Els Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 This isn't a LD issue per se, but I'm posting here because you guys are the ones who know me best, through the 2 years the bf and I were LD. (We've been together IRL for nearly a year after that, now). For those of you who may consider this issue strange/trivial, please consider that traditional Asian families are very different from American ones. Anyhow, we are going to tell our families about us, soon. They will both disapprove of each of us, for the silliest of reasons. Mine, because he is not a Christian. His, because they just don't want him 'tying himself down to a girl' at this time in his twenties. Everything we have going for each of us, the fact that probably 90% of families would consider each of us a decent mate for their children does not matter - prejudice is king. As is normal for Asian families, there will also be a lot of nosy questions and gossip from the relatives. We are not looking forward at all to this, but we have delayed enough. Some time or another, it has to come out. I can only hope that it will just be irate displeasure on their behalves and not full-scale 'I WILL DISOWN YOU' shyt. He had insisted on waiting til he was financially independent of them before revealing it, and I agreed. We had initially planned to wait til I am financially independent of mine as well, and I wish I could, but I just decided that enough is enough. Your support would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I think you're very brave Elswyth. This is obviously going to take a lot of courage - but, I agree, it probably needs to be done sooner rather than later - if only to give your families time to get used to the two of you being together. I don't know if this will help at all, but my SO's best friend is Indian and he was in a similar situation to yours. He fell in love with an Indian girl before he emigrated to NZ. Neither of their parent's approved, especially hers because she was from a 'professional' family and he wasn't - I'm sure you'll understand more about why that matters than I do. The fact that he was kind, caring, honest, intelligent and ambitious - and able to support himself and a family in his chosen career seemed to make little difference. Unfortunately, there was a period where they weren't able to have any contact (at all! ) for two years, but they still remained devoted and faithful to one another. Long story short, they are now very happily married with a beautiful daughter and living in their own home in New Zealand - and both sets of parents are also happy about the union. How could they not be when their children have clearly found the right person to be with. They are one shining example of love succeeding 'against all odds' and one reason why I keep holding on myself. Good luck when you tell your parents. However they react to begin with, when they realise how good you and your bf are for each other, they can't fail to come round and be happy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted March 9, 2011 Author Share Posted March 9, 2011 I am not so sure of that. For instance, a relative of mine married someone of a different religion several years ago. Every single time they meet him, they try to convince him to get her to convert. It is this sort of slow wearing-down that I fear as well. As a relative, he can just choose not to talk to them. As a daughter, my conscience would never allow me to. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Just chiming in to say good luck. I had 'religious compatibility' issues with my mother and we had some worries about the 'other' side, too. I hope it works out as well as it can. IME it was engagement at the personal level that moved things forward, but I know that's not always enough to move people's prejudices. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Well, I guess it depends on how strict your parents are and how sure you are that you're making the right choice for you. If you know your bf is the one you want to spend your life with, are you prepared to stand by him and your decision, no matter what? Having your family forever trying to get your bf (or husband) to change his religion seems like a minor price to pay to me - but then I'm not religious. If you believe there a chance that it will be much worse, are you prepared to risk being 'disowned' by your family in order to be with him? Are you hoping to be reassured that you're doing the right thing? I'm sure you must realise that nobody can give you that reassurance. There are so many ifs, buts and maybes. If your bf is the right man for you then you're going to have to 'take the bull by the horns' and face up to the consequences of admitting it to your family. I'm sure it must be incredibly difficult for you and I wish you the best of luck with it. Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Just wanted to wish you the best of luck Elswyth. I've been reading your posts since I've been a member here and I had no idea you had to keep your relationship a secret the whole time. Waiting until you're both completely independent of your parents would be the way to go, but I can totally understand why you couldn't take it anymore either and would opt to do it now. I know nothing about the cultural differences, but do you both have a back up plan of sorts in the event your parents are completely against this? Link to post Share on other sites
befreckled Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 My father was disowned by his family when he decided to marry my mother. They were of different ethnicities - asian and caucasian. Granted this was in the 70s but to be cut off emotionally and financially from the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally is quite a step to take. Up till today, the product of the union (being me) is not seen as enough for them. That said, after I was born things mellowed a fair bit. I saw my paternal family every other weekend and, I dare say that my grandmother actually loved me. The thing is you gotta be ok with whatever is thrown at you and him for now. You somehow have to separate the the emotions and sort of hope that one day, they will come to their senses and they will. But that's the long long long term! You mentioned financial independence - if they cut off that aspect from you, how will you survive? It has to be an actual viable option. The upside for me now is that, my parents couldn't give a hoot who I married as long as I get married one day. Actually even that hope is dimming as the days go by Link to post Share on other sites
Author Els Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Thanks for all the support, guys. Frankly, if they reacted VERY badly, I would just tell them I'd cut ties off from him, and not actually do it. They don't live here so there's no way they'd know. I know that's not a very ethical solution, but in that case they would've had their chance at receiving honesty and didn't take it. I frankly do not expect them to go all the way to that, although I fully expect them to try and convince me to get him to convert each time we talk, which would be annoying. Maybe I could just lie about his religion, but I don't think that would be very productive in the long term. Do you guys really think I should keep it a secret til I attain financial independence? That IS sorta doable, but it'll be a couple years more. And I hate having to hide from friends that know my parents too. The bf has offered before, to finance my course if push comes to shove, but that is not something I want to do. It isn't that I don't believe he isn't willing, but merely that it would cause a LOT of trouble and possibly wedge us apart (we would both have to live like paupers, to begin with). Edited March 10, 2011 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
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