Really lonely have no friends

[bluemiss]

I live in a small town and have been here two years now and have no friends. I don't work and have two young children. I thought that things would be different this year with my son starting kinder and I managed to get myself on the kindergarten committee. Trouble is this town everyone has their groups and I'm finding it hard to break into that!

 

I suffered from anxiety when I was a child and into my mid twenties (I'm 32 now) I was bullied at school and my parents didn't seem to really care they said it would pass but the being bullied had a lasting affect on me. I did have a job here for a few months but when drinks night was organised I was never invited and I cannot figure out why.

 

I thought I was doing all the right things I was being careful about what I said and was nice to people, smiled asked about their weekend etc and still nothing. They had my number but never called me. I would call but they were always busy. I'm starting to think that there is something wrong with me. I'm going through a rough time atm but know better than to start telling people I have just met about it. My situation is that I am single but still living with the ex and have just recently decided to have no contact with my parents or sister (long story that one!)

 

Even with the kindergarten I haven't talked to anyone. At pickup and dropoff all the people who know each other are chatting and I'll smile and say hello but I'm to scared to say or do anything else for fear of rejection. I have a meeting tonight and I'm already scared about what I'm going to say or how I will try to fit in as I'm the outsider.

[LoganParker]

Hi Bluemiss,

 

Im sorry about your struggles. I used to suffer from bullying a lot when I was younger, and I reckon that I got over that, so I'll try to impart some wisdom to help you with your situation.

 

A lot of people will say "just be yourself".

 

I don't think this is necessarily good advice. If "yourself" is not someone you like. If that person is not strong, is not happy, is not capable of being assertive when you need to be, then don't be yourself. That's a bad idea.

 

The best advice I can give you in a nutshell is, I think you need to discover who you are. Start on a journey to become a person who has gotten over her old demons, and come into a place of real self esteem. Once you've gotten to that point, be yourself, and don't let anyone stop you from being you.

 

Then you will find that making friends will be much easier.

[Jade_Pisces]

All I can say is be yourself and keep your head up.

 

I think if you worked, you would be able to form some relationships.

 

Probably try a cooking class, or something else similar , where you can meet people. I think the key to making genuine long lasting friendships are similar interests and just being genuine, caring and understanding.

 

Don't worry, it will come. Stop thinking about it and it will just happen.

 

 

[Green_eyes]

Jade_Pisces offers good advice. Be yourself! LoganParker also offers good advice. Find yourself!

 

Don't think of yourself as an outsider because you aren't - you have a child at the Kindergarten just like all the other parents do.

 

Once your little guy makes friends then he will probably want to go and play with them after Kindy - that is an opportunity to meet other parents. I know from experience that some of them you will get on well with, and others you will think "Oh, my..."

 

Just as an aside, if your Son had been at the Kindergarten mine was at, they'd have bitten your hand off if you'd have volunteered to be on the committee! I can still remember the deathly silences when they asked for volunteers

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS

 

IME, friendships revolve around shared interests and compatible friendship 'styles', so my advice would be to continue to develop interests which you have passion for and continue your path of 'being a friend'. Eventually, you will meet people with whom you have such compatibility and they will view you as an asset in their lives.

 

If you feel your past dynamics are inhibiting your ability to form healthy relationships, get professional help for that. No harm in embracing new and different perspectives. Sometimes different vision leads to different results.

 

As I have a number of friends downunder and always have found Aussies to be a friendly sort, I'm sure you'll meet with success soon. Good luck

[LuckyLady13]

Hi, Bluemiss. I spotted something right away when reading your original post:

 

 

...and I'll smile and say hello but I'm to scared to say or do anything else for fear...

 

 

So far, you're letting fear of rejection rule your life. You're allowing it to keep you from getting involved and having a sense of belonging. You're craving that sense of belonging so you're going to have to put a stop to your fear holding you back from what you want.

 

 

We all get rejected in life at one time or another and that's part of life. There's nothing wrong with it. What really is the worst thing that's going to happen if you get rejected by someone? You're not going to burst into flames or vanish from existence forever. Rejection is just rejection. It's a small kink in your plans.

 

 

Continue to be the nice person that you say you've been. Smile, be polite but pursue what you're craving and do your best to realize rejection is nothing to be afraid of.

 

[lavidaloca]

It sounds as though you've done everything right. I live in a small town too (under 1000 ppl), and it's very different. If you didn't grow up here, it's another story entirely. VERY hard to break in. The majority of people that live in a very small town are likely related to everyone else, know everyone else, and went to school with everyone else. Unless you marry into one of THOSE families, it's very hard.

 

I choose to live where I do. I like the small town. However...I have the same issue you do. The one thing I discovered...you find the person that's also an "outsider"..the one that didn't grow up there, go to school there, etc. You reach out to that person. It doesn't matter if their children are the same age as yours...a couple of years one way or the other doesn't matter. You start with the common bond of being "outsiders", and take it from there.

 

I don't know if your kids are involved in sports or not...but my son plays baseball, and was on an all star travelling team. That meant nights in motel rooms. I would ask the advice of other parents where they were staying, and invariably got invited to the bar b qs they'd have. It helps to ask their "help" for something, even though you may be quite able to figure things out for yourself.

 

Most people want to help someone else...and if you get the chance, mention that you're having a hard time making friends. ASK someone else what they would suggest. There is NO shame in that. Tell one of the mothers at one of the school functions (or meeting, wherever...) that you're having difficulty fitting in, and ask her advice. Pick someone who seems open and kind. You have nothing to lose by opening yourself up. It's hard being vulnerable, but you have to reach out.

 

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. I don't fit in with most of my sons peers parents, b/c I'm much older..having had him in my early 40's. BUT...there are a couple of mothers that have opened their arms to me, and welcomed me. I had to let myself become vulnerable first. It's only a couple, but we've been invited to family functions.

 

If your kids have VERY good friends, that hang out a lot, that kinda opens the door to have a "play date" with the moms as well.

 

ETA...sorry, I just read that your son is in Kindergarten. What extra curricular activites do they offer? Here, they had t-ball for the little kids. Soccer. Enroll him whatever activities you can get him in. That goes a long way towards getting to know the other mothers. I so wish you luck with this.

Edited March 10, 2011 by lavidaloca