reservoirdog1 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Been dating a woman for almost four weeks. Because we both have careers and kids (we're both separated) we don't see each other all that often. We seem to talk on the phone every 2-3 days. I last saw her on Friday night/Saturday morning (she stayed the night). Needless to say, we had a great time together, and it wasn't the first time. My question is, so far it seems like I'm initiating most the times we get together. When we're together, it's great. This isn't a relationship; she's made it clear that she's not emotionally ready to commit to somebody yet. (She said at breakfast on Saturday that it seems like people have forgotten how to "date", i.e. get out, meet different people, without expecting a commitment from everybody you date.) I'm being careful not to crowd her or pressure her, though it's not easy at times because I really like her and can see this going somewhere if she warms to the idea. But at least I know where her head is, what her expectations are, and what the rules are. (In stark contrast to my TBXW, she prides herself on being honest and saying what she really feels, since false expectations can lead to somebody getting hurt.) With regard to me initiating our meetings, she said something interesting in another context. She has a fairly busy job where she's "in charge". This causes her to like the other person to be "in charge" with respect to, specifically, sex. Perhaps she likes the other person to initiate and be "in charge" with regard to getting together generally. So, I guess my question is, should I keep making the "first moves" as long as she's responding in a positive way? Or back off and see if she initiates get-togethers herself? Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Yes, keep making the first move if she is positive. Eventually though, she should start making more of an effort. She also may not really be sure how you feel about her, so she is hesitant to initiate anything for fear of any sort of rejection. I understand her being in charge at work; that is the last thing you want to do when you get home. My career involves the same thing and you really don't want to take charge or be in control when you get home. It is kind of nice to let someone else take over. However, as I said earlier, she should and probably will initiate some dates or diplays of affection when she feels more comfortable about the relationhip. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 This is a great question to ask the woman you have been dating. If you have climbed into bed together, surely there is enough trust there for you to ask about how you both can best arrange your time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reservoirdog1 Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 Priscilla... she does initiate displays of affection, just not dates. I think she knows how I feel about her (or at least that I like her enough to not reject her). Every time we've actually gotten together there's been no shortage of demonstration from her that she likes me, and I don't just mean sex. She told me about 2 weeks ago that I'm the first guy since her separation that she's slept with, introduced her little boy to, or wanted to see more than twice. I also know that she spent 3 years married to somebody who made it clear that he didn't find her physically attractive. While she's very confident and motivated in most other areas of her life, even on date number one she seemed to be seeking to head off that brand of hurt (she said something like "I may not look like a supermodel, but I'm comfortable with who I am"). Which she didn't have to do for my benefit, since I think she's gorgeous and incredibly sexy. Maybe I haven't made that clear enough since then and part of her is keeping distant for fear of being hurt again? I don't know. Solemate... I think I'll file that under the "duh, why didn't I think of that" heading. I think there's definitely some trust there, and she's said that she feels comfortable around me. When she was over on Friday night we had some music playing. I excused myself for a moment and when I came back she looked noticeably sad. I asked what was wrong, and she said the song that was playing at that moment was an emotional trigger for her. Things had been heating up to that point, and she asked if I'd mind just holding her for a bit, rather than immediately progressing to other things. I was only too happy to do so, and when we did make love awhile later, it was beautiful. Are women usually willing to show vulnerability and place reliance on men to comfort them if there isn't at least some level of trust present? Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 She will initiate at some point, maybe just needs a little more time to feel more secure. I think she still needs to work on these insecurites; she may just be afraid of getting hurt especially because you guys have become intimate. And yes we can still show vulnerability which is a sign of trust but that doesn't mean she will take more initiative. Other option, tell her how you feel and let her know that that is important to you. Sounds like there is alot of potential here. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 you can tell her that you would really like it if she called and planned the next date. Link to post Share on other sites
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