I cheated but he wants me to stay.

[bigreddog]

I know it was wrong, I felt like it was my last option to get him to realize how bad things were for me in our relationship. I want to leave, I really really want to leave, but my husband wants me to stay and work it out. We have been together for 8 years, 2 kids. How do I just tell him its over?

We are going to marriage counseling and I go to counseling by my self. I feel so much pressure to stay. He tells me things like if I leave I will ruin his life, or that I wasted the last 8 years of his life. He also tells me to put things in perspective, that a lot of other people dont have as much as we do. To me that means suck it up and be happy no matter what. Well im not happy and nothing we have been doing is making me happy. He keeps asking me what leaving him will accomplish. I have no clue, I feel like I wont have the pressure from him anymore. I can do what makes me happy for a change. I know I will still have to deal with him and our kids and all of the things that go along with it.

 

So how do I end it? How do I just walk away with out it getting messy and complicated and mean?

[Eddie Edirol]

If you want to make it clear to him that its over, you have to tell him EXACTLY what he did to turn you off in the relationship and why he cant fix it. You cant sugar coat anything, you have to have specifics. You have to tell him that attraction works in a certain way and once its gone, its gone. You cant get it back by hanging around each other. Maybe you should state the reasons here that you checked out of the relationship and it will be easier to tell him once youve hashed it all out.

[linwood]

 

So how do I end it? How do I just walk away with out it getting messy and complicated and mean?

 

You can`t.

 

There`s no way to just "walk away" without it getting messy, complicated and mean..very mean.

 

Ugly too.

[bigreddog]

It started about 2 years ago. I feel like an employee. Im his maid, cook, accountant and the care of our kids was all on me. He is military so he deployed, not like it was a choice to be a single parent for me but I did it. I started to resent him because he wasnt there for me. He really wasnt even there for me emotionally in emails or phone calls. Over time my feelings have changed I care about him but im not in love with him anymore. Sex is just sex with him I dont really have any emotions involved with it. Since I have pulled back he has become clingy and that is a huge turn off to me. I think I have changed and he wants me to be the same person I was 8 years ago. I cant be.

[jnj express]

What do you think divorce is for!!!!!!!

[BB07]

Most counselors advise you not to make any big changes for at least a year.

 

Even though you have a overwhelming urge to leave at this point, maybe the best thing would be to continue with the counseling. Maybe just the IC and not the MC right now.

 

With kids and infidelity there is little likelihood that it won't get ugly and messy and mean.

[WorldIsYours]

I know it was wrong, I felt like it was my last option to get him to realize how bad things were for me in our relationship. I want to leave, I really really want to leave, but my husband wants me to stay and work it out. We have been together for 8 years, 2 kids. How do I just tell him its over?

 

If you knew it was wrong and still cheated, you obviously didn't care. And you're trying to rationalize your cheating. If you wanted to "wake him up," you should've divorced him. And I'm sure whatever problems your relationship had is not all his fault.

 

But it's good that you're leaving. It will spare him a lot of pain than what you've already caused him. He can find someone else who won't cheat on him.

 

We are going to marriage counseling and I go to counseling by my self.

 

Why bother going to marital counseling when you just cheated, and you say you want to leave him? Why waste time and money after what you did to him? Naw, you want to be Miss Independent.

 

I feel so much pressure to stay.

 

Why? No one's stopping you from leaving. You're a grown woman and your problems with your relationship didn't stop you from cheating.

 

He tells me things like if I leave I will ruin his life, or that I wasted the last 8 years of his life.

 

He's desperate and hurt right now. You're exploiting him to make him feel guilty for your cheating. Blameshifting. But everything he said, you've ALREADY DONE. You DID waste his life and still wasting it now. You already ruined his life by cheating and guilting him to beg for you, which is obviously turning you off because you think you're higher than him because you had another man.

 

He also tells me to put things in perspective, that a lot of other people dont have as much as we do.

 

There's nothing special now because you've been unfaithful to him.

 

To me that means suck it up and be happy no matter what.

 

You've hurt him so he's not thinking clearly.

 

Well im not happy and nothing we have been doing is making me happy.

 

Ahhhhhh there it is. That brutal selfishness.

 

 

He keeps asking me what leaving him will accomplish.

 

You leaving him will ease his mind so hopefully when he finds someone else he'll never have to experience what you're putting him through.

 

I have no clue, I feel like I wont have the pressure from him anymore.

 

It has nothing to do with pressure and you know it. It's about you wanting to be with other men without hearing him whine about how you're hurting him.

 

I can do what makes me happy for a change. I know I will still have to deal with him and our kids and all of the things that go along with it.

 

And look what your "pursuit of happiness" has done to your family.

 

So how do I end it? How do I just walk away with out it getting messy and complicated and mean?

 

It's already messy and complicated and as you so demonstrated, mean, selfish and heartless. Again no one's stopping you from leaving, but it would be best for you to do so to spare him more pain and stop wasting his time and money because you want other men.

[WorldIsYours]

It started about 2 years ago. I feel like an employee. Im his maid, cook, accountant and the care of our kids was all on me. He is military so he deployed, not like it was a choice to be a single parent for me but I did it. I started to resent him because he wasnt there for me. He really wasnt even there for me emotionally in emails or phone calls. Over time my feelings have changed I care about him but im not in love with him anymore. Sex is just sex with him I dont really have any emotions involved with it.

 

This is why you must leave him. This is a perfect example of how faithful, hard working guys get screwed over.

 

He's working his butt off and serving his country so you and his children, and millions of American people can have a good life and this is how you repay him? You knew he was going to be gone for so long and it was your responsibility to keep yourself happy and to take care of the kids, not cheat on him. Your resentment is irrelevant because it was never valid in the first place. It's not his fault he couldn't be there to hold you and have romantic sex with you. What did you want him to do? Sneak home to you? He would've gotten arrested by the military police.

 

Since I have pulled back he has become clingy and that is a huge turn off to me.

 

Of course you think it's a huge turn off because you think you're higher than him. All you care about now is your wants and willing to get it whether you hurt those close to you.

 

I think I have changed and he wants me to be the same person I was 8 years ago. I cant be.

 

Oh we know you'll never be that person again. And soon he will also once he emotionally calms down a little.

[Jonah]

You can`t.

 

There`s no way to just "walk away" without it getting messy, complicated and mean..very mean.

 

Ugly too.

 

...ask him about the fifty ways.

[bigreddog]

[

QUOTE=WorldIsYours;3282263] Naw, you want to be Miss Independent.

 

you think you're higher than him because you had another man.

 

Ahhhhhh there it is. That brutal selfishness.

It has nothing to do with pressure and you know it. It's about you wanting to be with other men without hearing him whine about how you're hurting him.QUOTE]

 

Whats wrong with being independent? I dont think I am higher than him because I was with another man how does that even make sence? If anything he is better than me bc he didnt cheat, I did. Arent we all selfish at one point? If I didnt want to listen to him whine about me being with another man then why did I tell him? why not hide it and have my cake and eat it too? He is the one who wants to go to counseling. I hope that by continuing to go it can help us work past the anger and be adults in the situation since we still have to deal with our children.

[bigreddog]

This is why you must leave him. This is a perfect example of how faithful, hard working guys get screwed over.

 

He's working his butt off and serving his country so you and his children, and millions of American people can have a good life and this is how you repay him? You knew he was going to be gone for so long and it was your responsibility to keep yourself happy and to take care of the kids, not cheat on him. Your resentment is irrelevant because it was never valid in the first place. It's not his fault he couldn't be there to hold you and have romantic sex with you. What did you want him to do? Sneak home to you? He would've gotten arrested by the military police.

 

 

.

 

 

Also Im not a freaking idiot, its not like he could hop a flight home from iraq... I also knew going into our marriage what being a militray spouse requires. I was also in the military. I did not cheat on him while he was away. He was home.

[WorldIsYours]

Whats wrong with being independent?

 

The real question is why didn't you just divorce him instead of cheating?

 

I dont think I am higher than him because I was with another man how does that even make sence?

 

It does make sense. You became selfish because he wasn't there for you with good reason, so now that you've been with another man you think you're the ish.

 

 

If anything he is better than me bc he didnt cheat, I did.

 

Oh we know that loud and clear.

 

Arent we all selfish at one point?

 

Yes we are but we are also in control of our actions. You're an adult and you can't justify cheating on your man and your family.

 

If I didnt want to listen to him whine about me being with another man then why did I tell him?

 

To hurt him some more like you're doing now. You knew he wasn't going to take this lightly and you knew since he's been clingy, that you could make him feel like crap and exploit that to make him feel guilty, so you can feel good about yourself.

 

why not hide it and have my cake and eat it too?

 

You already hid it. You just decided to tell him to use his reaction to your advantage so you can feel good about yourself.

 

He is the one who wants to go to counseling.

 

Yet you're going with him and you're taking individual counseling. He's not making you do anything so don't try to blameshift.

 

I hope that by continuing to go it can help us work past the anger and be adults in the situation since we still have to deal with our children.

 

No you're doing this for your own interests. You can't expect him to get over this after what you've done. All you care about is yourself.

[Eddie Edirol]

I did not cheat on him while he was away. He was home.

 

You cant rationalize your cheating, no matter where he was, it was wrong. Dont bother going to councelling, you know you dont want to save the marriage, just dissolve it already. Tell him exactly why you dont WANT to save the marriage, and move on. Theres no way for it to not be ugly, you will just have to deal with it. Put your big girl panties on.

[Tayla]

I cannot tell from your post if you have any remorse or guilt. Just sheer turmoil that you want to get out. Of course everyone has their tolerances in a marriage, and you simply laid it on the line on something he "should" NOT tolerate. It was your out , how convenient.

 

How about planning out your future, what do you see? Some folks seriously think happiness comes after leaving a marriage or whatever they perceive to be the cause...the cause is yourself. Stay in counseling but leave the marriage.

The vow of love, honor, and cherish is not there for you....move on.

[WorldIsYours]

Also Im not a freaking idiot, its not like he could hop a flight home from iraq... I also knew going into our marriage what being a militray spouse requires.

 

Nobody called you an idiot so you can chill out with that. You knew the requirements yet you got selfish and cheated because you didn't want to find alternatives to keep yourself happy while he was away. Use a freaking vibrator or something. Go to the park or watch porn. You knew the drill.

 

I was also in the military. I did not cheat on him while he was away. He was home.

 

So you know really well about the military, yet you still decided to cheat. He never cheated while he was home so why couldn't you give him the same treatment?

[StoneCold]

The real question is why didn't you just divorce him instead of cheating?

 

 

 

It does make sense. You became selfish because he wasn't there for you with good reason, so now that you've been with another man you think you're the ish.

 

 

 

 

Oh we know that loud and clear.

 

 

 

Yes we are but we are also in control of our actions. You're an adult and you can't justify cheating on your man and your family.

 

 

 

To hurt him some more like you're doing now. You knew he wasn't going to take this lightly and you knew since he's been clingy, that you could make him feel like crap and exploit that to make him feel guilty, so you can feel good about yourself.

 

 

 

You already hid it. You just decided to tell him to use his reaction to your advantage so you can feel good about yourself.

 

 

 

Yet you're going with him and you're taking individual counseling. He's not making you do anything so don't try to blameshift.

 

 

 

No you're doing this for your own interests. You can't expect him to get over this after what you've done. All you care about is yourself.

 

Now theres somebody with a blind agenda

[Steadfast]

You must understand that there is no easy way. I never cheated but I know the feeling of not wanting to face the consequences of my actions. Your fear is justified. Whether or not you care to admit it, you've made a bad situation worse.

 

I can understand the anger directed towards you in some of the responses here. There is a lot of 'me' and 'I' statements and not much remorse. My god woman...don't talk about him like that. It'll come back and take your soul.

 

At some point you're going to have to face what you've done to this man. And your children. It isn't impossible to overcome, but the facts are after your divorce things will be better for him. It is easier to heal and move on when we have our honor, Right now, you have little of it so you'll need to start doing the things it takes to get (at least) some of it back. Step one is accepting what you've done to otherwise innocent people.

 

Your husband is a grown man. At some point he will accept his role but your children didn't ask for any of it. They are cheated out of a life with their natural born parents. Many don't and never will care. Look around; the world is full of this evil.

 

Time to grow up and face the real problem; you. There will need to be some give and take from here on out. It's time to learn how that's done.

[seren]

I am married to someone in the miltary, my XH was also in the military and like you, I too was in the dim and distant past. It is hard being left behind when they are away, it also hard feeling you are second to the 'job'. I didn't cheat, but I did leave XH. Why? because I was taken for granted and because I realised I no longer loved him. We both tried and yes he asked me to stay, he was not nice to our son, so that made it easier to walk away, for me at least.

 

If you are sure you will not be able to make your marriage work and you have been honest about your A, then I would say it is time to sit him down and explain, kindly, that you are no longer in love and need to leave. I would also reassure him that he will have easy access to his children, assuming he doesn't apply for custody himself.

 

IME, the military welfare people will assist you to manage this. I don't think having an A is the answer, obviously, but no one, neither he nor you should live a half life. It might give him the opportunity to find someone who he can have a full life with too.

 

Living with someone who is in the military is hard, it is a very small world on a camp and word gets around very quickly, better he knows what has happened than have someone tell him, other than you. Everyone is owed the truth, in that way he can make a full and informed choice about whether he thinks the marriage is worth saving and may help him to make a decision about divorcing you.

 

I would ask that if he is due to be deployed that you wait until this is done.

[Steadfast]

Signature: I have a MM, he is my husband, my best friend, soulmate, lover and keeper of my heart. I reciprocate.

 

The world would be a happier place if more spouses adopted this attitude. Sadly, that isn't the case. And, as I continue to learn, is becoming the case less and less often.

[WorldIsYours]

Now theres somebody with a blind agenda

 

Yes I know you have one. No need to remind me.

[StoneCold]

Yes I know you have one. No need to remind me.

 

You got me there

[notwhatIwanted]

My wife started cheating with a guy in January (at least that's when I think it began)..

 

She has told me graphic details of their sexual encounters and even told me that she is in love with him.

 

and I would still take her back in a heartbeat.

[WorldIsYours]

when I think it began)..

 

It went on longer than that. She's playing you.

 

She has told me graphic details of their sexual encounters and even told me that she is in love with him.

 

She's not in love with him. What she felt was lust for another man and for her to say that show's how she doesn't love YOU.

 

and I would still take her back in a heartbeat.

 

And that my friend, will be your greatest downfall.

[notwhatIwanted]

It went on longer than that. She's playing you.

 

 

 

She's not in love with him. What she felt was lust for another man and for her to say that show's how she doesn't love YOU.

 

 

 

And that my friend, will be your greatest downfall.

 

I was hoping you would respond.. i have enjoyed your take the most so far. pretty straight forward and stong opinions.

 

Why woul dit be a downfall if we have 3 kids including a 16month old?

 

I believe in my heart that I could forgive her and put it behind us if she would give us a chance.

 

However.. that said.. yeah.. it was lust initially.. but they are still seeing each other.. and she even opened up her own phone line to be able to talk to him... they tell each other "I love you!"

 

This dude has 3 kids from two marriage and he hasn't even seen two of his kids for 6 years.... one of thos he has NEVER seen at all...

 

but she sympathizes with him... she is crying one day.. and hugging me.. and then she is a total biitch the next day telling me she hates me more than anyone she has ever hated...

 

I wish i could get past wanting her back tho... tell me how! lol.

[alwaysagoodgirl]

Moving on can allow you to meet someone that will respect your marriage vows. Sometimes loving a certain person brings way too much baggage, heartache!! Is loving her worth the pain and deception that comes along with her?

 

Forgiving an adulterer doesn't mean they will suddenly become loyal.

Edited March 9, 2011 by alwaysagoodgirl