The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Me and me BF have been together a year but he says he's not in love with me He says he loves me so much and IM the most important person in his life. But he will not know if he's INLOVE with me until we move in and it takes time. We are moving in later this year and he's very excited about it. IM just a bit worried! , should he not be in love with me THEN move in? .....when I ask him he says no person is the same. And we will see how it goes. But he hopes he can spend the rest of his life with me but he just cannot promise that to me when we have not lived together first. Maybe IM worrying to much. Someone tell me if IM being a dork or not.......please? One other thing. He had a previous gf before two years ago who he admitted he was madly in love with. He only dated her for three months. And they never lived together. But they planed it. But then she left him and never really read why. Does this mean hes more wary or im just not the one? Link to post Share on other sites
Author The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 sorry i ment his last gf left him just before they where due to move in and never told him why. Bad typing today! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Sounds like he was hurt and is being careful. If living together before making a formal commitment or proclamation of love goes against your own personal morals, then don't do it. Date for a couple of years first until he is sure and comfortable. He says he hopes he can spend the rest of his life with you. That puts up a red flag to my mind. How are you going to feel after a year of living together and he decides he can't or does not want to spend the rest of his life with you because he still isn't 'in love' with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 Yes this is one thing im worried about. That why I think we should wait untill he knows im the one before geting a house and making that commetment. I think moving in together is a huge thing to do! I have asked him about this. He said that he sees falling inlove as a far bigger deal then movin in or geting married he says its the bigest thing that can ever happen to anyone. He also says if he does not work out then he will always want me in his life as a freind he loves and respects. In the mean time, im holding back on my feelings for him to give me the green light. We are get hurt but is this taking it a bit to far? or am i pushing to much? We are so Happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 Yes this is one thing im worried about. I have asked him about this. He said that he sees falling inlove as a far bigger deal then movin in or geting married. he says its the bigest thing that can ever happen to anyone and it takes time. In the mean time, im holding back on my feelings for him to give me the green light. We all get hurt in the past...... but is this taking it a bit to far? or am i pushing to much? I do not like to bring it up to much with him because it hurts me everytime he tells me hes not in love with me. I feel like in some way its my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 is he holding off telling you he loves you until he has your new front door locked behind you so you cant run like his last gf?? is this too obvious and transparent? it seems like a crazy tactic to me but it seems crazy to move in with someone you say you want to spend your life with before you even know if you love them. Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Personally I think that is a bunch of B.S. He hopes he will fall in love with you? What if a year later if you move in, he still isn't sure? How long are you going to give him until he knows? If you move in, he has you when he wants but he doesn't have to commit to you in anyway. If you have any hesitations about moving in, don't. If he was in love with you, he would know it and not have these hesitations. He would also respect your decision to move in once some sort of committment has been made. I would continue seeing him but not move in and seriously consider how much time you are going to wait for something that may never happen. I think after a year you should have a pretty good idea about how you feel towards someone. Oh, why is he already thinking about a friendship with you if it doesn't work out. That seems a little premature. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=blue][/color] I can't believe anyone would want to move in with someone unless they were IN LOVE with them! You can love someone in many ways...as a friend, family member, whatever but if this guy has been with you a year and says he doesn't know if he is "in love" with you..I think that is a big red flag! I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds to me like he may be using "I won't know if I am in love with you until we live together" as an excuse not to answer you straight out. I know it takes time to fall in love with someone but a year is plenty time enough....YES he should be in love with you BEFORE you 2 move into together!!!! Living together is a huge step....you should be able to communicate really well and be sure of your feelings before trying to create a household together! Anyway that's my POV... Link to post Share on other sites
Author The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 Yes I agree. He should know by now if hes in love with me. But then I must admit that I do not blame him for wanting to take it slow after what he went thru before. He is commited, hes faithful and hes crazy about me, I know he loves me but maybe you guys have a point, hes just holding out on telling me the truth. He once did tell me that hes scared to fall head over heels because once he let himself go before and it all went wrong. He sees me moving in with him as a big sighnof my commiment and I think more then anything he needs that to be able to let go in love. Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Even though he fell in love with someone 2 years ago, it doesn;t matter. He should be very over it. He is just giving you excuses. It's crap. Sorry to be so blunt. But we have all had serious relationship where we fell in love and for alot longer than 3 months. you get over it and you move on. If you both want to go slow, Don't move in. You can still maintain and progress your relationship without moving in. I still wonder how long you are going to wait until he knows. What if one year from now he still doesn't know? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I personally wouldn't want to move in with someone who wasn't SURE if they were in love with me. It's too much of a financial and emotional committment to make if 6 mo's down the road he decided he didn't. THEN, it would feel more like a divorce than a break-up. Just follow your heart on it though. Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I agree with Arabess. Moving in is kind of a big commitment to make with someone who isn't even sure they are in love with you. You're going to being pooling your resources and giving up the independance of having your own space. I wouldn't want to do that with someone unless I was sure we were in love with each other. But then again, I don't know this man. Perhaps he is just scared and wants to make sure you are committed before admitting his feelings? At any rate, definitely take some more time to talk to him about it if you are unsure about a decision. At the very least, if you are going to do this, you need to be sure you are making the right decision for YOURSELF. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 his last girlfriend left him right before she was supposed to move in mabye he told her he couldn't love her untill she moved in marriage after living together, i can see, waiting to check for compatability, worked for me. but.................he cant say if he loves you or not. weird, does he just want a roomate? if he cant love you yet i would ask for separate bedrooms and dating others. i am not a game player..... but, i found that if you tell him that you wont move in with someone that isn't sure if their inlove with you, they will suddenly have to decide if they want to open up and admitt they love you, or allow you to move on to someone who is more able to give you that love. you play your card he has to bet. i watch too much poker on tv Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I can see living with someone if you love them and want to share your lives as much as possible, or living with someone you love before you decide to possibly progress to marriage. Using co-habitation as a test to see if love will happen seems rather like getting engaged to see whether love will occur--too big of a step for either person when there isn't enough commitment. If you don't feel comfortable with the thought of living with him, be honest and tell him you don't think living together is necessary for you both to develop love for eachother. Time is more important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author The flower girl Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 Thank you so much ever one, this has been really help ful. Im going to talk to him tonight about this and try and get some kind of sence for him. I will of course come back and give you all an update about it! there is one other thing though that might make this make more sence. He lives 200 miles away, so we only get to see eachother at weekends, and we both live with others! - so get no real time alone. The only time we got to spend alot of time together was on holiday and that was perfect but of course thats a holiday and not the real world. This is one reason why he wants to live together, to see how we get on when alone! And I have to admit Im also intreasted in that part! yes its such a big thing Im so glad now im going to chat to him about this as I thought I was being a dork but now I can see I must talk to him! and yes we must certanly will rent a house and not buy a house, we are both in total agreement about that one! Link to post Share on other sites
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