew the real answer to any relationship questions that made sense. Friends are completely useless because they also dont know what to do for themselves, or they are afraid to tell the real truth, so you never get any real answers. Maybe he tried to find the answers online, maybe he didnt.

 

Not only that, but people act happy cuz friends dont want to hang around depressed people. When someone doesnt want to hear the solution it brings everything down. When someone doesnt have the experience to understand the right solution that is told to them, they want to do what feels better. It happens on this board constantly, What canya do?

 

Bottom line is people will help themselves when they want to, and will search out for some kind of help when they really want a solution, thus, theres nothing you can do.

 

We just found out a few years ago that Apple used child labor to make its products. We never knew that until someone else pointed it out, but if Apple, or China doesnt want it to stop, you can only do so much.

[PeachyPink]

Have you considered grief counseling? Please look into it.

[HeavenOrHell]

Deeply depressed people can be VERY good at hiding how they feel, I have 3 friends who have overdosed or had breakdowns, and they are the most apparently confident, together, capable, cheerful people you could imagine.

No you wouldn't ask someone if they are ok if they seem happy.

Yes he would have been ill to have gone that far, too far for anyone to reach him

I am glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, just try to be kind to yourself, you're obviously a very caring and thoughtful friend.

 

 

Thanks to those who posted supportive comments and some of your own experiences. I have been feeling a little better. While I miss my friend, I think I have at least accepted that he must have been ill to go through with such a thing. Emotionally healthy people don't just decide to kill themselves when life is not going as planned.

 

I never knew anything was wrong because he always seemed very happy; this was just the type of person he was. I doubt he would have told me even if I asked, but why would I when everything seemed ok?

[hART]

I agree, my friends would tell me how happy I was. I'd go home and cry to my boyfriend, then write how miserable life was. Of course I'm bipolar, so I spring back fairly quickly. Within bipolar there is something called a mixed state, where the afflicted is both depressed and manic.