sexyjonnie Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Well, my ex-girlfriend of about a year and I are trying things again. We've been broken up for nearly two months. To keep things short, she broke up with me on Valentine's Day which was a week before our one year anniversary. She said she needed her space and she felt like she wanted to "find herself" and hang out with her friends more and do what she wanted to do since for 11 months we had spent virtually every minute together. During our time apart she would still call me and tell me she was still in love with me and that one day we would get married (we had been talking about it right before we broke up). She's 20 and I'm 23. During this time, she was hanging out with this guy that she said she was just friends with, but my friends would spot her around town with him and tell me all about it (bleh). It really bothered me so I began to distance myself from her and be more and more detached whenever we would talk. She went to Vegas for Spring Break (we were supposed to go together, but I cancelled so she still went with a friend) and she called me a few times while she was there but I didn't answer the phone and so when I finally answered she told me how much she missed me and she wanted to make things right when she got back. So at the beginning of last week we met up and tearfully she told me she missed me and only loved me and all that jazz. She also confessed that she had been sort of dating that guy but not really. They just hang out a lot. She said she had kissed him but they hadn't slept together. She said he was very clingy and she was very open to him that we were talking but he didn't seem to get the hint. He also said he loved her! That really freaked her out. And she knew it was only a rebound. But she wanted to try things over again. Since then we've been hanging out and talking all week and things have been pretty good. She said she wanted to take things slow, because she didn't want to jump back into the way things were with us revolving our lives around each other. She wanted to lead separate lives and do everything right this time. She's convinced this will make our relationship stronger this time. It would allow us to get used to not spending every minute together and thus make each other miss each other more and value the time we spend together more. What sucks is I'm not used to this...we went from one extreme to the other...spending all of our time together, then none, and now in between. And I'm not used to not being her top priority. It used to be I'd tell her to meet me somewhere and there would be no hesitation. Now, she'll tell me she's doing something and then she would call me when she was done. I'd end up doing something and so when we'd talk she would tell me to call her when I was done. So when I call her she's be busy doing something again and the cycle repeats and we end up not getting together. The other thing that has been bugging me is she is still hanging out with that guy. I kind of brought it up the last time she told me and she got frustrated. She asked me why I was getting jealous and I told her how would she feel if she was in my shoes. She went on to say that she told him they were nothing. So I'm trying to keep my emotions in check and trust her, but it sucks when I feel like she'd rather hang out with him than me. She promised me she wasn't leading me on or playing games with me. So my question is, what is the best way to handle this? I've been thinking and it seems to me the best way to go about things is to let her call all of the shots. She broke up with me, so she be the one pursuing. I also know not to be too available. I think I should let her plan all of our dates and let her be the one to try and get me back. Someone told me to also make her feel like she's not my number one priority just like she's doing to me. I've never tried things again with any of my exes so this is completely unfamiliar territory. How often should I see her? I would appreciate any input (good or bad) that anyone has to say. Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 I've been thinking and it seems to me the best way to go about things is to let her call all of the shots. She broke up with me, so she be the one pursuing. I also know not to be too available. I think I should let her plan all of our dates and let her be the one to try and get me back. Someone told me to also make her feel like she's not my number one priority just like she's doing to me. Well.. you're on the right track but a little confused there. If she's the one who has to get you back, then that means you call all the shots!! For starters, that should involve not commiting to her while she's still actively seeing a guy who, although she merely kissed, confessed his love and became clingy. This may not always be true, but usually people become clingy because they are led to believe the relationship is deeper than it is. She rebounded from you, jumped into making puppy eyes with this guy, then realized your good points. Luckily she had been stringing you along a bit so you were willing to play her fool and agree to get back together. In my opinion you deserve better treatment and should look elsewhere for a relationship, but if you simply must continue with her, establish clear boundaries. If she's going to be dating this guy (which is what it would seem she is doing by spending time with a guy who so very recently professed his love for her) then you are going to be dating girls and also merely dating her (ie, dating other girls as well). Tell her that if she would like to set up a date between you, you will perhaps fit her into your schedule. (And, by the way, if she's asking for the date, it's common courtesy that she pay your way, just FYI) Beware, showing her that you have little tolerance for her wayward ways will likely cause utter confusion in her little mind and she will suddenly 'realize' that you are all she's ever wanted. But as soon as you are too available to her, again, she'll begin to take advantage of you yet again. I definately advise you research the "Doc Love" philosophy of dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sexyjonnie Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 I have been reading and trying his techniques out (being a challenge, not being too available) and they seem to make sense. She just told me last night she wasn't gonna be hanging out with the other guy anymore. I just don't want to be the guy of convenience. I don't want her to call me when all of her friends are busy and she's bored. She told me to listen to "Please Forgive Me" by Bryan Adams and she tells me everything I want to hear. However, I know words mean nothing, only actions count. I guess I'm just not sure if I should be initiating any contact or dates, or leave that purely up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Probably leaving it up to her to initiate for awhile is best-at least until you are sure about where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sexyjonnie Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 Thanks for all your advice! So when she tells me to call her, should I or not? Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Your welcome! I guess it depends. If she tells you to call at a certain time, like when you become available that's okay. Bonus points if you get so busy you forget. If she just means "next time, you call" then maybe return one call for every two of hers for awhile... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sexyjonnie Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Okay, last question...she loves cell phone texting. It gets aggravating because it'll take 20 minutes to say something that would only take 5. I think she likes doing that because she doesn't always have to reply and she has plenty of time to think about what she wants to say. I tell her I'd rather her call, but she keeps doing that texting crap, and sometimes she won't get back to me for several hours. So what should I do about that? Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Answer her text messages with a call if it's something you need a response to right away. If it's not important, ignore it or wait until you're good and ready to reply briefly so you don't have to spend all that time replying. If you make a habit of avoiding texting she'll have to get used to it and contact you by other means. And I think you should apply the 2:1 rule in text msgs, too. For awhile, only reply to every other message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sexyjonnie Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 You are awesome! Thanks for the quick reply. I'm just gonna go out and have fun and meet new people because I need to show her that I'm not sitting around at home waiting for her. She really hasn't done anything to prove to me she wants to be with me other than say she loves me and sees a future between us, but her actions really haven't reflected it. Things are becoming clearer. I truly appreciate your help! Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 Good for you! That certainly sounds like the best way to go. And I'm glad to help! Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 1, 2004 Share Posted April 1, 2004 sexyjonnie, what magda said, i concure. her needing time away, ok that happens, but now she realizes her mistake, dont make it easy for her or she will think your a push over, and do it again. to put it bluntly, she still needs to "find herself"aka(see if I can find others), but now wants you waiting in the wings. do you want her, or do you want to see what else is out there? Its all about you now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sexyjonnie Posted April 2, 2004 Author Share Posted April 2, 2004 A couple of days ago (tues) we spoke and I asked her when we could see each other, and she said she wanted to get together the next day (wed) and that I should call her as soon as I finish class (around 6) and that she would be at home and we could figure things out. Well, I called her house like she requested and she wasn't there so I called her cell and it was turned off. So, I left a message and went about my day. So I went about running errands and I saw her car at her work. She usually just works until 4, so I'm assuming she worked a double shift. I thought it was very rude and discourteous not to call me and tell me she had picked up the evening shift since we had talked about getting together. So I went to bed and she texted me at 3am saying goodnight and thanks for calling and that she was drunk and going to bed. So today, she called me 4 times and I didn't answer at all. She left only one message on the last call. If it was important to her she would have told me what was going on and rescheduled a meeting. She hasn't done anything to prove to me she wants to be together. I think I'm doing the right thing by not answering her calls and when I finally get good and ready to I'll just tell her I'm busy and end the phone call. Would that be the right thing to do? I want her to see she can't string me along and call me or see me when it's convenient for her. If she really wants to be with me, then she's going about it completely the wrong way. She said she wanted to take it slow, but that entails movement, and we're not moving at all! She hasn't initiated any dates, and I have been doing it. I think I made it too easy when she said she wanted to get back together. So what would be the best thing to do now? Link to post Share on other sites
penelope Posted April 2, 2004 Share Posted April 2, 2004 It seems to me as if she is holding onto you for stability and comfort...which you are allowing. In short, perhaps you are being used. I would advise to move on. Don't play games. If she loves you...really loves you, she'll see that and find you again. I am not suggesting that you wait. You are you and you are strong. Move on...as hard as it is. Believe in yourself and find yourself again. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Would that be the right thing to do? Yeah, jonnie, I think she blew it. Stick to your guns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sexyjonnie Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Yesterday, I went to get all of my stuff from her around 3, and she blurted out "wanna hang out later?" So I asked "Well, do you?" and she responded with a yes. So, by 10 she hadn't called, so I called her and she told me she needed her space (once again). So I told her that her constant back and forth feelings were hurting me too much and that I was gonna let things go. She said she was truly sorry for hurting me and that she hates hurting me. I said Ok and hung up the phone. I guess it's true: once it's over, it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
penelope Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 I believe that letting go...for good is the best solution. I'm currently going through a separation myself and I know how hard it is to say this is the end. Just use this time to examine yourself...build yourself...create. As an artist I believe that creation (of any sort) allows us to purge many unnecessary ill feelings. Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
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